_Enter TRUEMAN_ [_reading a letter_].
This is very unaccountable;--Richard Worthnought, eigh:--I wish, Mr.
Worthnought, you had been at my school a while, before you scrawl'd this
wretched epistle:--but the subject is still more unintelligible.
_Enter WORTHNOUGHT._
WORTHNOUGHT. Mr. Trueman, I am yours.
TRUEMAN. I deny it.--Heaven forbid, such a thing as you should be either
mine or my daughter's!
WORTHNOUGHT. I should not gain much credit by the alliance, I believe.--You
have received my letter, sir, I presume.
TRUEMAN. I think you _presume_--rather more than becomes you, sir.
WORTHNOUGHT. I find, the foolish old Put don't like me. [_Aside._]--I am
sorry you do not approve of my offer; but, but--a--rat me, but I must have
her, for all that. Ha, ha, ha;--'foregad, I must, old gentleman.
_Enter OLD LOVEYET._
LOVEYET. But I say you shall not have her, sir;--there, I suppose you will
have the impudence to call _me old_ gentleman next.
WORTHNOUGHT. Demme, sir; what have _you_ to do with his daughter?
LOVEYET. Nothing; but my son has something to do with her: ha'n't he,
friend Horace?
TRUEMAN. Heyday! what does all this mean?--Has any State rejected the new
Constitution?
WORTHNOUGHT. Come, let's have no palitics, for gad's sake;--rat the
canstitution:--I wou'dn't give _une Fille de joye_, for all the musty
canstitutions in christendom.
TRUEMAN. By the dignity of my profession, you never read Publius then; or
you would have liked _one_ constitution.
WORTHNOUGHT. Publius! ha, ha, ha.--I read Publius! Not I, sir, I assure
you:--an _outre_ fellow,--a dull, mysterious, mechanical writer, as ever I
refused to read, split me.
LOVEYET. So he is, so he is, sir: by my body, I am glad to find _somebody_
of my mind.
[_TRUEMAN and LOVEYET retire to the back of the stage._
_Enter FRANKTON and HUMPHRY._
FRANKTON. You saw him go into Miss Airy's house, this morning, you say.
HUMPHRY. Yes. [_Walks thoughtlessly about the stage._
FRANKTON. I think, this is a tolerable confirmation of the matter.
[_Aside._
WORTHNOUGHT. Hah,--Frankton;--'foregad, I am yours, superlatively.
FRANKTON. Are you, positively? Hah,--she is here. [_Enter MARIA, on the
opposite side._] Your humble servant, Miss Airy.
MARIA. [_Pretends to take no notice of FRANKTON._] Mr. Trueman, I hope I
have the pleasure to see you well.
TRUEMAN. I thank you, madam. [_Resumes his discourse with LOVEYET, who does
not yet observe MARIA._]
MARIA. I hoped to have found Miss Harriet here, sir.
TRUEMAN. Madam?-- [_Turns to LOVEYET again._
LOVEYET. Therefore, sir, as I was telling you, I am determined to have
her. [_To TRUEMAN._
TRUEMAN. [_Leaving LOVEYET._] How is this, madam?--Mr. Loveyet tells me, he
is determined to have you.
FRANKTON. Who! How!--Have who, sir? [_Loud and earnestly._
LOVEYET. [_Seeing MARIA._] By my body, there she is herself.--Have who,
sir?--Why, have this lady, sir; who do you think?--My sweet Miss Airy, I
have the transcendent pleasure to kiss your hand, ugh, ugh.
MARIA. Oh, fie, Mr. Loveyet.--I will have the pleasure to tease
Frankton, now. [_Retires with OLD LOVEYET, whispering, and looking
tenderly at him._]
FRANKTON. Amazement!--The _old_ fellow! [_Aside._
WORTHNOUGHT. This is all very astanishing, 'foregad:--demme, but she
deserves to die an old maid, if she has _him_. [_Aside._
MARIA. [_Pretends to observe FRANKTON, for the first time._]--Mr.
Frankton!--I did not observe you before: I give you joy of your friend's
arrival, sir;--I suppose you have seen him;--he is very agreeable.
FRANKTON. Then I need not ask you, if you have seen him, madam.
MARIA. He was at my house not two hours ago.
FRANKTON. Did not you see him before that, madam?
MARIA. I did not, sir.
FRANKTON. Detested falsehood! [_Aside._
MARIA. The old gentleman acquainted me of his arrival, only a few minutes
before.
LOVEYET. Eigh, how,--old gentleman!--she did not mean me, I hope.
[_Aside._
FRANKTON. And you think Mr. Loveyet is so agreeable then.
LOVEYET. Aye, that's me;--by my body, he is jealous of me. Ha, ha; poor
young fool! [_Aside._
FRANKTON. He thinks very highly of _you_, I assure you, madam; he speaks of
you with admiration.
MARIA. And what of that, sir?--You speak as if you thought
him my _only_ admirer. [_Affectedly._
FRANKTON. Disgusting vanity! [_Aside._]--No, madam,--the number of your
admirers is at least equal to that of your acquaintance;--but there is only
one, who sincerely _loves_, as well as admires you.
LOVEYET. Come, come, sir; none of your airs, sir:--_love_ her
indeed;--why--why, she don't love _you_.
[_Ogling and winking at her, &c._
WORTHNOUGHT. Ha, ha, gudgeons all, demme;--old square toes is cursedly
bit; I see that. [_Aside._
MARIA. Mr. Loveyet, I return'd the trunk to your son.
HUMPHRY. His son.--Ha, ha.
LOVEYET. Yes, yes, he told me so just now:--the poor dog was ready to jump
out of his skin, when I told him he should have Harriet.
_Enter CANTWELL and HERALD._
WORTHNOUGHT. Oh, the devil!--Now shall I be blown up, like a barrel of
gun-powder. [_Aside._
CANTWELL. Servant, gentlemen and ladies.--How is your daughter, Mr.
Trueman? I hope she is likely to do well.
TRUEMAN. I hope she is, madam; it is a match which we all approve.
CANTWELL. No, no, sir; I mean concerning her late affair.
HERALD. Why, young Loveyet certainly would not stoop so low, as to have her
now.
TRUEMAN. 'Zounds! Why not, pray?
LOVEYET. What, in the name of ill luck, can they mean!--I hope, I--oh,
there they come.
_Enter HARRIET and CHARLES LOVEYET._
CANTWELL. Oh, dear, here they are;--why she don't look as if that was
the case. [_To HERALD._
TRUEMAN. I desire, ladies, to know what you mean, by these mysterious
whispers.
CANTWELL. La! sir; you only want to put a body to the blush; but if you
want an explanation, that gentleman [_Pointing to WORTHNOUGHT._] can give
it to you.
CHARLES. The villain! [_Aside._]--I fancy _I_ could explain it as well.
WORTHNOUGHT. Hem, hem,--now comes on my trial. [_Aside._
CHARLES. But first,--your blessing, sir. [_Kneels to his father._
HARRIET. And yours, sir. [_Kneels to TRUEMAN._
LOVEYET. What,--married already!
CHARLES. This ten minutes, sir. [_Rising._
CANTWELL }
AND } Married!
HERALD }
WORTHNOUGHT. Then my ill-star'd fortune is decided. [_Aside._
TRUEMAN. Upon my erudition, you have been too precipitate, Harriet; but
I have no reason to think, you will repent it; you, therefore, have my
sincerest benediction. [_Raising her._
MARIA. I give you joy, my dear. [_To HARRIET._
FRANKTON. Now all my fears have vanished.
[_Aside, and goes to YOUNG LOVEYET._
LOVEYET. By my body, you have made quick work of it, Charles.
CHARLES. For fear of the worst, I have. [_Aside._
LOVEYET. But--but are you in favour of the new Constitution yet?
CHARLES. At present I can think of no Constitution but that of Love and
Matrimony, sir.
LOVEYET. And I shall be sorry if your matrimonial Constitution does not
prove the better one of the two.--Eigh, Maria?
WORTHNOUGHT. Dick Worthnought, esquire, thou art an ass and a liar; and,
what is worse than both,--as poor as poverty. Oh, Fortune, thou blind
disposer of human events, when wilt thou make a man of me?
[_Going angrily._
CHARLES. Stay a little, if you please, sir.--My happiness is too great at
present, to let me take that revenge, which the baseness of your conduct
deserves: but justice bids me accuse you of having wickedly, and without
cause, endeavoured to injure the reputation of this lady, whom it is my
highest boast and felicity now to call my wife; my making her such,
however, at the very time when the baneful tongue of Slander is so diligent
to damn her spotless fame,--[_Looking significantly at CANTWELL and
HERALD._]--will at once convince the public of her innocence, and the
cruelty of her enemies. With her, you have also injured her connexions; but
I, for my own part, am fully satisfied with those symptoms of shame and
repentance, which you now evince.
TRUEMAN. Upon my education, I did not think him susceptible of either.--A
few minutes ago, I received this audacious epistle from him.
"Sir, I have the honour to--acquaint you--that I have an inclination--to
marry your daughter,--notwithstanding--the late scandalous--reports that
are transpiring to her disadvantage, and (what is still worse)
the--comparative meanness--of her fortune to mine."--The comparative
meanness of her fortune to mine.
HARRIET, }
MARIA, }
LOVEYET, } Ha, ha, ha.
CHARLES, }
FRANKTON,}
WORTHNOUGHT. Never was put so much to my trumps, 'foregad.
[_Exit._
HERALD. Unmannerly wretches! [_Scornfully, and exit._
CANTWELL. Oh, the wickedness of this wicked world! [_Exit after her._
LOVEYET. Why, this is just as it should be now;--I think business goes on
finely.
MARIA. You will not think so, much longer. [_Aside._
LOVEYET. By my body, I am as merry as a cricket;--an't you,
Maria? For my part, I feel so well pleased, I could find in my
heart to--to do as you have done;--[_To CHARLES._] cou'dn't you,
my love? [_To MARIA._
MARIA. Yes, sir.
LOVEYET. Oh, you dear little rogue! With whom, eigh, with whom?--Don't
be bashful,--tell them.--I know she means me. [_Aside._
MARIA. I beg to be excused from telling that, sir; but I will tell you who
it is I would _not_ have.
LOVEYET. Aye, that's him.--[_Aside, looking at FRANKTON._]--Well, who is it
you won't have, Maria, who is it?
MARIA. You, sir. [_Emphatically._
LOVEYET. Me, eigh?--me--me, Maria?
CHARLES. Preposterous infatuation!
LOVEYET. D----'d, wanton, treacherous jilt!
[_Walks about discomposed._
MARIA. You have jilted yourself, sir;--nothing but excess of dotage and
self-conceit could have let you impose on yourself in such a manner.
FRANKTON. And may I then hope--
MARIA. Hope?--Oh, yes, sir;--you have my permission to _hope_ for anything
you please.
CHARLES. And you, madam, the disposition to gratify his hopes, I fancy.
LOVEYET. I fancy you lie, sir; and you sha'n't have Harriet, for your
impertinence.
CHARLES. Excuse me, father;--it is not in your power to prevent that;--the
happy deed is already executed.
LOVEYET. 'Zounds! that's true!--and, what is still worse, the other deed is
executed too.--Fire and fury! All is lost, for the sake of that inveigling,
perfidious young Syren. Ugh, ugh, ugh.
TRUEMAN. [_Burlesquing what LOVEYET has said in a former scene._] "'Sdeath,
sir! I tell you I am but two and forty years old: she sha'n't be more than
thirty odd, sir; and she shall be ten years younger than I am too.--A man
of five and forty, old, forsooth!" Ha, ha, ha.
LOVEYET. Perdition! Is this what I have come to at last?--Despis'd,--
betray'd,--laugh'd at,--supplanted by a puppy,--[_Pointing to FRANKTON_]--
trick'd out of my money by a graceless, aristocratic son,--I--I'll--I'll
go hang myself.
[_Exit in a passion._
HUMPHRY. This is, for all the world, like the show I see t'other night, at
the Play-house.
CHARLES. His agitation of mind distresses me: my happiness is not complete,
while it is enjoyed at the expense of a father's:--painful reflection!--We
will go immediately, Harriet, and endeavour to pacify him.
_His conduct shall instruct the hoary Sage,
That youth and beauty were not meant for age;
His rage, resentment, av'rice, dotage, pride,
(Sad view of human nature's frailest side!)
Shall mend us all;--but chiefly I shall prove,
That all his Politics, can never match my LOVE._
_The End._
TRANSCRIBERS' NOTES:
General: Variable hyphenation of mack(-)marony and to(-)day as in original.
Page 353: Politican corrected to Politician.
Footnote 2: Geneological as in original text (twice).