We are not about to write an advertisement for this advertised of all
advertisers--nor to talk of its square feet--its crowded broadside--or
the myriads of letters that make it resemble a sea of animalculae. We
are content to leave all the pride of its machinery to Messrs.
Applegath and Cowper, and the clang of its engine to the peaceful
purlieus of Printing-house Square. Yet these are interesting items in
the advancement of science, and in the history of mankind; for whether
taken mechanically or morally, the _Times_ is, without exception, the
newspaper of all newspapers, "the observed of all _observers_" and
altogether, the most extraordinary production of this or any other
age.
But we are more anxious to reach what may be called the philosophy of
a newspaper--that broad volume of human life, in which "the follies,
vices, and consequent miseries of multitudes are displayed." To prove
this, only let the reader glance over the twenty-four columns of a
Times newspaper, and attempt a calculation of the many thousand events
that spring from and are connected with their contents. Yet this sheet
is but as it were a day in the life of man--a mere thread of the
mingled yarn of his existence--and 313 such sheets, or 1,252 such
folios make but a year of his history. The subject is too vast and
comprehensive for continued contemplation, for it is like all other
wheels of vicissitude; we become giddy by looking too steadfastly on
its twinings.
Let us take one side of any recent _Times _newspaper--say that of
_Thursday last_--and attempt something like an abstract of its
_memorabilia_. This may appear for us a toilsome task, but if the
reader be not fatigued also, our time will not be misspent. Begin "at
the beginning" with the old English title, broken by the royal
arms--like a blocking-course; and the No. and date in a sort of
typographical entablature. The first side is filled by 188
advertisements, for the most part, classed according to their objects.
Thus, we start, and not unappropriately, with notices of vessels _to
sail_ for India and the new settlement on _Swan River_. What
temptations for adventure and avarice--what associations of industry
and indolence--luxury and squalid misery--do these announcements
create in the reflective mind. The nabob in his chintz--the speculator
with his last hundred--and the half-starved agriculturist--are but
sorry portraits beside the class to whom the next notice is
addressed.--Packets to Calais, Dieppe, and Margate--necessity on her
last leg, and luxury on the fantastic toe--the wasted mind and
famished visage beside hoyden mirth and bloated luxury. Then the South
American Mining Association Deed "lies for signature:"--what a relief
in this sheet of _chiaro-scuro_--a kind of tinsel to set off its grave
parts, with gold dust enough to blind half its readers. To this little
flash of golden light succeeds shade--Chancery and creditors'
notices--proving debts and consciences--followed by civil contracts
for Bridewell and building a Lunatic Asylum in Kent. The association
is too obvious, and verily, the maker-up of the Times newspaper is a
Hogarth in his way; for what Hogarth did with pencil and brush, he
does with metallic types. Next is a Saw Mill to be sold cheap,
constructed for the express purpose of being sent to the Swan River
settlement--how fortunate--for surely any idle wight would make his
way with such assistance, especially as the machine is "on improved
principles." _Luxury_ again--paper-hangings, French lamps, and French
roses--_necessity_ again--Money on mortgage, and bills discounted: how
obvious the connexion--the very cause and effect--the lamps will not
burn without oil, and the roses will not bloom without money--at least
they will only waste their fragrance in the desert air of the
nursery-ground.
The _second column_ begins with a solicitor's inquiry for a person
long unheard of, who, if alive, "may hear of somewhat very
considerably to his advantage"--any person proving his death, shall be
rewarded. Next is a notice from the City Chamber Court of Stralsund,
of a man who has been missing twenty years, and unless he informs the
court of his existence on or before Lady-day, 1830, he will be
declared dead--poor fellow--yet how many would rejoice at such an
opportunity of escaping from their worldly cares. Next comes a little
string of Anniversaries of Charities--followed by Exhibitions of the
Fine Arts--had their position been reversed, the effect would have
been better; for fine painting prepares the heart for acts of
benevolence, and kindleth all its best feelings. Portraits of the Rev.
Matthew Wilks and Pope Pius VII. (the latter a splendid mezzotinto
from Sir T. Lawrence's picture) are followed by a "_Speaking_ French
Grammar," a very good companion for any Englishman about to visit the
continent; for with many, their stock of French does not last out
their cash. Next is fourteen years of the Morning Post to be sold--a
bargain for a fashionable novelist, and in fact, a complete
stock-in-trade for any court or town Adonis; a perfect vocabulary of
fashion, detailing the rise and progress of all the fashionable arts
since the peace--the gazette appointments and disappointments--and
elopements and _faux pas_, sufficient for all the comedy-writers of
the present century--the respective claims of Spanish Refugees and
Spitalfields Weavers--charitable concerts and opera benefits--and all
the lumber and light artillery of the _grand monde_.
The _third column_ is almost entirely occupied by "Wanted"
advertisements and we had resolved to pass over all their "Wants;" had
not some of them occurred to us as rather singular, even in these
times of general distress. The first of these is for a respectable
middle-aged woman, as lady's maid--"to understand dress-making,
millinery, hair-dressing, getting-up fine linen, and to be useful and
obliging." All this is reasonable enough; but mark the inducement: "a
clever person fond of the country, and who can bear confinement, will
find this a comfortable situation!" "This is too much." Another is for
a butler and a valet, to "undertake the care and responsibility of a
numerous family:" another is a young man for "a situation in any shop
or warehouse, not particular what:" another of "a nurse, who can cut
and make children's dresses, and instruct them in reading and
spelling;" a school-assistant "to fill the second desk," &c. Next come
a few characteristics of a scientific age--as patent trouser-straps,
to "prevent the dirt getting between the strap and the boot, &c.;" and
patent springs for waistcoat backs--to cause the clothes to fit well
to the shape, &c.--and, above all, a legitimate, scientific _Diaphane_
parasol.
The "Wants" are resumed in the _fourth column_. One is a young man to
be able to walk well; "it is immaterial what he has been accustomed
to."
In the fourth column we find "a family grave to be sold, unused for
nearly 50 years at that period, but partly occupied. _To save
trouble_, price 25_l_." Another advertisement--"to small capitalists"
is a perfect puzzle; for the advertiser will not describe the
"ready-money concern" to be disposed of, but says, "the principal
article of sale is what is consumed, either in a greater or less
degree, by almost every individual." Next is a tallowchandler's
business in a situation which "will command an extensive trade
immediately the new Fleet Market is erected"--rather anticipatory, to
be sure. Another, "worthy of notice," offers for 260 guineas, seven
houses, which cost 800 in building--a tolerable speculation.
The _last column_ commences with a fine brown gelding, (like most
friends) parted with for no fault, free from vice, although, "a
_trial_ will be granted." Another announces for sale, several "_bays_,
greys, roans, _creams_, and _duns_:" a chaise "parted with for no
other fault than the present owner having purchased a four-wheeled
one;" and "a house near the church, commanding extensive and pleasing
prospects."
The fourth folio, or side of the paper, is nearly filled with
advertisements of _sales by auction_, a single glance at which would
convince us of the instability of human affairs, even if we did not
read in one corner, of a theatrical wardrobe, containing five splendid
new court dresses, trimmed with gold and silver (except the pockets,)
and 52 very fine wigs.
The inner, or second and third folios of the paper, present still
finer studies for our reflection. The eye almost instinctively lights
on the "Foreign Papers," detailing the progress of war and the balance
of power--Francfort Fair, and English manufactures. Below is the
well-known graphic relief--a clock, and two opened and one closed
book, with "The Times"--past and future, decorated with oak and
laurel. Then come the theatrical announcements teeming with novelty
and attraction, which stand like the sauces, savoury dishes, and
sweetmeats of the day's repast.
(_To be concluded in our next_.)
* * * * *