On Wednesday Afternoon Next (_Weather permitting_)
In Aid of the Fund for Sick and Suffering Spinsters
A First Performance will be given of
The Blood-Curdling and Hair-Raising Melodrama entitled
The Blue Cabbage
by Allthelotofus.
_Dramatis Personae_.
Efflorescence (A Guileless Maid)--Miss Darsie Garnett.
Meretricia (1st Villainess)--Mr Harry Garnett.
Mycrobe (2nd Villainess)--Mr Russell Garnett.
Elijah B. Higgins (Hero)--Mr Dan Vernon.
Sigismund La Bas (A False Caitiff)--Mr Percy Lister.
D. Spenser (Certificated Poisonmonger)--Mr John Vernon.
Endeavora (A Well-Meaner)--Miss Clemence Garnett.
The Greek Chorus--Miss Hannah Vernon.
_N.B.--_There is no Cabbage!
Imagine the feelings of a solitary invalid on receipt of such a
programme as the above--a programme of an entertainment organised,
composed, and designed wholly and solely for her own amusement!
Lavender's mumps were at a painful stage--so sore, so stiff, so heavy,
that she felt all face, had no spirit to read, craved for companionship,
and yet shrank sensitively from observing eyes. Let those jeer who may,
it _is_ an abominable thing to feel a martyr, and look a clown, and poor
Lavender's sensitive nature suffered acutely from the position. Then
oh! it was good to feel that to-morrow something exciting was going to
happen--that she would be amused, cheered, comforted; that her dear
companions would be near her, so near that once again she would feel one
of the merry throng.
If only it were fine! Really and truly Lavender felt that she could not
support the blow if it were _wet_. Mumps seem to sap the constitution
of moral force; if she could not see the melodrama, she would weep like
a child!
It _was_ fine, however. The very elements conspired in her behalf, and
produced a still, unshiny day, when the pageant of the melodrama
appeared to the best advantage, and the voices rose clear and distinct
to that upper window, before which Lavender stood, a muffled figure, in
a fur coat and cap, and a great wool shawl swathed round face and neck
after the fashion of an English veil.
The melodrama proved even more thrilling than had been expected. On
his, or her, first appearance on the scene, each character advanced to a
spot directly in front of the upstairs window, and obligingly related
the salient points of his life, character, and ambitions, together with
a candid exposition of his intentions towards the other members of the
cast; the while Hannah, as Greek Chorus, interposed moral remarks and
reflections on the same. After an indulgent hearing of these
confessions, it would appear that two ambitions were common to the
actors--either they wished to elope with the hero or heroine, or to
poison the False Caitiff, and the Villainess Number One or Two, or such
a contingent of these worthies as excluded themselves.
The Well-Meaner assiduously endeavoured to foil these intents, and
received the scant amount of encouragement which falls to well-meaning
interference in real life; the Certified Poisonmonger presided over
three tin pails of liquids, labelled respectively, "Lingering,"
"Sudden," and "A highly superior article in writhes and coils. As
patronised by the Empress of China" and the demand for these wares was
naturally brisk in so quarrelsome a company: the False Caitiff chose a
sudden death for his rival, the Hero; Meretricia, the first Villainess,
poisoned the Caitiff by a more lingering means; Villainess Number Two,
under the false impression that the Hero had given his heart to
Meretricia, poisoned that good lady, sparing no money on the deed,
whereby Russell was afforded an admirable opportunity of exhibiting his
wriggling powers. The guileless maid poisoned herself with the dregs in
her lover's glass; and the Poisonmonger, fatigued with the rush of
Christmas business, fainted away, and, being revived by potions from his
own pails, survived only long enough to administer a forcible dose in
revenge. The Well-Meaner's fate differed from that of her companions in
that she was insidiously poisoned by each actor in turn, so that,
figuratively speaking, the curtain descended upon a row of corpses, in
the midst of which the Greek Chorus intoned exemplary precepts and
advice.
Hannah, as Greek chorus, was by common consent pronounced the star of
the company, her interpolated reflections being so droll and to the
point that even the lingering victims found themselves overcome with
laughter.
As for the audience, her joy, though great, was not unmixed with pain.
As the melodrama approached its critical point the actors could see her
at her window, holding up her mumps with either hand, and the piteous
plea--"Don't make me laugh! Don't make me laugh!" floated down on the
wintry air.
Next day Lavender was worse, and melodramas were banned as a means of
recreation; but she sent a touching message of thanks to the troupe, in
which she declared that "the joy outweighed the pain," so that, all
things considered, "The Blue Cabbage" was voted a great success.