THE PATENT MEDICINE EVIL
What Mothers Should Know About the Patent Medicine
Evil--Tonics--Used by Temperance People Because it Could
"Stimulate"--Stomach Bitters--Blood
Bitters--Sarsaparilla--Celery Compounds--Malt Whisky--Headache
Remedies--Pain Powders--Anti-headache Powders--Headache
Powders--Soothing Syrups--Baby's Friends--Catarrh
Powders--Kidney Pills--Expectorant--Cough Syrup--Lithia
Waters--Health, Wealth and Happiness for a Dollar a Bottle--New
Discovery for Consumption--Consumption Cure--Cancer
Cures--Pills for Pale People--Elixir of Life.
WHAT MOTHERS SHOULD KNOW ABOUT THE PATENT MEDICINE EVIL
Much has been written about the patent medicine evil during the past few
years. One very thorough crusade has been instituted and efficiently
carried through, exposing the evils of the patent medicine business.
Whatever legislation is in force to-day which has for its object the
regulation of the evil, is largely a product of that crusade.
Notwithstanding these efforts, it is a fact that scarcely any of the
great majority who should be interested in the subject, because they are
its victims, have any knowledge of the nature or extent of the evil, or
appreciate its far-reaching and pernicious influence. For two reasons I
regard it as peculiarly fitting, that the subject should be given
adequate consideration in this book:--
First, because mothers should be told the whole truth about all
conditions that have any influence on the health of the members of the
home.
Second, because though we are the victims of many evils and many forms
of "graft," which directly or indirectly affect our pockets and our
morals, we submit to them because they have no bearing on the physical
well-being of the race. As mothers, however, and as the conservers of
the fitness of the family and the home, we are directly and rightly
interested in an evil which deeply affects the health and the efficiency
of members of the family as the patent medicine evil does. It is through
the mothers of the race that this enemy of the home must be finally and
completely overthrown. If every mother in the land could be taught to
understand even a fraction of the truth of the insidious wrong hidden
under the mask of the nostrum advertisement, we would witness a
righteous resentment that could only be satisfied by legislative
enactment that would wipe out forever the whole infamous business. No
spasmodic or localized effort will ever succeed against this public
enemy. Its very strength is the people whom it dupes and despises,
because they supply the money with which the patent medicine combine
fights its battles.
It has been estimated that three hundred millions of dollars are spent
annually on patent medicines and fake medical cures in the United
States. Three hundred million dollars fraudulently obtained every year,
mostly from the poor, is surely a subject deserving of honest and
careful consideration.
The pure food and drug act compelled the manufacturers of patent
medicines to publish the formulae of their remedies on their labels. This
is a big step in the right direction. Many States have helped the
propaganda in one way or another, but much remains to be done. When the
formulae were demanded it was discovered that all nostrums belonged to a
certain class. For example it was found that the soothing syrups--which
are fed to babies--all contained opium in some form, or an equally
dangerous drug. The headache remedies were all dangerous, every one of
them containing ingredients which affect the heart seriously. The
so-called tonics owed their chief virtue to their stimulating effect,
which was due to the alcohol they contained and which in many instances
practically equaled ordinary whisky in quality, quantity, and effect.
It has been authoritatively stated that more alcohol is consumed in this
country in patent medicines than is dispensed in a legal way by licensed
liquor venders, barring the sale of ales and beer.
Many so-called remedies were found to contain absolutely no medication
at all. They were simply sugar, or starch, or some harmless substance.
But they were being sold to cure anything from kidney disease to cancer.
It was an astonishing revelation and in a way it showed how far men will
go to attain financial success.
A well-known tonic was at the time of the investigation one of the most
prominent proprietary nostrums in the country. The actual cost including
bottle, label, contents, and packing is between fifteen and eighteen
cents. It costs in the drug store $1.00 per bottle. It was found to
contain alcohol and water and a pinch of burnt sugar for coloring
purposes, and one-half of one per cent. of mild drugs. It was claimed
that it would cure all or any of the diseases listed in the book, and
that list practically includes all the ills of man. It is within the
limits of truth to assert that this tonic, though advertised as a
medicine, was largely in demand as a stimulant and intoxicant,--just as
a certain famous malt whisky is to-day. Voluminous evidence is on record
wherein it is shown that it was used in enormous quantities as a
stimulant, in exactly the same way as ordinary whisky is used. The dose
of any medicine is, as a rule, seldom over a tablespoonful three or four
times a day. The average individual would imagine that there would be
some risk attached to increasing the dose from a tablespoonful to the
contents of a large size bottle. The only risk was that the patient got
a more profound and maybe a more satisfying "jag." In "no license" towns
this tonic was bought by the druggists in gross lots and used
exclusively for its intoxicating properties. In southern Ohio, and in
the mountain districts of West Virginia the "---- jag" was a standard
form of intoxication. In many Southern newspapers there appeared
regularly advertised cures for the "---- habit," brought on by the use
of this preparation,--and no doubt the cure was a stronger percentage of
liquor as this scheme was frequently worked to steal the patients from
one remedy to another.
The following communication was sent out by the Department of the
Interior, as a result of the alarming reports which were regularly
reaching Washington regarding the prevalence of drunkenness among the
Indians, despite the fact that "no liquor" was sold in these government
reservations. The fact was that the Indians had discovered this pleasant
tonic.
DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR
Office of Indian Affairs.
Washington, D. C.
To Indian Agents and School Superintendents in charge of
Agencies:
In connection with this investigation, please give particular
attention to the proprietary medicines and other compounds
which the traders keep in stock, with special reference to the
liability of their misuse by Indians on account of the alcohol
which they contain. The sale of ----, which is on the lists of
several traders, is hereby absolutely prohibited. As a
medicine, something else can be substituted; as an intoxicant,
it has been found too tempting and effective....
Mr. S. H. Adams in "The Great American Fraud" writes as follows: "The
other reason why this or some other of its class is often the agency of
drunkenness instead of whisky is that the drinker of it doesn't want to
get drunk, at least she doesn't know that she wants to get drunk. I use
the feminine pronoun advisedly, because the remedies of this class are
largely supported by women. Several of the others of these well-known
proprietary medicines depend for their popularity chiefly on their
alcohol. One celery compound relieves depression and lack of vitality on
the same principle that a cocktail does, and with the same necessity for
repetition. I know an estimable lady from the Middle West who visited
her dissipated brother in New York--dissipated from her point of view,
because she was a pillar of the W. C. T. U., and he frequently took a
cocktail before dinner and came back with it on his breath, whereon she
would weep over him as one lost to hope. One day, in a mood of brutal
exasperation, when he had not had his drink and was able to discern the
flavor of her grief, he turned on her: 'I'll tell you what's the matter
with you,' he said, 'You're drunk--maudlin drunk!'
"She promptly and properly went into hysterics. The physician who
attended diagnosed the case more politely, but to the same effect, and
ascertained that she had consumed something like half a bottle of a
certain swamp root that afternoon. Now, swamp root is a very creditable
'booze,' but much weaker in alcohol than most of its class. The brother
was greatly amused until he discovered, to his alarm, that his drink
abhorring sister couldn't get along without her patent medicine bottle!
She was in a fair way, quite innocently, of becoming a drunkard."
Another famous stomach bitters was found to contain, according to an
official State analysis, 44 per cent. of alcohol; another mixture
contained 20 per cent. of alcohol; a certain blood bitters contained 25
per cent. of alcohol; a sarsaparilla 26 per cent.; a celery compound 21
per cent.; the malt whiskey is in this class and is a particularly
obnoxious fraud, for it pretends to be a medicine and to relieve all
kinds of lung and throat disease. It is especially favored by temperance
people because in this way they get their "grog" in the guise of a
medicine. It is sold in many places across the bar of saloons at 15
cents per drink, as many other brands of rye and Bourbon whisky are
sold.
Think of treating any disease of the stomach with the famous stomach
bitters containing 44 per cent. of alcohol,--just 6 per cent. less than
the amount of alcohol in an ordinary bottle of whisky. Yet all of these
patent medicines have made fortunes for their owners, some of them have
made millions in a few years.
A number of years ago a company with a keen vision for profits conceived
the idea of bottling the water of the Great Lakes and selling it at
almost champagne prices. When delivered to the druggist ready for sale
the "remedy" contained 99 per cent. water, the other 1 per cent.
consisting of a few drops of an inert acid, used simply to give it a
slight tart taste. The preparation had absolutely no medical utility of
any description.
One of the greatest advertising crusades ever carried out in the
interest of a patent medicine was inaugurated and in these
advertisements it was claimed that it would cure:--
Asthma,
Bronchitis,
Coughs, Colds,
Cancer,
Dyspepsia,
Fevers,
Hay Fever,
Leucorrhea,
Piles, Quinsy,
Skin Diseases,
Throat Troubles,
Abscess,
Blood Poison,
Consumption,
Catarrh,
Dandruff,
Gallstones,
Influenza,
Malaria,
Rheumatism,
Tuberculosis,
Anemia,
Bowel Troubles,
Contagious Diseases,
Dysentery, Diarrhea,
Eczema, Erysipelas,
Goiter, Gout,
La Grippe,
Neuralgia,
Scrofula,
Tumors, Ulcers,
all diseases that begin with fever, inflammations, all catarrh, all
contagious diseases, all the results of impure or poisoned blood. "In
nervous diseases this remedy acts as a vitalizer, accomplishing what no
drugs can do." These are the exact words of the advertisement. It ought
to take a stronger vitalizer than water from the Great Lakes to induce
anyone to believe such a story; and yet this company attained a
remarkable success and had no difficulty in obtaining thousands of
testimonials.
We are certainly a nation of dupes, and Barnum's dictum, that "the
public loves to be fooled," is literally true. In a number of instances
the proprietor of a successful remedy has been asked under oath if his
preparation had any curative value and he has refused to answer the
question, while thousands of foolish people have sent him unsolicited
testimonials asserting its remarkable merits as a cure in all kinds of
conditions. Some of these ignorant people actually believe what they
write, but most of them write "to see their name in the paper," while
many of them are paid for it.
It was stated in the literature sent all over the country by this
company that their remedy was really liquid oxygen. It would be nearer
the truth to state that the moon was made of green cheese. The one
assertion can be disproved, the other cannot with scientific exactness.
Liquid oxygen practically does not exist. Assuming that it could be
obtained in teaspoonful doses, and assuming that some dauntless
individual made the attempt to take a dose, he would never swallow it
for the reason that it would freeze his teeth, tongue, mouth, and
throat, so that they would be useless to him for the remainder of his
life. If by any miracle it could be swallowed, the undertaker would have
to thaw him out over a stove in order to assure him a respectable
burial. We may safely feel certain that the nostrum was not liquid
oxygen. It is, however, a very fair sample of the foolish kind of lies
which all of these nostrum venders employ,--they are after, and appeal
only to the ignorant. I am informed that the directors of this company
decided to retire as ordinary millionaires rather than risk the chance
of developing nervous prostration, in which event they might have felt
it somewhat disloyal not to have taken their own medicine.
HEADACHE REMEDIES.--Most headache remedies are dangerous. The following
are in this class; orange powders, bromo powders, pain powders, headache
powders, anti-headache, and practically all headache powders or remedies
sold in drug stores.
Many deaths are on record from the use of orange powders and from
others. There are many examples of what an unthinking individual may do
to helpless little children.
Orange powders were recommended for the cure of asthma, biliousness,
headache, colds, catarrh, grip, diarrhea, hay fever, insomnia,
neuralgia, seasickness, and sciatica. There is no known cure for a
number of these diseases, and apart from the malicious assumption of the
claim, orange powders will not cure any of them.
Another dangerous headache nostrum, widely advertised all over the
country, is responsible for many deaths as a result of its use. It is
absolutely unsafe, as previously stated, to use any of these remedies.
Death by heart failure is on the increase in this country and it may
safely be attributed to the indiscriminate use of these powerful and
toxic nostrums.
The "soothing syrups" depend upon opium to effect their result. The
drugging of helpless infants has been a source of profit to the vender
of patent medicines for many years. A certain Baby Friend,--a touching
name, and in which one would not expect to find an enemy in the guise of
a deadly poison,--is a combination of sweetened water and morphine. This
disgraceful mixture, considering the use for which it was designed,
would be bad enough if it was the evil concoction of a man rendered
irresponsible by a strenuous craving for blood-money, but to know that
its proprietor is a woman seems beyond belief. I wonder if she would
feel sufficiently respectable and decently clean enough to stand on the
platform and face an audience of American mothers? I think not.
Catarrh powders contain, as a rule, cocaine, one of the most insidious
and dangerous of drugs. None of them cure catarrh, they simply relieve
for the time being at the expense of injuring more vital parts. Their
use also very frequently disposes the victim to postpone treatment that
would be beneficial until too late. M----'s Kidney Pills were said to
cure Bright's disease, gravel, all urinary troubles and pain in the back
or groins from kidney disease. Analysis showed them to consist of
ordinary white sugar. They contained absolutely no medication, and yet
they were freely sold to cure the above serious conditions. A famous
expectorant and an equally famous cough syrup contain opium and when
taken for the cure of cough are distinctly dangerous.
It is foolish and unnecessary to name any other patent medicine in the
list of those that are distinctly harmful and dangerous to use. There
are hundreds of them. It would take a book of a thousand pages to give
their names and write the data that have been obtained against them.
Every advertised medicine should be absolutely avoided. I could fill
this book with the death certificates of those who have died as a
result of the indiscriminate use of advertised nostrums. It is an
appalling record; the unfortunate part being that it is impossible to
acquaint every citizen with the facts.
Duplicity and misrepresentation are not confined to patent medicines.
Even the mineral waters are misrepresented and lied about. A
much-advertised lithia water, before the passage of the pure food and
drugs act, was highly vaunted as a uric acid eliminant because of the
lithia it was said to contain. Thousands, probably millions of gallons
of it have been sold during the past twenty years, to people who could
not very well afford to pay for it, because of this claim, despite the
fact that it is well known that lithia is not a uric acid eliminant, and
despite the additional important fact that the government analysis of
this lithia water proved that it practically contained no lithia
whatsoever. It is now being sold as an "alkaline diuretic." This claim
is no better supported by facts than the former claim that it was a
lithia water. Of course it is a diuretic, because water is the best
diuretic we possess, but any ordinary pure water, which costs nothing,
will just as effectually accomplish all that this lithia water could as
a diuretic.
It is a fact that the judgment of a sick person is not reliable. For
this reason a physician never tries to treat himself when sick, nor will
a physician treat any member of his family for much the same reason. His
sentiment overrules his judgment and he cannot depend upon his
decisions. An individual who is not well may be influenced by an
irresponsible person, or by a clever, subtly worded advertisement, to
use remedies that are not only dangerous in themselves, but which are
wholly unsuited to the condition for which they are taken.
Quite a common characteristic of sick people is unreasonableness. They
become irritable and discouraged, and not being able to rely upon their
own judgment they fail to render to themselves the degree of justice
that is essential to peace of mind and a favorable convalescence. They
may place themselves in the care of a reputable and thoroughly qualified
physician, but if they do not observe distinct evidences of improvement
within a very brief period they lose faith in him and change their
doctor. They may do this a number of times, until finally they reach the
conclusion that the entire medical profession is a fraud. They are then
the legitimate victims of the patent medicine shark or the fake-curist.
Probably ninety-nine per cent. of the victims of these parasites are
obtained in this way. The statement often seen in testimonials to the
effect, that "the best doctors failed to cure me," is not true in any
instance. The truth is, that the individual failed to give the doctors
the opportunity to cure him, and the reason he did not give them the
chance was because they treated him as a man and as a human being, which
he proved not to be. Had the first doctor he consulted adopted the
tactics of the quack he would have cured him in a much shorter time.
Instead of doing that, he told him the exact truth and charged him an
ordinary office fee, while the quack told him lies and charged him a
large sum of money to cure him. The latter gentleman, knowing the
tendency to vacillate which these individuals have, ensured himself the
time necessary to a cure by compelling him to pay the entire sum in
advance, which is their universal custom. The patient, therefore, could
not afford to change his doctor this time, and as time was all that was
necessary to his cure, the wily and oily quack gets all the credit for
effecting a cure, which "the best doctors could not accomplish." It is a
simple game, and the explanation is just as simple, but there are those
who will not see, and there are those who cannot be told.
It is not simple justice, however, to blame these individuals
altogether. We must keep in mind the irresolute judgment which is to a
certain extent a product of the ill-health with which the patient
suffers and the consequent easy tendency to be persuaded one way or
another. The way in which these people are influenced is always the
wrong way for the following reason. No person with any judgment or
common sense or justice or sympathy would be fool enough or inhuman
enough to give advice to a suffering sick man or woman as to what he or
she should do or take. These individuals do not lack advice, however.
There is always the pestering idiot around who knows exactly what
should be done, and who does not hesitate to enter where an angel would
fear to tread.
In the columns of almost every newspaper one may find promises of
health, wealth and happiness for a dollar a bottle. Even consumption has
been vaunted as an easily curable disease by a hundred different
nostrums, though the truth is that it is incurable by any known drug.
Men who advertise these remedies are deliberately trafficking in human
life, and they are thoroughly well aware of it. It is difficult to
conceive of the type of manhood who would advertise a remedy as "The
only sure cure for consumption in the world;" this was extensively done
by the concern that put a certain "New Discovery for Consumption" on the
market. Further announcement was made that "it strikes terror to the
doctors," and that it was "the greatest discovery of the century." Every
such assertion is a lie. It was found to be a mixture of morphine and
chloroform. It is a wicked concoction to give to any human being in good
health. To a consumptive it is admirably designed to shorten the life of
anyone who will take it steadily in the hope of a cure. It certainly
struck terror in the hearts of the doctors after its composition was
known and when it was remembered to whom it was to be given.
"Consumption Cure" was found to contain one of the most deadly of known
poisons,--prussic acid. In a booklet which was sent out by the
proprietors of a certain cough syrup the following contemptible
assertion is made: "There is no case of hoarseness, cough, asthma,
bronchitis, or consumption that cannot be cured speedily by the proper
use of this cough syrup." Such a cruel and dangerously fraudulent
statement is absolutely inexplicable to any honest mind. Dr. ----'s
---- pills for pale people, were advertised to cure paralysis. They were
found to be made of green vitriol, starch and sugar.
Those who bought these nostrums not only wasted their money, but they
threw away any chance of relief they have, by failing to adopt the
proper treatment until it was too late.
In directing the attention of mothers to the evil of the patent medicine
business it is my earnest hope that they will give to the subject
something more than a mere passing interest. To an intelligent
individual no lengthy argument,--other than the recital of such facts as
are given in this article,--is necessary to prove that it is an evil
which is deserving of the most serious consideration.
The business is one that appeals only to the ignorant. This is a plain
and probably a harsh assertion, nevertheless it is absolutely the simple
truth. The language and the reasoning of the nostrum vender are not
designed to appeal to the trained, educated mind, or to an individual
possessing innate common sense. Even though the average person is
unacquainted with the constituents of a remedy that apparently enjoys a
large success, the absurd claims made for it should safeguard them
against its use. Few would have purchased ordinary water at $1.00 a
bottle had they known what they were buying. But an individual with any
reasoning ability or ordinary common sense, should have been sceptical
regarding the merits of any remedy that was claimed to "cure," among
other diseases, consumption, cancer, rheumatism, malaria, gallstones,
asthma, blood poison, dandruff, and all contagious diseases. It would be
impossible to conceive a more mendacious and absurd claim, and it would
be impossible to concoct a more impertinently foolish assumption than to
assume that such a claim would receive the consideration of a sane mind.
Unfortunately, however, we are compelled to recognize that there are
some curious people in the world, people whose reasoning methods are
inexplicable, whose conclusions are not based upon any system of ethics
or of logic. They believe what they choose to believe, irrespective of
the quality of the testimony which may be advanced to refute their
belief. The following incident illustrates this peculiar perversity: A
woman patient of mine suffered from an obstinate and harassing cough.
Though her general health was rather poor, her lungs were not affected.
The cough persisted in spite of all efforts of specialists to alleviate
it. The nervous condition of the patient, and an unusually long spell of
inclement March weather, were directly responsible for the intractable
character of the ailment. I advised her to visit Florida. This advice
was given because her parents were then residing in that State. She did
go to Florida and her husband informed me a few weeks later that she was
entirely free from the cough and was enjoying good health. A number of
months later, shortly after her return home, I was called to attend her
husband. During the conversation incident to the call, she asked if I
"knew what cured her awful cough." Somewhat amazed, I replied,
"Certainly, Florida." She answered, with positive emphasis, "No, sir,
Florida did not." I then asked her to please explain the mystery and was
regaled with the following interesting information:
A few days after she reached Florida she met a woman--one of those
irresponsible individuals who meander through life giving free advice
upon subjects which they know nothing about, who talk eruptively and
voluminously because talking is an easily acquired habit. This
particular missionary of evil immediately confided to her the secret of
her life, how she was made a well woman and cured wholly of all physical
ills. She told her there was a man in Kansas who had discovered a
liquid, which, if dropped into the eye twice daily, would cure any
disease afflicting any member of the human family. This exuberant spider
induced her victim to enter her parlor where she convinced her at her
leisure that she was preaching the gospel. The result was that our
friend sent to Kansas for the "Elixir of Life." Meantime the climate of
Florida was doing its work. But just at this psychological moment the
"elixir" arrived. Two drops of the precious liquid were, with due
solemnity and deliberation, instilled into her eye and in a few days her
cough began to mend. It would have been waste of time to have asked if
she really believed the drops to be responsible for her cure. She spoke
with the enthusiastic conviction of a disciple of a worthier cause. I
inquired if she possessed any literature explaining the method of cure,
and she presented me with the printed matter which is sent with the
bottle. I told her I would look it over and tell her what I thought of
it later.
The _Message of Facts_, which was the title of the newspaper, (it was
printed like a newspaper and of the size of an ordinary paper),
contained complete information regarding the "wonderful remedy" and its
discoverer. He assumed the title of Professor and candidly admitted that
he had been arrested a number of times for practicing medicine without a
license. He asserted that the reason of his numerous arrests was because
the medical profession in the State of Kansas, being jealous of his
success instigated a course of insistent persecution against him. He
further asserted that he offered to sell his discovery to the State, but
the State refused to purchase it, consequently he had to go on
practicing to earn a living. With reference to his method of treatment
he stated:
"Despite the fact that medical men are too unfair and too prejudiced to
accord Professor ---- the credit he has justly earned, there is no
getting away from the plain truth, that the great scientist has
originated a method of conquering human ills that has completely
revolutionized the long-cherished theories of the medical schools."
And further, "... being the discoverer of my system and the only man in
the world practicing it, and having all cures and no cases of injury as
my record shows ..."
Note that, in the first quotation, he asserts that his methods have
revolutionized the old-time theories. This would surely imply that the
medical schools, having been compelled to note his successful ways, were
compelled likewise to change their theories and teach his way of curing
disease. Despite this strong and robust assertion he states, in the
second quotation, that he is the only man in the world practicing his
methods. Evidently he did not revolutionize to any very great extent.
He claimed to be able to cure any human ill, and particularly emphasized
his ability to cure consumption, Bright's disease, diabetes, epilepsy,
asthma, stomach troubles, nervous prostration, blindness, female
diseases, paralysis, heart and kidney diseases.
He, of course, does not state the nature of his remedy. It consists of a
liquid which is dropped into the eye, and the procedure is the same, no
matter what disease afflicts the patient. It is not essential to write
at length his explanation of the way in which this "marvelous
discovery" effects its cures. Suffice it to say, that it is a tissue of
anatomical and physiological misrepresentation. He admittedly is
uneducated and possesses absolutely no knowledge of even elementary
medicine. His explanation is, therefore, to a medical mind, a ludicrous
and an absurd attempt to tell what he does not understand. Of course,
his explanation is not supposed to fall into the hands of a physician,
and to a lay person, who understands as little as he does, it sounds all
right. We must again fall back on the foolish claims he makes and on the
basis of common sense we fail to understand how anyone can believe such
stuff. Yet the woman who firmly believes that her cough was cured by
this man has enthusiastically recommended the nostrum to a number of
other women who have various ailments, all of whom are using it under
her experienced instructions.
This is a very good illustration of how these impostors and charlatans
succeed. This woman was approached at the psychological moment and was
influenced to buy. It did not necessarily have to be these drops. It
might just as well have been any other patent medicine, or any fake
cure. It would have worked just the same for the reason that it was the
climate of Florida that did the work. It is absurd to devote time even
to consider the probability of the drops having aided in the cure. This
man's whole scheme is a fake, pure and simple. No part of it has any
merit. In other words, his remedy is no remedy at all, it is simply the
mildest, ordinary eye wash, which may be bought in any drug store for
ten cents. He charges $5.00, but think of the story he writes, think of
the promises he gives and the claims he makes, and the paper he
prints,--these all cost money and time and labor, and you must pay for
them. And I know a woman who is putting these drops in her eye twice
daily in the hope of correcting a displaced womb. Could the brain of the
most facile weaver of romance conceive a more utterly absurd and pitiful
condition of affairs than that an adult human being should be guilty of
doing what an intelligent ant would not do under any circumstances?
When the "professor" claims that he refuses to "give up" his secret
unless the State of Kansas adequately remunerates him for it, which, of
course, it rightly refuses to do--he demonstrates how absolutely devoid
of horse sense he is. No man with a "cure" for consumption--without
mentioning the many other equally remunerative "cures" which this wizard
owns, and which may be appended to the consumption "cure" just as the
side-shows journey in the wake of the big circus--need waste his
precious time dickering with the unappreciative State of Kansas. If his
"cure" is anywhere near twenty-four carat gold he can own the State of
Kansas and he may add another one to it for good measure. Any man
capable of doing one-thousandth part of what this wily "professor"
claims to be able to do, would make so much money that it would
embarrass him all the rest of his life. One of his claims is that he can
cure epilepsy. If he could cure epilepsy he wouldn't be allowed to stay
twenty-four hours in the State of Kansas. Every civilized country on the
face of the earth would bid for his services as an economic necessity
because as an investment he would be cheap at any price.