For a wager, two men ate nuts: the one ate ninety-nine, the other a
hundred and won [one], how many did the winner eat more than the
loser?—One.
* * * * *
A specimen of that noble animal, the horse, having been paraded before a
company enthusiastic upon its faultlessness, modestly but firmly insist
upon it, that—without pretending to any great veterinary knowledge—you
can see with a quarter of an eye that the gorgeous steed has “the
lifts.” The name of this mysterious complaint being somewhat analogous
to that of the “heaves,” a torrent of indignation will doubtlessly burst
upon you. On being forced to give an explanation, you can, with the
fearlessness of truth, explain that if the creature did not have “the
_lifts_,” could it move its feet off the ground.
* * * * *
HOW TO PUSH A LADY’S HEAD THROUGH A WEDDING RING.—Run your finger
through the ring and touch the lady’s head with the tip.
* * * * *
How many Bank of England notes will weigh down a sovereign? Only seven
will more than equal the coin in weight.
* * * * *
HOW TO MAKE A LADY STICK OUT HER LITTLE FINGER.—The best way of securing
this effect is to put on the finger a diamond ring. The mere desire to
display the diamond to the best advantage is sure to make the lady stick
out her little finger in the most charming manner possible. When the
effect begins to fail, substitute another ring of greater brilliancy.
_Addendum._—A ring at the door-bell has been known to make a lady stick
her head out of the window.—_Hanky Panky._
* * * * *
One of the company having related a story which lauds his moral
excellence, observe that, spite of his pretentions, you know what will
_hang_ him! At the end of his indignation—answer, a rope!
* * * * *
SQUARING ACCOUNTS.—A day or two since an inveterate joker met his
friend, Hanky Panky, Esq., in the street, whom he knows to be a great
dog fancier. With a twinkle in his eye and an inquiring look in his
countenance he anxiously asked him if he had seen the new breed of
imported dogs, the “Sooner.” Professor Panky replied that he had not,
and wished to know the peculiarity of the breed.
“They’d _sooner_ stay in the house than go out of doors,” was the reply,
as the joker cautiously moved away, shaking his sides and winking.
The prestidigitateur determined to be even, and the next time he met the
joker he seriously remarked:
“You’ve been to Smith de Brown’s, haven’t you?”
“No, why?”
“I thought you knew he had got back his tray of diamonds.”
“No, is that so? How did he get it?”
“He took it with the four ‘spot.’”
The playful youth suddenly remembered a very pressing engagement and
hurried away, remarking, “I—I—I’ll see you again, Doctor Hanky, I—I—I
don’t quite understand.”
* * * * *
A lady occupying a room, letter B, at an hotel, wrote on the slate as
follows: “Wake letter B at seven; and if letter B says ‘let her be,’
don’t let her be, nor let letter B be, because if you let letter B be
letter B will be unable to let her house to Mr. B., who is to call at
half-past ten.” The porter—a much better bootblack than
orthographist—after studying the above all night, did not know whether
to wake letter B or let her be.
* * * * *
[Illustration]
A young man asked a young lady how old she was, and replied “6 times 7
and 7 times 3 added to my age will exceed 6 times 9 and 4, as double my
age exceeds 20.” The young man thought she looked much older.
* * * * *
What is the difference between twice twenty-eight and twice eight and
twenty?—Twenty; because twice twenty-eight are fifty-six, and twice
eight _and_ twenty are thirty-six.
* * * * *
One of 10 loves what 1028.