ONCE upon a time, and of course it was in the Golden Age, and I hope you
may know when that was, for I am sure I don’t, though I have tried hard
to find out, there lived in a rich and fertile country, a powerful Prince
whose name was BULL. He had gone through a great deal of fighting, in
his time, about all sorts of things, including nothing; but, had
gradually settled down to be a steady, peaceable, good-natured,
corpulent, rather sleepy Prince.
This Puissant Prince was married to a lovely Princess whose name was Fair
Freedom. She had brought him a large fortune, and had borne him an
immense number of children, and had set them to spinning, and farming,
and engineering, and soldiering, and sailoring, and doctoring, and
lawyering, and preaching, and all kinds of trades. The coffers of Prince
Bull were full of treasure, his cellars were crammed with delicious wines
from all parts of the world, the richest gold and silver plate that ever
was seen adorned his sideboards, his sons were strong, his daughters were
handsome, and in short you might have supposed that if there ever lived
upon earth a fortunate and happy Prince, the name of that Prince, take
him for all in all, was assuredly Prince Bull.
But, appearances, as we all know, are not always to be trusted—far from
it; and if they had led you to this conclusion respecting Prince Bull,
they would have led you wrong as they often have led me.
For, this good Prince had two sharp thorns in his pillow, two hard knobs
in his crown, two heavy loads on his mind, two unbridled nightmares in
his sleep, two rocks ahead in his course. He could not by any means get
servants to suit him, and he had a tyrannical old godmother, whose name
was Tape.
She was a Fairy, this Tape, and was a bright red all over. She was
disgustingly prim and formal, and could never bend herself a hair’s
breadth this way or that way, out of her naturally crooked shape. But,
she was very potent in her wicked art. She could stop the fastest thing
in the world, change the strongest thing into the weakest, and the most
useful into the most useless. To do this she had only to put her cold
hand upon it, and repeat her own name, Tape. Then it withered away.
At the Court of Prince Bull—at least I don’t mean literally at his court,
because he was a very genteel Prince, and readily yielded to his
godmother when she always reserved that for his hereditary Lords and
Ladies—in the dominions of Prince Bull, among the great mass of the
community who were called in the language of that polite country the Mobs
and the Snobs, were a number of very ingenious men, who were always busy
with some invention or other, for promoting the prosperity of the
Prince’s subjects, and augmenting the Prince’s power. But, whenever they
submitted their models for the Prince’s approval, his godmother stepped
forward, laid her hand upon them, and said ‘Tape.’ Hence it came to
pass, that when any particularly good discovery was made, the discoverer
usually carried it off to some other Prince, in foreign parts, who had no
old godmother who said Tape. This was not on the whole an advantageous
state of things for Prince Bull, to the best of my understanding.
The worst of it was, that Prince Bull had in course of years lapsed into
such a state of subjection to this unlucky godmother, that he never made
any serious effort to rid himself of her tyranny. I have said this was
the worst of it, but there I was wrong, because there is a worse
consequence still, behind. The Prince’s numerous family became so
downright sick and tired of Tape, that when they should have helped the
Prince out of the difficulties into which that evil creature led him,
they fell into a dangerous habit of moodily keeping away from him in an
impassive and indifferent manner, as though they had quite forgotten that
no harm could happen to the Prince their father, without its inevitably
affecting themselves.
Such was the aspect of affairs at the court of Prince Bull, when this
great Prince found it necessary to go to war with Prince Bear. He had
been for some time very doubtful of his servants, who, besides being
indolent and addicted to enriching their families at his expense,
domineered over him dreadfully; threatening to discharge themselves if
they were found the least fault with, pretending that they had done a
wonderful amount of work when they had done nothing, making the most
unmeaning speeches that ever were heard in the Prince’s name, and
uniformly showing themselves to be very inefficient indeed. Though, that
some of them had excellent characters from previous situations is not to
be denied. Well; Prince Bull called his servants together, and said to
them one and all, ‘Send out my army against Prince Bear. Clothe it, arm
it, feed it, provide it with all necessaries and contingencies, and I
will pay the piper! Do your duty by my brave troops,’ said the Prince,
‘and do it well, and I will pour my treasure out like water, to defray
the cost. Who ever heard ME complain of money well laid out!’ Which
indeed he had reason for saying, inasmuch as he was well known to be a
truly generous and munificent Prince.
When the servants heard those words, they sent out the army against
Prince Bear, and they set the army tailors to work, and the army
provision merchants, and the makers of guns both great and small, and the
gunpowder makers, and the makers of ball, shell, and shot; and they
bought up all manner of stores and ships, without troubling their heads
about the price, and appeared to be so busy that the good Prince rubbed
his hands, and (using a favourite expression of his), said, ‘It’s all
right!’ But, while they were thus employed, the Prince’s godmother, who
was a great favourite with those servants, looked in upon them
continually all day long, and whenever she popped in her head at the door
said, How do you do, my children? What are you doing here?’ ‘Official
business, godmother.’ ‘Oho!’ says this wicked Fairy. ‘—Tape!’ And then
the business all went wrong, whatever it was, and the servants’ heads
became so addled and muddled that they thought they were doing wonders.
Now, this was very bad conduct on the part of the vicious old nuisance,
and she ought to have been strangled, even if she had stopped here; but,
she didn’t stop here, as you shall learn. For, a number of the Prince’s
subjects, being very fond of the Prince’s army who were the bravest of
men, assembled together and provided all manner of eatables and
drinkables, and books to read, and clothes to wear, and tobacco to smoke,
and candies to burn, and nailed them up in great packing-cases, and put
them aboard a great many ships, to be carried out to that brave army in
the cold and inclement country where they were fighting Prince Bear.
Then, up comes this wicked Fairy as the ships were weighing anchor, and
says, ‘How do you do, my children? What are you doing here?’—‘We are
going with all these comforts to the army, godmother.’—‘Oho!’ says she.
‘A pleasant voyage, my darlings.—Tape!’ And from that time forth, those
enchanting ships went sailing, against wind and tide and rhyme and
reason, round and round the world, and whenever they touched at any port
were ordered off immediately, and could never deliver their cargoes
anywhere.
This, again, was very bad conduct on the part of the vicious old
nuisance, and she ought to have been strangled for it if she had done
nothing worse; but, she did something worse still, as you shall learn.
For, she got astride of an official broomstick, and muttered as a spell
these two sentences, ‘On Her Majesty’s service,’ and ‘I have the honour
to be, sir, your most obedient servant,’ and presently alighted in the
cold and inclement country where the army of Prince Bull were encamped to
fight the army of Prince Bear. On the sea-shore of that country, she
found piled together, a number of houses for the army to live in, and a
quantity of provisions for the army to live upon, and a quantity of
clothes for the army to wear: while, sitting in the mud gazing at them,
were a group of officers as red to look at as the wicked old woman
herself. So, she said to one of them, ‘Who are _you_, my darling, and
how do _you_ do?’—‘I am the Quartermaster General’s Department,
godmother, and _I_ am pretty well.’ Then she said to another, ‘Who are
you, my darling, and how do you do?’—‘I am the Commissariat Department,
godmother, and I am pretty well! Then she said to another, ‘Who are you,
my darling, and how do you do?’—‘I am the Head of the Medical Department,
godmother, and _I_ am pretty well.’ Then, she said to some gentlemen
scented with lavender, who kept themselves at a great distance from the
rest, ‘And who are _you_, my pretty pets, and how do _you_ do?’ And they
answered, ‘We-aw-are-the-aw-Staff-aw-Department, godmother, and we are
very well indeed.’—‘I am delighted to see you all, my beauties,’ says
this wicked old Fairy, ‘—Tape!’ Upon that, the houses, clothes, and
provisions, all mouldered away; and the soldiers who were sound, fell
sick; and the soldiers who were sick, died miserably: and the noble army
of Prince Bull perished.
When the dismal news of his great loss was carried to the Prince, he
suspected his godmother very much indeed; but, he knew that his servants
must have kept company with the malicious beldame, and must have given
way to her, and therefore he resolved to turn those servants out of their
places. So, he called to him a Roebuck who had the gift of speech, and
he said, ‘Good Roebuck, tell them they must go.’ So, the good Roebuck
delivered his message, so like a man that you might have supposed him to
be nothing but a man, and they were turned out—but, not without warning,
for that they had had a long time.
And now comes the most extraordinary part of the history of this Prince.
When he had turned out those servants, of course he wanted others. What
was his astonishment to find that in all his dominions, which contained
no less than twenty-seven millions of people, there were not above
five-and-twenty servants altogether! They were so lofty about it, too,
that instead of discussing whether they should hire themselves as
servants to Prince Bull, they turned things topsy-turvy, and considered
whether as a favour they should hire Prince Bull to be their master!
While they were arguing this point among themselves quite at their
leisure, the wicked old red Fairy was incessantly going up and down,
knocking at the doors of twelve of the oldest of the five-and-twenty, who
were the oldest inhabitants in all that country, and whose united ages
amounted to one thousand, saying, ‘Will you hire Prince Bull for your
master?—Will you hire Prince Bull for your master?’ To which one
answered, ‘I will if next door will;’ and another, ‘I won’t if over the
way does;’ and another, ‘I can’t if he, she, or they, might, could,
would, or should.’ And all this time Prince Bull’s affairs were going to
rack and ruin.
At last, Prince Bull in the height of his perplexity assumed a thoughtful
face, as if he were struck by an entirely new idea. The wicked old
Fairy, seeing this, was at his elbow directly, and said, ‘How do you do,
my Prince, and what are you thinking of?’—‘I am thinking, godmother,’
says he, ‘that among all the seven-and-twenty millions of my subjects who
have never been in service, there are men of intellect and business who
have made me very famous both among my friends and enemies.’—‘Aye,
truly?’ says the Fairy.—‘Aye, truly,’ says the Prince.—‘And what then?’
says the Fairy.—‘Why, then,’ says he, ‘since the regular old class of
servants do so ill, are so hard to get, and carry it with so high a hand,
perhaps I might try to make good servants of some of these.’ The words
had no sooner passed his lips than she returned, chuckling, ‘You think
so, do you? Indeed, my Prince?—Tape!’ Thereupon he directly forgot what
he was thinking of, and cried out lamentably to the old servants, ‘O, do
come and hire your poor old master! Pray do! On any terms!’
And this, for the present, finishes the story of Prince Bull. I wish I
could wind it up by saying that he lived happy ever afterwards, but I
cannot in my conscience do so; for, with Tape at his elbow, and his
estranged children fatally repelled by her from coming near him, I do
not, to tell you the plain truth, believe in the possibility of such an
end to it.