about it, on my sacred word.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But what do you want with him?
TÁNYA. That's a little secret. I will tell you later on, only ask him.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH (smiling). I can't think what you are up to! All
right, I'll go and ask him.
[Exit.
TÁNYA. I'll do it! Didn't he say himself that there is that power in
Simon? And I know how to manage. No one found me out that time, and
now I'll teach Simon what to do. If it doesn't succeed it's no great
matter. After all it's not a sin.
[Enter LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH, followed by THEODORE IVÁNITCH.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (smiling). Is this the petitioner? Well, what is
your business?
TÁNYA. It's a little secret, Leoníd Fyódoritch; let me tell it you
alone.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What is it? Theodore, leave us for a minute.
[Exit THEODORE IVÁNITCH.
TÁNYA. As I have grown up and lived in your house, Leoníd Fyódoritch,
and as I am very grateful to you for everything, I shall open my heart
to you as to a father. Simon, who is living in your house, wants to
marry me.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. So that's it!
TÁNYA. I open my heart to you as to a father! I have no one to advise
me, being an orphan.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, and why not? He seems a nice lad.
TÁNYA. Yes, that's true. He would be all right; there is only one
thing I have my doubts about. It's something about him that I have
noticed and can't make out ... perhaps it is something bad.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What is it? Does he drink?
TÁNYA. God forbid! But since I know that there is such a thing as
spiritalism....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Ah, you know that?
TÁNYA. Of course! I understand it very well. Some, of course, through
ignorance, don't understand it.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, what then?
TÁNYA. I am very much afraid for Simon. It does happen to him.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What happens to him?
TÁNYA. Something of a kind like spiritalism. You ask any of the
servants. As soon as he gets drowsy at the table, the table begins to
tremble, and creak like that: tuke, ... tuke! All the servants have
heard it.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Why, it's the very thing I was saying to Sergéy
Ivánitch this morning! Yes?...
TÁNYA. Or else ... when was it?... Oh, yes, last Wednesday. We sat
down to dinner, and the spoon just jumps into his hand of itself!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Ah, that is interesting! Jumps into his hand? When
he was drowsing?
TÁNYA. That I didn't notice. I think he was, though.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes?...
TÁNYA. And that's what I'm afraid of, and what I wanted to ask you
about. May not some harm come of it? To live one's life together, and
him having such a thing in him!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (smiling). No, you need not be afraid, there is
nothing bad in that. It only proves him to be a medium--simply a
medium. I knew him to be a medium before this.
TÁNYA. So that's what it is! And I was afraid!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, there's nothing to be afraid of. (Aside.)
That's capital! Kaptchítch can't come, so we will test him
to-night.... (To TÁNYA.) No, my dear, don't be afraid, he will be a
good husband and ... that is only a kind of special power, and every
one has it, only in some it is weaker and in others stronger.
TÁNYA. Thank you, sir. Now I shan't think any more about it; but I was
so frightened.... What a thing it is, our want of education!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, no, don't be frightened.... Theodore!
[Enter THEODORE IVÁNITCH.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I am going out now. Get everything ready for
to-night's séance.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But Mr. Kaptchítch is not coming.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. That does not matter. (Puts on overcoat.) We shall
have a trial séance with our own medium.
[Exit. THEODORE IVÁNITCH goes out with him.
TÁNYA (alone). He believes it! He believes it! (Shrieks and jumps with
joy.) He really believes it! Isn't it wonderful! (Shrieks.) Now I'll
do it, if only Simon has pluck for it!
[THEODORE IVÁNITCH returns.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, have you told him your secret?
TÁNYA. I'll tell you, too, only later on.... But I have a favor to ask
of you, too, Theodore Ivánitch.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes? What is it?
TÁNYA (shyly). You have been a second father to me, and I will open my
heart before you as before God.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Don't beat about the bush, but come straight to the
point.
TÁNYA. The point is ... well, the point is, that Simon wants to marry
me.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Is that it? I thought I noticed....
TÁNYA. Well, why should I hide it? I am an orphan, and you know
yourself how matters are in these town establishments. Every one comes
bothering; there's that Gregory Miháylitch, for instance, he gives me
no peace. And also that other one ... you know. They think I have no
soul, and am only here for their amusement.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Good girl, that's right! Well, what then?
TÁNYA. Well, Simon wrote to his father; and he, his father, sees me
to-day, and says: "He's spoilt"--he means his son. Theodore Ivánitch
(bows), take the place of a father to me, speak to the old man,--to
Simon's father! I could take them into the kitchen, and you might come
in and speak to the old man!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH (smiling). Then I am to turn match-maker--am I?
Well, I can do that.
TÁNYA. Theodore Ivánitch, dearest, be a father to me, and I'll pray
for you all my life long.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right, all right, I'll come later on. Haven't I
promised?
[Takes up newspaper.
TÁNYA. You are a second father to me!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right, all right.
TÁNYA. Then I'll rely on you.
[Exit.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH (alone, shaking his head). A good affectionate girl.
To think that so many like her perish! Get but once into trouble and
she'll go from hand to hand until she sinks into the mire, and can
never be found again! There was that dear little Nataly. She, too, was
a good girl, reared and cared for by a mother. (Takes up paper.) Well,
let's see what tricks Ferdinand is up to in Bulgaria.
CURTAIN
ACT II
Evening of the same day. The scene represents the interior of the
servants' kitchen. The PEASANTS have taken off their outer garments
and sit drinking tea at the table, and perspiring. THEODORE IVÁNITCH
is smoking a cigar at the other side of the stage. The discharged COOK
is lying on the brick oven, and is unseen during the early part of the
scene.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. My advice is, don't hinder him! If it's his wish
and hers, in Heaven's name, let him do it. She is a good, honest girl.
Never mind her being a bit dressy; she can't help that, living in
town: she is a good girl all the same.
SECOND PEASANT. Well, of course, if it is his wish, let him! He'll
have to live with her, not me. But she's certainly uncommon spruce.
How's one to take her into one's hut? Why, she'll not let her
mother-in-law so much as pat her on the head.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. That does not depend on the spruceness, but on
character. If her nature is good, she's sure to be docile and
respectful.
SECOND PEASANT. Ah, well, we'll have her if the lad's bent on having
her. After all, it's a bad job to live with one as one don't care for.
I'll consult my missus, and then may Heaven bless them!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Then let's shake hands on it!
SECOND PEASANT. Well, it seems it will have to come off.
FIRST PEASANT. Eh, Zachary! fortune's a-smiling on you! You've come to
accomplish a piece of business, and just see what a duchess of a
daughter-in-law you've obtained. All that's left to be done is to have
a drink on it, and then it will be all in order.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. That's not at all necessary.
[An awkward silence.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I know something of your way of life, too, you
know. I am even thinking of purchasing a bit of land, building a
cottage, and working on the land myself somewhere; maybe in your
neighborhood.
SECOND PEASANT. A very good thing, too.
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. When one has got the money one can get
all kinds of pleasure in the country.
THIRD PEASANT. Say no more about it! Country life let's say, is freer
in every way, not like the town!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. There now, would you let me join your Commune if I
settled among you?
SECOND PEASANT. Why not? If you stand drink for the Elders, they'll
accept you soon enough!
FIRST PEASANT. And if you open a public-house, for example, or an inn,
why, you'd have such a life you'd never need to die! You might live
like a king, and no mistake.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, we'll see. I should certainly like to have a
few quiet years in my old age. Though my life here is good enough, and
I should be sorry to leave. Leoníd Fyódoritch is an exceedingly
kind-hearted man.
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. But how about our business? Is it
possible that he is going to leave it without any termination?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. He'd do it willingly.
SECOND PEASANT. It seems he's afraid of his wife.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. It's not that he's afraid, but they don't hit
things off together.
THIRD PEASANT. But you should try, father! How are we to live else?
We've so little land....
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. We'll see what comes of Tánya's attempt. She's
taken the business into her hands now!
THIRD PEASANT (takes a sip of tea). Father, be merciful. We've so
little land. A hen, let's say, we've no room for a hen, let alone the
cattle.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. If the business depended on me.... (To SECOND
PEASANT.) Well, friend, so we've done our bit of match-making! It's
agreed then about Tánya?
SECOND PEASANT. I've given my word, and I'll not go back on it without
a good reason. If only our business succeeds!
[Enter SERVANTS' COOK, who looks up at the oven, makes a sign,
and then begins to speak animatedly to THEODORE IVÁNITCH.
SERVANTS' COOK. Just now Simon was called upstairs from the front
kitchen! The master and that other bald-headed one who calls up
spirits with him, ordered him to sit down and take the place of
Kaptchítch!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. You don't say so!
SERVANTS' COOK. Yes, Jacob told Tánya.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Extraordinary!
[Enter COACHMAN.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What do you want?
COACHMAN (to THEODORE IVÁNITCH). You may just tell them I never agreed
to live with a lot of dogs! Let any one who likes do it, but I will
never agree to live among dogs!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What dogs?
COACHMAN. Three dogs have been sent into our room by Vasíly
Leoníditch! They've messed it all over. They're whining, and if one
comes near them they bite--the devils! They'd tear you to pieces if
you didn't mind. I've a good mind to take a club and smash their legs
for them!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But when did they come?
COACHMAN. Why, to-day, from the Dog Show; the devil knows what kind
they are, but they're an expensive sort. Are we or the dogs to live in
the coachmen's quarters? You just go and ask!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, that will never do. I'll go and ask about it.
COACHMAN. They'd better be brought here to Loukérya.
SERVANTS' COOK (angrily). People have to eat here, and you'd like to
lock dogs in here! As it is....
COACHMAN. And I've got the liveries, and the sledge-covers and the
harness there, and they expect things kept clean! Perhaps the porter's
lodge might do.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I must ask Vasíly Leoníditch.
COACHMAN (angrily). He'd better hang the brutes round his neck and lug
them about with him! But no fear: he'd rather ride on horseback
himself. It's he as spoilt. Beauty without rhyme or reason. That was a
horse!... Oh, dear! what a life!
[Exit, slamming door.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. That's not right! Certainly not right! (To
PEASANTS.) Well, then, it's time we were saying good-bye, friends.
PEASANTS. Good-bye!
[Exit THEODORE IVÁNITCH.
[As soon as he is gone a sound of groaning is heard from the top
of the oven.
SECOND PEASANT. He's sleek, that one; looks like a general.
SERVANTS' COOK. Rather! Why he has a room all to himself; he gets his
washing, his tea and sugar, and food from the master's table.
DISCHARGED COOK (on the oven). Why shouldn't the old beggar live well?
He's lined his pockets all right!
SECOND PEASANT. Who's that up there, on the oven?
SERVANTS' COOK. Oh, it's only a man.
[Silence.
FIRST PEASANT. Well, and you, too, as I noticed a while since when you
were supping, have capital food to eat.
SERVANTS' COOK. We can't complain. She's not mean about the food. We
have wheat bread every Sunday, and fish when a holiday happens to be a
fast-day, too, and those who like may eat meat.
SECOND PEASANT. And does any one tuck into flesh on fast-days?
SERVANTS' COOK. Oh, they nearly all do! Only the old coachman--not the
one who was here just now but the old one--and Simon, and I and the
housekeeper, fast--all the others eat meat.
SECOND PEASANT. And the master himself?
SERVANTS' COOK. Catch him! Why, I bet he's forgotten there is such a
thing as fasting!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!
FIRST PEASANT. That's the gentlefolks' way: they have got it all out
of their books. 'Cos of their intelex!
THIRD PEASANT. Shouldn't wonder if they feed on wheat bread every day!
SERVANTS' COOK. Wheat bread, indeed! Much they think of wheat bread!
You should see what food they eat. No end of different things!
FIRST PEASANT. In course gentlefolks' food is of an airial kind.
SERVANTS' COOK. Airial, of course, but all the same they're good at
stuffing themselves, they are!
FIRST PEASANT. Have healthy appekites, so to say.
SERVANTS' COOK. 'Cos they always rinse it down! All with sweet wines,
and spirits, and fizzy liquors. They have a different one to suit
every kind of food. They eat and rinse it down, and eat and rinse it
down, they do.
FIRST PEASANT. And so the food's floated down in proportion, so to
say.
SERVANTS' COOK. Ah, yes, they are good at stuffing! It's awful! You
see, it's not just sitting down, eating, then saying grace and going
away--they're always at it!
SECOND PEASANT. Like pigs with their feet in the trough!
[Peasants laugh.
SERVANTS' COOK. As soon as, by God's grace, they have opened their
eyes, the samovár is brought in--tea, coffee, chocolate. Hardly is the
second samovár emptied, a third has to be set. Then lunch, then
dinner, then again coffee. They've hardly left off, then comes tea,
and all sorts of tit-bits and sweetmeats--there's never an end to it!
They even lie in bed and eat!
THIRD PEASANT. There now; that's good.
[Laughs.
FIRST AND SECOND PEASANTS. What are you about?
THIRD PEASANT. If I could only live a single day like that!
SECOND PEASANT. But when do they do their work?
SERVANTS' COOK. Work indeed! What is their work? Cards and piano--
that's all their work. The young lady used to sit down to the piano as
soon as she opened her eyes, and off she'd go! And that other one who
lives here, the teacher, stands and waits. "When will the piano be
free?" When one has finished, off rattles the other, and sometimes
they'd put two pianos near one another and four of 'em would bust out
at once. Bust out in such a manner, you could hear 'em down here!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!
SERVANTS' COOK. Well, and that's all the work they do! Piano or cards!
As soon as they have met together--cards, wine, smoking, and so on,
all night long. And as soon as they are up: eating again!
[Enter SIMON.
SIMON. Hope you're enjoying your tea!
FIRST PEASANT. Come and join us.
SIMON. (comes up to the table). Thank you kindly.
[First PEASANT pours out a cup of tea for him.
SECOND PEASANT. Where have you been?
SIMON. Upstairs.
SECOND PEASANT. Well, and what was being done there?
SIMON. Why, I couldn't make it out at all! I don't know how to explain
it.
SECOND PEASANT. But what was it?
SIMON. I can't explain it. They have been trying some kind of strength
in me. I can't make it out. Tánya says, "Do it, and we'll get the land
for our peasants; he'll sell it them."
SECOND PEASANT. But how is she going to manage it?
SIMON. I can't make it out, and she won't say. She says, "Do as I tell
you," and that's all.
SECOND PEASANT. But what is it you have to do?
SIMON. Nothing just now. They made me sit down, put out the lights and
told me to sleep. And Tánya had hidden herself there. They didn't see
her, but I did.
SECOND PEASANT. Why? What for?
SIMON. The Lord only knows--I can't make it out.
FIRST PEASANT. Naturally, it is for the distraction of time.
SECOND PEASANT. Well, it's clear you and I can make nothing of it. You
had better tell me whether you have taken all your wages yet.
SIMON. No, I've not drawn any. I have twenty-eight roubles to the
good, I think.
SECOND PEASANT. That's all right! Well, if God grants that we get the
land, I'll take you home, Simon.
SIMON. With all my heart!
SECOND PEASANT. You've got spoilt, I should say. You'll not want to
plough?
SIMON. Plough? Only give me the chance! Plough or mow,--I'm game.
Those are things one doesn't forget.
FIRST PEASANT. But it don't seem very desirous after town life, for
example? Eh!
SIMON. It's good enough for me. One can live in the country, too.
FIRST PEASANT. And Daddy Mítry here is already on the look-out for
your place; he's hankering after a life of luckshury!
SIMON. Eh, Daddy Mítry, you'd soon get sick of it. It seems easy
enough when one looks at it, but there's a lot of running about that
takes it out of one.
SERVANTS' COOK. You should see one of their balls, Daddy Mítry, then
you would be surprised!
THIRD PEASANT. Why, do they eat all the time?
SERVANTS' COOK. My eye! You should have seen what we had here awhile
ago. Theodore Ivánitch took me upstairs and I peeped in. The ladies--
awful! Dressed up! Dressed up, bless my heart, and all bare down to
here, and their arms bare.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!
SECOND PEASANT. Faugh! How beastly!
FIRST PEASANT. I take it the climate allows of that sort of thing!
SERVANTS' COOK. Well, daddy, so I peeped in. Dear me, what it was
like! All of 'em in their natural skins! Would you believe it: old
women--our mistress, only think, she's a grandmother, and even she'd
gone and bared her shoulders.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!
SERVANTS' COOK. And what next? The music strikes up, and each man of
'em went up to his own, catches hold of her, and off they go twirling
round and round!
SECOND PEASANT. The old women, too?
SERVANTS' COOK. Yes, the old ones, too.
SIMON. No, the old ones sit still.
SERVANTS' COOK. Get along,--I've seen it myself!
SIMON. No, they don't.
DISCHARGED COOK (in a hoarse voice, looking down from the oven).
That's the Polka-Mazurka. You fools don't understand what dancing is.
The way they dance....
SERVANTS' COOK. Shut up, you dancer! And keep quiet--there's some one
coming.
[Enter GREGORY; old COOK hides hurriedly.
GREGORY (to SERVANTS' COOK). Bring some sour cabbage.
SERVANTS' COOK. I am only just up from the cellar, and now I must go
down again! Who is it for?
GREGORY. For the young ladies. Be quick, and send it up with Simon. I
can't wait!
SERVANTS' COOK. There now, they tuck into sweetmeats till they are
full up, and then they crave for sour cabbage!
FIRST PEASANT. That's to make a clearance.
SERVANTS' COOK. Of course, and as soon as there is room inside, they
begin again!
[Takes basin, and exit.
GREGORY (at PEASANTS). Look at them, how they've established
themselves down here! Mind, if the mistress finds it out she'll give
it you hot, like she did this morning!
[Exit, laughing.
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it, she did raise a storm that time--awful!
SECOND PEASANT. That time it looked as if the master was going to step
in, but seeing that the missus was about to blow the very roof off the
house, he slams the door. Have your own way, thinks he.
THIRD PEASANT (waving his arm). It's the same everywhere. My old
woman, let's say, she kicks up such a rumpus sometimes--it's just
awful! Then I just get out of the hut. Let her go to Jericho! She'll
give you one with the poker if you don't mind. Oh, Lord!
[JACOB enters hurriedly with a prescription.
JACOB. Here, Simon, you run to the chemist's and get these powders for
the mistress!
SIMON. But master told me not to go out.
JACOB. You've plenty of time; your business won't begin till after
their tea. Hope you are enjoying your tea!
FIRST PEASANT. Thanks, come and join us.
[Exit SIMON.
JACOB. I haven't time. However, I'll just have one cup for company's
sake.
FIRST PEASANT. And we've just been having a conversation as to how
your mistress carried on so haughty this morning.
JACOB. Oh, she's a reg'lar fury! So hot-tempered, that she gets quite
beside herself. Sometimes she even bursts out crying.
FIRST PEASANT. Now, there's a thing I wanted to ask you about. What,
for example, be these mikerots she was illuding to erewhile? "They've
infested the house with mikerots, with mikerots," she says. What is
one to make of these same mikerots?
JACOB. Mikerogues, you mean! Well, it seems there is such a kind of
bugs; all illnesses come from them, they say. So she says there are
some of 'em on you. After you were gone, they washed and washed and
sprinkled the place where you had stood. There's a kind of physic as
kills these same bugs, they say. Second Peasant. Then where have we
got these bugs on us?
JACOB (drinking his tea). Why, they say they're so small that one
can't see 'em even through a glass.
SECOND PEASANT. Then how does she know I've got 'em on me? Perhaps
there's more of that muck on her than on me!
JACOB. There now, you go and ask her!
SECOND PEASANT. I believe it's humbug.
JACOB. Of course it's bosh. The doctors must invent something, or else
what are they paid for? There's one comes to us every day. Comes,--
talks a bit,--and pockets ten roubles!
SECOND PEASANT. Nonsense!
JACOB. Why, there's one as takes a hundred!
FIRST PEASANT. A hundred? Humbug!
JACOB. A hundred. Humbug, you say? Why, if he has to go out of town,
he'll not do it for less than a thousand! "Give a thousand," he says,
"or else you may kick the bucket for what I care!"
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord!
SECOND PEASANT. Then does he know some charm?
JACOB. I suppose he must. I served at a General's outside Moscow once:
a cross, terrible proud old fellow he was--just awful. Well, this
General's daughter fell ill. They send for that doctor at once. "A
thousand roubles, then I'll come." Well, they agreed, and he came.
Then they did something or other he didn't like, and he bawled out at
the General and says, "Is this the way you show your respect for me?
Then I'll not attend her!" And, oh, my! The old General forgot all his
pride, and starts wheedling him in every way not to chuck up the job!
FIRST PEASANT. And he got the thousand?
JACOB. Of course!
SECOND PEASANT. That's easy got money. What wouldn't a peasant do with
such a sum!
THIRD PEASANT. And I think it's all bosh. That time my foot was
festering I had it doctored ever so long. I spent nigh on five roubles
on it,--then I gave up doctoring, and it got all right!
[DISCHARGED COOK on the oven coughs.
JACOB. Ah, the old crony is here again!
FIRST PEASANT. Who might that man be?
JACOB. He used to be our master's cook. He comes to see Loukérya.
FIRST PEASANT. Kitchen-master, as one might say. Then, does he live
here?
JACOB. No, they won't allow that. He's here one day, there another. If
he's got a copper he goes to a dosshouse; but when he has drunk all,
he comes here.
SECOND PEASANT. How did he come to this?
JACOB. Simply grew weak. And what a man he used to be--like a
gentleman! Went about with a gold watch; got forty roubles a month
wages. And now look at him! He'd have starved to death long ago if it
hadn't been for Loukérya.
[Enter SERVANTS' COOK with the sour cabbage.
JACOB (to SERVANTS' COOK). I see you've got Paul Petróvitch here
again?
SERVANTS' COOK. And where's he to go to? Is he to go and freeze?
THIRD PEASANT. What liquor does.... Liquor, let's say....
[Clicks his tongue sympathetically.
SECOND PEASANT. Of course. A firm man's firm as a rock; a weak man's
weaker than water.
DISCHARGED COOK (gets off the oven with trembling hands and legs).
Loukérya, I say, give us a drop!
SERVANTS' COOK. What are you up to? I'll give you such a drop!...
DISCHARGED COOK. Have you no conscience? I'm dying! Brothers, a
copper....
SERVANTS' COOK. Get back on the oven, I tell you!
DISCHARGED COOK. Half a glass only, cook, for Heaven's sake! I say, do
you understand? I ask you in the name of Heaven, now!
SERVANTS' COOK. Come along, here's some tea for you.
DISCHARGED COOK. Tea; what is tea? Weak, sloppy stuff. A little vódka
--just one little drop.... Loukérya!
THIRD PEASANT. Poor old soul, what agony it is!
SECOND PEASANT. You'd better give him some.
SERVANTS' COOK (gets out a bottle and fills a wine-glass). Here you
are; you'll get no more.
DISCHARGED COOK (clutches hold of it and drinks, trembling all over).
Loukérya, Cook! I am drinking, and you must understand....
SERVANTS' COOK. Now, then, stop your chatter! Get on to the oven, and
let not a breath of you be heard!
[The old COOK meekly begins to climb up, muttering something to
himself.
SECOND PEASANT. What it is, when a man gives way to his weakness!
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it--human weakness.
THIRD PEASANT. That goes without saying.
[The DISCHARGED COOK settles down, muttering all the time.
[Silence.
SECOND PEASANT. I want to ask you something: that girl of Aksínya's as
comes from our village and is living here. How is she? What is she
like? How is she living--I mean, does she live honest?
JACOB. She's a nice girl; one can say nothing but good of her.
SERVANTS' COOK. I'll tell you straight, daddy; I know this here
establishment out and out, and if you mean to have Tánya for your
son's wife--be quick about it, before she comes to grief, or else
she'll not escape!
JACOB. Yes, that's true. A while ago we had a girl here, Nataly. She
was a good girl too. And she was lost without rhyme or reason. No
better than that chap!
[Pointing to the old COOK.
SERVANTS' COOK. There's enough to dam a mill-pool, with the likes of
us, as perish! 'Cos why, every one is tempted by the easy life and the
good food. And see there,--as soon as one has tasted the good food she
goes and slips. And once she's slipped, they don't want her, but get a
fresh one in her place. So it was with dear little Nataly; she also
slipped, and they turned her out. She had a child and fell ill, and
died in the hospital last spring. And what a girl she used to be!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh, Lord! People are weak; they ought to be pitied.
DISCHARGED COOK. Those devils pity? No fear! (He hangs his legs down
from the oven.) I have stood roasting myself by the kitchen range for
thirty years, and now that I am not wanted, I may go and die like a
dog.... Pity indeed!...
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. It's the old circumstances.
SECOND PEASANT. While they drank and they fed, you were "curly head."
When they'd finished the prog, 'twas "Get out, mangy dog!"
THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord!
DISCHARGED COOK. Much you know. What is "Sautey a la Bongmont"? What
is "Bavassary"? Oh, the things I could make! Think of it! The Emperor
tasted my work, and now the devils want me no longer. But I am not
going to stand it!
SERVANTS' COOK. Now, then, stop that noise, mind.... Get up right into
the corner, so that no one can see you, or else Theodore Ivánitch or
some one may come in, and both you and me'll be turned out!
[Silence.
JACOB. And do you know my part of the country? I'm from Voznesénsky.
SECOND PEASANT. Not know it? Why, it's no more'n ten miles from our
village; not that across the ford! Do you cultivate any land there?
JACOB. My brother does, and I send my wages. Though I live here, I am
dying for a sight of home.
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it.
SECOND PEASANT. Then Anísim is your brother?
JACOB. Own brother. He lives at the farther end of the village.
SECOND PEASANT. Of course, I know; his is the third house.
[Enter TÁNYA, running.
TÁNYA. Jacob, what are you doing, amusing yourself here? She is
calling you!
JACOB. I'm coming; but what's up?
TÁNYA. Frisk is barking; it's hungry. And she's scolding you. "How
cruel he is," she says. "He's no feeling," she says. "It's long past
Frisk's dinner-time, and he has not brought her food!"
[Laughs.
JACOB (rises to go). Oh, she's cross? What's going to happen now, I
wonder?
SERVANTS' COOK. Here, take the cabbage with you.
JACOB. All right, give it here.
[Takes basin, and exit.
FIRST PEASANT. Who is going to dine now?
TÁNYA. Why, the dog! It's her dog. (Sits down and takes up the
tea-pot.) Is there any more tea? I've brought some.
[Puts fresh tea into the tea-pot.
FIRST PEASANT. Dinner for a dog?
TÁNYA. Yes, of course! They prepare a special cutlet for her; it must
not be too fat. And I do the washing--the dog's washing, I mean.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord!
TÁNYA. It's like that gentleman who had a funeral for his dog.
SECOND PEASANT. What's that?
TÁNYA. Why, some one told me he had a dog--I mean the gentleman had a
dog. And it died. It was winter, and he went in his sledge to bury
that dog. Well, he buried it, and on the way home he sits and cries--
the gentleman does. Well, there was such a bitter frost that the
coachman's nose keeps running, and he has to keep wiping it. Let me
fill your cup! (Fills it.) So he keeps wiping his nose, and the
gentleman sees it, and says, "What are you crying about?" And the
coachman, he says, "Why, sir, how can I help it; is there another dog
like him?"
[Laughs.
SECOND PEASANT. And I daresay he thinks to himself, "If your own self
was to kick the bucket I'd not cry."
[Laughs.
DISCHARGED COOK (from up on the oven). That is true; that's right!
TÁNYA. Well, the gentleman, he gets home and goes straight to his
lady: "What a good-hearted man our coachman is; he was crying all the
way home about poor Dash. Have him called.... Here, drink this glass
of vódka," he says, "and here's a rouble as a reward for you." That's
just like her saying Jacob has no feelings for her dog!
[The PEASANTS laugh.
FIRST PEASANT. That's the style!
SECOND PEASANT. That was a go!
THIRD PEASANT. Aye, lassie, but you've set us a-laughing!
TÁNYA (pouring out more tea). Have some more! Yes, it only seems that
our life is pleasant; but sometimes it is very disgusting,--clearing
up all their messes! Faugh! It's better in the country. (PEASANTS turn
their cups upside-down, as a polite sign that they have had enough.
TÁNYA pours out more tea.) Have some more, Efím Antónitch. I'll fill
your cup, Mítry Vlásitch.
THIRD PEASANT. All right, fill it, fill it.
FIRST PEASANT. Well, dear, and what progression is our business
making?
TÁNYA. It's getting on....
FIRST PEASANT. Simon told us....
TÁNYA. (quickly). Did he?
SECOND PEASANT. But he could not make us understand.
TÁNYA. I can't tell you now, but I'm doing my best--all I can! And
I've got your paper here! (Shows the paper hidden under the bib of her
apron.) If only one thing succeeds ... (Shrieks.) Oh, how nice it
would be!
SECOND PEASANT. Don't lose that paper, mind. It has cost money.
TÁNYA. Never fear. You only want him to sign it? Is that all?
THIRD PEASANT. Why, what else? Let's say he's signed it, and it's
done! (Turns his cup upside-down.) I've had enough.
TÁNYA (aside). He'll sign it; you'll see he will.... Have some more.
[Pours out tea.
FIRST PEASANT. If only you get this business about the sale of the
land settled, the Commune would pay your marriage expenses.
[Refuses the tea.
TÁNYA (pouring out tea). Do have another cup.
THIRD PEASANT. You get it done, and we'll arrange your marriage, and I
myself, let's say, will dance at the wedding. Though I've never danced
in all my born days, I'll dance then!
TÁNYA (laughing). All right, I'll be in hopes of it.
[Silence.
SECOND PEASANT (examines TÁNYA). That's all very well, but you're not
fit for peasant work.
TÁNYA. Who? I? Why, don't you think me strong enough? You should see
me lacing up my mistress. There's many a peasant couldn't tug as hard.
SECOND PEASANT. Where do you tug her to?
TÁNYA. Well, there's a thing made with bone, like--something like a
stiff jacket, only up to here! Well, and I pull the strings just as
when you saddle a horse--when you ... what d'ye call it? You know,
when you spit on your hands!
SECOND PEASANT. Tighten the girths, you mean.
TÁNYA. Yes, yes, that's it. And you know I mustn't shove against her
with my knee.
[Laughs.
SECOND PEASANT. Why do you pull her in?
TÁNYA. For a reason!
SECOND PEASANT. Why, is she doing penance?
TÁNYA. No, it's for beauty's sake!
FIRST PEASANT. That's to say, you pull in her paunch for appearance'
sake.
TÁNYA. Sometimes I lace her up so that her eyes are ready to start
from her head, and she says, "Tighter," till my hands tingle. And you
say I'm not strong!
[PEASANTS laugh and shake their heads.
TÁNYA. But here, I've been jabbering.
[Runs away, laughing.
THIRD PEASANT. Ah, the lassie has made us laugh!
FIRST PEASANT. She's a tidy one!
SECOND PEASANT. She's not bad.
[Enter SAHÁTOF and VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. SAHÁTOF holds a teaspoon in
his hand.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Not exactly a dinner, but a déjeuner dinatoire. And
first-rate it was, I tell you. Ham of sucking-pig, delicious! Roulier
feeds one splendidly! I've only just returned. (Sees PEASANTS.) Ah,
the peasants are here again!
SAHÁTOF. Yes, yes, that's all very well, but we came here to hide this
article. Where shall we hide it?
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Excuse me a moment. (To SERVANTS' COOK.) Where are
the dogs?
SERVANTS' COOK. In the coachman's quarters. You can't keep dogs in the
servants' kitchen!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Ah, in the coachman's quarters? All right.
SAHÁTOF. I am waiting.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Excuse me, please. Eh, what? Hide it? I'll tell you
what. Let's put it into one of the peasants' pockets. That one. I say,
where's your pocket? Eh, what?
THIRD PEASANT. What for d'ye want my pocket? You're a good 'un! My
pocket! There's money in my pocket!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Where's your bag, then?
THIRD PEASANT. What for?
SERVANTS' COOK. What d'you mean? That's the young master!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH (laughs. To SAHÁTOF). D'you know why he's so
frightened? Shall I tell you? He's got a heap of money. Eh, what?
SAHÁTOF. Yes, yes, I see. Well, you talk to them a bit, and I'll put
it into that bag without being observed, so that they should not
notice and could not point it out to him. Talk to them.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. All right! (To PEASANTS.) Well then, old fellows,
how about the land? Are you buying it? Eh, what?
FIRST PEASANT. We have made an offering, so to say, with our whole
heart. But there,--the business don't come into action nohow.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. You should not be so stingy! Land is an important
matter! I told you about planting mint. Or else tobacco would also do.
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. Every kind of producks.
THIRD PEASANT. And you help us, master. Ask your father. Or else how
are we to live? There's so little land. A fowl, let's say, there's not
enough room for a fowl to run about.
SAHÁTOF (having put the spoon into a bag belonging to the THIRD
PEASANT). C'est fait. Ready. Come along.
[Exit.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. So don't be stingy! Eh? Well, good-bye.
[Exit.
THIRD PEASANT. Didn't I say, come to some lodging-house? Well,
supposing we'd had to give three-pence each, then at least we'd have
been in peace. As to here, the Lord be merciful! "Give us the money,"
he says. What's that for?
SECOND PEASANT. He's drunk, I daresay.
[PEASANTS turn their cups upside-down, rise, and cross themselves.
FIRST PEASANT. And d'you mind what a saying he threw out? Sowing mint!
One must know how to understand them, that one must!
SECOND PEASANT. Sow mint indeed! He'd better bend his own back at that
work, and then it's not mint he'll hanker after, no fear! Well, many
thanks!... And now, good woman, would you tell us where we could lie
down to sleep?
SERVANTS' COOK. One of you can lie on the oven, and the others on
these benches.
THIRD PEASANT. Christ save you!
[Prays, crossing himself.
FIRST PEASANT. If only by God's help we get our business settled!
(Lies down.) Then to-morrow, after dinner, we'd be off by the train,
and on Tuesday we'd be home again.
SECOND PEASANT. Are you going to put out the light?
SERVANTS' COOK. Put it out? Oh, no! They'll keep running down here,
first for one thing then another.... You lie down, I'll lower it.
SECOND PEASANT. How is one to live, having so little land? Why, this
year, I have had to buy corn since Christmas. And the oat-straw is all
used up. I'd like to get hold of ten acres, and then I could take
Simon back.
THIRD PEASANT. You're a man with a family. You'd get the land
cultivated without trouble. If only the business comes off.
SECOND PEASANT. We must pray to the Holy Virgin, maybe she'll help us
out. (Silence, broken by sighs. Then footsteps and voices are heard
outside. The door opens. Enter GROSSMAN hurriedly, with his eyes
bandaged, holding SAHÁTOF'S hand, and followed by the PROFESSOR and
the DOCTOR, the FAT LADY and LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH, BETSY and PETRÍSTCHEF,
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH and MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA, ANNA PÁVLOVNA and the
BARONESS, THEODORE IVÁNITCH and TÁNYA.)
[PEASANTS jump up. GROSSMAN comes forward stepping quickly, then
stops.
FAT LADY. You need not trouble yourselves; I have undertaken the task
of observing, and am strictly fulfilling my duty! Mr. Sahátof, are you
not leading him?
SAHÁTOF. Of course not!
FAT LADY. You must not lead him, but neither must you resist! (To
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.) I know these experiments. I have tried them
myself. Sometimes I used to feel a certain effluence, and as soon as I
felt it....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. May I beg of you to keep perfect silence?
FAT LADY. Oh, I understand so well! I have experienced it myself. As
soon as my attention was diverted I could no longer....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Sh...!
[GROSSMAN goes about, searches near the FIRST and SECOND
PEASANTS, then approaches the THIRD, and stumbles over a bench.
BARONESS. Mais dites-moi, on le paye?[6]
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Je ne saurais vous dire.
BARONESS. Mais c'est un monsieur?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Oh, oui!
BARONESS. Ça tient du miraculeux. N'est ce pas? Comment est-ce qu'il
trouve?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Je ne saurais vous dire. Mon mari vous l'expliquera.
(Noticing PEASANTS, turns round, and sees the SERVANTS' COOK.) Pardon
... what is this?
[BARONESS goes up to the group.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. (to SERVANTS' COOK). Who let the peasants in?
SERVANTS' COOK. Jacob brought them in.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Who gave Jacob the order?
SERVANTS' COOK. I can't say. Theodore Ivánitch has seen them.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Leoníd!
[LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH does not hear, being absorbed in the search,
and says, Sh....
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Theodore Ivánitch! What is the meaning of this? Did you
not see me disinfecting the whole hall, and now the whole kitchen is
infected, all the rye bread, the milk....
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I thought there would not be any danger if they
came here. The men have come on business. They have far to go, and are
from our village.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. That's the worst of it! They are from the Koursk
village, where people are dying of diphtheria like flies! But the
chief thing is, I ordered them out of the house!... Did I, or did I
not? (Approaches the others that have gathered round the PEASANTS.) Be
careful! Don't touch them--they are all infected with diphtheria!
[No one heeds her, and she steps aside in a dignified manner and
stands quietly waiting.
PETRÍSTCHEF (sniffs loudly). I don't know if it is diphtheria, but
there is some kind of infection in the air. Don't you notice it?
BETSY. Stop your nonsense! Vovo, which bag is it in?
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. That one, that one. He is getting near, very near!
PETRÍSTCHEF. Is it spirits divine, or spirits of wine?
BETSY. Now your cigarette comes in handy for once. Smoke closer,
closer to me.
[PETRÍSTCHEF leans over her and smokes at her.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. He's getting near, I tell you. Eh, what?
GROSSMAN (searches excitedly round the THIRD PEASANT). It is here; I
feel it is!
FAT LADY. Do you feel an effluence?
[GROSSMAN stoops and finds the spoon in the bag.
ALL. Bravo!
[General enthusiasm.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Ah! So that's where our spoon was. (To PEASANTS.)
Then that's the sort you are!
THIRD PEASANT. What sort? I didn't take your spoon! What are you
making out? I didn't take it, and my soul knows nothing about it. I
didn't take it--there! Let him do what he likes. I knew he came here
for no good. "Where's your bag?" says he. I didn't take it, the Lord
is my witness! (Crosses himself.) I didn't take it!
[The young people group round the PEASANT, laughing.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (angrily to his son). Always playing the fool! (To
the THIRD PEASANT.) Never mind, friend! We know you did not take it;
it was only an experiment.
GROSSMAN (removes bandage from his eyes, and pretends to be coming
to). Can I have a little water?
[All fuss round him.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Let's go straight from here into the coachman's
room. I've got a bitch there--épâtante![7]
BETSY. What a horrid word! Couldn't you say dog?
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. No. I can't say--Betsy is a man, épâtante. I should
have to say young woman; it's a parallel case. Eh, what? Márya
Konstantínovna, isn't it true? Good, eh?
[Laughs loudly.
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. Well, let us go.
[Exeunt MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA, BETSY, PETRÍSTCHEF, and VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH.
FAT LADY (to GROSSMAN). Well? how are you? Have you rested? (GROSSMAN
does not answer. To SAHÁTOF.) And you, Mr. Sahátof, did you feel the
effluence?
SAHÁTOF. I felt nothing. Yes, it was very fine--very fine. Quite a
success!
BARONESS.--Admirable! Ça ne le fait pas souffrir? [8]
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Pas le moins du monde.
PROFESSOR (to GROSSMAN). May I trouble you? (Hands him a thermometer.)
At the beginning of the experiment it was 37 decimal 2 degrees. [9]
(To DOCTOR.) That's right, I think? Would you mind feeling his pulse?
Some loss is inevitable.
DOCTOR (to GROSSMAN). Now then, sir, let's have your hand; we'll see,
we'll see.
[Takes out his watch and feels GROSSMAN'S pulse.
FAT LADY (to GROSSMAN). One moment! The condition you were in could
not be called sleep?
GROSSMAN (wearily). It was hypnosis.
SAHÁTOF. In that case, are we to understand that you hypnotised
yourself?
GROSSMAN. And why not? An hypnotic state may ensue not only in
consequence of association--the sound of the tom-tom, for instance, in
Charcot's method--but by merely entering an hypnogenetic zone.
SAHÁTOF. Granting that, it would still be desirable to define what
hypnotism is, more exactly?
PROFESSOR. Hypnotism is a phenomenon resulting from the transmutation
of one energy into another.
GROSSMAN. Charcot does not so define it.
SAHÁTOF. A moment, just a moment! That is your definition, but
Liébault told me himself....
DOCTOR (lets go of GROSSMAN'S pulse). Ah, that's all right; well, now,
the temperature?
FAT LADY (interrupting). No, allow me! I agree with the Professor. And
here's the very best proof. After my illness, when I lay insensible, a
desire to speak came over me. In general I am of a silent disposition,
but then I was overcome by this desire to speak, and I spoke and
spoke, and I was told that I spoke in such a way that every one was
astonished! (To SAHÁTOF.) But I think I interrupted you?
SAHÁTOF (with dignity). Not at all. Pray continue.
DOCTOR. Pulse 82, and the temperature has risen three-tenths of a
degree.
PROFESSOR. There you are! That's a proof! That's just as it should be.
(Takes out pocket-book and writes.) 82, yes? And 37 and 5. When the
hypnotic state is induced, it invariably produces a heightened action
of the heart.
DOCTOR. I can, as a medical man, bear witness that your prognosis was
justified by the event.
PROFESSOR (to SAHÁTOF). You were saying?...
SAHÁTOF. I wished to say that Liébault told me himself that the
hypnotic is only one particular psychical state, increasing
susceptibility to suggestion.
PROFESSOR. That is so, but still the law of equivalents is the chief
thing.
GROSSMAN. Moreover, Liébault is far from being an authority, while
Charcot has studied the subject from all sides, and has proved that
hypnotism produced by a blow, a trauma....
[All talking together--
SAHÁTOF. Yes, but I don't reject Charcot's labor. I know him
also, I am only repeating what Liébault told me...
GROSSMAN (excitedly). There are 3000 patients together in the
Salpêtrière, and I have gone through the whole course.
PROFESSOR. Excuse me, gentlemen, but that is not the point.
FAT LADY (interrupting). One moment, I will explain it to you in two
words. When my husband was ill, all the doctors gave him up....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. However, we had better go upstairs again. Baroness,
this way!
[Exeunt GROSSMAN, SAHÁTOF, PROFESSOR, DOCTOR, the FAT LADY, and
BARONESS, talking loudly and interrupting each other.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA (catching hold of LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH'S arm). How often
have I asked you not to interfere in household matters! You think of
nothing but your nonsense, and the whole house is on my shoulders. You
will infect us all!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What? How? I don't understand what you mean.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. How? Why, people ill of diphtheria sleep in the
kitchen, which is in constant communication with the whole house.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, but I....
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What, I?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I know nothing about it.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. It's your duty to know, if you are the head of the
family. Such things must not be done.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But I never thought.... I thought....
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. It is sickening to listen to you!
[LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH remains silent.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA (to THEODORE IVÁNITCH). Turn them out at once! They are
to leave my kitchen immediately! It is terrible! No one listens to me;
they do it out of spite.... I turn them out from there, and they bring
them in here! And with my illness.... (Gets more and more excited, and
at last begins to cry.) Doctor! Doctor! Peter Petróvitch!... He's gone
too!...
[Exit, sobbing, followed by LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.
[All stand silent for a long time.
THIRD PEASANT. Botheration take them all! If one don't mind, the
police will be after one here. And I have never been to law in all my
born days. Let's go to some lodging-house, lads!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. (to TÁNYA). What are we to do?
TÁNYA. Never mind, Theodore Ivánitch, let them sleep with the
coachman.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. How can we do that? The coachman was complaining as
it is, that his place is full of dogs.
TÁNYA. Well, then, the porter's lodge.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And supposing it's found out?
TÁNYA. It won't be found out! Don't trouble about that, Theodore
Ivánitch. How can one turn them out now, at night? They'll not find
anywhere to go to.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, do as you please. Only they must go away from
here.
[Exit.
[PEASANTS take their bags.
DISCHARGED COOK. Oh those damned fiends! It's all their fat! Fiends!
SERVANTS' COOK. You be quiet there. Thank goodness they didn't see
you!
TÁNYA. Well then, daddy, come along to the porter's lodge.
FIRST PEASANT. Well, but how about our business? How, for example,
about the applience of his hand to the signature? May we be in hopes?
TÁNYA. We'll see in an hour's time.
SECOND PEASANT. You'll do the trick?
TÁNYA (laughs). Yes, God willing!
CURTAIN
ACT III
Evening of the same day. The small drawing-room in LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH'S
house, where the séances are always held. LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH and the
PROFESSOR.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well then, shall we risk a séance with our new
medium?
PROFESSOR. Yes, certainly. He is a powerful medium, there is no doubt
about it. And it is especially desirable that the séance should take
place to-day with the same people. Grossman will certainly respond to
the influence of the mediumistic energy, and then the connection and
identity of the different phenomena will be still more evident. You
will see then that, if the medium is as strong as he was just now,
Grossman will vibrate.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Then I will send for Simon and ask those who wish
to attend to come in.
PROFESSOR. Yes, all right! I will just jot down a few notes.
[Takes out his note-book and writes.
[Enter SAHÁTOF.
SAHÁTOF. They have just settled down to whist in Anna Pávlovna's
drawing-room, and as I am not wanted there--and as I am interested in
your séance--I have put in an appearance here. But will there be a
séance?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, certainly!
SAHÁTOF. In spite of the absence of Mr. Kaptchítch's mediumistic
powers?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Vous avez la main heureuse. [10] Fancy, that very
peasant whom I mentioned to you this morning turns out to be an
undoubted medium.
SAHÁTOF. Dear me! Yes, that is peculiarly interesting!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, we tried a few preliminary experiments with
him just after dinner.
SAHÁTOF. So you've had time already to experiment, and to convince
yourself....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, perfectly! And he turns out to be an
exceptionally powerful medium.
SAHÁTOF (incredulously). Dear me!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. It turns out that it has long been noticed in the
servants' hall. When he sits down to table, the spoon springs into his
hand of its own accord! (To the PROFESSOR.) Had you heard about it?
PROFESSOR. No, I had not heard that detail.
SAHÁTOF (to the PROFESSOR). But still, you admit the possibility of
such phenomena?
PROFESSOR. What phenomena?
SAHÁTOF. Well, spiritualistic, mediumistic, and supernatural phenomena
in general.
PROFESSOR. The question is, what do we consider supernatural? When,
not a living man but a piece of stone attracted a nail to itself, how
did the phenomena strike the first observers? As something natural? Or
supernatural?
SAHÁTOF. Well, of course; but phenomena such as the magnet attracting
iron always repeat themselves.
PROFESSOR. It is just the same in this case. The phenomenon repeats
itself and we experiment with it. And not only that, but we apply to
the phenomena we are investigating the laws common to other phenomena.
These phenomena seem supernatural only because their causes are
attributed to the medium himself. But that is where the mistake lies.
The phenomena are not caused by the medium, but by psychic energy
acting through a medium, and that is a very different thing. The whole
matter lies in the law of equivalents.
SAHÁTOF. Yes, certainly, but....
[Enter TÁNYA, who hides behind the hangings.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Only remember that we cannot reckon on any results
with certainty, with this medium any more than with Home or
Kaptchítch. We may not succeed, but on the other hand we may even have
perfect materialisation.
SAHÁTOF. Materialisation even? What do you mean by materialisation?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Why, I mean that some one who is dead--say, your
father or your grandfather--may appear, take you by the hand, or give
you something; or else some one may suddenly rise into the air, as
happened to Alexéy Vladímiritch last time.
PROFESSOR. Of course, of course. But the chief thing is the
explanation of the phenomena, and the application to them of general
laws.
[Enter the FAT LADY.
FAT LADY. Anna Pávlovna has allowed me to join you.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Very pleased.
FAT LADY. Oh, how tired Grossman seems! He could scarcely hold his
cup. Did you notice (to the PROFESSOR) how pale he turned at the
moment he approached the hiding-place? I noticed it at once, and was
the first to mention it to Anna Pávlovna.
PROFESSOR. Undoubtedly,--loss of vital energy.
FAT LADY. Yes, it's just as I say, one should not abuse that sort of
thing. You know, a hypnotist once suggested to a friend of mine, Véra
Kónshin (oh, you know her, of course)--well, he suggested that she
should leave off smoking,--and her back began to ache!
PROFESSOR (trying to have his say). The temperature and the pulse
clearly indicate....
FAT LADY. One moment! Allow me! Well, I said to her: it's better to
smoke than to suffer so with one's nerves. Of course, smoking is
injurious; I should like to give it up myself, but, do what I will, I
can't! Once I managed not to smoke for a fortnight, but could hold out
no longer.
PROFESSOR (again trying to speak). Clearly proves....
FAT LADY. Yes, no! Allow me, just one word! You say, "loss of
strength." And I was also going to say that, when I travelled with
post-horses ... the roads used to be dreadful in those days--you
don't remember--but I have noticed that all our nervousness comes from
railways! I, for instance, can't sleep while travelling; I cannot fall
asleep to save my life!
PROFESSOR (makes another attempt, which the FAT LADY baffles). The
loss of strength....
SAHÁTOF (smiling). Yes; oh yes!
[LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH rings.
FAT LADY. I am awake one night, and another, and a third, and still I
can't sleep!
[Enter GREGORY.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Please tell Theodore to get everything ready for
the séance, and send Simon here--Simon, the butler's assistant,--do
you hear?
GREGORY. Yes, sir.
[Exit.
PROFESSOR (to SAHÁTOF). The observation of the temperature and the
pulse have shown loss of vital energy. The same will happen in
consequence of the mediumistic phenomena. The law of the conservation
of energy....
FAT LADY. Oh yes, yes; I was just going to say that I am very glad
that a simple peasant turns out to be a medium. That's very good. I
always did say that the Slavophils....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Let's go into the drawing-room in the meantime.
FAT LADY. Allow me, just one word! The Slavophils are right; but I
always told my husband that one ought never to exaggerate anything!
"The golden mean," you know. What is the use of maintaining that the
common people are all perfect, when I have myself seen....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Won't you come into the drawing-room?
FAT LADY. A boy--that high--who drank! I gave him a scolding at once.
And he was grateful to me afterwards. They are children, and, as I
always say, children need both love and severity!
[Exeunt all, all talking together.
[TÁNYA enters from behind the hangings.
TÁNYA. Oh, if it would only succeed!
[Begins fastening some threads.
[Enter BETSY hurriedly.
BETSY. Isn't papa here? (Looks inquiringly at TÁNYA.) What are you
doing here?
TÁNYA. Oh, Miss Elizabeth, I have only just come; I only wished ...
only came in....
[Embarrassed.
BETSY. But they are going to have a séance here directly (Notices
TÁNYA drawing in the threads, looks at her, and suddenly bursts out
laughing.) Tánya! Why, it's you who do it all? Now don't deny it. And
last time it was you too? Yes, it was, it was!
TÁNYA. Miss Elizabeth, dearest!
BETSY (delighted). Oh, that is a joke! Well, I never. But why do you
do it?
TÁNYA. Oh miss, dear miss, don't betray me!
BETSY. Not for the world! I'm awfully glad. Only tell me how you
manage it?
TÁNYA. Well, I just hide, and then, when it's all dark, I come out and
do it. That's how.
BETSY (pointing to threads). And what is this for? You needn't tell
me. I see; you draw....
TÁNYA. Miss Elizabeth, darling! I will confess it, but only to you. I
used to do it just for fun, but now I mean business.
BETSY. What? How? What business?
TÁNYA. Well, you see, those peasants that came this morning, you saw
them. They want to buy some land, and your father won't sell it; well,
and Theodore Ivánitch, he says it's the spirits as forbid him. So I
have had a thought as....
BETSY. Oh, I see! Well, you are a clever girl! Do it, do it.... But
how will you manage it?
TÁNYA. Well, I thought, when they put out the lights, I'll at once
begin knocking and shying things about, touching their heads with the
threads, and at last I'll take the paper about the land and throw it
on the table. I've got it here.
BETSY. Well, and then?
TÁNYA. Why, don't you see? They will be astonished. The peasants had
the paper, and now it's here. I will teach....
BETSY. Why, of course! Simon is the medium to-day!
TÁNYA. Well, I'll teach him.... (Laughs so that she can't continue.)
I'll tell him to squeeze with his hands any one he can get hold of! Of
course, not your father--he'd never dare do that--but any one else;
he'll squeeze till it's signed.
BETSY (laughing). But that's not the way it is done. Mediums never do
anything themselves.
TÁNYA. Oh, never mind. It's all one; I daresay it'll turn out all
right.
[Enter THEODORE IVÁNITCH.
[Exit BETSY, making signs to TÁNYA.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Why are you here?
TÁNYA. It's you I want, Theodore Ivánitch, dear....
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, what is it?
TÁNYA. About that affair of mine as I spoke of.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH (laughs). I've made the match; yes, I've made the
match. The matter is settled; we have shaken hands on it, only not had
a drink on it.
TÁNYA (with a shriek). Never! So it's all right?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Don't I tell you so? He says, "I shall consult the
missus, and then, God willing...."
TÁNYA. Is that what he said? (Shrieks.) Dear Theodore Ivánitch, I'll
pray for you all the days of my life!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right! All right! Now is not the time. I've
been ordered to arrange the room for the séance.
TÁNYA. Let me help you. How's it to be arranged?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. How? Why, the table in the middle of the room--
chairs--the guitar--the accordion. The lamp is not wanted, only
candles.
TÁNYA (helps THEODORE IVÁNITCH to place the things). Is that right?
The guitar here, and here the inkstand. (Places it.) So?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Can it be true that they'll make Simon sit here?
TÁNYA. I suppose so; they've done it once.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Wonderful! (Puts on his pince-nez.) But is he
clean?
TÁNYA. How should I know?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Then, I'll tell you what....
TÁNYA. Yes, Theodore Ivánitch?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Go and take a nail-brush and some Pears' soap; you
may take mine ... and go and cut his claws and scrub his hands as
clean as possible.
TÁNYA. He can do it himself.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well then, tell him to. And tell him to put on a
clean shirt as well.
TÁNYA. All right, Theodore Ivánitch.
[Exit.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH (sits down in an easy-chair). They're educated and
learned--Alexéy Vladímiritch now, he's a professor--and yet sometimes
one can't help doubting very much. The people's rude superstitions are
being abolished: hobgoblins, sorcerers, witches.... But if one
considers it, is not this equally superstitious? How is it possible
that the souls of the dead should come and talk, and play the guitar?
No! Some one is fooling them, or they are fooling themselves. And as
to this business with Simon--it's simply incomprehensible. (Looks at
an album.) Here's their spiritualistic album. How is it possible to
photograph a spirit? But here is the likeness of a Turk and Leoníd
Fyódoritch sitting by.... Extraordinary human weakness!
[Enter LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Is it all ready?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH (rising leisurely). Quite ready. (Smiles.) Only I
don't know about your new medium. I hope he won't disgrace you, Leoníd
Fyódoritch.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, I and Alexéy Vladímiritch have tested him. He
is a wonderfully powerful medium!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, I don't know. But is he clean enough? I don't
suppose you have thought of ordering him to wash his hands? It might
be rather inconvenient.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. His hands? Oh yes! They're not clean, you think?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What can you expect? He's a peasant, and there will
be ladies present, and Márya Vasílevna.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. It will be all right.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And then I have something to report to you.
Timothy, the coachman, complains that he can't keep things clean
because of the dogs.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (arranging the things on the table absentmindedly).
What dogs?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. The three hounds that came for Vasíly Leoníditch
to-day.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (vexed). Tell Anna Pávlovna! She can do as she likes
about it. I have no time.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But you know her weakness....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. 'Tis just as she likes, let her do as she pleases.
As for him,--one never gets anything but unpleasantness from him.
Besides, I am busy.
[Enter SIMON, smiling; he has a sleeveless peasant's coat on.
SIMON. I was ordered to come.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, it's all right. Let me see your hands. That
will do, that will do very well! Well, then, my good fellow, you must
do just as you did before,--sit down, and give way to your mood. But
don't think at all.
SIMON. Why should I think? The more one thinks, the worse it is.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Just so, just so, exactly! The less conscious one
is, the greater is the power. Don't think, but give in to your mood.
If you wish to sleep, sleep; if you wish to walk, walk. Do you
understand?
SIMON. How could one help understanding? It's simple enough.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But above all, don't be frightened. Because you
might be surprised yourself. You must understand that just as we live
here, so a whole world of invisible spirits live here also.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH (improving on what LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH has said).
Invisible feelings, do you understand?
SIMON (laughs). How can one help understanding! It's very plain as you
put it.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. You may rise up in the air, or something of the
kind, but don't be frightened.
SIMON. Why should I be frightened? That won't matter at all.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well then, I'll go and call them all.... Is
everything ready?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I think so.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But the slates?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. They are downstairs. I'll bring them.
[Exit.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. All right then. So don't be afraid, but be at your
ease.
SIMON. Had I not better take off my coat? One would be more easy like.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Your coat? Oh no. Don't take that off.
[Exit.
SIMON. She tells me to do the same again, and she will again shy
things about. How isn't she afraid?
[Enter TÁNYA in her stockings and in a dress of the color of the
wall-paper. SIMON laughs.
TÁNYA. Shsh!... They'll hear! There, stick these matches on your
fingers as before. (Sticks them on.) Well, do you remember everything?
SIMON (bending his fingers in, one by one). First of all, wet the
matches and wave my hands about, that's one. Then make my teeth
chatter, like this ... that's two. But I've forgotten the third thing.
TÁNYA. And it's the third as is the chief thing. Don't forget as soon
as the paper falls on the table--I shall ring the little bell--then
you do like this.... Spread your arms out far and catch hold of some
one, whoever it is as sits nearest, and catch hold of him. And then
squeeze! (Laughs.) Whether it's a gentleman or a lady, it's all one,
you just squeeze 'em, and don't let 'em go,--as if it were in your
sleep, and chatter with your teeth, or else howl like this. (Howls
sotto-voce.) And when I begin to play on the guitar, then stretch
yourself as if you were waking up, you know.... Will you remember
everything?
SIMON. Yes, I'll remember, but it is too funny.
TÁNYA. But mind you don't laugh. Still, it won't matter much if you do
laugh; they'd think it was in your sleep. Only take care you don't
really fall asleep when they put out the lights.
SIMON. No fear, I'll pinch my ears.
TÁNYA. Well, then, Sim, darling, only mind do as I tell you, and don't
get frightened. He'll sign the paper, see if he don't! They're coming!
[Gets under the sofa.
[Enter GROSSMAN and the PROFESSOR, LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH and the FAT
LADY, the DOCTOR, SAHÁTOF and ANNA PÁVLOVNA. SIMON stands near
the door.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Please come in, all you doubters! Though we have a
new and accidentally discovered medium, I expect very important
phenomena to-night.
SAHÁTOF. That's very, very interesting.
FAT LADY (pointing to SIMON). Mais il est très bien! [11]
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Yes, as a butler's assistant, but hardly....
SAHÁTOF. Wives never have any faith in their husbands' work. You don't
believe in anything of this kind?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Of course not. Kaptchítch, it is true, has something
exceptional about him, but Heaven knows what all this is about!
FAT LADY. No, Anna Pávlovna, permit me, you can't decide it in such a
way. Before I was married, I once had a remarkable dream. Dreams, you
know, are often such that you don't know where they begin and where
they end; it was just such a dream that I....
[Enter VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH and PETRÍSTCHEF.
FAT LADY. And much was revealed to me by that dream. Nowadays the
young people (points to PETRÍSTCHEF and VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH) deny
everything.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. But look here, you know--now I, for instance, never
deny anything! Eh, what?
[BETSY and MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA enter, and begin talking to
PETRÍSTCHEF.
FAT LADY. And how can one deny the supernatural? They say it is
unreasonable. But what if one's reason is stupid; what then? There
now, on Garden Street, you know ... why, well, it appeared every
evening! My husband's brother--what do you call him? Not beau-frère--
what's the other name for it?--I never can remember the names of these
different relationships--well, he went there three nights running, and
still he saw nothing; so I said to him....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, who is going to stay here?
FAT LADY. I! I!
SAHÁTOF. I.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA (to DOCTOR). Do you mean to say you are going to stay?
DOCTOR. Yes; I must see, if only once, what it is that Alexéy
Vladímiritch has discovered in it. How can we deny anything without
proof?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Then I am to take it to-night for certain?
DOCTOR. Take what?... Oh, the powder. Yes, it would perhaps be better.
Yes, yes, take it.... However, I shall come upstairs again.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Yes, please do. (Loud.) When it is over, mesdames et
messieurs, I shall expect you to come to me upstairs to rest from your
emotions, and then we will finish our rubber.
FAT LADY. Oh, certainly.
SAHÁTOF. Yes, thanks!
[Exit ANNA PÁVLOVNA.
BETSY (to PETRÍSTCHEF). You must stay, I tell you. I promise you
something extraordinary. Will you bet?
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But you don't believe in it?
BETSY. To-day I do.
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA (to PETRÍSTCHEF). And do you believe?
PETRÍSTCHEF. "I can't believe, I cannot trust a heart for falsehood
framed." Still, if Elizabeth Leonídovna commands....
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Let us stay, Márya Konstantínovna. Eh, what? I
shall invent something épâtant.
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. No, you mustn't make me laugh. You know I can't
restrain myself.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH (loud). I remain!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (severely). But I beg those who remain not to joke
about it. It is a serious matter.
PETRÍSTCHEF. Do you hear? Well then, let's stay. Vovo, sit here, and
don't be too shy.
BETSY. Yes, it's all very well for you to laugh; but just wait till
you see what will happen.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Oh, but supposing it's true? Won't it be a go! Eh,
what?
PETRÍSTCHEF (trembles). Oh, I'm afraid, I'm afraid! Márya
Konstantínovna, I'm afraid! My tootsies tremble.
BETSY (laughing). Not so loud.
[All sit down.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Take your seats, take your seats. Simon, sit down!
SIMON. Yes, sir.
[Sits down on the edge of the chair.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Sit properly.
PROFESSOR. Sit straight in the middle of the chair, and quite at your
ease.
[Arranges SIMON on his chair.
[BETSY, MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA and VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH laugh.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (raising his voice). I beg those who are going to
remain here not to behave frivolously, but to regard this matter
seriously, or bad results might follow. Do you hear, Vovo! If you
can't be quiet, go away!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Quiet, quiet!
[Hides behind FAT LADY.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Alexéy Vladímiritch, will you mesmerise him?
PROFESSOR. No; why should I do it when Antón Borísitch is here? He has
had far more practice and has more power in that department than I ...
Antón Borísitch!
GROSSMAN. Ladies and gentlemen, I am not, strictly speaking, a
spiritualist. I have only studied hypnotism. It is true I have studied
hypnotism in all its known manifestations; but what is called
spiritualism, is entirely unknown to me. When a subject is thrown into
a trance, I may expect the hypnotic phenomena known to me: lethargy,
abulia, anaesthesia, analgesia, catalepsy, and every kind of
susceptibility to suggestion. Here it is not these but other phenomena
we expect to observe. Therefore it would be well to know of what kind
are the phenomena we expect to witness, and what is their scientific
significance.
SAHÁTOF. I thoroughly agree with Mr. Grossman. Such an explanation
would be very interesting.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I think Alexéy Vladímiritch will not refuse to give
us a short explanation.
PROFESSOR. Why not? I can give an explanation if it is desired. (To
the DOCTOR.) Will you kindly note his temperature and pulse? My
explanation must, of necessity, be cursory and brief.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, please; briefly, quite briefly.
DOCTOR. All right. (Takes out thermometer.) Now then, my lad....
[Places the thermometer.
SIMON. Yes, sir!
PROFESSOR (rising and addressing the FAT LADY--then reseating
himself). Ladies and gentlemen! The phenomenon we are investigating
to-night is regarded, on the one hand, as something new; and, on the
other, as something transcending the limits of natural conditions.
Neither view is correct. This phenomenon is not new but is as old as
the world; and it is not supernatural but is subject to the eternal
laws that govern all that exists. This phenomenon has been usually
defined as "intercourse with the spirit world." That definition is
inexact. Under such a definition the spirit world is contrasted with
the material world. But this is erroneous; there is no such contrast!
Both worlds are so closely connected that it is impossible to draw a
line of demarcation, separating the one from the other. We say matter
is composed of molecules....
PETRÍSTCHEF. Prosy matter!
[Whispering and laughter.
PROFESSOR (pauses, then continues). Molecules are composed of atoms,
but the atoms, having no extension, are in reality nothing but the
points of application of forces. Strictly speaking, not of forces but
of energy, that same energy which is as much a unity and just as
indestructible as matter. But matter, though one, has many different
aspects, and the same is true of energy. Till recently only four forms
of energy, convertible into one another, have been known to us:
energies known as the dynamic, the thermal, the electric, and the
chemic. But these four aspects of energy are far from exhausting all
the varieties of its manifestation. The forms in which energy may
manifest itself are very diverse, and it is one of these new and as
yet but little known phases of energy, that we are investigating
to-night. I refer to mediumistic energy.
[Renewed whispering and laughter among the young people.
PROFESSOR (stops and casts a severe look round). Mediumistic energy
has been known to mankind for ages: prophecy, presentiments, visions
and so on, are nothing but manifestations of mediumistic energy. The
manifestations produced by it have, I say, been known to mankind for
ages. But the energy itself has not been recognised as such till quite
recently--not till that medium, the vibrations of which cause the
manifestations of mediumistic energy, was recognised. In the same way
that the phenomena of light were inexplicable until the existence of
an imponderable substance--an ether--was recognised, so mediumistic
phenomena seemed mysterious until the now fully established fact was
recognised, that between the particles of ether there exists another
still more rarefied imponderable substance not subject to the law of
the three dimensions....
[Renewed laughter, whispers, and giggling.
PROFESSOR (again looks round severely). And just as mathematical
calculations have irrefutably proved the existence of imponderable
ether which gives rise to the phenomena of light and electricity, so
the successive investigations of the ingenious Hermann, of Schmidt,
and of Joseph Schmatzhofen, have confirmed beyond a doubt the
existence of a substance which fills the universe and may be called
spiritual ether.
FAT LADY. Ah, now I understand. I am so grateful....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, but Alexéy Vladímiritch, could you not ...
condense it a little?
PROFESSOR (not heeding the remark). And so, as I have just had the
honor of mentioning to you, a succession of strictly scientific
experiments have made plain to us the laws of mediumistic phenomena.
These experiments have proved that, when certain individuals are
plunged into a hypnotic state (a state differing from ordinary sleep
only by the fact that man's physiological activity is not lowered by
the hypnotic influence but, on the contrary, is always heightened--as
we have recently witnessed), when, I say, any individual is plunged
into such a state, this always produces certain perturbations in the
spiritual ether--perturbations quite similar to those produced by
plunging a solid body into liquid matter. These perturbations are what
we call mediumistic phenomena....
[Laughter and whispers.
SAHÁTOF. That is quite comprehensible and correct; but if, as you are
kind enough to inform us, the plunging of the medium into a trance
produces perturbations of the spiritual ether, allow me to ask why (as
is usually supposed to be the case in spiritualistic séances) these
perturbations result in an activity on the part of the souls of dead
people?
PROFESSOR. It is because the molecules of this spiritual ether are
nothing but the souls of the living, the dead, and the unborn, and any
vibration of the spiritual ether must inevitably cause a certain
vibration of its atoms. These atoms are nothing but human souls, which
enter into communication with one another by means of these movements.
FAT LADY (to SAHÁTOF). What is it that puzzles you? It is so
simple.... Thank you so, so much!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I think everything has now been explained, and that
we may commence.
DOCTOR. The fellow is in a perfectly normal condition: temperature 37
decimal 2, pulse 74.
PROFESSOR (takes out his pocket-book and notes this down). What I have
just had the honor of explaining will be confirmed by the fact, which
we shall presently have an opportunity of observing, that after the
medium has been thrown into a trance his temperature and pulse will
inevitably rise, just as occurs in cases of hypnotism.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, yes. But excuse me a moment. I should like to
reply to Sergéy Ivánitch's question: How do we know we are in
communication with the souls of the dead? We know it because the
spirit that appears, plainly tells us--as simply as I am speaking to
you--who he is, and why he has come, and whether all is well with him!
At our last séance a Spaniard, Don Castillos, came to us, and he told
us everything. He told us who he was, and when he died, and that he
was suffering for having taken part in the Inquisition. He even told
us what was happening to him at the very time that he was speaking to
us, namely, that at the very time he was talking to us he had to be
born again on earth, and, therefore, could not continue his
conversation with us.... But you'll see for yourselves....
FAT LADY (interrupting). Oh, how interesting! Perhaps the Spaniard was
born in one of our houses and is a baby now!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Quite possibly.
PROFESSOR. I think it is time we began.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I was only going to say....
PROFESSOR. It is getting late.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Very well. Then we will commence. Antón Borísitch,
be so good as to hypnotize the medium.
GROSSMAN. What method would you like me to use? There are several
methods. There is Braid's system, there is the Egyptian symbol, and
there is Charcot's system.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (to the PROFESSOR). I think it is quite immaterial.
PROFESSOR. Quite.
GROSSMAN. Then I will make use of my own method, which I showed in
Odessa.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. If you please!
[GROSSMAN waves his arms above SIMON. SIMON closes his eyes and
stretches himself.
GROSSMAN (looking closely at him). He is falling asleep! He is asleep!
A remarkably rapid occurrence of hypnosis. The subject has evidently
already reached a state of anaesthesia. He is remarkable,--an
unusually impressionable subject, and might be subjected to
interesting experiments!... (Sits down, rises, sits down again.) Now
one might run a needle into his arm. If you like....
PROFESSOR (to LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH). Do you notice how the medium's
trance acts on Grossman? He is beginning to vibrate.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, yes ... can the lights be extinguished now?
SAHÁTOF. But why is darkness necessary?
PROFESSOR. Darkness? Because it is a condition of the manifestation of
mediumistic energy, just as a given temperature is a condition
necessary for certain manifestations of chemical or dynamic energy.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But not always. Manifestations have been observed
by me, and by many others, both by candlelight and daylight.
PROFESSOR (interrupting). May the lights be put out?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, certainly. (Puts out candles.) Ladies and
gentlemen! attention, if you please.
[TÁNYA gets from under the sofa and takes hold of a thread tied
to a chandelier.
PETRÍSTCHEF. I like that Spaniard! Just in the midst of a
conversation--off he goes head downwards ... as the French say: piquer
une tête. [12]
BETSY. You just wait a bit, and see what will happen!
PETRÍSTCHEF. I have only one fear, and that is that Vovo may be moved
by the spirit to grunt like a pig!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Would you like me to? I will....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Gentlemen! Silence, if you please!
[Silence. SIMON licks the matches on his fingers and rubs his
knuckles with them. Leoníd Fyódoritch. A light! Do you see the
light?
SAHÁTOF. A light? Yes, yes, I see; but allow me....
FAT LADY. Where? Where? Oh, dear, I did not see it! Ah, there it is.
Oh!...
PROFESSOR (whispers to LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH, and points to GROSSMAN, who
is moving). Do you notice how he vibrates? It is the dual influence.
[The light appears again.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (to the PROFESSOR). It must be he--you know!
SAHÁTOF. Who?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. A Greek, Nicholas. It is his light. Don't you think
so, Alexéy Vladímiritch?
SAHÁTOF. Who is this Greek, Nicholas?
PROFESSOR. A certain Greek, who was a monk at Constantinople under
Constantine and who has been visiting us lately.
FAT LADY. Where is he? Where is he? I don't see him.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. He is not yet visible ... Alexéy Vladímiritch, he
is particularly well disposed towards you. You question him.
PROFESSOR (in a peculiar voice). Nicholas! Is that you?
[TÁNYA raps twice on the wall.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (joyfully). It is he! It is he!
FAT LADY. Oh, dear! Oh! I shall go away!
SAHÁTOF. Why do you suppose it is he?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Why, the two knocks. It is an affirmative answer;
else all would have been silence.
[Silence. Suppressed giggling in the young people's corner.
TÁNYA throws a lampshade, pencil and penwiper upon the table.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (whispers). Do you notice, gentlemen, here is a
lamp-shade, and something else--a pencil!... Alexéy Vladímiritch, it
is a pencil!
PROFESSOR. All right, all right! I am watching both him and Grossman!
[GROSSMAN rises and feels the things that have fallen on the table.
SAHÁTOF. Excuse me, excuse me! I should like to see whether it is not
the medium who is doing it all himself?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Do you think so? Well, sit by him and hold his
hands. But you may be sure he is asleep.
SAHÁTOF (approaches, TÁNYA lets a thread touch his head. He is
frightened, and stoops). Ye ... ye ... yes! Strange, very strange!
[Takes hold of SIMON'S elbow. SIMON howls.
PROFESSOR (to LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH). Do you notice the effect of
Grossman's presence? It is a new phenomenon--I must note it....
[Runs out to note it down, and returns again.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes.... But we cannot leave Nicholas without an
answer. We must begin....
GROSSMAN (rises, approaches Simon and raises and lowers his arm). It
would be interesting to produce contraction! The subject is in
profound hypnosis.
PROFESSOR (to LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH). Do you see? Do you see?
GROSSMAN. If you like....
DOCTOR. Now then, my dear sir, leave the management to Alexéy
Vladímiritch; the affair is turning out serious.
PROFESSOR. Leave him alone, he (referring to GROSSMAN) is talking in
his sleep!
FAT LADY. How glad I now am that I resolved to be present! It is
frightening, but all the same I am glad, for I always said to my
husband....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Silence, if you please.
[TÁNYA draws a thread over the FAT LADY'S head.
FAT LADY. Aie!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What? What is it?
FAT LADY. He took hold of my hair!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (whispers). Never mind, don't be afraid, give him
your hand. His hand will be cold, but I like it.
FAT LADY (hides her hands). Not for the world!
SAHÁTOF. Yes, it is strange, very strange!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. He is here and is seeking for intercourse. Who
wishes to put a question to him?
SAHÁTOF. I should like to put a question, if I may.
PROFESSOR. Please do.
SAHÁTOF. Do I believe or not?
[TÁNYA knocks twice.
PROFESSOR. The answer is affirmative.
SAHÁTOF. Allow me to ask again. Have I a ten rouble note in my pocket?
[TÁNYA knocks several times and passes a thread over SAHÁTOF'S head.
SAHÁTOF. Ah!
[Seizes the thread and breaks it.
PROFESSOR. I should ask those present not to ask indefinite or trivial
questions. It is unpleasant to him!
SAHÁTOF. No, but allow me! Here I have a thread in my hand!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. A thread? Hold it fast; that happens often, and not
only threads but sometimes even silk cords--very ancient ones!
SAHÁTOF. No--but where did this thread come from?
[TÁNYA throws a cushion at him.
SAHÁTOF. Wait a bit; wait! Something soft has hit me on the head.
Light a candle--there is something....
PROFESSOR. We beg of you not to interrupt the manifestations.
FAT LADY. For goodness' sake, don't interrupt! I should also like to
ask something. May I?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, if you like.
FAT LADY. I should like to ask about my digestion. May I? I want to
know what to take: aconite or belladonna?
[Silence, whispers among the young people; suddenly VASÍLY
LEONÍDITCH begins to cry like a baby: "ou-a, ou-a!" (Laughter.)
Holding their mouths and noses, the girls and PETRÍSTCHEF run
away bursting with laughter.
FAT LADY. Ah, that must be the monk who's been born again!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (beside himself with anger, whispers). One gets
nothing but tomfoolery from you! If you don't know how to behave
decently, go away!
[Exit VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Darkness and silence.
FAT LADY. Oh, what a pity! Now one can't ask any more! He is born!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Not at all. It is only Vovo's nonsense. But he is
here. Ask him.
PROFESSOR. That often happens. These jokes and ridicule are quite
usual occurrences. I expect he is still here. But we may ask. Leoníd
Fyódoritch, will you?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, you, if you please. This has upset me. So
unpleasant! Such want of tact!...
PROFESSOR. Very well.... Nicholas, are you here?
[TÁNYA raps twice and rings. SIMON roars, spreads his arms out,
seizes SAHÁTOF and the PROFESSOR--squeezing them.
PROFESSOR. What an unexpected phenomenon! The medium himself reacted
upon! This never happened before! Leoníd Fyódoritch, will you watch?
It is difficult for me to do so. He squeezes me so! Mind you observe
GROSSMAN! This needs the very greatest attention!
[TÁNYA throws the PEASANTS' paper on the table.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Something has fallen upon the table.
PROFESSOR. See what it is!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Paper! A folded paper!
[TÁNYA throws a travelling inkstand on the table.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. An inkstand!
[TÁNYA throws a pen.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. A pen!
[SIMON roars and squeezes.
PROFESSOR (crushed). Wait a bit, wait: a totally new manifestation!
The action proceeding not from the mediumistic energy produced, but
from the medium himself! However, open the inkstand, and put the pen
on the table, and he will write!
[TÁNYA goes behind LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH and strikes him on the head
with the guitar.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. He has struck me on the head! (Examining table.)
The pen is not writing yet and the paper remains folded.
PROFESSOR. See what the paper is, and quickly; evidently the dual
influence--his and Grossman's--has produced a perturbation!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (goes out and returns at once). Extraordinary! This
paper is an agreement with some peasants that I refused to sign this
morning and returned to the peasants. Probably he wants me to sign it?
PROFESSOR. Of course! Of course! But ask him.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Nicholas, do you wish....
[TÁNYA knocks twice.
PROFESSOR. Do you hear? It is quite evident!
[LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH takes the paper and pen and goes out. TÁNYA
knocks, plays on the guitar and the accordion, and then creeps
under the sofa. LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH returns. SIMON stretches
himself and coughs.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. He is waking up. We can light the candles.
PROFESSOR (hurriedly). Doctor, Doctor, please, his pulse and
temperature! You will see that a rise of both will be apparent.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (lights the candles). Well, what do you gentlemen
who were sceptical think of it now?
DOCTOR (goes up to SIMON and places thermometer). Now then my lad.
Well, have you had a nap? There, put that in there, and give me your
hand.
[Looks at his watch.
SAHÁTOF (shrugging his shoulders). I must admit that all that has
occurred cannot have been done by the medium. But the thread?... I
should like the thread explained.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. A thread! A thread! We have been witnessing
manifestations more important than a thread.
SAHÁTOF. I don't know. At all events, je réserve mon opinion.
FAT LADY (to SAHÁTOF). Oh, no, how can you say: "je réserve mon
opinion"? And the infant with the little wings? Didn't you see? At
first I thought it was only an illusion, but afterwards it became
clearer and clearer, like a live....
SAHÁTOF. I can only speak of what I have seen. I did not see that--
nothing of the kind.
FAT LADY. You don't mean to say so? Why, it was quite plainly visible!
And to the left there was a monk clothed in black bending over it....
SAHÁTOF (moves away. Aside). What exaggeration!
FAT LADY (addressing the DOCTOR). You must have seen it! It rose up
from your side.
[DOCTOR goes on counting the pulse without heeding her.
FAT LADY (to GROSSMAN). And that light, the light around it,
especially around its little face! And the expression so mild and
tender, something so heavenly!
[Smiles tenderly herself.
GROSSMAN. I saw phosphorescent light, and objects changed their
places, but I saw nothing more than that.
FAT LADY. Don't tell me! You don't mean it! It is simply that you
scientists of Charcot's school do not believe in a life beyond the
grave! As for me, no one could now make me disbelieve in a future
life--no one in the world!
[GROSSMAN moves away from her.
FAT LADY. No, no, whatever you may say, this is one of the happiest
moments of my life! When I heard Sarasate play, and now.... Yes! (No
one listens to her. She goes up to SIMON.) Now tell me, my friend,
what did you feel? Was it very trying?
SIMON (laughs). Yes, ma'm, just so.
FAT LADY. Still not unendurable?
SIMON. Just so, ma'm. (To LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.) Am I to go?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, you may go.
DOCTOR (to the PROFESSOR). The pulse is the same, but the temperature
is lower.
PROFESSOR. Lower! (Considers awhile, then suddenly divines the
conclusion.) It had to be so--it had to descend! The dual influence
crossing had to produce some kind of reflex action. Yes, that's it!
[Exeunt, all talking at once--
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I'm only sorry we had no complete
materialisation. But still.... Come, gentlemen, let us go to the
drawing-room?
FAT LADY. What specially struck me was when he flapped his wings,
and one saw how he rose!
GROSSMAN (to SAHÁTOF). If we had kept to hypnotism, we might have
produced a thorough state of epilepsy. The success might have
been complete!
SAHÁTOF. It is very interesting, but not entirely convincing. That
is all I can say.
[Enter THEODORE IVÁNITCH.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH (with paper in his hand). Ah, Theodore, what a
remarkable séance we have had! It turns out that the peasants must
have the land on their own terms.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Dear me!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, indeed. (Showing paper.) Fancy, this paper
that I returned to them, suddenly appeared on the table! I have signed
it.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. How did it get there?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, it did get there!
[Exit. THEODORE IVÁNITCH follows him out.
TÁNYA (gets from under the sofa and laughs). Oh, dear, oh dear! Well,
I did get a fright when he got hold of the thread! (Shrieks.) Well,
anyhow, it's all right--he has signed it!
[Enter GREGORY.
GREGORY. So it was you that was fooling them?
TÁNYA. What business is it of yours?
GREGORY. And do you think the missis will be pleased with you for it?
No, you bet; you're caught now! I'll tell them what tricks you're up
to, if you don't let me have my way!
TÁNYA. And you'll not get your way, and you'll not do me any harm!
CURTAIN
ACT IV
The same scene as in Act I. The next day. Two liveried footmen,
THEODORE IVÁNITCH and GREGORY.
FIRST FOOTMAN (with grey whiskers). Yours is the third house to-day.
Thank goodness that all the at-homes are in this direction. Yours used
to be on Thursdays.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, we changed to Saturday so as to be on the same
day as the Golóvkins and Grade von Grabes....
SECOND FOOTMAN. The Stcherbákofs do the thing well. There's
refreshments for the footmen every time they've a ball.
[The two PRINCESSES, mother and daughter, come down the stairs
accompanied by BETSY. The old PRINCESS looks in her note-book
and at her watch, and sits down on the settle. GREGORY puts on
her overshoes.
YOUNG PRINCESS. Now, do come. Because, if you refuse, and Dodo
refuses, the whole thing will be spoilt.
BETSY. I don't know. I must certainly go to the Shoúbins. And then
there is the rehearsal.
YOUNG PRINCESS. You'll have plenty of time. Do, please. Ne nous fais
pas faux bond.[13] Fédya and Koko will come.
BETSY. J'en ai par-dessus la tête de votre Koko.[14]
YOUNG PRINCESS. I thought I should see him here. Ordinairement il est
d'une exactitude....[15]
BETSY. He is sure to come.
YOUNG PRINCESS. When I see you together, it always seems to me that he
has either just proposed or is just going to propose.
BETSY. Yes, I don't suppose it can be avoided. I shall have to go
through with it. And it is so unpleasant!
YOUNG PRINCESS. Poor Koko! He is head over ears in love.
BETSY. Cessez, les gens![16]
[YOUNG PRINCESS sits down, talking in whispers. GREGORY puts on
her overshoes.
YOUNG PRINCESS. Well then, good-bye till this evening.
BETSY. I'll try to come.
OLD PRINCESS. Then tell your papa that I don't believe in anything of
the kind, but will come to see his new medium. Only he must let me
know when. Good afternoon, ma toute belle.
[Kisses BETSY, and exit, followed by her daughter. BETSY goes
upstairs.
GREGORY. I don't like putting on an old woman's overshoes for her; she
can't stoop, can't see her shoe for her stomach, and keeps poking her
foot in the wrong place. It's different with a young one; it's
pleasant to take her foot in one's hand.
SECOND FOOTMAN. Hear him! Making distinctions!
FIRST FOOTMAN. It's not for us footmen to make such distinctions.
GREGORY. Why shouldn't one make distinctions; are we not men? It's
they think we don't understand! Just now they were deep in their talk,
then they look at me, and at once it's "lay zhon!"
SECOND FOOTMAN. And what's that?
GREGORY. Oh, that means, "Don't talk, they understand!" It's the same
at table. But I understand! You say, there's a difference? I say there
is none.
FIRST FOOTMAN. There is a great difference for those who understand.
GREGORY. There is none at all. To-day I am a footman, and to-morrow I
may be living no worse than they are. Has it never happened that
they've married footmen? I'll go and have a smoke.
[Exit.
SECOND FOOTMAN. That's a bold young man you've got.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. A worthless fellow, not fit for service. He used to
be an office boy and has got spoilt. I advised them not to take him,
but the mistress liked him. He looks well on the carriage when they
drive out.
FIRST FOOTMAN. I should like to send him to our Count; he'd put him in
his place! Oh, he don't like those scatterbrains. "If you're a
footman, be a footman and fulfil your calling." Such pride is not
befitting.
[PETRÍSTCHEF comes running downstairs, and takes out a cigarette.
PETRÍSTCHEF (deep in thought). Let's see, my second is the same as my
first. Echo, a-co, co-coa. (Enter KOKO KLÍNGEN, wearing his
pince-nez.) Ko-ko, co-coa. Cocoa tin, where do you spring from?
KOKO KLÍNGEN. From the Stcherbákofs. You are always playing the
fool....
PETRÍSTCHEF. No, listen to my charade. My first is the same as my
second, my third may be cracked, my whole is like your pate.
KOKO KLÍNGEN. I give it up. I've no time.
PETRÍSTCHEF. Where else are you going?
KOKO KLÍNGEN. Where? Of course to the Ivins, to practice for the
concert. Then to the Shoúbins, and then to the rehearsal. You'll be
there too, won't you?
PETRÍSTCHEF. Most certainly. At the re-her-Sall and also at the
re-her-Sarah. Why, at first I was a savage, and now I am both a savage
and a general.
KOKO KLÍNGEN. How did yesterday's séance go off?
PETRÍSTCHEF. Screamingly funny! There was a peasant, and above all, it
was all in the dark. Vovo cried like an infant, the Professor defined,
and Márya Vasílevna refined. Such a lark! You ought to have been
there.
KOKO KLÍNGEN. I'm afraid, mon cher. You have a way of getting off with
a jest, but I always feel that if I say a word they'll construe it
into a proposal. Et ça ne m'arrange pas du tout, du tout. Mais du
tout, du tout! [17]
PETRÍSTCHEF. Instead of a proposal, make a proposition, and receive a
sentence! Well, I shall go in to Vovo's. If you'll call for me, we can
go to the re-her-Sarah together.
KOKO KLÍNGEN. I can't think how you can be friends with such a fool.
He is so stupid--a regular blockhead!
PETRÍSTCHEF. And I am fond of him. I love Vovo, but ... "with a love
so strange, ne'er towards him the path untrod shall be"....
[Exit into Vovo's room.
[BETSY comes down with a LADY. KOKO bows significantly to BETSY.
BETSY (shaking KOKO'S hand without turning towards him. To LADY). You
are acquainted?
LADY. No.
BETSY. Baron Klíngen.... Why were you not here last night?
KOKO KLÍNGEN. I could not come, I was engaged.
BETSY. What a pity, it was so interesting! (Laughs.) You should have
seen what manifestations we had! Well, how is our charade getting on?
KOKO KLÍNGEN. Oh, the verses for mon second are ready. Nick composed
the verses, and I the music.
BETSY. What are they? What are they? Do tell me!
KOKO KLÍNGEN. Wait a minute; how does it go?... Oh, the knight sings:
"Oh, naught so beautiful as nature:
The Nautilus sails by.
Oh, naughty lass, oh, naughty lass!
Oh, nought, oh, nought! Oh, fie!"
LADY. I see, my second is "nought," and what is my first?
KOKO KLÍNGEN. My first is Aero, the name of a girl savage.
BETSY. Aero, you see, is a savage who wished to devour the object of
her love. (Laughs.) She goes about lamenting, and sings--
"My appetite,"
KOKO KLÍNGEN (interrupts)--
"How can I fight,"....
BETSY (chimes in)--
"Some one to chew I long.
I seeking go ...."
KOKO KLÍNGEN--
"But even so...."
BETSY--
"No one to chew can find."
KOKO KLÍNGEN--
"A raft sails by,"
BETSY--
"It cometh nigh;
Two generals upon it...."
KOKO KLÍNGEN--
"Two generals are we:
By fate's hard decree,
To this island we flee."
And then, the refrain--
"By fate's hard decree,
To this island we flee."
LADY. Charmant!
BETSY. But just think how silly!
KOKO KLÍNGEN. Yes, that's the charm of it!
LADY. And who is to be Aero?
BETSY. I am. And I have had a costume made, but mamma says it's "not
decent." And it is not a bit less decent than a ball dress. (To
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.) Is Bourdier's man here?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, he is waiting in the kitchen.
LADY. Well, and how will you represent Aeronaut?
BETSY. Oh, you'll see. I don't want to spoil the pleasure for you. Au
revoir.
LADY. Good-bye!
[They bow. Exit LADY.
BETSY (to KOKO KLÍNGEN). Come up to mamma.
[BETSY and KOKO go upstairs. JACOB enters from servants'
quarters, carrying a tray with teacups, cakes, etc., and goes
panting across the stage.
JACOB (to the FOOTMEN). How d'you do? How d'you do?
[FOOTMEN bow.
JACOB (to THEODORE IVÁNITCH). Couldn't you tell Gregory to help a bit!
I'm ready to drop....
[Exit up the stairs.
FIRST FOOTMAN. That is a hard-working chap you've got there.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, a good fellow. But there now--he doesn't
satisfy the mistress, she says his appearance is ungainly. And now
they've gone and told tales about him for letting some peasants into
the kitchen yesterday. It is a bad look-out: they may dismiss him. And
he is a good fellow.
SECOND FOOTMAN. What peasants were they?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Peasants that had come from our Koursk village to
buy some land. It was night, and they were our fellow-countrymen, one
of them the father of the butler's assistant. Well, so they were asked
into the kitchen. It so happened that there was thought-reading going
on. Something was hidden in the kitchen, and all the gentlefolk came
down, and the mistress saw the peasants. There was such a row! "How is
this," she says; "these people may be infected, and they are let into
the kitchen!".... She is terribly afraid of this infection.
[Enter GREGORY.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Gregory, you go and help Jacob. I'll stay here. He
can't manage alone.
GREGORY. He's awkward, that's why he can't manage.
[Exit.
FIRST FOOTMAN. And what is this new mania they have got? This
infection!... So yours also is afraid of it?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. She fears it worse than fire! Our chief business,
nowadays, is fumigating, washing, and sprinkling.
FIRST FOOTMAN. I see. That's why there is such a stuffy smell here.
(With animation.) I don't know what we're coming to with these
infection notions. It's just detestable! They seem to have forgotten
the Lord. There's our master's sister, Princess Mosolóva, her daughter
was dying, and, will you believe it, neither father nor mother would
come near her! So she died without their having taken leave of her.
And the daughter cried, and called them to say good-bye--but they
didn't go! The doctor had discovered some infection or other! And yet
their own maid and a trained nurse were with her, and nothing happened
to them; they're still alive!
[Enter VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH and PETRÍSTCHEF from VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH'S
room, smoking cigarettes.
PETRÍSTCHEF. Come along then, only I must take Koko--Cocoanut, with
me.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Your Koko is a regular dolt; I can't bear him. A
hare-brained fellow, a regular gad-about! Without any kind of
occupation, eternally loafing around! Eh, what?
PETRÍSTCHEF. Well, anyhow, wait a bit, I must say goodbye.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. All right. And I will go and look at my dogs in the
coachman's room. I've got a dog there that's so savage, the coachman
said, he nearly ate him.
PETRÍSTCHEF. Who ate whom? Did the coachman really eat the dog?
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. You are always at it!
[Puts on outdoor things and goes out.
PETRÍSTCHEF (thoughtfully). Ma - kin - tosh, Co - co - tin.... Let's
see.
[Goes upstairs.
[JACOB runs across the stage.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What's the matter?
JACOB. There is no more thin bread and butter. I said....
[Exit.
SECOND FOOTMAN. And then our master's little son fell ill, and they
sent him at once to an hotel with his nurse, and there he died without
his mother.
FIRST FOOTMAN. They don't seem to fear sin! I think you cannot escape
from God anywhere.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. That's what I think.
[JACOB runs upstairs with bread and butter.
FIRST FOOTMAN. One should consider too, that if we are to be afraid of
everybody like that, we'd better shut ourselves up within four walls,
as in a prison, and stick there!
[Enter TÁNYA; she bows to the FOOTMEN.
TÁNYA. Good afternoon.
[FOOTMEN bow.
TÁNYA. Theodore Ivánitch, I have a word to say to you.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, what?
TÁNYA. The peasants have come again, Theodore Ivánitch....
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well? I gave the paper to Simon.
TÁNYA. I have given them the paper. They were that grateful! I can't
say how! Now they only ask you to take the money.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But where are they?
TÁNYA. Here, by the porch.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right, I'll tell the master.
TÁNYA. I have another request to you, dear Theodore Ivánitch.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What now?
TÁNYA. Why, don't you see, Theodore Ivánitch, I can't remain here any
longer. Ask them to let me go.
[Enter JACOB, running.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH (to JACOB). What d'you want?
JACOB. Another samovár, and oranges.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Ask the housekeeper.
[Exit JACOB.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH (to TÁNYA). How is that?
TÁNYA. Why, don't you see, my position is such....
JACOB (runs in). There are not enough oranges.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Serve up as many as you've got. (Exit JACOB.) Now's
not the time! Just see what a bustle we are in.
TÁNYA. But you know yourself, Theodore Ivánitch, there is no end to
this bustle; one might wait for ever--you know yourself--and my affair
is for life.... Dear Theodore Ivánitch, you have done me a good turn,
be a father to me now, choose the right moment and tell her, or else
she'll get angry and won't let me have my passport.[18]
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Where's the hurry?
TÁNYA. Why, Theodore Ivánitch, it's all settled now.... And I could go
to my godmother's and get ready, and then after Easter we'd get
married.[19] Do tell her, dear Theodore Ivánitch!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Go away--this is not the place.
[An elderly GENTLEMAN comes downstairs, puts on overcoat, and
goes out, followed by the SECOND FOOTMAN.
[Exit TÁNYA. Enter JACOB.
JACOB. Just fancy, Theodore Ivánitch, it's too bad! She wants to
discharge me now! She says, "You break everything, and forget Frisk,
and you let the peasants into the kitchen against my orders!" And you
know very well that I knew nothing about it. Tatyána told me, "Take
them into the kitchen"; how could I tell whose order it was?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Did the mistress speak to you?
JACOB. She's just spoken. Do speak up for me, Theodore Ivánitch! You
see, my people in the country are only just getting on their feet, and
suppose I lose my place, when shall I get another? Theodore Ivánitch,
do, please!
[ANNA PÁVLOVNA comes down with the old COUNTESS, whom she is
seeing off. The COUNTESS has false teeth and hair. The FIRST
FOOTMAN helps the COUNTESS into her outdoor things.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Oh, most certainly, of course! I am so deeply touched.
COUNTESS. If it were not for my illness, I should come oftener to see
you.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You should really consult Peter Petróvitch. He is
rough, but nobody can soothe one as he does. He is so clear, so
simple.
COUNTESS. Oh no, I shall keep to the one I am used to.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Pray, take care of yourself.
COUNTESS. Merci, mille fois merci.[20]
[GREGORY, dishevelled and excited, jumps out from the servants'
quarters. SIMON appears behind him in the doorway.
SIMON. You'd better leave her alone!
GREGORY. You rascal! I'll teach you how to fight, you scamp, you!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What do you mean? Do you think you are in a
public-house?
GREGORY. This coarse peasant makes life impossible for me.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA (provoked). You've lost your senses. Don't you see? (To
COUNTESS.) Merci, mille fois merci. A mardi! [21]
[Exeunt COUNTESS and FIRST FOOTMAN.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA (to GREGORY). What is the meaning of this?
GREGORY. Though I do occupy the position of a footman, still I won't
allow every peasant to hit me; I have my pride too.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Why, what has happened?
GREGORY. Why, this Simon of yours has got so brave, sitting with the
gentlemen, that he wants to fight!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Why? What for?
GREGORY. Heaven only knows!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA (to SIMON). What is the meaning of it?
SIMON. Why does he bother her?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What has happened?
SIMON (smiles). Well, you see, he is always catching hold of Tánya,
the lady's-maid, and she won't have it. Well, so I just moved him
aside a bit, just so, with my hand.
GREGORY. A nice little bit! He's almost caved my ribs in, and has torn
my dress-coat, and he says, "The same power as came over me yesterday
comes on me again," and he begins to squeeze me.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA (to SIMON). How dare you fight in my house?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. May I explain it to you, ma'am? I must tell you
Simon is not indifferent to Tánya, and is engaged to her. And Gregory
--one must admit the truth--does not behave properly, nor honestly, to
her. Well, so I suppose Simon got angry with him.
GREGORY. Not at all! It is all his spite, because I have discovered
their trickery.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What trickery?
GREGORY. Why, at the séance. All those things, last night,--it was not
Simon but Tánya who did them! I saw her getting out from under the
sofa with my own eyes.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What is that? From under the sofa?
GREGORY. I give you my word of honor. And it was she who threw the
paper on the table. If it had not been for her the paper would not
have been signed, nor the land sold to the peasants.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. And you saw it yourself?
GREGORY. With my own eyes. Shall I call her? She'll not deny it.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Yes, call her.
[Exit GREGORY.
[Noise behind the scenes. The voice of the DOORKEEPER, "No, no,
you cannot." DOORKEEPER is seen at the front door, the three
PEASANTS rush in past him, the SECOND PEASANT first; the THIRD
one stumbles, falls on his nose, and catches hold of it.
DOORKEEPER. You must not go in!
SECOND PEASANT. Where's the harm? We are not doing anything wrong. We
only wish to pay the money!
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it; as by laying on the signature the
affair is come to a conclusion, we only wish to make payment with
thanks.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Wait a bit with your thanks. It was all done by fraud!
It is not settled yet. Not sold yet.... Leoníd.... Call Leoníd
Fyódoritch.
[Exit DOORKEEPER.
[LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH enters, but, seeing his wife and the PEASANTS,
wishes to retreat.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No, no, come here, please! I told you the land must not
be sold on credit, and everybody told you so, but you let yourself be
deceived like the veriest blockhead.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. How? I don't understand who is deceiving?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You have grey
hair, and you let yourself be deceived and laughed at like a silly
boy. You grudge your son some three hundred roubles which his social
position demands, and let yourself be tricked of thousands--like a
fool!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Now come, Annette, try to be calm.
FIRST PEASANT. We are only come about the acceptation of the sum, for
example....
THIRD PEASANT (taking out the money). Let us finish the matter, for
Christ's sake!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Wait, wait!
[Enter TÁNYA and GREGORY.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA (angrily). You were in the small drawing-room during the
séance last night?
[TÁNYA looks around at THEODORE IVÁNITCH, LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH, and
SIMON, and sighs.
GREGORY. It's no use beating about the bush; I saw you myself....
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Tell me, were you there? I know all about it, so you'd
better confess! I'll not do anything to you. I only want to expose him
(pointing to LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH) your master.... Did you throw the
paper on the table?
TÁNYA. I don't know how to answer. Only one thing,--let me go home.
[Enter BETSY unobserved.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA (to LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH). There, you see! You are being
made a fool of.
TÁNYA. Let me go home, Anna Pávlovna!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No, my dear! You may have caused us a loss of thousands
of roubles. Land has been sold that ought not to be sold!
TÁNYA. Let me go, Anna Pávlovna!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No; you'll have to answer for it! Such tricks won't do.
We'll have you up before the Justice of the Peace!
BETSY (comes forward). Let her go, mamma. Or, if you wish to have her
tried, you must have me tried too! She and I did it together.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Well, of course, if you have a hand in anything, what
can one expect but the very worst results!
[Enter the PROFESSOR.
PROFESSOR. How do you do, Anna Pávlovna? How do you do, Miss Betsy?
Leoníd Fyódoritch, I have brought you a report of the Thirteenth
Congress of Spiritualists at Chicago. An amazing speech by Schmidt!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Oh, that is interesting!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I will tell you something much more interesting! It
turns out that both you and my husband were fooled by this girl! Betsy
takes it on herself, but that is only to annoy me. It was an
illiterate peasant girl who fooled you, and you believed it all.
There were no mediumistic phenomena last night; it was she (pointing
to TÁNYA) who did it!
PROFESSOR (taking off his overcoat). What do you mean?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I mean that it was she who, in the dark, played on the
guitar and beat my husband on the head and performed all your idiotic
tricks--and she has just confessed!
PROFESSOR (smiling). What does that prove?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. It proves that your mediumism is--tomfoolery; that's
what it proves!
PROFESSOR. Because this young girl wished to deceive, we are to
conclude that mediumism is "tomfoolery," as you are pleased to express
it? (Smiles.) A curious conclusion! Very possibly this young girl may
have wished to deceive: that often occurs. She may even have done
something; but then, what she did--she did. But the manifestations of
mediumistic energy still remain manifestations of mediumistic energy!
It is even very probable that what this young girl did evoked (and so
to say solicited) the manifestation of mediumistic energy,--giving it
a definite form.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Another lecture!
PROFESSOR (sternly). You say, Anna Pávlovna, that this girl, and
perhaps this dear young lady also, did something; but the light we all
saw, and, in the first case the fall, and in the second the rise of
temperature, and Grossman's excitement and vibration--were those
things also done by this girl? And these are facts, Anna Pávlovna,
facts! No! Anna Pávlovna, there are things which must be investigated
and fully understood before they can be talked about, things too
serious, too serious....
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. And the child that Márya Vasílevna distinctly saw?
Why, I saw it too.... That could not have been done by this girl.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You think yourself wise, but you are--a fool.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, I'm going.... Alexéy Vladímiritch, will you
come?
[Exit into his study.
PROFESSOR (shrugging his shoulders, follows). Oh, how far, how far, we
still lag behind Western Europe!
[Enter JACOB.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA (following LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH with her eyes). He has been
tricked like a fool, and he sees nothing! (To JACOB.) What do you
want?
JACOB. How many persons am I to lay the table for?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. For how many?... Theodore Ivánitch! Let him give up the
silver plate to you. Be off, at once! It is all his fault! This man
will bring me to my grave. Last night he nearly starved the dog that
had done him no harm! And, as if that were not enough, he lets the
infected peasants into the kitchen, and now they are here again! It is
all his fault! Be off at once! Discharge him, discharge him! (To
SIMON.) And you, horrid peasant, if you dare to have rows in my house
again, I'll teach you!
SECOND PEASANT. All right, if he is a horrid peasant there's no good
keeping him; you'd better discharge him too, and there's an end of it.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA (while listening to him looks at THIRD PEASANT). Only
look! Why, he has a rash on his nose--a rash! He is ill; he is a
hotbed of infection!! Did I not give orders, yesterday, that they were
not to be allowed into the house, and here they are again? Drive them
out!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Then are we not to accept their money?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Their money? Oh yes, take their money; but they must be
turned out at once, especially this one! He is quite rotten!
THIRD PEASANT. That's not just, lady. God's my witness, it's not just!
You'd better ask my old woman, let's say, whether I am rotten! I'm
clear as crystal, let's say.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. He talks!... Off, off with him! It's all to spite
me!... Oh, I can't bear it, I can't!... Send for the doctor!
[Runs away, sobbing. Exit also JACOB and GREGORY.
TÁNYA (to BETSY). Miss Elizabeth, darling, what am I to do now?
BETSY. Never mind, you go with them and I'll arrange it all.
[Exit.
FIRST PEASANT. Well, your reverence, how about the reception of the
sum now?
SECOND PEASANT. Let us settle up, and go.
THIRD PEASANT (fumbling with the packet of banknotes). Had I known,
I'd not have come for the world. It's worse than a fever!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH (to DOORKEEPER). Show them into my room. There's a
counting-board there. I'll receive their money. Now go.
DOORKEEPER. Come along.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And it's Tánya you have to thank for it. But for
her you'd not have had the land.
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. As she made the proposal, so she put it
into effect.
THIRD PEASANT. She's made men of us. Else what were we? We had so
little land, no room to let a hen out, let's say, not to mention the
cattle. Good-bye, dear! When you get to the village, come to us and
eat honey.
SECOND PEASANT. Let me get home and I'll start brewing the beer for
the wedding! You will come?
TÁNYA. Yes, I'll come, I'll come! (Shrieks.) Simon, this is fine,
isn't it?
[Exeunt PEASANTS.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, Tánya, when you have your house I'll come to
visit you. Will you welcome me?
TÁNYA. Dear Theodore Ivánitch, just the same as we would our own
father!
[Embraces and kisses him.
CURTAIN
FOOTNOTES FOR FRUITS OF CULTURE
1. Economical balls at which the ladies are bound to appear in
dresses made of cotton materials.
2. The present value of the rouble is rather over fifty cents.
3. The Gypsy choirs are very popular in Moscow.
4. BETSY. Cease! You are becoming quite unbearable!.
5. PETRÍSTCHEF. I have C said (ceased), B said, and D said.
6. BARONESS. But tell me, please, is he paid for this?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I really do not know.
BARONESS. But he is a gentleman?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Oh, yes!
BARONESS. It is almost miraculous. Isn't it? How does he manage
to find things?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I really can't tell you. My husband will explain
it to you.... Excuse me....
7. Stunning!
8. BARONESS. Capital! Does it not cause him any pain?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Not the slightest.
9. He uses a Centigrade thermometer.
10. LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. You bring good luck.
11. FAT LADY. But he looks quite nice.
12. To take a header.
13. Do not disappoint us.
14. BETSY. I have more than enough of your Koko.
15. YOUNG PRINCESS. He is usually so very punctual....
16. BETSY. Cease; mind the servants!
17. And that won't suit me at all, at all! Not at all, at all!
18. Employers have charge of the servants' passports, and in this way
have a hold on them in case of misconduct.
19. It is customary for peasants to marry just after Easter, but when
spring has come and the field work begun, no marriages take place
among them till autumn. (See also THE POWER OF DARKNESS
footnote 2.)
20. COUNTESS. Thank you (for your hospitality), a thousand thanks
21. ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Thank you (for coming to see us), a thousand
thanks. Till next Tuesday!
End of Project Gutenberg's Redemption and Two Other Plays, by Leo Tolstoy