It must have been about three weeks after the pacification of the
Archdeacon by my mother that a crisis occurred in my affairs. I am not a
person of any importance, although I shall be, I fear, some day; and
my affairs up to the present are not particularly interesting even to
myself. I record the crisis because it explains the fact that I lost
touch with Lalage for nearly four years and know little or nothing about
her development during that time. I wish I knew more. Some day, when I
have a little leisure, I mean to have a long talk with Miss Pettigrew.
She saw more of Lalage in those days than any one else did, and I think
she must have some very interesting, perhaps exciting, things to tell.
To a sympathetic listener Miss Pettigrew would talk freely. She has
a sense of humour, and like all people who are capable of laughing
themselves, takes a pleasure in telling good stories.
It was my uncle, Lord Thormanby, who was mainly responsible for my
private crisis. My mother, I daresay, goaded him on; but he has always
taken the credit for arranging that I should join the British embassy
in Lisbon as a kind of unpaid attaché. My uncle used his private and
political influence to secure this desirable post for me. I do not know
exactly whom he worried. Perhaps it was a sympathetic Prime Minister,
perhaps the Ambassador himself, a nobleman distantly connected with
Lady Thormanby. At all events, the thing was done and Thormanby was
enormously proud of the achievement. He gave me a short lecture by way
of a send-off, in which he dwelt a good deal on his own interest in my
future and told me that my appointment might lead on to something big.
It has not done so, up to the present, but that I daresay is my own
fault.
The Canon, who seemed sorry to say good-bye to me, gave me a present of
an English translation of the works of the philosopher Epictetus, with
several passages, favourites of his own, marked in red ink. One of
these I used frequently to read and still think about occasionally, not
because I have the slightest intention of trying to live in the spirit
of it, but because it always reminds me of the Canon himself, and
so makes me smile. “Is a little of your oil spilt, or a little wine
stolen?” said this philosopher. “Then say to yourself: ‘For so much
peace is bought. This is the price of tranquillity.’ For nothing can
be gained without paying for it.” It is by this wisdom that the man who
happened to be Lalage’s father was able to live without worrying himself
into frequent fevers.
The Archdeacon dined with us a short time before I left home and gave me
a very fine valedictory address. He said that I was about to follow the
example of my ancestors and devote myself to the service of my country.
He had every hope that I would acquit myself as nobly as they did. This
was a very affecting thing to say, particularly in our dining-room,
with the pictures of my grandfather’s battles hanging round the walls.
I looked at them while he spoke, but I did not venture to look at my
mother. Her eyes have a way of twinkling when the Archdeacon is at
his best which always upsets me. The Archdeacon, his face still raised
toward the large battle picture, added that there is nothing finer
than the service of one’s country, nothing more inspiring for a man and
nothing more likely to lead to fame. I felt at the time that this is
very likely to be true in the case of any one who has a country to
serve. I, unfortunately, have none. The recent developments of Irish
life, the revivals of various kinds, the books which people keep on
writing, and the general atmosphere of the country have robbed me and
others like me of the belief, held comfortably by our fathers, that we
are Englishmen. On the other hand, nobody, least of all the patriotic
politicians who make speeches, will admit that we are Irish. We are
thus, without any fault of our own, left poised in a state of quivering
uncertainty like the poor Samaritans whom the Jews despised as Gentiles
and the Gentiles did not like because they seemed to be Jews. I found
it difficult, while I listened to the Archdeacon, to decide what
country had a claim on me for service. Perhaps Portugal--I was going to
Lisbon--would mark me for her own.
For more than three years I saw nothing of Lalage. My holidays, snatched
with difficulty from a press of ridiculously unimportant duties, never
corresponded with hers. I heard very little of her. The Canon never
wrote to me at all about Lalage or anything else. My mother merely
chronicled her scholastic successes, which included several prizes for
English composition.
The one really interesting piece of information which I got about
her came, curiously enough, from the Archdeacon. He wrote to me for a
subscription to a fund for something, rebuilding the bishop’s palace
I think. At the end of his letter he mentioned an incident in Lalage’s
career which he described as deplorable. It appeared that a clergyman, a
man of some eminence according to the Archdeacon and so, presumably, not
the original curate had set an examination paper intended to test the
religious knowledge of Lalage and others. In it he quoted some words
from one of St Paul’s epistles: “I keep my body under and have it
in subjection,” and asked what they meant. Lalage submitted a novel
interpretation. “St. Paul,” she wrote, “is here speaking of that
mystical body which is the Church. It ought always to be kept under and
had in subjection.”
As a diplomatist--I suppose I am a diplomatist of a minor kind--whose
lot is cast among the Latin peoples, I am inclined to think that
Lalage’s interpretation may one day be universally accepted as the true
one and so honoured with the crown of orthodoxy. It would even to-day
strike a Portuguese journalist as a simple statement of an obvious
truth. The Archdeacon regarded it as deplorable, and I understood from
his letter that the old charge of flippancy had been revived against
Lalage. She must, I suppose, have disliked the man who set the
examination paper. I cannot otherwise account for the viciously
anti-clerical spirit of her answer.
The next important news I got of Lalage reached me in the spring of the
fourth year I spent in the service of somebody else’s country. It came
in a letter from Lalage herself, written on paper headed by the letters
A.T.R.S. embossed in red. She wrote:
“You’ll be glad to hear that I entered Trinity College last October and
since then have been enjoying ‘the spacious times of great Elizabeth.’
Our society, girls, is called the Elizabethan. That’s the point of the
quotation.”
I glanced at the head of the paper, but failed to see how A.T.R.S. could
possibly stand for Elizabethan Society. Lalage’s letter continued:
“There is nothing equal to a university life for broadening out the mind
and enlarging one’s horizon. I have just founded a new society called
the A.T.R.S., and the committee (Hilda, myself, and a boy called
Selby-Harrison, who got a junior ex: and is _very_ clever) is on the
lookout for members, subscription--a year, paid in advance, or life
members one pound. Our object is to check by every legitimate means the
spread of tommyrot in this country and the world generally. There is a
great deal too much of it and something ought to be done to make people
jolly well ashamed of themselves before it is too late. If the matter
is not taken in hand vigorously the country will be submerged and all
sensible people will die.”
I began to get at the meaning of the red letters. T.R. S. plainly stood
for Tommy Rot Society. The preliminary “A” could indicate nothing else
but the particle anti. The prospect before us, if Lalage is anything of
a judge, and I suppose she must be, is sufficiently serious to justify
the existence of the society.
“Each member of the committee is pledged to expose in the press by
means of scathing articles, and thus hound out of public life any man,
whatever his position, who is caught talking tommyrot. This will be done
anonymously, so as to establish a reign of terror under which no man of
any eminence will feel safe. The committee intends to begin with bishops
of all denominations. I thought this would interest you now that you are
an ambassador and engaged in fostering international complications.”
I read this with a feeling of discomfort similar to that of the
gentleman who set the examination paper on St. Paul’s epistles. There,
seemed to me to be a veiled threat in the last sentence. The committee
intended to begin with bishops, but there cannot be above sixty or
seventy bishops in Ireland altogether, even including the ex-moderators
of the Presbyterian General Assembly, not more than a hundred. An
energetic committee would certainly be able to deal with them in less
than three months. Whose turn would come next? Quite possibly the
diplomatists. I do not particularly object to the prospect of being
hounded out of public life by means of scathing articles; but I feel
that I should not be the only victim. Some of the others would certainly
resent Lalage’s action and then there would be a fuss. I have always
hated fuss of any kind.
“Only members of the committee are expected to take part in the active
propaganda of the society. Ordinary members merely subscribe. I am
sending this appeal to father, Lord Thormanby, Miss Battersby, who is
still there, and the Archdeacon, as well as to you.”
I breathed a sigh of great relief. Lalage was not threatening my
colleagues with exposure in the press.
She was merely asking for a subscription. I wrote at once, warmly
commending the objects and methods of the society. I enclosed a cheque
for five pounds with a request that I should be enrolled as five
ordinary life members. I underlined the word ordinary, and added a
postscript in which I expressly refused to act on the committee even if
elected. Lalage did not answer this letter or acknowledge the cheque. I
suppose the bishops kept her very busy.
In August that year I met Lalage again for the first time since I had
seen her off to school from the station at Drumbo. I did not recognize
her at first. Four years make a great difference in a girl when she is
passing from the age of fourteen onward. Besides, I was not in the least
expecting to see her.
Mont ‘Estoril is a watering place near the mouth of the Tagus. In spite
of the fact that some misguided people advertise its attractions and
call it the Riviera of Portugal, it is a pleasant spot to live in when
Lisbon is very hot. There are several excellent hotels there and I have
found it a good plan to migrate from the capital and settle down in Mont
‘Estoril for June, July and August. I have to go into Lisbon every day,
but this is no great hardship, for there is a convenient train service.
I usually catch what the Portuguese call a train of “great velocity” and
arrive at the Caes da Sodre railway station a few minutes after eleven
o’clock. From that I go, partly on foot, partly in a tram, to the
embassy and spend my time there in the usual way.
One morning--I have kept a note of the date; it was the ninth of
August--I saw a large crowd of people, plainly tourists, standing
together on the footpath, waiting for a tram. The sight was common
enough. Every ten days or so an enterprising steamboat company lands a
bevy of these worthy people in Lisbon. This crowd was a little larger
than usual. It was kept together by three guides who were in charge of
the party and who galloped, barking furiously, along the outskirts of
the herd whenever a wild or frightened tourist made any attempt to break
away. On the opposite side of the road were two young girls. One of
them, very prettily dressed in bright blue, was adjusting a hand camera
with the intention of photographing the tourists and attendant watchdog
guides. She did not succeed, because one of the guides recognized her
as a member of his flock and crossed the road to where she stood. I know
the man slightly. He is a cosmopolitan, a linguist of great skill, who
speaks good English, with Portuguese suavity of manner, in times of
calm, but bad English, with French excitability of gesture, when he is
annoyed. He reasoned, most politely I’m sure, with the two girls. He
wanted them to cross the road and take their places among the other
tourists. The girl in blue handed the camera to her companion, took
the cosmopolitan guide by the shoulders, pushed him across the road and
posed him in a picturesque attitude on the outskirts of the crowd. Then
she went back to take her picture. The guide, of course, followed her,
and I could see by the vehemence of his shrugs and gesticulations that
his temper had given way. I guessed that his English must have been
almost unintelligible. The scene interested me and I stood still to see
how it would end. The girl in the blue dress changed her intention and
tried to photograph the excited interpreter while he gesticulated. I
sympathized with her wish. His attitudes were all well worth preserving.
If she had been armed with phonograph as well as a camera she might have
secured a really valuable record. The man, to my knowledge, speaks eight
languages, all equally badly, and when he mixes them he is well worth
listening to. In order to get him into focus the girl in the blue dress
kept backing away from him, holding the camera level and gazing into the
view finder. The man, gesticulating more wildly than ever, followed
her. She moved more and more rapidly away from him until at last she
was proceeding backward along the street at a rapid trot. In the end she
bumped against me. I staggered and clutched at my hat. She turned, and,
without appearing in the least put out, began to apologize. Then her
face lit with a sudden smile of recognition.
“Oh,” she said, “it’s you?”
I recognized the voice and then the face. I also retained my presence of
mind.
“Begging a person’s pardon,” I said, “when we tread on their toes is a
polite and reasonable thing to do.”
Lalage may have recognized the quotation, although I do not think I had
it quite right. She certainly smiled agreeably. But she had no time to
waste on exchanging reminiscences.
“Just make that idiot stand where he is for a moment,” she said, “till
I get him photographed. I wouldn’t miss him for pounds. He’s quite
unique.”
The interpreter protested volubly in Portuguese mixed with Spanish and
French. He was, so he told me, placed in charge of the tourists by the
steamboat company which had brought them to Lisbon. If one of them got
lost he would have to answer for it, answer for it with his head, and
the senora, the two exceedingly headstrong senoras, would get lost
unless they could be penned in with the rest of his flock.
I glanced at Lalage several times while the interpreter harangued us,
and noticed that she had grown into an extremely pretty girl. She, it
seemed, was also taking stock of me.
“You’ve improved,” she said. “Your moustache has broadened out. If that
monkey on a stick won’t be photographed I wish you’d hunt him away out
of this. I don’t know any Portuguese swears or I’d do it myself.”
I explained to the interpreter that he need be under no anxiety about
the headstrong senoras. I myself would be responsible for them, and
would, if necessary, answer for their safety with my head. He departed,
doubtful and ill content. He was probably satisfied that I was capable
of looking after Lalage, but he dreaded the effect of her example on the
rest of his flock. They too might escape.
“This,” said Lalage, leading me up to the other girl, who wore a pink
dress, “is Hilda. You’ve heard of Hilda.”
Hilda’s name was printed on my memory. She is one of the three members
of the committee of the A.T.R.S. I shook hands with her and asked for
Selby-Harrison.
“You haven’t surely,” I said, “come without Selby-Harrison, who won the
junior ex.? The committee ought to hold together.”
“We intended to bring him,” said Lalage, “but there were difficulties.
The Archdeacon heard about it----”
“That Archdeacon again!” I said.
“And told father that it wouldn’t do at all. Did you ever hear such
nonsense? I shouldn’t have minded that, but Hilda’s mother struck too.
It ended in our having to bring poor old Pussy with us as chaperon.”
“Pussy?”
“Yes, The original Cat, Miss Battersby. You can’t have forgotten her,
surely? It happened that she was getting her holidays just as we had
arranged to start, so we took her instead of Selby-Harrison, which
satisfied the Archdeacon and Hilda’s mother.”
“I am so glad to hear you call her ‘Pussy’ now,” I said. “I always hoped
you would.”
“She’s really not a bad sort,” said Lalage, “when you get to know her.
She did us very little harm on the steamer. She was sick the whole
way out, so we just put her in the top berth of our cabin and left her
there.”
“Is she there still?”
Hilda giggled. Lalage looked slightly annoyed.
“Of course not,” she said. “We aren’t cruel. We hauled her out this
morning and dressed her. It was rather a job but we did it. We took her
ashore with us--each holding one arm, for she was frightfully staggery
at first--and made her smuggle our cigarettes for us through the
custom-house. No one would suspect her of having cigarettes. By the way,
she has them still. They’re in a large pocket which I sewed on the
inside of her petticoat. She’s over there in the crowd. Would you very
much mind getting----?”
“I couldn’t possibly,” I said hastily. “She’d be almost certain to
object, especially with all those people standing round. You must wait
till you get to an hotel and then undress her again yourselves.”
“Don’t be an ass,” said Lalage. “I don’t want you to get the cigarettes.
I want you to rescue Pussy herself. It wouldn’t be at all fair to allow
her to be swept away in that crowd. We’d never see her again.”
I did not much care for undertaking this task either, though it was
certainly easier than the other. The polyglot guide would, I felt sure,
deeply resent the rape of another of his charges.
“Couldn’t Hilda do that?” I said. “After all, she’s a member of the
committee. I’m not. And you told me distinctly that ordinary members
were not expected to do anything except subscribe.”
“Go on, Hilda,” said Lalage.
I suppose Lalage must be president of the A.T.R.S. and be possessed
of autocratic powers. Hilda crossed the road without a murmur.
Selby-Harrison, I have no doubt, would have acted in the same way if he
had been here.
“And now, Lalage,” I said, “you must tell me what brings you to
Portugal.”
“To see you,” said Lalage promptly.
“It’s very nice of you to say that,” I said, “and I feel greatly
flattered.”
“Hilda was all for Oberammergau, and Selby-Harrison wanted Normandy.
He said there were churches and things there but I think churches are
rather rot, don’t you?”
“Besides,” I said, “after the way the society has been treating bishops
it would hardly be decent to accept their hospitality by wandering about
through their churches. Any bishop, especially if he’d been driven out
of public life by a series of scathing articles, published anonymously,
would have a genuine grievance if you----”
“It was really that which decided us on coming here,” said Lalage.
“Quite right. There is a most superior kind of bishop here, a Patriarch,
and I am sure that anything you publish about him in the Portuguese
papers----”
“You don’t understand what I mean. You’re getting stupid, I think. I’m
not talking about bishops. I’m talking about you.”
“Don’t bother about taking up my case until you’ve quite finished the
bishops. I am a young man still, with years and years before me in which
I shall no doubt talk a lot of tommyrot. It would be a pity to drive
me out of public life before I’ve said anything which you can really
scathe.”
“We thought,” said Lalage, “that as it didn’t much matter to us where we
went we might as well come out to see you. You were the only person who
gave a decent ‘sub’ to the society. I’ll explain our new idea to you
later on.”
“I’m very glad I did,” I said. “If another fiver would bring
Selby-Harrison by the next steamer--Hullo! Here’s Hilda back with Miss
Battersby. I hardly thought she’d have succeeded in getting her. How do
you do, Miss Battersby? I’m delighted to welcome you to Lisbon, and I
must do my best for you now you’re here. I’m quite at your disposal for
the day.”
Miss Battersby smiled feebly. She had not yet recovered from the effects
of the sea voyage.
“First,” said Lalage, “we’ll go to an hotel.”
“Of course,” I said, “to get the cigarettes.”
“No,” said Lalage; “to let Miss Battersby get to bed. She wants to get
to bed, doesn’t she, Hilda?”
Hilda, who was supporting Miss Battersby, and so in a position to judge
of her condition, nodded.
“She’s frightfully weak,” said Lalage to me, “on account of not having
eaten anything except two water biscuits and an apple for nearly a
week.”
“In that case,” I said, “a little luncheon----”
“Could you eat luncheon?” said Lalage to Miss Battersby.
Miss Battersby seemed to wish to try.
“Could she, Hilda?” said Lalage. “It’s a long time since she has.”
“She must make a beginning some day,” I said.
“I still think she’d be better in bed,” said Lalage.
“After lunch,” I said firmly. “You ought not to be vindictive, Lalage.
It’s a long time since that trouble about the character of Mary.”
“I’m not thinking of that,” said Lalage.
“And she’s not a bishop. Why should you starve her?”
“Very well,” said Lalage. “Do whatever you like, but don’t blame me
afterward if she’s---- she was, on the steamer, horribly.”
We fed Miss Battersby on some soup, a fragment of fried fish and a glass
of light wine. She evidently wanted to eat an omelette as well, but
Lalage forbade this. Whether she was actually put to bed afterward or
merely laid down I do not know. She must have been at least partially
undressed, for Lalage and Hilda were plentifully supplied with
cigarettes during the afternoon.