DINNER TO CAPTAIN ROUS.]
Such, we are credibly assured, was the determination of these liberal and
enlightened leathers. They had heard frequent whispers of a general
indisposition on the part of all lovers of consistency to stand in their
master's shoes, and taking the insult to themselves, they lately came to
the resolution of cutting the connexion. They felt that his liberality and
his boots were all that constituted the idea of Burdett; and now that he
had forsaken his old party and joined Peel's, the "tops" magnanimously
decided to forsake him, and force him to take to--Wellingtons. We have been
favoured with a report of the conversation that took place upon the
occasion, and may perhaps indulge our readers with a copy of it next week.
In the mean time, we beg to subjoin a few lines, suggested by the
circumstance of Burdett taking the chair at Rous's feast, which strongly
remind us of Byron's Vision of Belshazzar.
Burdett was in the chair--
The Tories throng'd the hall--
A thousand lamps were there,
O'er that mad festival.
His crystal cup contain'd
The grape-blood of the Rhine;
Draught after draught he drain'd,
To drown his thoughts in wine.
In that same hour and hall
A shade like "Glory" came,
And wrote upon the wall
The records of his shame.
And at its fingers traced
The words, as with a wand,
The traitorous and debased
Upraised his palsied hand.
And in his chair he shook,
And could no more rejoice;
All bloodless wax'd his look,
And tremulous his voice.
"What words are those appear,
To mar my fancied mirth!
What bringeth 'Glory' here
To tell of faded worth?"
"False renegade! thy name
Was once the star which led
The free; but, oh! what shame
Encircles now thine head!
Thou'rt in the balance weigh'd,
And worthless found at last.
All! all! thou hast betray'd!"--
And so the spirit pass'd.
* * * * *
PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. VI.
[Illustration:
ANIMAL MAGNETISM:
SIR RHUBARB PILL MESMERISING THE BRITISH LION.]
* * * * *
SUPREME COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH.
PAT V. THE WHIG JUSTICE COMPANY.
This is a cause of thorough orthodox equity standing, having commenced
before the time of legal memory, with every prospect of obtaining a final
decree on its merits somewhere about the next Greek Kalends. In the present
term,
COUNSELLOR BAYWIG moved, on the part of the plaintiff, who sues _in formâ
pauperis_, for an injunction to restrain the Whig Justice Company from
setting a hungry Scotchman--one of their own creatures, without local or
professional knowledge--over the lands of which the plaintiff is the legal,
though unfortunately not the beneficial owner, as keeper and head manager
thereof, to the gross wrong of the tenants, the depreciation of the lands
themselves, the further reduction of the funds standing in the name of the
cause, the insult to the feelings and the disregard of the rights of
gentlemen living on the estate, and perfectly acquainted with its
management; and finally, to an unblushing and barefaced denial of justice
to all parties. The learned counsel proceeded to state, that the company,
in order to make an excuse for thus saddling the impoverished estates with
an additional incubus, had committed a double wrong, by forcing from the
office a man eminently qualified to discharge its functions--who had lived
and grown white with honourable years in the actual discharge of these
functions--and by thrusting into his place their own needy retainer, who,
instead of being the propounder of the laws which govern the estates, would
be merely the apprentice to learn them; and this too at a time when the
company was on the eve of bankruptcy, and when the possession which they
had usurped so long was about to pass into the hands of their official
assignees.
LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--What authorities can you cite for this application?
COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.--My lord, I fear the cases are, on the whole, rather
adverse to us. Men have, undoubtedly, been chosen to administer the laws of
this fine estate, and to guard it from waste, who have studied its customs,
been thoroughly learned in its statistics, and interested, by blood and
connexion, in its prosperity; but this number is very small. However, when
injustice of the most grievous kind is manifest, it should not be continued
merely because it is the custom, or because it is an "old institution of
the country."
LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--I am quite astonished at your broaching such
abominable doctrines here, sir. You a lawyer, and yet talk of justice in a
Court of Equity! By Bacon, Blackstone, and Eldon, 'tis marvellous! Mr.
Baywig, if you proceed, I shall feel it my duty to commit you for a
contempt of court.
COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.--My lord, in that case I decline the honour of
addressing your lordship further; but certainly my poor client is wronged
in his land, in himself, and in his kindred. It is shocking personal insult
added to terrible pecuniary punishment.
LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.--_Serve_ him right! We dismiss the application with
costs.
* * * * *
THE ADVANTAGES OF STYLE.
Some of the uninitiated in the art and mystery of book-making conceive the
chief tax must be upon the compiler's brain. We give the following as a
direct proof to the contrary--one that has the authority of Lord Hamlet,
who summed the matter up in three
"Words! Words! Words!"
In one column we give a common-place household and familiar term--in the
other we render it into the true Bulwerian phraseology:
Does your mother know | Is your maternal parent's natural solicitude
you are out? | allayed by the information, that you have for
| the present vacated your domestic roof?
|
You don't lodge here, | You are geographically and statistically
Mr. Ferguson. | misinformed; this is by no means the
| accustomed place of your occupancy, Mr.
| Ferguson.
|
See! there he goes | Behold! he proceeds totally deprived of one
with his eye out. | moiety of his visual organs!
|
Don't you wish you | Pray confess, are you not really particularly
may get it? | anxious to obtain the desired object?
|
More t'other. | Infinitely, peculiarly, and most intensely
| the entire extreme and the absolute reverse.
|
|
Quite different. | Dissimilar as the far-extended poles, or the
| deep-tinctured ebon skins of the dark
| denizens of Sol's sultry plains and the fair
| rivals of descending flakes of virgin snow,
| melting with envy on the peerless breast of
| fair Circassia's ten-fold white-washed
| daughters.
|
Over the left. | Decidedly in the ascendant of the sinister.
* * * * *
From the nobleman who is selected to move the address in the House of
Lords, it would seem that the Whigs, tired of any further experiments in
turning their coats, are about to try what effect they can produce with an
_old Spencer_.
* * * * *
As the weather is to decide the question of the corn-laws, the rains that
have lately fallen may be called, with truth, the _reins_ of government.
* * * * *
SPORTING IN DOWNING STREET.
"COME OUT--WILL YOU!"
The extraordinary attachment which the Whigs have displayed for office has
been almost without parallel in the history of ministerial fidelity.
Zoologists talk of the local affection of cats, but in what animal shall we
discover such a strong love of place as in the present government? Lord
John is a very badger in the courageous manner in which he has resisted the
repeated attacks of the Tory terriers. The odds, however, are too great for
even _his_ powers of defence; he has given some of the most forward of the
curs who have tried to drag him from his burrow some shrewd bites and
scratches that they will not forget in a hurry; but, overpowered by
numbers, he must "come out" at last, and yield the victory to his numerous
persecutors, who will, no doubt, plume themselves upon their dexterity at
drawing a badger.
* * * * *
PUNCH'S EXTRA DRAMATIC INTELLIGENCE
(BY THE CORRESPONDENT OF THE OBSERVER.)
The dramatic world has been in a state of bustle all the week, and parties
are going about declaring--not that we put any faith in what they say--that
Macready has already given a large sum for a manuscript. If he has done
this, we think he is much to blame, unless he has very good reasons, as he
most likely has, for doing so; and if such is the case, though we doubt the
policy of the step, there can be no question of his having acted very
properly in taking it. His lease begins in October, when, it is said, he
will certainly open, if he can; but, as he positively cannot, the reports
of his opening are rather premature, to say the least of them. For our
parts, we never think of putting any credit in what we hear, but we give
everything just as it reaches us.
* * * * *
THE MONEY MARKET
Tin is twopence a hundredweight dearer at Hamburgh than at Paris, which
gives an exchange of 247 mille in favour of the latter capital.
A good deal of conversation has been excited by a report of its being
intended by some parties in the City to establish a Bank of Issue upon
equitable principles. The plan is a novel one, for there is to be no
capital actually subscribed, it being expected that sufficient assets will
be derived from the depositors. Shares are to be issued, to which a nominal
price will be attached, and a dividend is to be declared immediately.
The association for supplying London with periwinkles does not progress
very rapidly. A wharf has been taken; but nothing more has been done, which
is, we believe, caused by the difficulty found in dealing with existing
interests.
* * * * *
SIGNS OF THE TIMES.
The Tories are coming into office, and the Parliament House is surrounded
with scaffolds!
* * * * *
TO BAKERS AND FISHMONGERS.
Want places, in either of the above lines, three highly practical and
experienced hands, fully capable and highly accomplished in the arduous
duties of "looking after any quantity of loaves and fishes." A ten years'
character can be produced from their last places, which they leave because
the concern is for the present disposed of to persons equally capable. No
objection to look after the till. Wages not so much an object as an
extensive trade, the applicants being desirous of keeping their hands in.
Apply to Messrs. Russell, Melbourne, and Palmerston, Downing-street
Without.
* * * * *
"It is very odd," said Sergeant Channell to Thessiger, "that Tindal should
have decided against me on that point of law which, to me, seemed as plain
as A B C." "Yes," replied Thessiger, "but of what use is it that it should
have been A B C to you, if the judge was determined to be D E F to it?"
* * * * *
CLEVER ROGUES.
The _Belfast Vindicator_ has a story of a sailor who pledged a sixpence for
threepence, having it described on the duplicate ticket as "a piece of
silver plate of beautiful workmanship," by which means he disposed of the
ticket for two-and-sixpence. The Tories are so struck with this display of
congenial roguery, that they intend pawning their "BOB," and having him
described as "a rare piece of vertu(e) _première qualité_" in the
expectation of securing a _crown_ by it.
* * * * *
MUNTZ ON THE STATE OF THE CROPS.
Mr. Muntz requests us to state, in answer to numerous inquiries as to the
motives which induce him to cultivate his beard, that he is actuated purely
by a spirit of economy, having, for the last few years, _grown his own
mattresses_, a practice which he earnestly recommends to the attention of
all prudent and hirsute individuals. He finds, by experience, that nine
square inches of chin will produce, on an average, about a sofa per annum.
The whiskers, if properly attended to, may be made to yield about an easy
chair in the same space of time; whilst luxuriant moustachios will give a
pair of anti-rheumatic attrition gloves every six months. Mr. M.
recommends, as the best mode of cultivation for barren soils, to plough
with a cat's-paw, and manure with Macassar.
* * * * *
The Earl of Stair has been created Lord Oxenford. Theodore Hook thinks that
the more appropriate title for a _Stair_, in raising him a step higher,
would have been Lord _Landing-place_, or Viscount _Bannister_.
* * * * *
LORD MELBOURNE'S LETTER-BAG.
The Augean task of cleansing the Treasury has commenced, and brooms and
scrubbing-brushes are at a premium--a little anticipative, it is true, of
the approaching turn-out; but the dilatory idleness and muddle-headed
confusion of those who will soon be termed its late occupiers, rendered
this a work of absolute time and labour. That the change in office had long
been expected, is evident from the number of hoards discovered, which the
unfortunate _employés_ had saved up against the rainy day arrived. The
routing-out of this conglomeration was only equalled in trouble by the
removal of the birdlime with which the various benches were covered, and
which adhered with most pertinacious obstinacy, in spite of every effort to
get rid of it. From one of the wicker baskets used for the purpose of
receiving the torn-up letters and documents, the following papers were
extracted. We contrived to match the pieces together, and have succeeded
tolerably well in forming some connected epistles from the disjointed
fragments. We offer no comment, but allow them to speak for themselves.
They are selected at random from dozens of others, with which the poor man
must have been overwhelmed during the past two months:--
1.
MY LORD,--In the present critical state of your lordship's situation, it
behoves every lover of his country and her friends, to endeavour to
assuage, as much as possible, the awkward predicament in which your
lordship and colleagues will soon be thrown. My dining-rooms in
Broad-street, St. Giles's, have long been held in high estimation by my
customers, for
[Illustration: BEEF A-LA-MODE;]
and I can offer you an excellent basin of leg-of-beef soup, with bread and
potatoes, for threepence. Imitated by all, equalled by none.
N.B. Please observe the address--Broad-street, St. Giles's.
2.
A widow lady, superintendent of a boarding-house, in an airy and cheerful
part of Kentish Town, will be happy to receive Lord Melbourne as an inmate,
when an ungrateful nation shall have induced his retirement from office.
Her establishment is chiefly composed of single ladies, addicted to
backgammon, birds, and bible meetings, who would, nevertheless, feel
delighted in the society of a man of Lord Melbourne's acknowledged
gallantry. The dinner-table is particularly well furnished, and a rubber is
generally got up every evening, at which Lord M. could play long penny
points if he wished it.
Address S.M., Post-office, Kentish Town.
3.
Grosjean, Restaurateur, _Castle-street, Leicester-square_, a l'honneur de
prévenir Milord Melbourne qu'il se trouvera bien servi à son établissement.
Il peut commander un bon potage an choux, trois plats, avec pain à
discretion, et une pinte de demi-et-demi; enfin, il pourra parfaitement
avoir ses sacs soufflés[4] pour un schilling. La société est très
comme-il-faut, et on ne donne rien au garçon.
[4] French idiom--"He will be well able to blow his bags
out!"--PUNCH, with the assistance of his friend in the
show--the foreign gentleman.
4.
(Rose-coloured paper, scented. At first supposed to be from a lady of the
bedchamber, but contradicted by the sequel.)
Flattering deceiver, and man of many loves,
My fond heart still clings to your cherished memory. Why have I listened to
the honied silver of your seducing accents? Your adored image haunts me
night and day. How is the treasury?--can you still spare me ten shillings?
YOURS,
AMANDA.
5.
JOHN MARVAT respectfully begs to offer to the notice of Lord Melbourne his
Bachelor's Dispatch, or portable kitchen. It will roast, bake, boil, stew,
steam, melt butter, toast bread, and diffuse a genial warmth at one and the
same time, for the outlay of one halfpenny. It is peculiarly suited for
_lamb_, in any form, which requires delicate dressing, and is admirably
adapted for concocting mint-sauce, which delightful adjunct Lord Melbourne
may, ere long, find some little difficulty in procuring.
High Holborn.
6.
May it plese my Lord,--i have gest time to Rite and let you kno' wot a sad
plite we are inn, On account off your lordship's inwitayshun to queen
Wictory and Prince Allbut to come and Pick a bit with you, becos There is
nothink for them wen they comes, and the Kitchin-range is chok'd up with
the sut as has falln down the last fore yeers, and no poletry but too old
cox, which is two tuff to be agreerble; But, praps, we Can git sum cold
meet from the in, wot as bin left at the farmers' markut-dinner; and may I
ask you my lord without fear of your
[Illustration: TAKING A FENCE]
on the reseat of this To send down sum ham and beef to me--two pound will
be Enuff--or a quarter kitt off pickuld sammun, if you can git it, and I
wish you may; and sum german silver spoons, to complement prince Allbut
with; and, praps, as he and his missus knos they've come to Take pot-luck
like, they won't be patickler, and I think we had better order the beer
from the Jerry-shop, for owr own Is rayther hard, and the brooer says, that
a fore and a harf gallon, at sixpence A gallon, won't keep no Time, unless
it's drunk; and so we guv some to the man as brort the bushel of coles, and
he sed It only wanted another Hop, and then it woud have hopped into water;
and John is a-going to set some trimmers in The ditches to kitch some fish;
and, praps, if yure lordship comes, you may kitch sum too, from
Yure obedient Humbl servent and housekeeper,
MISSES RUMMIN.
7.
MY LORD,--Probably your cellars will be full of choke-damp when the door is
opened, from long disuse and confined air. I have men, accustomed to
descend dangerous wells and shafts, who will undertake the job at a
moderate price. Should you labour under any temporary pecuniary
embarrassment in paying me, I shall be happy to take it out in your wine,
which I should think had been some years in bottle. Your Lordship's most
humble servant,
RICHARD ROSE,
Dealer in Marine Stores.
Gray's-inn-lane.
* * * * *
LAYS OF THE LAZY.
I've wander'd on the distant shore,
I've braved the dangers of the deep,
I've very often pass'd the Nore--
At Greenwich climb'd the well-known steep;
I've sometimes dined at Conduit House,
I've taken at Chalk Farm my tea,
I've at the Eagle talk'd with Rouse--
But I have NOT _forgotten thee_!
"I've stood amid the glittering throng"
Of mountebanks at Greenwich fair,
Where I have heard the Chinese gong
Filling, with brazen voice, the air.
I've join'd wild revellers at night--
I've crouch'd beneath the old oak tree,
Wet through, and in a pretty plight,
But, oh! I've NOT _forgotten thee_!
I've earn'd, at times, a pound a week--
Alas! I'm earning nothing now;
Chalk scarcely shames my whiten'd cheek,
Grief has plough'd furrows in my brow.
I only get one meal a day,
And that one meal--oh, God!--my tea;
I'm wasting silently away,
But I have NOT _forgotten thee_!
My days are drawing to their end--
I've now, alas! no end in view;
I never had a real friend--
I wear a worn-out black _surtout_,
My heart is darken'd o'er with woe,
My trousers whiten'd at the knee,
My boot forgets to hide my toe--
But I have NOT _forgotten thee_!
* * * * *
MATERNAL SOLICITUDE.
The business habits of her gracious Majesty have long been the theme of
admiration with her loving subjects. A further proof of her attention to
general affairs, and consideration for the accidents of the future, has
occurred lately. The lodge at Frogmore, which was, during the lifetime of
Queen Charlotte, an out-of-town nursery for little highnesses, has been
constructed (by command of the Queen) into a Royal Eccalleobion for a
similar purpose.
[Illustration: FAMILIES SUPPLIED.]
* * * * *
WIT WITHOUT MONEY:
OR, HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING.
BY VAMPYRE HORSELEECH, ESQ
CHAPTER II.
"A clever fellow, that Horseleech!" "When Vampyre is once drawn out, what a
great creature it is!" These, and similar ecstatic eulogiums, have I
frequently heard murmured forth from muzzy mouths into tinged and tingling
ears, as I have been leaving a company of choice spirits. There never was a
greater mistake. Horseleech, to be candid, far from being a clever fellow,
is one of the most barren rascals on record. Vampyre, whether drawn out or
held in, is a poor creature, not a great creature--opaque, not luminous--in
a word, by nature, a very dull dog indeed.
But you see the necessity of appearing otherwise.--Hunger may be said to
be a moral Mechi, which invents a strop upon which the bluntest wits are
sharpened to admiration. Believe me, by industry and perseverance--which
necessity will inevitably superinduce--the most dreary dullard that ever
carried timber between his shoulders in the shape of a head, may speedily
convert himself into a seeming Sheridan--a substitutional Sydney Smith--a
second Sam Rogers, without the drawback of having written Jacqueline.
Take it for granted that no professed diner-out ever possessed a particle
of native wit. His stock-in-trade, like that of Field-lane chapmen, is all
plunder. Not a joke issues from his mouth, but has shaken sides long since
quiescent. Whoso would be a diner-out must do likewise.
The real diner-out is he whose card-rack or mantelpiece (I was going to say
groans, but) laughingly rejoices in respectful well-worded invitations to
luxuriously-appointed tables. I count not him, hapless wretch! as one who,
singling out "a friend," drops in just at pudding-time, and ravens horrible
remnants of last Tuesday's joint, cognizant of curses in the throat of his
host, and of intensest sable on the brows of his hostess. No struggle
there, on the part of the children, "to share the good man's knee;" but
protruded eyes, round as spectacles, and almost as large, fixed alternately
upon his flushed face and that absorbing epigastrium which is making their
miserable flesh-pot to wane most wretchedly.
To be jocose is not the sole requisite of him who would fain be a universal
diner-out. Lively with the light--airy with the sparkling--brilliant with
the blithe, he must also be grave with the serious--heavy with the
profound--solemn with the stupid. He must be able to snivel with the
sentimental--to condole with the afflicted--to prove with the practical--to
be a theorist with the speculative.
To be jocose is his most valuable acquisition. As there is a tradition that
birds may be caught by sprinkling salt upon their tails, so the best and
the most numerous dinners are secured by a judicious management of Attic
salt.
I fear me that the works of Josephus, and of his imitators--of that Joseph
and his brethren, I mean, whom a friend of mine calls "_The_ Miller and his
men"--I fear me, I say, that these are well-nigh exhausted. Yet I have
known very ancient jokes turned with advantage, so as to look almost equal
to new. But this requires long practice, ere the final skill be attained.
Etherege, Sedley, Wycherley, and Vanbrugh are very little read, and were
pretty fellows in their day; I think they may be safely consulted, and
rendered available. But, have a care. Be sure you mingle some of your own
dulness with their brighter matter, or you will overshoot the mark. You
will be too witty--a fatal error. True wits eat no dinners, save of their
own providing; and, depend upon it, it is not their wit that will
now-a-days get them their dinner. True wits are feared, not fed.
When you tell an anecdote, never ascribe it to a man well known. The time
is gone by for dwelling upon--"Dean Swift said"--"Quin, the actor,
remarked"--"The facetious Foote was once"--"That reminds me of what
Sheridan"--"Ha! ha! Sydney Smith was dining the other day with"--and the
like. Your ha! ha!--especially should it precede the name of Sam
Rogers--would inevitably cost you a hecatomb of dinners. It would be
changed into oh! oh! too surely, and too soon. _Verbum sat_.
I would have you be careful to _sort_ your pleasantries. Your soup jokes
(never hazard that one about Marshal _Turenne_, it is really _too_
ancient,) your fish, your flesh, your fowl jests--your side-shakers for the
side dishes--your puns for the pastry--your after-dinner excruciators.