The first day out: Steward--Did you ring, sir? Traveler--Yes, steward,
I--I rang. Steward--Anything I can bring you, sir? Traveler--Y-yes,
st-steward. Bub-bring me a continent, if you have one, or an
island--anything, steward, so l-lul-long as it's solid. If you can't,
sus-sink the ship.--_Harper's Bazar._
* * * * *
Van Dyke--As the boat left the dock I waved my handkerchief, and then a
most curious thing happened. Forney--What was it? Van Dyke--The ocean
waved back.--_Truth._
* * * * *
Uneasy Passenger (on an ocean steamship)--Doesn't the vessel tip
frightfully? Dignified Steward--The wessel, mum, is trying to set hexample
to the passengers.--_Chicago Tribune._
* * * * *
Jinks--I can't understand how shipwrecked sailors ever starve to death.
Filkins--Why not? Jinks--Because I just came over from Liverpool and I
never felt any desire to eat.--_Puck._
* * * * *
Lady (to sea captain)--How do you manage to find your way across the
ocean? Captain--By the compass. The needle always points to north.
Lady--But suppose you wish to go south?--_London Tit-Bits._
* * * * *
Nervous Passenger--Why are you steaming along at such a fearful rate
through this fog? Ocean Captain (reassuringly)--Fogs are dangerous, madam,
and I'm always in a hurry to get out of them.--_New York Weekly._
* * * * *
"This is your sixth trip across the ocean in winter, is it?" said the
timid passenger. "Are you never oppressed by a fear that the ship will run
into an iceberg and sink?" "Never, madam," replied the business-like
passenger briskly; "I never invest a cent in ships."--_Chicago Tribune._
* * * * *
Two ministers were crossing a lake in a storm. When matters became most
critical some one cried out: "The two ministers must pray!" "Na, na," said
the boatman; "the little ane can pray if he likes, but the big ane maun
tak' an oar."--_Century._
* * * * *
A judge, in crossing the Irish Channel one stormy night, knocked against a
well-known witty lawyer who was suffering terribly from seasickness. "Can
I do anything for you?" said the judge. "Yes," gasped the seasick lawyer;
"I wish your lordship would overrule this motion!"--_White Mountain Echo._
* * * * *
"My dear, look down below," said Mr. Grandiose, as he stood on deck with
his wife and gazed at a tug hauling a long line of barges. "Such is life;
the tug is like the man, working and toiling, while the barges, like
women, are----" "I know," interrupted Mrs. G. acridly, "the tug does all
the blowing, and the barges bear all the burden."--_Charleston News._
* * * * *
The bishop thought the capful of wind was an Atlantic storm, and worried
the captain by asking constantly if there was danger. The captain led his
lordship to the hatch over the fo'cs'le. "You hear the crew swearing," he
said. "Do you think those men would use such oaths if there was danger of
their meeting death?" The sun set in an angry storm-torn sky, the wind
rose higher yet, and the good steamer pitched and rolled and groaned and
creaked. It was midnight, and a portly figure crept forward to the
fo'cs'le hatch. "Thank heaven," murmured the bishop, "those men are
swearing yet."--_New York Mercury._
How They Got On In The World.
Brief Biographies of Successful Men Who Have Passed Through
the Crucible of Small Beginnings and Won Out.
_Compiled and edited for_ THE SCRAP BOOK.