'Put him up? For my clubs?'
'No, no! Darling Motty is essentially a home bird. Aren't you, Motty,
darling?'
Motty, who was sucking the knob of his stick, uncorked himself.
'Yes, mother,' he said, and corked himself up again.
'I should not like him to belong to clubs. I mean put him up here. Have
him to live with you while I am away.'
These frightful words trickled out of her like honey. The woman simply
didn't seem to understand the ghastly nature of her proposal. I gave
Motty the swift east-to-west. He was sitting with his mouth nuzzling
the stick, blinking at the wall. The thought of having this planted on
me for an indefinite period appalled me. Absolutely appalled me, don't
you know. I was just starting to say that the shot wasn't on the board
at any price, and that the first sign Motty gave of trying to nestle
into my little home I would yell for the police, when she went on,
rolling placidly over me, as it were.
There was something about this woman that sapped one's will-power.
'I am leaving New York by the midday train, as I have to pay a visit
to Sing-Sing prison. I am extremely interested in prison conditions
in America. After that I work my way gradually across to the coast,
visiting the points of interest on the journey. You see, Mr Wooster,
I am in America principally on business. No doubt you read my book,
_India and the Indians_? My publishers are anxious for me to write a
companion volume on the United States. I shall not be able to spend
more than a month in the country, as I have to get back for the season,
but a month should be ample. I was less than a month in India, and my
dear friend Sir Roger Cremorne wrote his _America from Within_ after a
stay of only two weeks. I should love to take dear Motty with me, but
the poor boy gets so sick when he travels by train. I shall have to
pick him up on my return.'
From where I sat I could see Jeeves in the dining-room, laying the
breakfast-table. I wished I could have had a minute with him alone.
I felt certain that he would have been able to think of some way of
putting a stop to this woman.
'It will be such a relief to know that Motty is safe with you, Mr
Wooster. I know what the temptations of a great city are. Hitherto dear
Motty has been sheltered from them. He has lived quietly with me in the
country. I know that you will look after him carefully, Mr Wooster.
He will give very little trouble.' She talked about the poor blighter
as if he wasn't there. Not that Motty seemed to mind. He had stopped
chewing his walking-stick and was sitting there with his mouth open.
'He is a vegetarian and a teetotaller and is devoted to reading. Give
him a nice book and he will be quite contented.' She got up. 'Thank
you so much, Mr Wooster. I don't know what I should have done without
your help. Come, Motty. We have just time to see a few of the sights
before my train goes. But I shall have to rely on you for most of my
information about New York, darling. Be sure to keep your eyes open and
take notes of your impressions. It will be such a help. Good-bye, Mr
Wooster. I will send Motty back early in the afternoon.'
They went out, and I howled for Jeeves.
'Jeeves!'
'Sir?'
'What's to be done? You heard it all, didn't you? You were in the
dining-room most of the time. That pill is coming to stay here.'
'Pill, sir?'
'The excrescence.'
'I beg your pardon, sir?'
I looked at Jeeves sharply. This sort of thing wasn't like him. Then I
understood. The man was really upset about that tie. He was trying to
get his own back.
'Lord Pershore will be staying here from tonight, Jeeves,' I said
coldly.
'Very good, sir. Breakfast is ready, sir.'
I could have sobbed into the bacon and eggs. That there wasn't any
sympathy to be got out of Jeeves was what put the lid on it. For a
moment I almost weakened and told him to destroy the hat and tie if he
didn't like them, but I pulled myself together again. I was dashed if I
was going to let Jeeves treat me like a bally one-man chain-gang.
But, what with brooding on Jeeves and brooding on Motty, I was in a
pretty reduced sort of state. The more I examined the situation, the
more blighted it became. There was nothing I could do. If I slung Motty
out, he would report to his mother, and she would pass it on to Aunt
Agatha, and I didn't like to think what would happen then. Sooner or
later I should be wanting to go back to England, and I didn't want
to get there and find Aunt Agatha waiting on the quay for me with a
stuffed eelskin. There was absolutely nothing for it but to put the
fellow up and make the best of it.
About midday Motty's luggage arrived, and soon afterwards a large
parcel of what I took to be nice books. I brightened up a little when
I saw it. It was one of those massive parcels and looked as if it
had enough in it to keep him busy for a year. I felt a trifle more
cheerful, and I got my Broadway Special and stuck it on my head, and
gave the pink tie a twist, and reeled out to take a bite of lunch
with one or two of the lads at a neighbouring hostelry; and what with
excellent browsing and sluicing and cheery conversation and what-not,
the afternoon passed quite happily. By dinner-time I had almost
forgotten Motty's existence.
I dined at the club and looked in at a show afterwards, and it wasn't
till fairly late that I got back to the flat. There were no signs of
Motty, and I took it that he had gone to bed.
It seemed rummy to me, though, that the parcel of nice books was still
there with the string and paper on it. It looked as if Motty, after
seeing mother off at the station, had decided to call it a day.
Jeeves came in with the nightly whisky and soda. I could tell by the
chappie's manner that he was still upset.
'Lord Pershore gone to bed, Jeeves?' I asked, with reserved hauteur and
what-not.
'No sir. His lordship has not yet returned.'
'Not returned? What do you mean?'
'His lordship came in shortly after six-thirty, and, having dressed,
went out again.'
At this moment there was a noise outside the front door, a sort of
scrabbling noise, as if somebody were trying to paw his way through the
woodwork. Then a sort of thud.
'Better go and see what that is, Jeeves.'
'Very good, sir.'
He went out and came back again.
'If you would not mind stepping this way sir, I think we might be able
to carry him in.'
'Carry him in?'
'His lordship is lying on the mat, sir.'
I went to the front door. The man was right. There was Motty huddled up
outside on the floor. He was moaning a bit.
'He's had some sort of dashed fit,' I said. I took another look.
'Jeeves! Someone's been feeding him meat!'
'Sir?'
'He's a vegetarian, you know. He must have been digging into a steak or
something. Call up a doctor!'
'I hardly think it will be necessary, sir. If you would take his
lordship's legs, while I--'
'Great Scott, Jeeves! You don't think--he can't be--'
'I am inclined to think so, sir.'
And, by Jove, he was right! Once on the right track, you couldn't
mistake it. Motty was under the surface. Completely sozzled.
It was the deuce of a shock.
'You never can tell, Jeeves!'
'Very seldom, sir.'
'Remove the eye of authority and where are you?'
'Precisely, sir.'
'Where is my wandering boy tonight and all that sort of thing, what?'
'It would seem so, sir.'
'Well, we had better bring him in, eh?'
'Yes, sir.'
So we lugged him in, and Jeeves put him to bed, and I lit a cigarette
and sat down to think the thing over. I had a kind of foreboding. It
seemed to me that I had let myself in for something pretty rocky.
Next morning, after I had sucked down a thoughtful cup of tea, I went
into Motty's room to investigate. I expected to find the fellow a
wreck, but there he was, sitting up in bed, quite chirpy, reading
_Gingery Stories_.
'What ho!' I said.
'What ho!' said Motty.
'What ho! What ho!'
'What ho! What ho! What ho!'
After that it seemed rather difficult to go on with the conversation.
'How are you feeling this morning?' I asked.
'Topping!' replied Motty, blithely and with abandon. 'I say, you know,
that fellow of yours--Jeeves, you know--is a corker. I had a most
frightful headache when I woke up, and he brought me a sort of rummy
dark drink, and it put me right again at once. Said it was his own
invention. I must see more of that lad. He seems to me distinctly one
of the ones.'
I couldn't believe that this was the same blighter who had sat and
sucked his stick the day before.
'You ate something that disagreed with you last night, didn't you?' I
said, by way of giving him a chance to slide out of it if he wanted to.
But he wouldn't have it at any price.
'No!' he replied firmly. 'I didn't do anything of the kind. I drank
too much. Much too much. Lots and lots too much. And, what's more, I'm
going to do it again. I'm going to do it every night. If ever you see
me sober, old top,' he said, with a kind of holy exaltation, 'tap me
on the shoulder and say, "Tut! Tut!" and I'll apologize and remedy the
defect.'
'But I say, you know, what about me?'
'What about you?'
'Well, I'm, so to speak, as it were, kind of responsible for you. What
I mean to say is, if you go doing this sort of thing I'm apt to get in
the soup somewhat.'
'I can't help your troubles,' said Motty firmly. 'Listen to me, old
thing: this is the first time in my life that I've had a real chance to
yield to the temptations of a great city. What's the use of a great
city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them? Makes it so
bally discouraging for the great city. Besides, mother told me to keep
my eyes open and collect impressions.'