HOW DURDANS WAS ILLUMINATED.
While these things were proceeding, Lord Chudleigh being still absent
from Durdans, I received a second letter from the Doctor.
After the usual compliments to Mrs. Esther, he proceeded to the
important part of his communication--
"_For your private eye only._
"I have to tell you that yesterday I saw and conversed with Lord
Chudleigh. He sought me in order to find out, if possible, the
name, character, and condition of a certain person. I refused to
grant him that information; I also assured him that he would find
it impossible to break the alliance with which I had provided him.
This I did with the greater pleasure, having heard from a sure
source that he hath lately paid addresses to you of so particular
a kind as to make the whole company at Epsom Wells believe that
they mean honourable proposals. I presume, therefore, that could he
destroy the evidence of his former marriage he would be prepared
to offer his hand. This is every way better than I could expect
or wish, because when the moment arrives for informing him of the
truth, I can point out to his lordship that his opinion and mine
of what a wife should be exactly agree. Our triumph will then be
complete."
Our triumph! This was what he called it. I was to be the consenting
party to inflict shame and humiliation upon my lord. This was too much.
Humiliation for him? Why, it was for myself, and my whole thoughts were
how to save him, how to set him free. The Doctor expected me to triumph
over him. Why, what did he know of a woman in love? To triumph over a
man for whose dear sake she would lay down her life to save him from
humiliation!
It was certain to my heart that my lord already felt for me that warmth
of affection which impels a man to make a woman his wife. I was sure of
this. I was so sure that I already gave myself in imagination entirely
to him, and placed his interests above my own.
In short, before I ventured to confess the fact to myself, and before
he spoke to me--for as yet he had said no word except in compliment and
common gallantry--I loved him. There was, for me, but one thing wanting
to make me happy; there was, for me, nothing to think of, to hope for,
to pray for, but the welfare of that one man. And to such a woman did
the Doctor send such a letter, proposing that I should join him in
covering him with shame and indignation. Would I thus let him choose
the moment to confess my shameful sin? Would I assist in covering the
man I loved with confusion, who would have clothed him in purple and
placed a chain about his neck, and helped him to ride forth in bravery
and triumph? Forbid the thought, kind Heaven! Oh, that a man should
have such a mind, so thick and cloudy as not to perceive that no woman
but the basest and worst could join a conspiracy so hateful! Unhappy
girl, to be made the victim of a plot in which the punishment would
fall upon herself, while the wickedness would rest with the man who
devised it, and he against whom the plot was designed would be its sole
avenger!
I resolved to be beforehand with the Doctor. I would myself choose the
time: I would tell him all: I would assure him that, innocent as I had
been in intention, I would never, never seek to assert any rights over
him; that he was free, and could go seek a wife where he pleased. Ah!
should he please to go elsewhere, it were better had I never been born.
Then, whatever moment I might choose for the confession, I could think
of none which could be chosen as favourable to myself. I might write
to him. That would be best; I would write: for how could a girl bear
to see that face, which had always looked upon her with kindness and
affection, suddenly grow hard and stern, and reproach her for her great
wickedness with looks of horror and indignation? It seemed better to
write. But, for reasons which will presently appear, that letter was
never written.
My lord returned. He called upon us next forenoon, and informed us,
looking grave and downcast, that he proposed to hold his garden-party
in Durdans Park on the next day. People had come from Vauxhall to
decorate the trees, and there would be fireworks, with supper, and
concert of horns.
I asked him, deceitfully, if his business in London had prospered. He
replied that it had not turned out so favourably as he hoped: and then
he checked himself and added that, to be sure, his affairs were of no
interest to us.
Said Mrs. Esther--
"Your lordship will not, I hope, believe that anything which
contributes to your happiness is so indifferent to us."
He bowed, and we began to talk again about his _fête_.
His invitations included all the visitors of respectability at Epsom.
Nancy, out of pure kindness, had gone about inquiring of every one if
he was invited; and, if not, she got him an invitation at once. We did
not, indeed, include the tallow-chandlers and hosiers of London, who
frequented Epsom that year in great numbers, but took up their own end
of the Assembly Rooms, and mostly walked on the New Parade. But we
included all who could claim to belong to the polite world, because
nothing is more humiliating than to be omitted from such a festivity at
a watering-place. I have known a lady of fashion retire from Bath in
mortification, being forgotten at a public tea, and never again show
her face at that modish but giddy town.
The company were to assemble at five o'clock, the place of meeting
being fixed in that part of Durdans Park most remote from the mansion,
where the great trees of birch and elm make such an agreeable
wilderness that one might fancy one's self in some vast forest. We
were escorted by Sir Miles Lackington, who came because all his
brother gamblers had deserted the card-room for the day; and Mr.
Stallabras--Solomon--was dressed in another new coat (of purple), and
wore a sword with a surprisingly fine hilt. He also had a pair of
shoe-buckles in gold, given him by his female Mæcenas, the widow of the
brewer, in return for a copy of verses. He was greatly elated, never
before having received an invitation from a person of such exalted rank.
"Now, indeed," he said, "I feel the full sweetness of fame. This it
is, Miss Kitty, to be a poet. His society is eagerly sought by the
Great: he stands serene upon the giddy height of fashion, ennobled by
the Muses (who possess, like our own august sovereign, the right of
conferring rank): he takes his place as an equal among those who are
ennobled by birth. No longer do I deplore that obscurity of origin
which once seemed to shut me out of the circles of the polite. Fetter
Lane may not be concealed in my biography: it should rather be held up
to fame as the place in which the sunshine of Apollo's favour (Apollo,
Miss Kitty, was the sun-god as well as the god of poets, which makes
the image appropriate)--the sunshine of Apollo has once rested during
the birth of an humble child. It was at number forty-one in the second
pair back, a commodious garret, that the child destined to immortality
first saw the light. No bees (so far as I can learn) played about his
cradle, nor did any miracles of precocious genius foreshadow his future
greatness. But, with maternal prescience, his mother named him Solomon."
All this because Nancy made Lord Chudleigh send him an invitation! Yet
I doubt whether his lordship had ever read one of his poems.
"It is a great blessing for a man to be a poet," said Sir Miles,
smiling. "If I were a poet I dare say I should believe that my acres
were my own again. If I were a poet I should believe that luck would
last."
"Does the name of Kitty cease to charm?" I asked.
Yes, it was true: Sir Miles had lost his five hundred guineas, won
of the nabob, and was now reduced to punt at a guinea a night. This
hardship made him melancholy.
"Yet," he said, plucking up, "if I cannot play, I can drink. Why, my
jolly poet," slapping Solomon on the shoulder, "we will presently toast
Miss Kitty as long as his lordship's champagne lasts."
Mrs. Esther said that she saw no reason why, because one vice was no
longer possible, another should take its place.
"Madam," said the baronet, "it is not that I love one more than the
other. When the purse is full, Hazard is my only queen. When the purse
is empty, I call for the bowl."
In such converse we entered the park, and followed in the procession of
visitors, who flocked to the place of meeting, where, under the trees,
like another Robin Hood, Lord Chudleigh stood to receive his guests.
Kind fortune has taken me to many feasts and rejoicings since that
day, but there are none to which my memory more fondly and tenderly
reverts; for here, amid the sweet scent of woodland flowers, under
the umbrageous trees, while the air of the Downs, fragrant and fresh,
fanned our cheeks, my lord became my lover, and I knew that he was mine
for ever, in that sweet bond of union which shall only be exchanged
by death for another of more perfect love, through God's sweet grace.
Ah, day of days! whose every moment lives eternally in our hearts!
Sometimes I think that there will hereafter be no past at all, but that
the sinner shall be punished by the ever-present shame of his sins,
and the saints rewarded by the continual presence of great and noble
thoughts.
Horns were stationed at various parts of the park, and while we drank
tea, served to us at rustic tables beneath the trees, these answered
one another in lively or plaintive strains. The tea finished, we
danced to the music of violins, on a natural lawn, as level as a
bowling-green, which seemed made for the feet of fairies. After an hour
of minuets, the country dances began, and were carried on until sunset.
Then for a while we roamed beneath the trees, and watched the twilight
grow darker, and presently rose the great yellow harvest moon.
"In such a scene," said Solomon, who was discoursing to a bevy of
ladies, "man shrinks from speaking; he is mute: his tongue cleaves
to his palate"--at all events, the poet was not mute--"here nature
proclaims the handiwork of the Creator." He tapped his forehead
reflectively.
"Great Nature speaks: confused the sceptic flies;
Rocks, woods, and stars sing truth to all the skies."
All the while the concert of the horns charmed the ear, while the
romantic aspect of the woods by night elevated the soul. When we
returned to our lawn we were delighted and surprised to find coloured
lamps hanging from the trees, already lit, imparting a look most
magical and wonderful, so that we cried aloud for joy. Nor was this
all: the tables were laid for supper with every delicacy that our noble
host could think of or provide.
Everybody was happy that evening. I think that even Peggy Baker forgot
her jealousies, and forgave me for the moment when Lord Chudleigh gave
as a toast "The Queen of the Wells," and all the gentlemen drained a
bumper in honour of Kitty Pleydell.
While the supper went on, a choir of voices sang glees and madrigals.
Never was party more enchanting: never was an evening more balmy: never
were guests more pleased or host more careful for them.
After supper more lamps were lit and hung upon the trees: the violins
began again, and country dances set in.
Now while I looked on, being more delighted to see than to
dance--besides, my heart was strangely moved with what I now know was
a presentiment of happiness--Lord Chudleigh joined me, and we began to
talk, not indifferently, but, from the first, gravely and seriously.
"You will not dance, Miss Kitty?" he asked.
"No, my lord," I replied; "I would rather watch the scene, which is
more beautiful than anything I have ever dreamed of."
"Come with me," he said, offering me his hand, "to a place more
retired, whence we can see the gaiety, without hearing too much the
laughter."
They should have been happy without laughing: the cries of merriment
consorted not with the scene around us.
Outside the circle of the lamps the woods were quite dark, but for
the light of the solemn moon. We wandered away from the noise of the
dancers, and presently came to a rustic bench beneath a tree, where my
lord invited me to rest.
It was not so dark but that I could see his face, which was grave and
unlike the face of an eager lover. There was sadness in it and shame,
as belongs to one who has a thing to confess. Alas! what ought to have
been the shame and sadness of my face?
"While they are dancing and laughing," he said, "let us talk seriously,
you and I, Miss Kitty."
"Pray go on, my lord," I said, trembling.
He began, not speaking of love, but of general things: of the ambition
which is becoming to a man of rank: of the serious charge and duties of
his life: of the plans which he had formed in his own mind worthily to
pass through the years allotted to him, and to prepare for the eternity
which waits us all beyond.
"But," he said sadly, "we wander in the dark, not knowing which way to
turn: and if we take a wrong step, whether from inadvertence or design,
the fairest plan may be ruined, the most careful schemes destroyed."
"But we have a guide," I said, "and a light."
"We follow not our leader, and we hide the light. Addison hath
represented life under the image of a bridge, over which men are
perpetually passing. But the bridge is set everywhere with hidden holes
and pitfalls, so that he who steps into one straightway falls through
and is drowned. We are not always drowned by the pitfalls of life, but,
which is as bad, we are maimed and broken, so that for the rest of our
course we go halt."
"I pray, my lord," I said, "that you may escape these pitfalls, and
press on with the light before you to the goal of your most honourable
ambition."
"It is too late," he said sadly. "Miss Kitty, you see in me the most
wretched of mortals, who might, I would sometimes venture to think,
have become the most happy."
"You wretched, Lord Chudleigh?"--oh, beating heart!--"you wretched? Of
all men you should be the most happy."
"I have tried," he said, "to escape from the consequences of a
folly--nay, a crime. But it is impossible. I am fast bound and tied."
He took my hand and held it, while he added: "I may not say what I
would: I may not even think, or hope, or dream of what might have been."
"Might have been, my lord?"
"Which cannot, now, ever be. Kitty, I thought after I discovered that
it was impossible that I would not return any more to Epsom Wells; in
the country, or away on foreign travel, I might in time forget your
face, your voice, your eyes--the virtues and graces which sit so well
in a form so charming--the elevated soul----"
"My lord! my lord!" I cried, "spare me----Yet," I added, "tell me all
that is in your mind. If I cannot rid you of your burden, at least I
may soothe your sorrow."
"The matter," he replied, "lies in a few words, Kitty. I love you, and
I may not ask you to be my wife."
I was silent for a while. He stood before me, his face bent over mine.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I have been a fool--nay, worse than a fool, a knave; because
I am tied by bonds which I cannot break: and I am unworthy of so much
goodness and virtue."
"Oh!" I cried, "you know not. How can you know? I am none of the things
which you imagine in me. I am a poor and weak girl; if you knew me you
would surely think so too. I cannot bear that you should think me other
than what I am."
"Why, my angel, your very modesty and your tears are the proof that you
are all I think, and more."
"No," I cried. "If I told you all: if I could lay bare my very soul to
you, I think that you could"--I was going to add, "love me no longer,"
but I caught myself up in time--"that you could no longer think of me
as better, but rather as worse, than other girls."
"You know," he said, "that I love you, Kitty. You have known that for
some time--have you not?"
"Yes, my lord," I replied humbly; "I have known it, and have felt my
own unworthiness. Oh, so unworthy, so unworthy am I that I have wept
tears of shame."
"Nay--nay," he said. "It is I who am unworthy. My dear, there is
nothing you could tell me which would make me love you less."
I shook my head. There was one thing which I had to tell. Could any man
be found to forgive that?
"I came back here resolved to tell you all. If I could not ask for your
love, Kitty, I might, at the very least, win your pity."
"What have you to tell me, my lord?"
It was well that the night was so dark that my face could not be seen.
Oh, telltale cheeks, aglow with fear and joy!
"What have you to tell me?" I repeated.
"It is a story which I trust to your eyes alone," he said. "I have
written it down. Before we part to-night I will give it to you.
Come"--he took my hand again, but his was cold--"come, we must not stay
longer. Let me lead you from this slippery and dangerous place."
"One moment"--I would have lingered there all night to listen to the
accents of his dear voice. "If you, my lord, have a secret to tell to
me, I also have one to tell you."
"Nay," he replied. "I can hear none of your pretty secrets. My peace is
already destroyed. Besides," he added desperately, "when you have read
what I have written you will see that it would be idle to waste another
thought upon me."
"I will read it," I said, "to-night. But, my lord, on one promise."
"And that is?"
"That you will not leave Epsom without my knowledge. Let me speak with
you once more after I have read it, if it is only to weep with you and
to say farewell."
"I promise."
"And--oh, my lord! if I may say it--since your lordship may not marry
me, then I, for your sake, will never marry any other man."
"Kitty!"
"That is my promise, my lord. And perhaps--sometimes--you will give a
thought to your poor--fond Kitty."
He caught me in his arms and showered kisses upon my cheeks and lips,
calling me his angel and a thousand other names, until I gently pushed
him from me and begged him to take me back to the company. He knelt at
my feet and took my hand in his, holding it in silence. I knew that he
was praying for the blessing of Heaven upon my unworthy head.
Then he led me back to the circle of lights, when the first person we
met was Miss Peggy Baker.
"Why, here," she cried, looking sharply from one to the other, "are my
lord and Miss Pleydell. Strange that the two people we have most missed
should be found at the same time--and together, which is stranger
still."
Nancy left her swains and ran to greet me.
"My dear," she whispered, "you have been crying. Is all well?"
"I am the happiest woman and the most unhappy in the world," I said. "I
wish I were in my bed alone and crying on my pillow;" and she squeezed
my hand and ran back to her lovers.
My lord himself walked home with us. We left before the party broke up.
At parting he placed in my hand a roll of paper.
"Remember," I whispered; "you have promised."
He made no answer, but stooped and kissed my fingers.