HOW KITTY WENT TO HER FIRST BALL.
If I were to write all that Nancy said on Saturday afternoon it would
fill a volume; and if I were to write down all that we four said about
my dress for the Monday ball, it would take four volumes at least, so
nimbly ran our tongues. It was determined, however, that the purple
frock should be put in hand at once, with ribbons and everything to
correspond; but that for this occasion, as time pressed, we would take
my best frock, a new white satin, never before worn. Mrs. Bergamot
would dress me, and the hairdresser was engaged for two o'clock.
"Everything," said Nancy, "depends upon the first impression. Already
the world is agog to see the beautiful Miss Pleydell dressed. As for
me, my dear, nobody noticed my first appearance at all. And yet I
thought I looked very nice. To be sure, a person of my inches cannot
expect to command attention. I am feeling my way, however, and though I
am little, my tongue is sharp. After Monday we will have our court, you
and I, to ourselves. The men will be at our feet, and Peggy may lie all
on a rock deploring."
I asked her afterwards how she could speak so openly before this
milliner, who would probably tell all the town what she had said.
"My dear," she replied sharply, "your Nancy is not altogether a goose,
and she knows what she is doing. Mrs. Bergamot is a most trustworthy
person. I quite rely upon her. I have never known her fail in her
duties as town-crier. She will spread it abroad that you have brought a
hundred guineas and more to spend in frocks and things; she will tell
everybody that you have ordered a purple velvet in the first fashion;
she will not fail to repeat that you and I together mean to lead the
company at the Wells; she will probably tell Peggy that she may go and
sit on a rock deploring; and she will inform Miss Lamb of Hackney that
her shoulders are skinny. They cannot hate us worse than they do,
therefore we will make them fear us."
What a little spitfire was this Nancy of mine!
To the religious and the sober, Sunday is a day of serious meditation
as well as of rest: to me, the Sunday before the ball was a day of such
worldly tumult as should afford ample room for repentance in these
later years. Unhappily, we repent but seldom of these youthful sins.
Yet, when we went to church, the organ seemed to play a minuet, the
hymns they sang might have been a hey or a jig in a country dance, and
the sermon of the preacher might have been a discourse on the pleasures
and enjoyments of the world, so rapt was my mind in contemplation of
these vanities.
The service over, we walked out through a lane of the godless men who
had not gone to church. Nancy came after me very demure, carrying her
Prayer-book, her eyes cast down as if rapt in heavenly meditation. But
her thoughts were as worldly as my own, and she presently found an
opportunity of whispering that Peggy Baker had thrown glances of the
greatest ferocity from her pew at herself and me, that Mrs. Bergamot
had already spread the news about, and that the concourse of men at
the door of the sacred place was entirely on my account. "If it was
not Sunday," she added, "and if it were not for the crowd around us, I
should dance and sing."
* * * * *
The time for opening the ball was six, at which time dancing began,
and was continued until eleven, according to the laws wisely laid down
by that public benefactor and accomplished Amphitryon, Mr. Nash, who
effected so much improvement for Bath and Tunbridge that his rules
were adopted for all other watering-places. Before his time there
were no fixed hours or fixed prices, the laws of precedence were
badly observed, the gentlemen wore their swords, and disputes, which
sometimes ended in duels, were frequent and unseemly. Now, however,
nothing could be more orderly than the manner of conducting the
entertainment. The charge for admission was half-a-crown for gentlemen,
and one shilling for ladies; no swords were permitted, and the ball
was opened by the gentleman of the highest rank in the room. At Epsom,
a country squire or a city knight was generally the best that could be
procured, whereas at Bath an earl was not uncommon, and even a duke was
sometimes seen.
My hairdresser, who was, on these occasions, engaged from six o'clock
in the morning until six in the evening, was fortunately able to give
me half an hour at two o'clock, so that I had not more than four
hours or so to sit without moving my head. This was a very happy
circumstance, many ladies having to be dressed early in the morning,
so that for the whole day they could neither walk about nor move for
fear of the structure toppling over altogether. Mrs. Bergamot herself
dressed me. I wore my white satin frock over a great hoop with fine new
point-lace for tuckers; my kerchief and ruffles were in lace, and I had
on a pearl and coral necklace, presented to me by Mrs. Esther, who was
contented to wear a black ribbon round her neck in order that I might
go the finer. As for herself, she wore a rich brocade, which greatly
became her and made her look like a countess.
"Nay, child," she said, "not a countess, but like a gentlewoman, as
hath ever been my simple ambition, and the daughter of a great London
merchant."
But to think that in every house in Epsom there was one girl, at least,
or perhaps two, who were spending as much time and thought as myself
upon the decoration of our persons for this ball! And what chance had I
of distinction among so many fine women of less rustic breeding?
"She will do, Mrs. Bergamot, I think," said Mrs. Esther.
"Madam," replied the dressmaker, who no doubt considered it part of
her business to flatter her customers, "Madam, I dare swear that there
hath not appeared--I do not say at Epsom alone, but at Tunbridge and at
Bath--so beautiful a creature in the memory of man. Mr. Walsingham, who
remembers all the beauties for fifty years, declares that Miss Kitty
surpasses all. Straight as a lance, madam, and shapely as a statue,
with such a face as will deal havoc and destruction among the men."
Mrs. Esther nodded her head and laughed. Then she shook her head and
looked grave.
"We must not become vain, Kitty," she said. "Beauty is but skin-deep;
it fades like the flowers: think only of virtue and goodness, which
never fade. And yet, child, thou art young: thou art beautiful: be
happy in the sunshine, as is meet. Thank Heaven for sunshine!"
She pressed my hand in hers, and the tears rose to her eyes. Was she
thinking of her own youth, which had been so unhappy?
When Mrs. Bergamot left us, she confessed to me that, like me, she had
been in a strange agitation of spirit at the contemplation of this
assembly.
"It is thirty years," she said, "since I have been in a gay crowd. I
thought that such a thing as the sight of youth and happiness would
never come to me again. And to think that, after all these years,
I should go back to the very room where, in 1720, amid a crowd of
adventurers, speculators, and gamblers, who were going to ruin us all,
I attended my last ball!"
This was while we were waiting for the chairs.
"I think," she went on, in her soft voice, which was like the rippling
of a stream, "that my child will do credit to herself. I am glad that
you have kept your neck covered, my dear. I would rather see you go
modest than fine. I hope that Lady Levett will be there before us.
In such cases as this the sight of a friend gives us, as it were, an
encouragement: it is like a prop to lean against. I hope the chairs
will not be late. On the other hand, one would not, surely, arrive
too early. My dear, I am trembling all over. Are you sure you have
forgotten none of your steps? Ah! if no one were to ask you to dance, I
should die of shame and mortification! But they will--oh! they will. My
Kitty is too beautiful to sit among the crowd of lookers-on."
Here came Cicely, running to tell us that the chairs were below, and
that the men swore they could not wait.
"A minute--one minute only. Dear, dear, how quick the girl is! Cicely,
take one last look at Miss Kitty. Do you think, child, she has got
everything, and is properly dressed?"
"Quite properly, madam. No lady in the assembly will shine like Miss
Pleydell."
"Good girl. And, Cicely, if you see that anything is wanting in my
dress, do not scruple to tell me. Young eyes are sometimes quicker than
old ones."
"Nothing, madam. Your ladyship is dressed in the fashion."
Then the chairmen, who, like all their tribe, were unmannerly fellows,
bellowed that they would wait no longer, and we descended the stairs.
One would have been ashamed to confess the fact, but it actually
was the very first time I had ever sat in a chair. The shaking was
extremely disagreeable, and one could not, at the beginning, feel
anything but pity for the poor men who made their living by carrying
about the heavy bodies of people too fine or too lazy to walk. However,
that feeling soon wore off: just as the West Indian and Virginian
planters learn by degrees to believe that their negro slaves like to
work in the fields, are thankful for the lash, and prefer digging under
a hot sun to sleeping in the shade.
We arrived at the Assembly Rooms a few minutes before six. The rooms
were already crowded: the curtains were drawn, and the light of day
excluded. But in its place there was a ravishing display of wax
candles, arranged upon the walls on sconces, or hanging from the
ceiling. The musicians in the gallery were already beginning, as is
their wont, to tune their instruments, twanging and blowing, just as a
preacher begins with a preliminary hem.
My eyes swam as I surveyed the brilliant gathering; for a moment I held
Mrs. Esther by the wrist, and could say nothing nor move. I felt like
an actress making her appearance for the first time upon the stage,
and terrified, for the moment, by the faces looking up, curious and
critical, from the crowded pit and glittering boxes.
At that moment Lady Levett arrived with her party. I think Sir Robert
saw our distress and my guardian's anxiety to appear at her ease, for
he kindly took Mrs. Esther by the hand, and led her, as if she were
the greatest lady in the assembly, to the upper end, while Nancy and I
followed after.
"O Kitty!" she whispered; "there is no one half so beautiful as you--no
one in all the room! How the men stare! Did they never see a pretty
woman before? Wait in patience for a little, ye would-be lovers, till
your betters are served. Peggy Baker, my dear, you will burst with
envy. Look! Here she comes with her courtiers."
In fact, Miss Baker herself here appeared with her mother, surrounded
by three or four gentlemen, who hovered about her, and she languidly
advanced up the room.
She came straight to us, and, after saluting Lady Levett and Mrs.
Esther, held out her hand to Nancy and curtseyed to me.
"You look charming to-night, dear Miss Nancy. That frock of yours--one
is never tired of it."
"And you--oh, dear Miss Peggy!"
Nancy turned white, because her frock was really rather an old one.
"It is good wearing stuff," said Miss Peggy. "Yet I had thought that
mode gone out."
"So it had, my dear," said Nancy sharply; "and I believe it went out
five seasons ago. That is longer than I can recollect. But it has come
back again. Fashions do revive, sometimes."
This was a very ill-natured thing to say, and made poor Miss Peggy
wince and colour, and she did not retaliate, because, I suppose, she
could think of nothing to say.
Then old Mr. Walsingham, who had constituted himself the director of
the ceremonies, appeared. He was dressed in the most beautiful crimson
silk coat, lined with white, and purple waistcoat, and he came slowly
up the hall, with a gentleman whose bearing was as great as his own,
but whose years were less.
"It is young Lord Chudleigh," whispered Peggy Baker, fanning herself
anxiously. "He has come from Durdans with his party."
Lord Chudleigh!
Heavens! To meet in such a manner, in such a place, my own husband!
"What is the matter, Kitty dear?" asked Nancy. "You turned quite pale.
Bite your lips, my dear, to get the colour back."
"It is nothing. I am faint with the heat and the lights, I suppose. Do
not take notice of me."
Peggy Baker assumed an air of languor and sensibility, which, though
extremely fine, was perhaps over-acted.
"Lord Chudleigh," she said, "is of course the person of the highest
distinction in the room. He will invite, I presume, Lady Levett to open
the ball with the first minuet. If Lady Levett declines, he will be
free to select another partner."
In fact, Mr. Walsingham conducted Lord Chudleigh to Lady Levett, and
presented him to her. Her ladyship excused herself on the ground that
her dancing days were over, which was of course expected. His lordship
then said a few words to Mr. Walsingham, who nodded, smiled, and
conducted him to the little group composed of Nancy, Peggy Baker, and
myself. But he presented his lordship--to me!
"Since," he said, while the room went round with me, "since Lady Levett
will not condescend to open the ball with your lordship, I beg to
present you to Miss Kitty Pleydell, who appears to-night, for the first
time, at our assembly; and, I am assured, for the first time in any
assembly. My lord, the sun, when he rises in splendour, dims the light
of the moon and stars. Miss Kitty, I would I were fifty years younger,
that I might challenge this happy young gentleman for the honour of the
dance."
Then Lord Chudleigh spoke. I remembered his voice: a deep shame fell
upon my soul, thinking where and how I had heard that voice before.
"Miss Pleydell," he said, bowing low, "I humbly desire the honour of
opening the ball with you."
It was time to rally my spirits, for the eyes of all the company were
upon us. There was only one thing to do--to forget for the moment what
was past, and address myself to the future.
I can look back upon the evening with pride, because I remember how
I was able to push away shame and remembrance, and to think, for the
moment, about my steps and my partner.
Twang, twang, twang, went the fiddles. The conductor raised his wand.
The music crashed and rang about the room.
"Courage, Kitty!" whispered Nancy. "Courage! Think you are at home."
The hall was cleared now, and the people stood round in a triple
circle, watching, while my lord, his hat beneath his arm, offered me
his hand, and led me into the middle of the room.
The last things I observed as I went with him were Mrs. Esther, wiping
away what looked like a little tear of pride, and Peggy Baker, with
red face, fanning herself violently. Poor Peggy! Last year it was she
who would have taken the place of the most distinguished lady in the
company!
They told me afterwards that I acquitted myself creditably. I _would_
not permit myself to think under what different circumstances that hand
had once before held mine. I would not break down before the eyes of so
many people, and with Peggy Baker standing by, ready to condole with me
on my discomfiture. But I could not bring myself to look in the face of
my partner: and that dance was accomplished with eyes down-dropped.
Oh! it was over at last; the dance which was to me the most anxious,
the most delightful, the most painful, that ever girl danced in all
this world! And what do you think strengthened my heart the while? It
was the strangest thing: but I thought of a certain verse in a certain
old history, and I repeated to myself, as one says things when one is
troubled:
"Now the king loved Esther above all the women, and she obtained grace
and favour in his sight: so that he set the royal crown upon her head."
"Child," whispered Mrs. Esther, her face aglow with pleasure and pride,
"we are all proud of you."
"Kitty," said Lady Levett, who was more critical, because she knew more
of the polite world, "you acquitted yourself creditably. Next time, do
not be afraid to look your partner in the face. My lord, I trust that
Miss Pleydell's performance has made you congratulate yourself on my
declining the honour of the minuet?"
"Your ladyship," said Lord Chudleigh, "may be assured that, if anything
could compensate for that disappointment, the grace and beauty of my
fair partner have effected that object."
"Gadzooks!" cried Sir Robert. "Here is a beating about the bush! Kitty,
my pretty maid, no duchess could have danced better, and never a queen
in Christendom is more beautiful! Say I well, my lord?"
"Excellently well, Sir Robert. You have said more than I dared; not
more than I thought."
Then Mr. Walsingham came bustling to congratulate me.
"But one opinion--only one opinion, Miss Pleydell! Lady Levett, your
obedient servant. Mrs. Pimpernel, I offer my congratulations on this
young lady's success. I would it had been Bath, or even Tunbridge,
whence the rumour of such beauty and such grace would have been more
quickly carried about the country. But it will be spread abroad. There
are three hundred tongues here to-night, who will talk, and three
hundred pens who will write. Miss Kitty, once more I salute your
Majesty--Queen of the Wells!"
Then Lord Chudleigh, and Sir Robert Levett, and the gentlemen standing
round sank on one knee and bowed almost to the ground, crying--
"Queen of the Wells! Queen of the Wells!"
And Nancy, in her pretty, saucy way, ran and stood beside me laughing.
"And I am her Majesty's maid of honour. Remember that, gentlemen all!"
"The saucy baggage!" cried Sir Robert.
And Peggy Baker, for whom in this hour of triumph one felt a little
pity, came too, with a curtsey and a smile which looked more like a
frown.
"Miss Pleydell must accept my homage, too," she said. "We are fortunate
in having one so inimitably lovely for our Queen. It makes one wonder
where so much beauty could have been hidden."
I suppose she meant this as an innuendo that I was not, therefore,
accustomed to such good company. I thought of Fleet Lane and the
Market, and I laughed aloud.
But Lord Chudleigh was expected to dance with another lady before the
ball was opened; and here was another disappointment for poor Peggy,
for he led out Nancy, who took his hand with a pride and joy which did
one's heart good to look at.
If I had been afraid to raise my eyes, Nancy was not; she looked in my
lord's face and laughed; she talked and prattled all the time she was
dancing; and she danced as if the music was too slow for her, as if she
would fain have been spinning round like a school-girl when she makes
cheeses, as if her limbs were springs, as if she would gladly have
taken her partner by both hands and run round and round with him as she
had so often done with me when we were children together, playing in
the meadows beside the Hall. All the people looked on and laughed and
clapped their hands; never was so merry a minuet, if that stately dance
could ever be made merry. As for me, I was able to look at his face
again, though that was only to begin the punishment of my crime.
What did I remember of him? A tall young man of slender figure; with
cheeks red and puffed, a forehead on which the veins stood out ready
to burst, a hand that shook, eyes that looked wildly round him; a
dreadful, terrible, and shameful memory. But now, how changed! As for
his features, I hardly recognised them at all. Yet I knew him for the
same man.
Go get a cunning limner and painter. Make him draw you a face stamped
with some degrading vice, or taken at the moment of committing some
grievous sin against the conscience. Suppose, for instance, that
the cheeks swell out with gluttony; or let the lips tremble with
intemperance; or let the eyes grow keen and hawk-like with gambling:
let any vice he pleases be stamped upon that face. Then let him go away
and draw that face (which before was dark with sin and marked with
the seal of the Devil) as it should be, pure, wise, and noble as God,
who hath somewhere laid by the model and type of every created face,
intended it to be. You will know it and you will know it not.
The face which I had seen was not the face of a drunkard, but of a
drunken man, of a man heavy and stupid with unaccustomed drink. I
had always thought of him as of a creature of whose violence (in his
cups) I should go in daily terror, when it should please the Doctor
to take me to my husband. Now that I saw the face again, the spirit
of drunkenness gone out of it, it seemed as if the man could never
stoop to weakness or folly, so strong were the features, so noble were
the eyes. How could such a man, with such a face and such a bearing,
go about with such a secret? But perhaps, like me, he did not suffer
himself to think about it. For his face was as that of David when
he was full of his great mission, or of Apollo the sun-god, or of
Adonis whom the Syrian women weep, or of Troilus when he believed that
Cressida was true.
To be sure, he never thought of the thing at all. He put it behind
him as an evil dream: he would take no steps until he wished to be
married, when he would instruct his lawyers, and they would break the
bonds--which were no true bonds--asunder. If he thought at all, he
would think that he was married--if that was indeed a marriage--to some
poor unworthy wretch who might be set aside at pleasure: why should his
thoughts ever dwell--so I said to myself with jealous bitterness--on
the girl who stood before him for ten minutes, her face muffled in a
hood, her eyes cast down, who placed a trembling and wicked hand in his
and swore to follow his fortunes for better for worse?
Alas poor Kitty! Her case seemed sad indeed.
Then my lord finished his minuet with Nancy, and other couples advanced
into the arena, and the dancing became general. Of course there was
nothing but minuets until eight o'clock.
Nancy was merry. She said that her partner was delightful to dance
with, partly because he was a lord--and a title, she said, gives an air
of grace to any block--partly because he danced well and talked amiably.
"He is a pretty fellow, my dear," she said, "though of position
too exalted for one so humble as myself. He had exhausted all his
compliments upon the Queen and had none for a simple maid of honour,
which I told him at parting, and it made him blush like a girl. How
I love to see a man blush; it is a sign that there is yet left some
remains of grace. Perhaps Lord Chudleigh is not so hardened as his
fellows. Look at Peggy's languid airs: she thinks a minuet should be
danced as if you were going to die the very next minute; and she rolls
her eyes about as if she were fainting for a man to kiss her. My dear,
Lord Chudleigh, I fear, is above us both; yet he is but a man, and
all men are made of tinder, and a woman is the spark. I think he may
be on fire before long, think not upon him until you find out how his
affections are disposed, and whether he is free. A roving lord, at the
watering-places, who is young and handsome, is as dangerous to us poor
damsels, and plays as much havoc among our hearts, as Samson when he
had got that jawbone, among the Philistines. A truly dreadful thing
it would be"--it was wonderful that she should be saying all this in
ignorance, how every word went home--"to set your affections upon a
lord, and to find out afterwards that he was pledged to somebody else.
Hateful thing she would be!"
While the minuets were dancing we stood and watched the gay throng.
Never had I dreamed of anything so gay and animated. There were three
hundred people, at least as many men as women, and all dressed in their
very best. As for the ladies, it was the fashion when I was a girl for
all to be powdered, but there were many modes of dressing the head.
For some wore aigrettes of jewels (who could afford them) some false
flowers, and some true flowers, which were pretty and becoming for a
young girl: and some had coiffures _à la culbutte_, some _en dorlotte_,
some _en papillon_, or _en vergette_, _en équivoque_, _en désespoir_,
or _en tête de mouton_. The last was the commonest, in which there were
curls all over the back of the head. And there were French curls, which
looked something like eggs strung on a wire round the head, and Italian
curls or scallop-shells. The petticoats were ornamented with falbalas
and _pretantailles_; most ladies wore _criardes_, and all had hoops,
but some wore hoops _en coupole_ and some small hoops, and some looked
like a state-bed on castors, and as if they had robbed the valance
for the skirt and the tester for the trimmings. But there is no end
to the changes of fashion. As for the gentlemen, their vanities were
mostly in the wig, for though the full wig was now gone out of fashion,
having given place to the neat and elegant tie-wig with a broad black
ribbon and a little bag, or a queue, yet there was not wanting the
full-bottomed periwig, the large flowing grizzle, and the great wig
with three tails. And every kind of face, the vacant, the foolish, the
sensual, the envious, the eager, the pert, the dignified, the brave,
the anxious, the confident--but none so noble as that face of my lord.
"Is our Queen meditating?"
I started, for he was beside me.
"It is my first ball," I said, "and I am wondering at the pretty sight
of so many happy and merry people."
"Their merriment I grant," he replied. "As for their happiness, we had
better perhaps agree to take that for granted."
"I suppose we all agree to give ourselves up to the pleasures of the
hour," I said. "Can we not be happy, even if we have a care which we
try to hide?"
"I hope, at least," he said, "that Miss Pleydell has no cares."
I shook my head, thinking how, if all hearts were opened and all
secrets known, there would be wailing instead of laughter, and my lord
and myself would start asunder with shame on my part and loathing on
his.
"Yes," he said; "an assembly of people to please and to be pleased
is a charming sight. For a time we live in an atmosphere of ease and
contentment, and bask at the feet of the Queen of Hearts."
"Oh, my lord!" I said, "do not pay me compliments: I am only used to
plain truth."
"Surely that is the honest truth," he said. "To be Queen of the Wells
is nothing, but to be the Queen of Hearts is everything."
"Nay, then," I returned, blushing, "I see I must put myself under the
protection of Mr. Walsingham."
The old beau was hovering round, and gave me his hand with a great air
of happiness.
"From me," he said, "Miss Pleydell knows that she will hear nothing but
truth. The language of gallantry with a beautiful woman is pure truth."
It was eight o'clock, and country dances began. I danced one with Lord
Chudleigh and one with some gentleman of Essex, whose name I forget.
But I remember that next day he offered me, by letter, his hand, and
eight hundred pounds a year. At nine we had tea and chocolate. Then
more country dances, in which my Nancy danced with such enjoyment and
happiness as made Sir Robert clap his hands and laugh aloud.
At eleven all was over, mantles, hoods, and capuchins were donned, and
we walked home to our lodgings, escorted by the gentlemen. The last
face I saw as we entered the house was that of my lord as he bowed
farewell.
Cicely was waiting to receive us.
"O madam!" she cried, "I was looking through the door when my lord took
out miss for the minuet. Oh! oh! oh! how beautiful! how grand she did
it! Sure never was such a handsome pair."
"My dear," said Mrs. Esther to me, when Cicely had left us, "I believe
there never was known so great a success for a first appearance. There
is no doubt you are the reigning Toast of the season, child. Well,
enjoy when you can, and be not spoiled by flattery, Kitty, which is
vanity. Such a face, they all declare, such a figure, such eyes, such
a carriage, were never before seen at Epsom. Beware of Flatterers,
my dear. Where did you get such graces from? Pay no heed to the
compliments of the men, child. Sure, it is the prettiest creature ever
formed. They would turn thy head, my dear."
In the middle of the night I awoke from an uneasy dream. I thought that
I was dancing with my lord before all the people at the assembly: they
applauded loudly, and I heard them whispering: "What a noble pair! Sure
Heaven hath made them for each other!" Then suddenly Peggy Baker burst
through the crowd, leading by the hand my uncle: and crying: "Lord
Chudleigh, I congratulate you upon your marriage! Your bride is with
you, and here is the Chaplain of the Fleet, who made you happy." Then
the people laughed and hissed: the Doctor lifted his great forefinger
and shook it at my lord; I saw his face change from love to disgust,
and with a cry I hid my shameful cheeks in my hands and fled the place.
The waking was no better than the dreaming. The husband whom I had
almost forgotten, and whom to remember gave me no more than a passing
pang, was here, with me, in the same town. What was I to do--how treat
him--in what words to tell him, if I must tell him, the dreadful, the
humiliating truth?
Or, again--a thought which pierced my breast like a knife--suppose I
were condemned to see him with my own eyes, falling in love, step by
step, with another woman: suppose that I were punished by perceiving
that my humble and homely charms would not fix, though they might
attract for a single night, his wandering eyes: oh! how could I look
on in silence, and endure without a word the worst that a woman can
suffer? Ah! happy Esther, whom the king loved above all women: so that
he set the royal crown upon her head!
The day broke while I was lying tortured by these dreadful suspicions
and fears. My window looked towards the east: I rose, opened the
casement, and let in the fresh morning air. The downs rose beyond the
house with deep heavy woods of elm and birch. There was already the
movement and stir of life which begins with the early dawn: it is as if
the wings of the birds are shaking as their pretty owners dream before
they wake: as if the insects on the leaves were all together exhorting
each other to fly about and enjoy the morning sun, because, haply, life
being so uncertain to the insect tribe, and birds so numerous, that
hour might be their last: as if the creatures of the underwood, the
rabbits, hares, weasels, ferrets, snakes, and the rest were moving in
their beds, and rustling the dry leaves on which they lie. Over the
tree-tops spread broader and broader the red glow of the morning: the
sounds of life grew more distinct; and the great sun sprang up. Then I
heard a late-singing thrush break into his sweet song, which means a
morning hymn of content. The other birds had mostly done their singing
long before July: but near him there sang a turtle with a gentle coo
which seemed to say that she had got all she wanted or could look for
in life, and was happy. Truly, not the spacious firmament on high
alone, but all created things do continually teach man to laud, praise,
and glorify the name of the great Creator. "Whoso," says the Psalmist,
"is wise and will observe these things"--but alas for our foolishness!
I looked, and drank the sweetness of the air, and felt the warmth of
the sun, but I thought of nothing but my husband--mine, and yet not
mine, nor could he ever be mine save for such confession and shame as
made my heart sick to think of. To be already in love with a man whom
one had seen but twice! was it not a shame? Yet such a man! and he
was already vowed to me and I to him--although he knew it not: and,
although in a secret, shameful way, the holy Church had made us one, so
that, as the service hath it, GOD Himself hath bound us together. To be
in love already! O Kitty! Kitty!
There is a chapter in the Song of Solomon which is, as learned men
tell us, written "of Christ and His Church," the poet speaking in such
an allegory that, to all but the most spiritual-minded, he seemeth to
speak of the simple love of a man and a maid. And surely it may be read
without sin by either man or maid in love. "I am," she says, "the rose
of Sharon and the lily of the valleys.... My beloved spake, and said
unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo! the
winter is past, the rain is over and gone; the flowers appear on the
earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the
turtle is heard in the land."
When I had read that chapter and dried my weeping eyes, and perhaps
prayed awhile, I lay down upon my bed again, and slept till Cicely came
at seven and called me up to dress and walk abroad.