A SOCIAL GLASS.
The Honorable Abel Newt was elected to Congress in place of the Honorable
Watkins Bodley, who withdrew on account of the embarrassment of his
private affairs. At a special meeting of the General Committee, Mr. Enos
Slugby, Chairman of the Ward Committee, introduced a long and eloquent
resolution, deploring the loss sustained by the city and by the whole
country in the resignation of the Honorable Watkins Bodley--sympathizing
with him in the perplexity of his private affairs--but rejoicing that the
word "close up!" was always faithfully obeyed--that there was always a
fresh soldier to fill the place of the retiring--and that the Party never
summoned her sons in vain.
General Belch then rose and offered a resolution:
"_Resolved--_That in the Honorable Abel Newt, our representative, just
elected by a triumphant majority of the votes of the enlightened and
independent voters of the district--a constituency of whose favor the
most experienced and illustrious statesmen might be proud--we recognize
a worthy exemplar of the purest republican virtues, a consistent enemy
of a purse-proud aristocracy, the equally unflinching friend of the
people; a man who dedicates with enthusiasm the rare powers of his youth,
and his profoundest and sincerest convictions, to the great cause of
popular rights of which the Party is the exponent.
"_Resolved_--That the Honorable Abel Newt be requested, at the earliest
possible moment, to unfold to his fellow-citizens his views upon State
and National political affairs."
Mr. William Condor spoke feelingly in support of the resolutions:
"Fellow-citizens!" he said, eloquently, in conclusion, "if there is one
thing nobler than another, it is an upright, downright, disinterested,
honest man. Such I am proud and happy to declare my friend, your friend,
the friend of all honest men, to be; and I call for three cheers for
Honest Abel Newt!"
They were given with ardor; and then General Belch was called out for
a few remarks, "which he delivered," said the _Evening Banner of the
Union_, "with his accustomed humor, keeping the audience in a roar of
laughter, and sending every body happy to bed."
The Committee-meeting was over, and the spectators retired to the
neighboring bar-rooms. Mr. Slugby, Mr. Condor, and General Belch
tarried behind, with two or three more.
"Shall we go to Newt's?" asked the General.
"Yes, I told him we should be round after the meeting," replied Mr.
Condor; and the party were presently at his rooms.
The Honorable Abel had placed several full decanters upon the table, with
a box of cigars.
"Mr. Newt," said Enos Slugby, after they had been smoking and drinking
for some time.
Abel turned his head.
"You have an uncle, have you not?"
Abel nodded.
"A very eminent merchant, I believe. His name is very well known, and he
commands great respect. Ahem!"
Mr. Slugby cleared his throat; then continued:
"He will naturally be very much interested in the career and success of
his nephew."
"Oh, immensely!" replied Abel, in a thick voice, and with a look and tone
which suggested to his friends that he was rapidly priming himself.
"Immensely, enormously!"
"Ah, yes," said Mr. Slugby, with an air of curious meditation. "I do
not remember to have heard the character of his political proclivities
mentioned. But, of course, as the brother of Boniface Newt and the uncle
of the Honorable Abel Newt"--here Mr. Slugby bowed to that gentleman, who
winked at him over the rim of his glass--"he is naturally a friend of the
people."
"Yes," returned Abel.
"I think you said he was very fond of you?" added Mr. Slugby, while his
friends looked expectantly on.
"Fond? It's a clear case of apple of the eye," answered Abel, chuckling.
"Very good," said William Condor; "very good, indeed! Capital!" laughed
Belch; and whispered to his neighbor Condor, "In vino veritas."
As they whispered, and smiled, and nodded together, Abel Newt glanced
around the circle with sullen, fiery eyes.
"Uncle Lawrence is worth a million of dollars," said he, carelessly.
The group of political gentlemen shook their heads in silent admiration.
They seemed to themselves to have struck a golden vein, and General Belch
could not help inwardly complimenting himself upon his profound sagacity
in having put forward a candidate who had a bachelor uncle who doated
upon him, and who was worth a million. He perceived at once his own
increased importance in the Party. To have displaced Watkins Bodley--who
was not only an uncertain party implement, but poor--by an unhesitating
young man of great ability and of enormous prospects, he knew was to have
secured for himself whatever he chose to ask. The fat nose reddened and
glistened as if it would burst with triumph and joy. General Arcularius
Belch was satisfied.
"Of course," said William Condor, "a man of Mr. Lawrence Newt's
experience and knowledge of the world is aware that there are certain
necessary expenses attendant upon elections--such as printing, rent,
lighting, warming, posting, etc.--"
"In fact, sundries," said Abel, smiling with the black eyes.
"Yes, precisely; sundries," answered Mr. Condor, "which sometimes swell
to quite an inordinate figure. Your uncle, I presume, Mr. Newt, would not
be unwilling to contribute a certain share of the expense of your
election; and indeed, now that you are so conspicuous a leader, he would
probably expect to contribute handsomely to the current expenses of the
Party. Isn't it so?"
"Of course," said General Belch.
"Of course," said Enos Slugby.
"Of course," echoed the two or three other gentlemen who sat silently,
assiduously smoking and drinking.
"Oh, clearly, of course," answered Abel, still thickly, and in a tone by
no means agreeable to his companions. "What should you consider to be his
fair share?"
"Well," began Condor, "I should think, in ordinary times, a thousand a
year; and then, as particular occasion demands."
At this distinct little speech the whole company lifted their glasses
that they might more conveniently watch Abel.
With a half-maudlin grin he looked along the line.
"By-the-by, Condor, how much do you give a year?" asked he.
There was a moment's silence.
"Hit, by G----!" energetically said one of the silent men.
"Good for Newt!" cried General Belch, thumping the table.
There was another little burst of laughter, with the least possible
merriment in it. William Condor joined with an entirely unruffled face.
"As for Belch," continued Abel, with what would be called in animals an
ugly expression--"Belch is the clown, and they left him off easy. The
Party is like the old kings, it keeps a good many fools to make it
laugh."
His tone was threatening, and nobody laughed. General Belch looked as if
he were restraining himself from knocking his friend down. But they all
saw that their host was mastered by his own liquor.
"Squeeze Lawrence Newt, will you? Why, Lord, gentlemen, what do you
suppose he thinks of you--I mean, of fellows like you?" asked Abel.
He paused, and glared around him. William Condor daintily knocked off the
ash of his cigar faith the tip of his little finger, and said, calmly,
"I am sure I don't know."
"Nor care," said General Belch.
"He thinks you're all a set of white-livered sneaks!" shouted Abel, in a
voice harsh and hoarse with liquor.
The gentlemen were silent. The leaders wagged their feet nervously; the
others looked rather amused.
"No offense," resumed Abel. "I don't mean he despises you in particular,
but all bar-room bobtails."
His voice thickened rapidly.
"Of all mean, mis-mis-rabble hounds, he thinks you are the dirt-est."
Still no reply was made. The honorable gentleman looked at his guests
leeringly, but found no responsive glance.
"In vino veritas," whispered Condor to his neighbor Belch. William Condor
was always clean in linen and calm in manner.
"Don't be 'larmed, fel-fel-f'-low cit-zens! Lawrence Newt's no friend of
mine. I guess his G---- d---- pride 'll get a tumble some day; by G---- I
do!" Abel added, with a fierce hiss.
The guests looked alarmed as they heard the last words. Abel ceased, and
passed the decanter, which they did not decline; for they all felt as if
the Honorable Abel Newt would probably throw it at the head of any man
who said or did what he did not approve. There was a low anxious murmur
of conversation among them until Abel was evidently very intoxicated,
and his head sank upon his breast.
"I'm terribly afraid we've burned our fingers," said Mr. Enos Slugby,
looking a little ruefully at the honorable representative.
"Oh, I hope not," said General Belch; "but there may be some breakers
ahead. If we lose the Grant it won't be the first cause or man that has
been betrayed by the bottle. Condor, let me fill your glass. It is clear
that if our dear friend Newt has a weakness it is the bottle; and if our
enemies at Washington, who want to head off this Grant, have a strength,
it is finding out an adversary's soft spot. We may find in this case that
it's dangerous playing with edged tools. But I've great faith in his want
of principle. We can show him so clearly that his interest, his advance,
his career depend so entirely upon his conduct, that I think we can keep
him straight. And, for my part, if we can only work this Grant through,
I shall retire upon my share of the proceeds, and leave politics to those
who love 'em. But I don't mean to have worked for nothing--hey, Condor?"
"Amen," replied William, placidly.
"By-the-by, Condor," said Mr. Enos Slugby.
Mr. Condor turned toward him inquiringly.
"I heard Jim say t'other day--"
"Who's Jim?" asked Condor.
"Jim!" returned Slugby, "Jim--why, Jim's the party in my district."
"Oh yes--yes; I beg pardon," said Condor; "the name had escaped me."
"Well, I heard Jim say t'other day that Mr. William Condor was getting
too d----d stuck up, and that he'd yank him out of his office if he
didn't mind his eye. That's you, Condor; so I advise you to look out.
It's easy enough to manage Jim, if you take care. He'll go as gently as
a well-broke filly; but if he once takes a lurch--if he thinks you're too
'proud' or 'big,' it's all up with you. So mind how you treat Jim."
"Well, well," said Belch, impatiently; "we've other business on hand
now."
"Exactly," said Condor; "we are the Honorable Abel's Jim. Turn about is
fair play. Jim makes us go; we make Abel go. It's a lovely series of
checks and balances."
He said it so quietly and airily that they all laughed. Then the General
continued:
"We're going to send Newt to look after Ele, and I rather think we shall
have to send somebody to look after Newt. However, we'll see. Let's leave
this hog to snore by himself."
They rose as he spoke.
"What were the words of your resolution, Belch?" asked William Condor,
with his eyes twinkling. "I don't quite remember. Did you say," he added,
looking at Abel, who lay huddled, dead drunk, in his chair, "that he
dedicated to his country his profoundest and sincerest, or sincerest and
profoundest convictions?"
"And you, Condor," said Enos Slugby, smiling, as he lighted a fresh
cigar, "did you say that you were proud and happy, or happy and proud,
to call him your friend?"
"Lord! Lord! what an old hum it is--isn't it?" said General Belch,
cheerfully, as he smoothed his hat with his coat-sleeve, and put it on.
They went down stairs laughing and chatting; and the Honorable Abel Newt,
the worthy exemplar of the purest republican virtues--as the resolution
stated when it appeared in the next morning's papers--was left snoring
amidst his constituency of empty decanters and drained glasses.