[Several newspapers have been roused to a sense of their
duties to their readers by the insurance competition between
_The Chronicle_ and _The Mail_. We make a few preliminary
announcements of other insurance schemes which are not yet
contemplated.]
_VOTES FOR WOMEN_.--A copy of the current issue nailed to your front
door insures you absolutely against arson.
_THE STAR_.--All regular subscribers to _The Star_ are insured with
the proprietors of _The Daily News_ for £1,000 in the event of being
welshed on any race-course.
_THE NATIONAL REVIEW_.--Annual subscribers to _The National Review_
are guaranteed £10,000 in the event of being (a) robbed on the highway
by a member of the present Ministry; (b) defrauded by a member of the
present Ministry; (c) having house burgled by member of the present
Ministry; (d) having pocket picked by member of present Ministry;
always excluding any act or acts done by the CHANCELLOR OF THE
EXCHEQUER in a strictly official capacity.
_THE CHURCH TIMES_.--All regular subscribers are insured for £500
against excommunication. £1,000 will be paid to the heirs or assigns
of any reader who loses his head in a conflict with a Bishop (Deans,
Rural Deans, Canons and Archdeacons being excepted from the benefit of
this clause in the policy).
_THE ENGLISH REVIEW_.--Poetic contributors are insured for £500 in the
event of a prosecution under the Blasphemy Laws.
_THE DAILY EXPRESS_.--You can sleep soundly in your bed, you can sleep
soundly in your train, if the current issue of _The Daily Express_
be on your person. All purchasers are insured for £10,000 against any
conflagrations or explosions caused by bombs or combustibles dropped
from German airships.
_THE BRITISH WEEKLY_.--All readers of _The British Weekly_ are insured
for £1,000 in the event of heart-failure caused by shock while reading
the thrilling stories provided by SILAS, JOSEPH, TIMOTHY and JEREMIAH
HOCKING.
_THE RECORD_.--£500 will be paid to any annual subscriber forcibly
detained in a convent, provided that at the time of such detention a
copy of the current issue of _The Record_ be in his possession. £1,000
will be paid to the legal representatives of any reader burnt at the
stake.
_THE CRICCIETH CHRONICLE_.--£3 a week for life, together with a
poultry farm on a Sutherland deer-forest, to the owner of any shorn
lamb which is found dead in a snow-drift with a copy of the current
issue wrapt round it, to keep it warm.
* * * * *
The great world rolls on, but of the master-brains which direct its
movement the man in the street knows nothing. He has never heard
of the Clerk of the Portland Urban District Council; he is entirely
ignorant of Army Order 701.
"Dear Sir" (writes the Clerk)--"A meeting of the Underhill
Members of the Council will be held to-morrow (Saturday), at 3
o'clock p.m., in Spring Gardens (Fortuneswell) for the purpose
of selecting a site for the Telegraph Post."
"With effect from 1st January, 1914" (says the Army Order)
"rewigging of gun sponges will be done by the Ordnance
Department instead of locally as at present."
* * * * *
"Inman was seen to greater advantage at yesterday afternoon's
session in this match of 18,000 up, in Edinburgh, than on
any previous day of the match, scoring 1,083 while Aiken was
aggregating the mentally afflicted."--_Nottingham Guardian_.
One must amuse oneself somehow while the other man is at the table.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A SEA-CHANGE.
TORY CHORUS (_to WINSTON_). "YOU'VE MADE ME LOVE YOU; I DIDN'T WANT TO
DO IT."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Amiable Uncle_ (_doing some conjuring to amuse the
children_). "SEE, HERE I HAVE A BILLIARD BALL--I AM GOING TO TURN IT
INTO SOMETHING ELSE."
_First Bored Youngster_ (_to second ditto_). "WHY SHOULD HE? IT'S A
VERY NICE BALL."]
* * * * *