had the precedence in any judicial affair. Says the judge, “Pray, who
goes first, the criminal or the executioner?” “The criminal,” replied
the pleader. “Then,” says the judge, “the lawyer may go first as the
thief, and the physician follow after as the executioner.”
A certain person who had squandered away all his patrimony being at an
entertainment, one of the guests said, “The earth used to swallow up
men, but this man has swallowed up the earth.”
A poor man, presenting himself before the King of Spain, asked his
charity, telling him that he was his brother. The king desiring to know
how he claimed kindred to him, the poor fellow replied, “We are all
descended from one common father and mother—viz., Adam and Eve.” Upon
which the king gave him a little copper piece of money. The poor man
began to bemoan himself, saying, “Is it possible that your Majesty
should give no more than this to your brother?” “Away, away,” replies
the king; “if all the brothers you have in the world give you as much as
I have done, you’ll be richer than I am.”
A certain man reading a book that treated of the secrets of nature, fell
upon a chapter in which ’twas said that a man who has a long beard wears
the badge of a fool. Upon which our reader takes up the candle in his
hand, for ’twas in the night-time, and views himself in the glass, and
inconsiderately burns above half his beard off; whereupon he immediately
takes up the pen and writes in the margin of the book, “_Probatum
est_,”—that is, I know him to be a fool.
A certain person who was to engage with swords against another, knowing
that his antagonist was a braver man than himself, would not stand the
trial, but made off as fast as possible. Now it happened, as he was
discoursing one day with some of his acquaintance, they reproached him
for having run away in so scandalous a manner. “Pooh!” replied he, “I
had much rather the world should say that in such a place a coward had
been put to flight, than that a brave man had been killed.”
A soldier selling a horse, his captain asked him why he did so. He
replied that ’twas in order to fly from the tumult of arms. Says the
captain, “I wonder you should sell it for the very same reason for which
I imagined you had bought it.”
Tesetto was very angry with Zerbo the physician, when Zerbo saying to
him, “Hold your tongue, you scoundrel; don’t I know that your father was
a bricklayer?” Tesetto immediately replied, “No one could have told you
that but your own father, who carried the lime and the stones to mine.”
A criminal being carried to prison, and hearing his process read,
confessed that every article in it was true, and said, “I have done
still worse.” Being asked in what, he replied with a sigh, “In suffering
myself to be brought hither.”
A certain person, who was desirous to be thought young, said that he was
but thirty, when a friend of his who had been his schoolfellow replied,
“So, I warrant you, you were not born when we studied logic together.”
A thief going with a trunk full of valuable things from a citizen’s
house in the dusk of the evening, was met by some persons who asked him
how he came by them. The thief replied, “A man is dead in this house,
and I am carrying this trunk, with other things, to another house where
I am going to live.” “But if that man be lately dead,” said they, “why
don’t they weep and take on?” “You’ll hear them weep to-morrow morning,”
says the thief.
A man bemoaning himself to another for the great scarcity of corn, and
saying he believed that if it did not rain all the beasts would die, the
other replied to him, “Heaven preserve your worship!”
A physician, who had a son of his under cure, gave him no remedy, and
prescribed nothing, but only that he should observe a regular course of
diet. His daughter-in-law complained, and asked him why he did not treat
him like other sick people; and the physician replied, “Daughter, we
physicians have medicaments in order to sell them, and not to make use
of them ourselves.”
A certain lazzarone once came to confess himself to a missionary priest
who was confined to his bed with the gout, with the intention of
stealing a pair of new shoes which he had seen under the good father’s
bed. The priest having called him up to the bed, as he could not rise,
the man knelt down, and while reciting the _Confiteor_ got hold of the
shoes, and put them into the wallet which he had under his cloak. Having
finished the _Confiteor_, the first and last sin which he confessed was
that of having stolen a pair of shoes. The confessor replied, “Ah! my
son, you ought to restore them!” The penitent replied, “Father, do you
want them?” “No,” said the priest, “no, my son; but they ought to be
restored to the rightful owner, otherwise I cannot give you absolution.”
“But, father,” replied the man, “the owner says he does not want them;
what, then, shall I do?” The confessor answered, “Since that is so, keep
them for yourself,” and giving him absolution, he dismissed him, and the
penitent carried off the shoes.
Dante, meditating apart one day in the church of Santa Maria Novella,
was accosted by a bore, who asked him many foolish questions. After
vainly endeavouring to get rid of him, Dante at last said, “Before I
reply to thee do thou tell me the answer to a certain question,” and
then asked him, “_Which is the greatest of all beasts?_” The gentleman
replied that “on the authority of Pliny he believed it to be the
elephant.” Then said Dante, “O elephant, leave me in peace!” and so
saying, he turned and left him.
Domenico da Cigoli having gone to Rome, news was brought him a few days
after that his wife was dead; upon which he, in the utmost transports of
joy, immediately became priest and undertook the cure of souls in his
own village, when who should be the very first person that he meets but
his wife, who was not dead but living, which greatly afflicted him.
A certain rich man had a son who had but little sense, and wishing to
get him a wife, found a fair and gentle damsel; and her parents being
willing to overlook the defects of the man for the sake of his riches,
the marriage was concluded. Then the father, in order to hide as much as
he could the imbecile foolishness of his son, admonished him to speak
little, that his folly and light-mindedness might not be made manifest.
The son obeyed; and when they were seated at the wedding-feast it
happened that not only he but all the others kept silence, till at last
a lady of more courage than the rest said, looking round at the guests,
“Surely there must be a fool at this table, since no one ventures to
speak!” Then said the bridegroom, turning to his father, “Father, now
that they have found me out, pray give me permission to talk!”
[Illustration]
A countryman, benumbed with cold, alighted from his horse to walk on
foot, and two Franciscan friars observing this, one of them said to his
companion, “Had I a horse I would not be such a fool as to lead him by
the bridle, but would make use of him to carry me to the convent.” Says
the other, who was of a gay temper, “I would play this countryman a
trick, and steal his horse from him, if you would but help me.” The
friar immediately consenting, both of them stole very softly up to the
countryman, without his perceiving it; and one, slyly taking the bridle
off the horse, put it over his own head, while the other with a halter
led the horse aside. Not long after this the countryman, intending to
get on horseback again, turned himself about, but had like to have died
with fear when he saw the change; and, uttering terrible cries for help,
he was stopped by the Franciscan, who went down on his knees before him,
and begged him very humbly to give him his liberty, telling him that he
had been condemned to such a metamorphosis because of his
irregularities, and the enormities of his sins; and that the time of his
penance being expired, he was returned to his first shape. The peasant,
recovering himself a little, not only let him go, but also, not smelling
the trick in the least, foolishly replied, “Get you gone in Heaven’s
name; I now no longer wonder if, after having led so disorderly a life,
you should have been changed into so vile an animal.” The friar, telling
him that he was greatly obliged to him, made off, and went to look after
his companion, and when they saw the poor silly fellow at a good
distance, went another way to a neighbouring town. A few days after, the
Franciscans desired a friend of theirs to go and sell the horse at the
fair. This man sold the horse, and as he was going with the buyer to
receive the money for it, whom should they happen to meet but the
countryman, who, knowing the horse again, desired the buyer to let him
speak a word with him in private; and having asked him whom the horse
belonged to, the other replied that he had just bargained for it, but
had not yet paid for it. “For goodness’ sake,” said the countryman,
“return it to him again; don’t pay for it, for I assure you that ’tis
not a horse, but the soul of a cordelier, who is returned to his
dissolute way of life. Don’t buy him, I tell you, for he’s the most
wretched animal in the whole world, and has put me into a fury an
hundred thousand times.”
HOW PIOVANO ARLOTTO GOT HIS PLACE BY THE FIRE.
Piovano Arlotto, returning from Casentino one Sunday evening, worn out
and wet through (for it was raining heavily), dismounted before the inn
at Pontassieve and went in, to dry himself at the fire. But, as it
happened, there were over thirty villagers present, drinking and playing
cards, and they were crowded so closely about the fire that he could not
get near it, nor would they make room for him, though he asked them. At
last, mine host, who knew him for a fellow of infinite jest, said to
him, “Sir priest, why are ye so sad this evening, quite contrary to your
nature? If there be aught troubling ye, tell us, for there is nothing we
would not do for ye.” The priest said, “I am in evil case, for I have
lost, from this wallet, fourteen _lire_ of small change, and eighteen
gold florins. Yet I have hope of finding them again; for I think ’tis
but within the last five miles I dropped them, and the weather is so
bad, there is none will travel that road after me to-night. And if ye
will do me a service, then, to-morrow morning if it rain not, do thou
come, or send a man back along the road with me to find it.” Scarcely
had the priest finished speaking, when those countrymen went out softly,
by twos and fours, so that at the last there was none left, and went
back along the road in the rain, hoping to find the money, leaving the
priest to take the best place by the fire.
FAGIUOLI AND THE THIEVES.
One evening Fagiuoli was going home, and when he came to his door he saw
some men bringing out his furniture, for they were thieves who were
stealing his things. He said nothing, but remained quiet, wishing to see
where they would take the things. When they had brought them all down,
they put them on barrows and took them away, Fagiuoli walking after
them. When the thieves saw a gentleman following them, they stopped and
asked him what he wanted. Then he answered, “I am coming to see where I
am going to live, as you have moved my furniture.” Then the thieves
threw themselves down on their knees, and carried back his things; but
he did not bring the matter before the magistrates.
THE THREE WORDS.
There was once a husband and wife, and they had three sons who did not
know how to talk. The time came when their parents died, and, when they
were both dead, the eldest boy said, “Do you know what I have thought
of? We will go and travel about the world, and so we shall hear people
talk, and learn to talk ourselves.” So they set out, and they came to
three roads. “Let us each go a different way, and the first who has
learnt anything come back here; and then we will seek service with some
one.”
The eldest took the middle road, and came to a churchyard, and as he
passed it he saw two men talking together. He came up with them and
heard one of them say “_Yes_.” “Ah! I have learnt enough—I have learnt
to talk; now I will go back!” He went back to the place where the roads
met and found no one there. There was an inn near by, and he went in to
have something to eat.
The second brother went on till he came to two peasants carrying a
bundle of hay, who were talking. He listened to them, and heard one say,
“_It is true_.” “I have learnt enough—I will go back;” and he went back
to the cross-roads as his brother had done.
The youngest went on till evening, when he saw a herd-lassie getting her
sheep together, and heard her say, “_That’s right._” “I’ve learnt
enough,” he said; “I’m going back.”
He came to the cross-roads, and found his brothers there. “What have you
learnt?” “I know _Yes_.” “And you?” “_It is true._ And you?” “_That’s
right._” “Now we can go to the king’s palace to take service, now that
we know these words.” So they all three started by the same road. When
they had gone some distance they found a dog-kennel, got into it all
three, and slept soundly. At midnight the dog wanted to go to bed,—he
barked and barked, but they would not let him in, so that he had to
sleep outside. “See,” said they, “to-night we have a dog to guard us,
like other people, but to-morrow morning we shall have to go away
quietly, without waking him.”
They got up in the morning, but the dog was asleep, and did them no
harm. Further on along the road they found a dead man. “Look at this
poor man!—he ought to be taken into the city—we must let the police
know.”
One of them went on to the city, and gave notice, and the police came
out. “Who killed him? Did you do it?” The eldest answered “_Yes_,” for
he could say nothing else; and the second said, “_It is true_.” “Then
you will have to come to prison.” And the youngest said, “_That’s
right_.”
So they seized them, and took them away to the town along with the dead
man. In the town all the people cried out, “They ought to be torn to
pieces! They have said it themselves! the villains!” And they could
answer nothing but _Yes_, _It is true_, and _That’s right_.
So, after asking them a great many questions, and getting nothing else
out of them, they put them in prison; and after they had kept them there
some time, they let them go, because they found out that they were only
fools. So the three brothers went home again.
GIUCCA.
[Illustration]
One day Giucca’s mother said to him, “I want this cloth sold, but if I
let you take it to the market you will be at your old tricks again.”
“No, mother; you shall see I will do it all right. Tell me how much you
want for it.”
“Ten crowns; and mind you sell it to a person who does not talk much.”
Giucca took the cloth, and went away. He met a peasant, who said to him,
“Giucca, are you going to sell this cloth? How much do you want for it?”
“Ten crowns.”
“No, that is too much.”
“Now, look here—I can’t let you have it at all, because you talk too
much.”
“Why, do you want to sell your goods without people’s saying anything?”
“Oh! I can’t let you have it.”
Giucca went on. When he had gone a little further, he came to a statue
of plaster of Paris.
“Oh! good woman, do you want to buy some cloth?”
The statue said nothing.
Said Giucca: “This is just right. Mother told me to sell the cloth to
some one who does not talk. I couldn’t do better than this. I say, good
woman! I want ten crowns for it”—and he threw the cloth at her;
“to-morrow I will come and fetch them.”
And he went home, well pleased. His mother said, “Giucca, have you sold
the cloth?”
“Yes,” said Giucca; “they told me I was to come and fetch the money
to-morrow.”
“But tell me—did you give it to a trustworthy person?”
“I think so. She was a good sort of woman, you may believe that!”
Let us leave Giucca, and go back to the statue, which was hollow, and
was the place where some robbers hid their money. In the evening they
came with some more money to put away inside the image.
“Look,” they said, “some one has left this cloth; let us keep it.” They
hid the money and carried off the cloth.
In the morning, when Giucca got up, he said, “Mother, I am going to
fetch that money.”
“Very good; be quick about it, and mind they give you the whole of it.”
Giucca went to the statue. “Hallo, mistress, I’ve come for the money!”
The statue said nothing.
“Oh! look here! It must not be the same as yesterday; to-day I want the
money. I see you have used the cloth. Give me the money, or let me have
the cloth back.”
[Illustration]
So he picked up a stone and threw it at her. And then the statue was
broken, and all the money began to fall out. Giucca was well pleased; he
picked up the money and went home.
“Look, mother, how much money I have brought you! I told you she was a
good sort of woman. First she did not want to give it me, but then I
threw stones at her, and she gave me all this.”
“But tell me, Giucca, what have you done?”
“Why, don’t you know her?—the creature who has been standing there bolt
upright for ever so long!”
“Oh! you rascal! what have you done? Dear me! dear me! With all this
money I had better find you a wife to look after you!”
THE HERMIT AND THE THIEVES.
... Once, she said, there was a hermit, a poor sort of priest, who lived
all alone, and had no society but his pig, with whom he used to eat at
the same table as a sort of penance for his sins. Besides the pig he had
a box of money, which he had collected in little sums given in charity
till it amounted to a good large sum, and this he kept hidden away under
his bed. Now it happened that there were two bad men, two robbers, who
heard of this box, and desired very much to get possession of it. So
they put their heads together to construct a plan to deceive the poor
old hermit. At last they hit upon one, and it was this: Having first got
a good strong rope and a large basket, they went one night to his house,
and climbed upon the roof without his knowledge, and let down the basket
until it hung before the sill of his window. Both of them then began to
sing—
“Arise, arise, O hermit,
And come up in the basket, O;
The saints in glory ask it, O,
Waiting in Paradise!”
The poor hermit, hearing these words, thought that the angels had come
from heaven to bring him his reward. So up he jumped and opened the
window, and when he saw the basket his joy was very great at the
expectation of going in it up to Paradise. So after crossing himself
devoutly, in he jumped, murmuring—
“Lord, Lord! I am not so good
That I should get into a basket of wood.”[35]
Up the robbers then pulled him, until he was half-way to the roof, and
then, fastening the rope round the chimney, down they ran, got into his
room, plundered him of his money-box, and made off with themselves.
Meantime for a long space the hermit hung there, waiting and wondering
why he had stopped, and praying with shut eyes; but at last he grew
impatient, for he did not go up, and the voices had ceased, and he
wriggled about so much that the rope broke, and down he came to the
ground, not without some severe bruises. But what was his indignation
upon dragging himself up to his room to find his money-box gone, and
only the pig remaining! However, he put the best face on it, said
“_Pazienza!_” and prayed still more earnestly. Now the same two robbers,
after having got possession of the box, began to think that they had
been very great fools not to have taken the pig too, which they could
sell at a good price at the fair. So they determined to try the same
trick again in order to get the pig. Up they got therefore on the roof,
and let down the basket as before, singing the same song, “_Arise, O
hermit_,” etc. But this time the hermit was not to be taken in; and he
answered to the robbers, whom he still thought to be angels, in verse
which may thus be Englished—
“Go back, you blessed Angels,
And let the good saints know
That once they’ve come it over me,
But a second time’s no go!”
_THE OLD LADY AND THE DEVIL._
[Illustration]
“The most perverse creature in the world is an obstinate old woman.”
A certain aged lady was desirous of eating figs, and went out into her
garden, intending to knock down a few with a long pole; but finding
herself unable to do this, in spite of her infirmities she began
climbing the tree to pick them, and did not even take off her slippers.
At this juncture the Devil, in human shape, happened to pass by, and
thinking that the old lady was about to fall, said to her, “My good
woman, if you wish to climb a tree to gather figs, you should at least
remove your slippers, otherwise you will most assuredly fall and break
your bones.” To this the old lady replied angrily, “My good sir, it does
not matter to you whether I climb the tree with slippers or without
them; pray go about your business, that I may not say, to perdition!” So
she went on climbing; but just as she was about to seize the branch on
which the figs were, one of her slippers came off, and she fell to the
ground. Lying on the ground, she began to scream; and when her family
came to see what was the matter she would say nothing but “The Devil
blinded me!—the Devil blinded me!” The Devil, who was not far off, went
up to her, and hearing what she said, found it more than he could stand,
and really blinded both her eyes, saying, “I warned you, and asked you
not to climb the tree in slippers, telling you that you would fall, and
in return for that you gave me a very rude answer. And now, instead of
saying, ‘If I had listened to that wayfarer I should not have fallen,’
you say ‘The Devil blinded me;’ and I, who am really the Devil, have
blinded you in very truth. What’s the good of blaming the cat when the
mistress is mad?” So saying, the Devil vanished away, and the obstinate
old woman was left without her eyesight.
_THE SUITOR AND THE PICTURE._
[Illustration]
A certain man of Celento having come to Naples to attend to a law-suit,
was forced to take a house; and in order to be near the Vicaria,[36] he
took one close to the Convent of San Giovanni a Carbonara. In this house
he found an old picture hanging on the wall, all black and grimed with
smoke, to which, thinking it to represent some saint, he recommended
himself most fervently every time he left the house, praying that he
might be preserved from every misfortune, find a good lawyer, and gain
his case. The first time he said his prayers before this picture, on
returning home at night, he was attacked and beaten by thieves. On the
next day he fell down the stairs and bruised himself all over; and on
the third he was arrested and imprisoned for a theft which had been
committed near his lodging. On coming out of prison he once more
addressed his prayers to the unknown image for a good lawyer; but this
petition, too, was granted the wrong way, for he fell into the hands of
one who was the greatest scoundrel and blunderer that could be imagined.
The poor Celentano, quite broken down by his troubles, redoubled his
prayers to the smoky picture in hopes of at least gaining his law-suit;
but after this last attempt, seeing that things were going from bad to
worse, he came home, no longer able to contain himself. “Now,” he said,
“I want to see what the picture is which has gained me so many benefits
from Heaven, and worked so many miracles in my favour.” He therefore
took it down from the wall, and, after having carefully cleaned it,
perceived that it represented a lawyer in his robes. Whereat he cried,
“Ah! thou accursed race! none other could have worked such miracles! A
fine saint I had chosen as my protector!” And therewith he cut the
picture in pieces and threw it into the fire.
A peasant of Chiaramonte,[37] returning home by moonlight, on his ass,
with two panniers of fresh-plucked grapes, passed by a cypress-tree, on
which an owl was sitting. The owl began to hoot and moan in so piteous a
manner that it seemed as though he would moan out his very heart. Poor
Vito (every Chiaramonte man is called Vito) was a fool, but he had a
kind heart, and he was saddened by the moaning of the owl, thinking that
perhaps he was hungry. So, overcome by compassion, he called out, “Owl
of mine, dost thou want a bunch of grapes?” The owl went on hooting
“_Cciù_.”[38] “How? Is one bunch not enough?—dost thou want two?”
“_Cciù._” “Oh! how hungry thou must be!—dost want a basketful?”
“_Cciù._” “But—holy Death! thou art insatiable!—perhaps thou wouldst
like the whole pannier?” “_Cciù!_” “Go to the devil! I have a wife and
children, and I cannot give thee everything!”
_NEWSPAPER HUMOUR._
During the recent elections there was a large popular demonstration at
Bergamo, where the police mustered in great force to prevent a
disturbance. A fiery-spirited youth, seeing a gentleman escorted by two
policemen, made a sudden rush to deliver him from his captors. In vain
the supposed victim protested that his generous interposition was quite
uncalled for.