A SPECIAL CHAPTER FOR YOUNG WOMEN.
MARRIAGE.
Advice upon this subject is very much needed. I am assured that it is
a subject not often talked of in families--at least, as it ought to
be--nor is it much alluded to in the pulpit, and the result is that
young people commonly get their notions about it from those only a
little older than themselves, and who therefore know but little more
than they do, or from those who form their opinions from the abuse
they see of it and so hold degrading and unworthy ideas respecting it.
Sometimes all that is known about it amounts to this, that it is a
delightful thing to be married.
It is quite true that it often is, and always ought to be, delightful;
still, you know it is frequently the reverse. You cannot, then, be too
cautious in the matter.
Nothing can be more orderly, right, proper, and holy than marriage. It
is not, however, quite so simple an affair as you may fancy. Every
good thing (and this is one of the best) requires some effort to
obtain it, and unless you take the right course you must not expect to
succeed.
You may often see a young woman who, from not entertaining correct
views on the point, is certainly taking a wrong course, her endeavors
being rather to make what she considers a good match than by acquiring
kind and orderly habits to qualify herself to become worthy of a
worthy husband.
That the best things are liable to the greatest abuses is notorious,
and from the lamentable fact that marriage is often abused we may
fairly infer its pre-eminent worth. In truth, there is nothing more
valuable. It is, then, highly injurious to entertain low notions
respecting it, and men who indulge in loose conversation on the
subject are likely at the same time to think meanly of women. Beware
of them, and if you hear them expressing such opinions in your
presence, withdraw from them at once as unworthy of your company.
Never fear but they will respect you the more for the rebuke.
Of course you are looking forward to settling happily, and will do
your best for that purpose. On this let me remark that all happiness
(that is, all that is genuine, and therefore worthy of the name) comes
from connection with the one great source of all good, and He has
freely and fully provided all the means necessary for our being happy,
both here and hereafter. He has placed each of us where it is best for
us to be, and in the circumstances that are best for us at the time,
and this applies to you and to me now. Howsoever much appearances may
be to the contrary, He cares as much for each of us as if we were the
sole objects of His care. It is only by doing our duty in humble
dependence on His assistance, which He never withholds, that we can be
happy. It behooves you, then, to consider well what is your duty, in
order that you may do it and may enjoy the blessings He is so ready to
bestow. I hope you may have been a loving and dutiful daughter, an
affectionate sister, and a faithful friend; then you may have good
ground of hope for the future.
WHEN A PROSPECT OF MARRIAGE
occurs you cannot do better than consult your mother, aunt, or other
discreet relative that has your welfare at heart, from whom you may
reasonably expect the best and most disinterested advice; and this it
will be well for you to be guided by. Women of mature years can judge
far better than you whether a man is likely to make a good husband.
You should likewise quietly and cautiously make your own observations
among your married acquaintances, especially where you believe there
is a comfortable and happy home. You will doubtless find that to a
very great extent this happy home depends on the wife's management and
economy. Very often it happens that when two husbands have the same
income, with the same number of children, there will be comfort in the
one home and discomfort in the other. Now, there must be a reason for
this, and you should endeavor to find it out and profit by the lesson.
It is said "Cleanliness is next to godliness," and truly the value of
cleanliness cannot be overrated. In point of time, it should go before
godliness, for where there is not cleanliness there can hardly be
godliness; and the health of body and mind are greatly dependent on
these two. Moreover, where can there be complete happiness without
health?
One of the most prolific sources of matrimonial difficulties is the
lack of knowledge on the part of wives of the duties of housekeeping.
In these days there are a hundred young ladies who can drum on the
piano to one who can make a good loaf of bread.
YET A HUNGRY HUSBAND
cares more for a good dinner than he does--as long as his appetite is
unappeased--to listen to the music of the spheres. Heavy bread has
made many heavy hearts, given rise to dyspepsia--horrid dyspepsia--and
its herd of accompanying torments. Girls who desire that their
husbands should be amiable and kind, should learn how to make good
bread. When a young man is courting, he can live well at home; or, if
he has to go a distance to pay his addresses, he usually obtains good
meals at an hotel or an eating-house; but when he is married and gets
to housekeeping, his wife assumes the functions of his mother or his
landlord, and it is fortunate for her if she has been educated so as
to know what a good table is. Those who are entirely dependent upon
hired cooks make a very poor show at housekeeping. The stomach
performs a very important part in the economy of humanity, and wives
who are forgetful of this fact commit a serious mistake.
You know full well that most young men--and most young women, too--are
desirous of marrying and having a family; but they do not sufficiently
consider that it is God who gives them this desire, and that for the
wisest of purposes; not only that this world may be peopled, but also
that its inhabitants may be prepared for heaven.
Nothing is more certain than that
MARRIAGE AFFORDS
the fairest opportunities for preparing for a better world. In it we
have others dearer than ourselves to think about and provide for; and
in doing so, we have often to practice that very useful virtue,
self-denial. Let me here impress upon you most deeply, that it is only
by making others happy that we can become happy ourselves. The angels,
we may be assured, are happy, because they are always actively good;
and for a similar reason it is that God himself is infinitely happy.
If you try to secure you own happiness by any other means than a
faithful discharge of your duty to God and your neighbor, you will
certainly fail.
I dare say you will find that
YOUNG MEN ARE FOND OF YOUR COMPANY,
and of paying you every polite attention, and you, as a right-minded
woman, are well pleased to be so treated. It is due to you _as a
woman_. Now, each of them is, or ought to be, looking out for a wife,
and it is well that you should know this. It is, too, more important
than you perhaps are aware, that you should be carefully making your
own observations, so that when the time arrives for one of them to ask
you to become his wife you may not be taken by surprise, but may know
how to act on the occasion.
Let me caution you here against a failing that is common among young
women. I mean that of making themselves too cheap. They feel flattered
by the attentions paid to them, and are not sufficiently aware that
many young men are fond of indulging in flattery; and such, if they
find a young woman weak enough to be pleased with it, will perhaps
play upon her feelings and gain her affections without having any
honorable intentions towards her.
As a protection against such, I recommend you to have a proper respect
for yourself, and to consider with what object or purpose you receive
their attentions. If you respond without an object, you may be doing
them wrong; if you accept them when they have no right intentions, you
allow them to wrong you. For this purpose consider well what you
are--a human being intended for an eternity of bliss. God has made you
a woman; and, believe me, as there is no fairer, so there is no nobler
creature than woman. She is formed to be her husband's helpmate and
the mother of his children, and the all-important work of training
these for heaven depends mainly upon her. Great, then, is her
responsibility; but God has given her the requisite love and power to
do her duty with satisfaction and delight. He has placed you in this
beautiful world that by doing your duty as a daughter, sister, wife,
mother, and friend, you may become fitted to enter His heavenly
kingdom.
During your courtship let me entreat you to be very careful and
circumspect. There is no period of life that can compare with this
delightful season. It is, or should be, full of sunshine and sparkling
with the poetry of life; but alas! to many it is the opposite. A want
of judgment--a momentary indiscretion--has not only blotted out this
beautiful springtime of life, but has marred, darkened, and blighted
the whole of the after lifetime.
No maiden can, under any circumstances, place her character in the
hands of any man before marriage. No matter how sincere the love, how
ardent the protestations, how earnest or plausible the pleadings, you
must not, you cannot, surrender your honor. You must preserve your
prudence and virtue; it is only by possession of these that you can
keep
THE LOVE AND RESPECT OF YOUR LOVER.
Be firm, be circumspect; a rash word or a false step may extinguish
forever all your bright hopes and prospective joys. Even should your
lover redeem his promises and take you to be his wife, this
indiscretion, or crime, will surely hang over you like a curse,
creating discord, trouble, and sorrow, the greatest portion of which
will fall to your share.
You must know that young men, however amiable, worthy or honorable
they may be, may, in a moment of intense excitement, commit a sin that
in their calmer moments they would not be guilty of for worlds.
But under all circumstances you will be looked upon to resist any
advances, and maintain your purity and virtue. No matter how high the
tide of passion may run in unguarded moments, and set in against
heaven and against society, the terrible and painful ebb will surely
follow and leave you stranded forever on the bleak and barren shore of
your earthly existence.
THERE IS NO STATE OF LIFE MORE HONORABLE,
useful, and happy than that of a wife and mother. There must and ever
will be inequalities of station, but happiness is equally attainable
in them all. To be happy, however, you must be good. Of course, I do
not mean absolutely good, for "there is none good but One"; but I mean
that you should be relatively good, and should aim at becoming better
and more innocent as you advance in life. Now, you cannot respect
yourself unless you know that you are worthy of respect; and if you do
not respect yourself, you cannot expect that anybody else will; and in
such case you will not be worthy of the love of any good man, and none
such will be likely to pay court to you. If, however, you take the
right means, in which I include prayer for divine guidance, you will
have the respect and friendship of all your acquaintances, and then in
God's own time, and, let me add, without your seeking it, the man whom
you can make happy will present himself and propose to make you his
wife, if it be God's will that you should become one.
Here are two very important points for your consideration: First, that
it should be your constant endeavor to
MAKE YOUR HUSBAND HAPPY;
and, second, that before you consent to marry him, you should
ascertain that he has those qualifications that will secure your
happiness. It most nearly concerns yourself that you do your duty to
God and your neighbor at all times, so that it becomes your habit; and
you will find it much easier, and safer, too, to do it every day
rather than on only particular occasions; for this would require a
special effort, and for the time, perhaps, put you into a state of
excitement, which, in all probability, would be followed by a
depression of spirits. What you should rather aim at is a uniformly
cheerful state of mind, resulting from a conscious and confident
dependence on Providence. If your husband knows from experience that
such is your character, he cannot fail, provided he be worthy of you,
to be content and happy.
IT IS THE NATURE OF YOUNG WOMEN
to be affectionate, and it is pleasant and usual for them to have
several dear friends, enjoying more or less of their confidence. Among
these may be included some of their male acquaintance. Now, while they
may esteem each of these as they would a dear cousin, they should know
and act upon the knowledge that it is only to _one_ they can give
their unlimited confidence and individual affection as a wife. It is
the height of cruelty and wickedness for either a man or a woman to
trifle with another's affection. Such base conduct has cost many a
young woman her health and peace, and even her life, and cannot,
therefore, be too much depreciated and avoided.
Let me, then, advise you to be
VERY CAUTIOUS
before you allow a young man to pay you such marked attentions as may
lead to marriage. It is not, you know, to terminate in seven years,
like an apprenticeship or a commercial partnership, but it is an
engagement for the life of one of the parties. I want you, then, to
profit by the experience of others, too many of whom enter into
marriage from light and low considerations, and not to settle in life
till you, and also your friends, see that there is a reasonable
prospect of your securing happiness, as well as comfort and a
respectable position.
When a young woman has property or expects it, or is possessed of
superior personal attractions, she should be especially prudent in her
conduct towards the numerous admirers which such qualifications
usually attract. No woman should allow herself to accept the
attentions of any man who does not possess those sterling qualities
which will command her respect, or whose love is directed to her
fortune or beauty rather than herself. On such a one she can place no
reliance, for should illness or misfortune overtake her she may find
herself deprived of that love which she had valued as the great
treasure of her life. Possessed of this, she feels that earthly riches
are but of secondary importance, and that the want of them can never
make her poor.
Moreover, a worthier man than any of her interested suitors may have a
sincere respect and affection for her, but be kept in the background
by the overzealous attention of his rivals. Still, if she has
sufficient self-command to patiently and calmly investigate their
general private character, she may find reason to decline their suit,
and may discover that the more modest and retiring youth is the one
that is deserving of her love.
While on this subject, let me caution you against the foolish
affectation which some girls practice in order to attract the
attention of young men. In their company be natural in your manners,
open and friendly and ready to converse on general subjects; not
appearing to expect that every one who pays you the ordinary
courtesies of society is going to fall in love with you. This mode of
behavior, which is more common with those who are vain of their beauty
than with others, frequently leads to such young women being more
neglected than their less pretending sisters; for prudent young men,
who are impressed with the necessity of a right decision in the
all-important step of marriage, instinctively shrink from those who
seem unwilling to give them a fair opportunity of judging whether
their hearts and minds are as attractive as their persons.
You may innocently admire many a young man for the noble qualities God
has bestowed upon him, without at all entertaining the idea either
that he would make you happy as his wife, or you him as your husband.
Thank God we are constituted of such different temperaments that all
may find suitable partners without clashing with each other's tastes,
if they will only be content to watch and wait.
It is the part of a young man to _watch_, to be actively desirous of
meeting with a suitable partner. In doing this, his first
consideration should be to seek for such a one as he can make happy;
not to look primarily for beauty, fortune, wit, or accomplishments--things
all very good in themselves, but by no means constituting the
essentials of happiness. If he is influenced by pure and simple
motives, he will not find, or expect to find, more than one that can
satisfy his desire, and he will not be in much danger of exciting the
envy or the rivalry of his companions.
On the other hand, it is becoming in a young woman to
WAIT PATIENTLY
till, from the assiduous and respectful attentions of a young man, she
can have no doubt that he is in earnest, when, and not before, she may
freely give him her company, and with every expectation of a happy
result. Be assured that no sensible young man is ever attracted by a
young woman whom he sees on the lookout for a lover; he is more likely
to think meanly of her, and to avoid her society.
It may, however, happen that a young man makes the offer before the
young woman knows enough of him for it to be right for her to accept
it, and before he, on his part, ought to take the step. In such case
it would be well for her, even supposing she is inclined to like him,
to tell him that he has taken her by surprise, and that she cannot
think of entering on so important a subject without consulting her
friends, to whom she accordingly refers him. It would then become her
duty to intimate to him that, although his attentions are agreeable to
them, he must wait a while, till, from further acquaintance, they are
enabled to judge whether it will conduce to the mutual happiness of
their daughter and himself for her to accept the offer he has so
kindly made.
But it is not only young men who
ARE APT TO BE HASTY
in these matters. It is, as is well known, not uncommon for parents,
especially mothers, very soon after a young man has begun to pay
attention to their daughter, to give him to understand that they wish
to know his intentions in reference to her. By such proceedings a
young man may be taken aback, and either hurry into a match, which
turns out unhappily, or be led to withdraw from a union which might
have resulted in the happiness of all the parties concerned.
That your parents should wish you to be married is only natural,
especially if their own marriage has been a happy one. It will be
gratifying to them to see a worthy young man paying attention to you,
and most probably they will let things take their own course. Marriage
is too important a matter to admit of being hastened.
There are, I am aware, unwise parents, who, from various motives, will
throw obstacles in the way of young people who are desirous of coming
together. Some are so selfish as to be unwilling to part with their
daughter, preferring their own happiness to hers. Others are so silly
as to think no ordinary man good enough for her, and therefore, if
they had their own way, would have her to become an old maid.
Fortunately, such shortsighted people are not infrequently outwitted.
If your parents are, as I hope they are, reasonable in their views and
expectations, one of the chief concerns of their life will be the
promotion of your happiness, and it behooves you to pay the utmost
deference to their opinion; and should they, from circumstances they
become aware of, deem it advisable that you should either postpone or
even break off an engagement, they will doubtless give you such
weighty reasons as will justify you in acting on their advice. Where,
however, as sometimes happens, they unwisely refuse their consent to
their child's marriage at a time when she well knows from her own
feelings, and also from the sanction she receives from the opinion of
trustworthy and judicious friends, that she would be making a real
sacrifice were she to comply with their wishes; if, I say, under such
circumstances she acts disobediently and marries the man she loves,
more blame attaches to the parents than to herself, and the sooner
they forgive her the better.
It is very common for young men, when going into the company of young
woman, together with their best dress to put on their best behavior;
in fact, to assume a character which is not their natural one, but far
superior to it.
Some hold the opinion that
"ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR."
To me it appears there cannot be greater folly and wickedness than for
young people who are thinking of marrying to attempt to deceive each
other. What is the good of it? A very short period of married life
will entirely dispel the illusion. I suppose people of the world may
think it fair to overreach one another in their dealings, saying
"everyone for himself." They have no intention of seeking to promote
the other's happiness; present gain is all they want. But a married
pair, to be happy, must
RESPECT AND ESTEEM, AS WELL AS LOVE,
each other; and this cannot be attained except by the constant
endeavor to _be_ as well as to _appear_ true and good.
That young men should behave well in the presence of women is only
natural and right; none but a fool would do otherwise. But you, long
before thinking of marrying, should take all fair means to learn what
is the general conduct and habits of your male acquaintance in their
family circle and with their daily connections. "Are they good-humored
and kind--able to bear the troubles they meet with? Are they
industrious, frugal, temperate, religious, chaste? Have they had the
prudence to insure against sickness and death?" Or, on the other hand,
are they addicted to drinking, smoking, betting, keeping late hours,
frequenting casinos, etc.? Your mother and other prudent friends will
assist you to find this out. Those who do not come up to the proper
standard, however agreeable they may be as acquaintance, certainly
cannot make good husbands. In company of such, it behooves you to be
well on your guard, and accept no attention from them. Should you
marry such a one, you would be sure to be miserable.
While, however, it is quite right that you should be careful about the
character of the young man who is paying court to you, it is of far
more importance to you that you should be careful about your own, and
this whether you marry or not. Indeed, a chief object in our being
placed in this world is that we may acquire good habits, and so be
fitted to associate with the just made perfect in heaven!
Be very guarded in your actions and demeanor. Cultivate purity of
heart and thought.
No woman is fit to become a wife who is not perfectly modest in word,
deed, and thought. No young man, who is worth having, would ever
entertain the thought for a moment of taking the girl for a wife who
is habitually careless in her conversation and displays a levity in
her manners. Young men may like your free and hearty girls to laugh
and talk with, but as to taking one for a wife, let me assure you they
would not tolerate the idea for a moment.
You may at times be unavoidably compelled to hear a vulgar word spoken
or an indelicate allusion made; in every instance maintain a rigid
insensibility. It is not enough that you should cast down your eyes or
turn your head, you must act as if you did not hear it; appear as if
you did not comprehend it. You ought to receive no more impression
from remarks of this character than a block of wood. Unless you
maintain this standing, and preserve this high-toned purity of manner,
you will be greatly depreciated in the opinion of all men whose
opinion is worth having, and you deprive yourself of much influence
and respect which it is your privilege to possess and exert.
COURTSHIP, AFTER ALL, IS A MOMENTOUS MATTER.
After taking all the counsel that may be offered, you must at last, in
a great measure, rely on your own judgment. Within a few short months
you have to decide, from what you can see of a man, whether you will
have him in preference to your parents, friends, and all others that
you know, to be a life companion. What can you do? How shall you
judge? How arrive at a correct conclusion? My dear young girl, there
is only One who can assist you. He, in His mercy to your helplessness
and weakness, has given to every virtuous and pure-minded woman a
wonderful, mysterious, and subtle instinct; a peculiar faculty that
cannot be analyzed by reason, a faculty that men do not possess, and
one in which they do not generally believe. At this all-important
period, this eventful crisis in your life, this womanly instinct
guides and saves you. You can feel in a moment the presence or
influence of a base, sensual, and unworthy nature. An electric-like
thrill animates you, and you are naturally repulsed from him. When
your suitor is a man of incongruous temper, ungenial habits, and of a
morose and unsympathetic disposition, this same precious, divine
instinct acts, and the man feels, though he cannot tell why, that all
his arts and aspirations are in vain. It will seldom be necessary for
you to tell him verbally of his failure; but should such a one blindly
insist upon intruding his attentions, do not hesitate to tell him
kindly but firmly your decision. Should your suitor be one who is
worthy, who will make you happy, this same blessed instinct will
whisper in your soul the happy news. From the first interview there is
frequently thrown around the maiden a peculiar, undefined spell; she
will feel differently in his presence, and watch him with other eyes
than she has for the rest of men, and in due time, when he shall ask
her to decide upon the question which shall seal the temporal and
eternal destiny of two human souls, she will gladly respond, giving in
loving trustfulness that which is the most precious, the most enviable
thing on earth: a maiden's heart, a woman's love.
Many persons, of both sexes, however amiable and pure their minds may
be, should conscientiously abstain from marriage. This applies to all
who have a tendency to consumption, scrofula, insanity, or any other
of those diseases which are so frequently transmitted to offspring.
This very important matter is not sufficiently known, and therefore is
not attended to as it ought to be; hence the great amount of sickness
and early death among children.
The tendency to inherit qualities is very evident in the case of
drunkards, whose children are often inclined to practice the vice of
their parents. The children of the blind, and of the deaf and dumb,
are also liable to be afflicted as their parents were. These facts go
far to show that it is literally true that the sins of the fathers are
visited upon the children. It is, however, gratifying to know--and
there are many well-attested cases to prove it--that whereas the
children born to a man while he was addicted to drunkenness were
similarly addicted to that vice, those born after he gave up his
vicious indulgence, and by that means improved his bodily health, were
free from the evil tendency.
One strong reason
WHY NEAR RELATIONS SHOULD NOT INTERMARRY
is that, as the same general tendencies prevail in families, when the
parents are nearly related they are very likely to have the same evil
tendency, whatever that may be; and, therefore, there is a great
probability that their children will also have the same, but more
strongly developed, and, consequently, the difficulty of their
overcoming it will be much increased.
How plainly, then, is it the duty of those about to marry, as well as
of those who are married, to strive to their utmost, with God's help,
to overcome disorderly habits of every kind; for, be assured, it is
only by such means they can hope to be blessed with good and healthy
children, and thereby contribute to their own happiness, and at the
same time to the improvement of the race as subjects both of this
world and of heaven.
As it is by no means certain that you will marry, and the time may
come when it will no longer be convenient to your parents to support
you, it will be good for you, keeping these contingencies in mind, to
qualify yourself to earn your own maintenance by some honest industry.
You will then have a right feeling of independence, and not be tempted
to marry, as too many young women do, not from the true principle of
sincere affection, but mainly for a living. They may thus obtain a
competence, and jog on comfortably, but they have no right to expect
that genuine happiness which I recommend you to aim at. When, too, you
see so many left widows, with small families, and, as we say, totally
unprovided for, you will become sensible of the soundness of the
advice I am offering you. As the Lord's tender mercies are over all
His works, it is evident, from what is occurring around us, that
trouble and adversity are better suited to the state of some people,
to prepare them for their eternal destination, than any amount of
prosperity would be. The poor are no less His children than the rich,
and he cares equally--that is, infinitely--for them all. It is
certainly wise, then, to be prepared to meet adversity, should He
suffer it to come upon you.
Again, suppose you should not have any suitable offer of marriage,
such as you would feel it your duty to accept, you are not on that
account to be disheartened, and fancy yourself overlooked by
Providence.
Single life is evidently the best for some persons; they escape many
troubles which perhaps they would find it very hard to bear. There are
many ways in which single people can lead a useful life, and be
AS HAPPY AS THE DAY IS LONG.
No one that is actively useful can be unhappy. What do you see around
you? Many, I admit, who are not so happy as we should like them to be;
but in most cases, if we could fully investigate the matter, it would
perhaps be found to have arisen from their thinking too much about
themselves and not enough for others. But, on the other hand, it not
infrequently happens, when a woman is left, and sees that the support
and welfare of herself and children depend on her own exertions, she
is enabled to so successfully put forth her energies and to employ her
talents which, till she needed them, she hardly knew she possessed, as
to surprise both herself and the most sanguine of her friends.
Now, it must be confessed that we are fallen creatures, and therefore
prone to evil. We are consequently always in danger of going wrong
and forming bad habits, but our Heavenly Father watches over us at all
times and gives us power to "refuse the evil and choose the good." We
are, I know full well, too much inclined to yield to evil influences;
still, as we always have divine aid if we implore it, I am not sure
that, on the whole, it is not as easy to acquire good habits as bad
ones. This much is certain, that whichever we acquire, they are likely
to remain with us and are not easily to be got rid of.
Among the subjects deserving attention as affecting our happiness is
one on which, perhaps, I am not entitled to say much. I refer to
dress. Now, I hold it to be a duty for people to dress well--that is,
according to their position, means, and age; and this not so much for
their own sakes as for the sake of giving pleasure to others. It is, I
admit, difficult to determine how much of one's income should be
devoted to dress, but I think few will deny that at present dress
occupies too much time, attention, and money. For my own part, I
confess I am most affected by female dress, and although certainly I
like to see women well dressed, and would rather see them a little too
fine than slovenly, I am often pained at witnessing the extravagance
and, to me, ridiculous taste exhibited. Whenever I see a handsome and
expensive dress trailing in the dirt, I regard it as culpable waste
and in bad taste, and when I see it accidentally trodden on I am not
sorry. I am inclined to believe that many women can hardly find time
or opportunity to perform any useful duty; they have quite as much as
they, poor things, can do to take care of their dress. I also believe
(and this is the serious point of the matter) that many a young man is
deterred from soliciting a maiden in marriage by knowing that his
means would not enable him to let her dress as he is accustomed to see
her, and this is doubtless one of the many reasons why so many of both
sexes remain unmarried. I hold, too, that whatever forms an obstacle
to marriage has a tendency at the same time to obstruct the entrance
to heaven.
I will now allude to some of the duties which will devolve upon you as
a wife; and recollect that it is on the faithful discharge of these
duties that your happiness, here and hereafter, mainly depends. All
labor is honorable, and you know who it is that says, "My Father
worketh hitherto, and I work." Being married, you must make your
husband feel
"THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME."
His business will probably take him from home most of the day, and it
should be your care, as I doubt not it will be your delight, to see to
his comfort, both before he starts and when he returns. It may
sometimes happen in his fighting the battle of life that he has to
encounter much that is unpleasant, and he may return home depressed.
You will then have to cheer him, and be assured no one can do it so
effectually, so pleasantly--aye, and so easily--as yourself.
It is not to sweep the house, and make the bed, and darn the socks,
and cook the meals, chiefly, that a man wants a wife. If this is all
that he needs, hired help can do it cheaper than a wife. If this is
all, when a young man calls to see a young lady, send him to the
pantry to taste the bread and cake she has made. Send him to inspect
the needlework and bedmaking; or put a broom into her hands and send
him to witness its use. _Such things are important_, and the wise
young man will quietly look after them. But what a true man most wants
of a true wife is her companionship, sympathy, courage, and love. The
way of life has many dreary places in it, and a man needs a companion
to go with him. A man is sometimes overtaken with misfortune; he meets
with failure and defeat; trials and temptations beset him; and he
needs one to stand by and sympathize. He has some stern battles to
fight with poverty, with enemies, and with sin; and he needs a woman
that, while he puts his arm around her and feels that he has something
to fight for, will help him fight; that will put her lips to his ear
and whisper words of counsel, and her hands to his heart and impart
new inspirations. All through life--through storm and through
sunshine, conflict and victory, and through adverse and favoring
winds--man needs a woman's love. The heart yearns for it. A sister's
or a mother's love will hardly supply the need. Yet many seek for
nothing further than success in housework. Justly enough, half of
these get nothing more; the other half, surprised beyond measure, have
got more than they sought. Their wives surprise them by bringing a
nobler idea of marriage, and disclosing a treasury of courage,
sympathy, and love.
And I would here caution you against giving way to little
misunderstandings in early married life. Sometimes trifling matters,
for want of some forbearance or concession on one side on the other,
perhaps on both sides, accumulate into serious results. These
differences might be avoided by married partners studying each other's
peculiarities of character, with the aim of mutually correcting, in a
kindly spirit, any wrong tendency or temper which may sometimes show
itself. Should you find you have inadvertently given pain to your
husband, do not rest until you have ascertained the cause of his
disquiet and succeeded in allaying the unhappy feeling. The earnest
desire to please each other should by no means terminate on the
wedding day, but be studiously continued through married life. Each
should always endeavor to think the best of the other, and instantly
reject every thought that might tend to weaken the bond of mutual
preference and perfect trust.
If he be wise, he will leave the housekeeping entirely to you; his
time and attention can be better employed elsewhere. To enable you to
do this wisely, you should, long before you marry, become familiar
with the quality and prices of articles of consumption, and where they
can best be obtained. Every wife should be able to cook well, whether
she has to do it herself or not. Health and good humor greatly depend
upon the food being of good quality, well cooked, and nicely served
up. She should also be able, if needful, to make and mend her own and
children's clothes.
Too much importance cannot be attached to cleanliness. Men may be
careless as to their own personal appearance, and may, from the nature
of their business, be negligent in their dress, but they dislike to
see any disregard in the dress and appearance of their wives. Nothing
so depresses a man and makes him dislike and neglect his home as to
have a wife who is slovenly in her dress and unclean in her habits.
Beauty of face and form will not compensate for these defects. The
charm of purity and cleanliness never ends but with life itself. These
are matters that do not involve any great labor or expense. The use of
the bath, and the simplest fabrics, shaped by your own supple fingers,
will be all that is necessary. These attractions will act like a
magnet upon your husband. Never fear that there will be any influence
strong enough to take him from your side.
An experience of many years of observation has convinced me that where
a pure, industrious, and cheerful wife meets her husband with a bright
smile on the threshold of her dwelling, that man will never leave the
home for any other place.
As all people are liable to illness, every young woman should aim at
being an efficient nurse. In case of illness, it is now generally
admitted that good nursing is of more value than medicine. To a sick
husband, a little gruel or other trifle prepared and given by his
wife's own hands will confer much more benefit than if prepared and
given by another. Should it happen to you to fall ill, you may expect
your husband to do his best; but you must not be surprised if he is
not your equal in that department. Nursing is one of the many useful
things which women can do better than men. A practical knowledge of
nursing will enable you to be useful beyond your own family, and will
enhance your value as a neighbor.
You have often, I trust, experienced the pleasure of serving others
from disinterested motives, and found that the pleasure has been
deeper and purer when you have engaged in doing good to those who
could not make you any return. This you have found to be the case
wherever you have had charge of a baby--one of those little ones of
whom the Lord says: "Their angels do always behold the face of my
Father which is in heaven." You have perhaps been surprised to find
how easy it was to perform such a duty, and let me assure you that you
may always expect to find it easy to perform your duty in that state
of life to which it shall please God to call you. He never requires
anything from any of His creatures beyond what He gives them power to
do. He is no hard task-master. You have only to look to Him and do
your best, and then you may safely leave the result in His hands.
Of all God's creatures, I know no happier one than a young mother with
a good husband and a healthy baby. I say a _healthy_ baby, for that
implies healthy parents, especially a healthy mother. She may justly
feel proud that God has intrusted a young immortal to her care, and
she should at all times bear in mind that it is His gift. While it is
on all hands considered honorable to hold a commission from the
President, and to fill a high office, contributing to the welfare of
many people, a mother may feel her office at least as honorable,
seeing she has intrusted to her the rearing and training of an
immortal being, and that she holds her commission direct from the King
of Kings. For, recollect, it is only by God's blessing that she
becomes a mother; for such is the present state of society that many
very worthy married people have not the privilege of offspring,
although they are intensely fond of children and seem to have no other
earthly want. They may, nevertheless, be very useful, and therefore
happy, in a different sphere, by the adoption of nephews and nieces or
in some similar way.
AT THE BIRTH OF HER FIRST CHILD
there is opened in the mother's heart a new well of love, such as she
had not known before; and although she may fancy that this is all
spent upon her babe, it is not so, for she loves her God, her husband,
and everybody else better than ever. The father, too, is similarly
affected; he also has a warmer love for his wife and for all his
connections.
A similar idea is well expressed by Moehler, a German writer, who says:
"The power of selfishness, which is inwoven with our whole being, is
altogether broken by marriage, and by degrees love, becoming more and
more pure, takes its place." When a man marries he gives himself up
entirely to _another_ being; in this affair of life he first goes out
of himself, and inflicts the first deadly wound on his egotism. By
every child with which his marriage is blessed, nature renews the same
attack on his selfhood, causes him to live less for himself, and
more--even without being distinctly conscious of it--for others; his
heart expands in proportion as the claimants upon it increase, and,
bursting the bonds of its former narrow exclusiveness, it eventually
extends its sympathies to all around.
Whenever a mother is supplying her baby with the food which God has so
wisely provided for it, or is ministering to any other of its numerous
and increasing wants, she may feel that everything she does for it is
pleasing to her Heavenly Father and has its immediate reward in the
delight she experiences in the act.
I can fancy that when a mother has washed her baby, and before she
dresses it has a good romp with it, smothering it with kisses, calling
it all the beauties and darlings and pets and jewels she can think of,
and talking any amount of nonsense at the top of her voice--the baby
all the while cooing, chirping, or even screaming with delight--at
such a time, I say, I can easily fancy that the angels are looking on
approvingly and enjoying the scene. And why not? "Of such is the
kingdom of heaven."
From the time that an infant first becomes conscious of its wants, and
long afterwards, it looks to its mother to supply them all, fully
believing her able to do so. She is, in fact, in place of God to it,
and it would be well for many of us if we trusted our Heavenly Father
as simply and as fully as the infant does its earthly mother.
Those who know no better, when they see a mother patiently watching
her sleeping babe, might wonder that she does not feel the want of
company. She has, however, company that they know not of, and of which
even she herself may not be conscious. If only our eyes were open, we
might see that she is not the only one that is so engaged--that
angels are also occupied in watching the babe and in supporting her.
I entirely agree with Dr. Watts, where, in his "Cradle Hymn," he makes
the mother say:
"Hush! my babe, lie still and slumber,
Holy angels guard thy bed."
You probably know the beautiful Irish superstition that when a baby
smiles in its sleep the angels are whispering to it.
"Before I became a father, I took little or no interest in babies; I
rather thought them troublesome things. But the arrival of one of my
own wrought a great change in me. It enlarged at once my views and my
heart, and I had higher and stronger motives to exertion. My interest
in them has not yet begun to weaken, and I have no reason to think it
ever will."
Girls are differently constituted from boys. God makes the intellect
predominate in males, and affection in females. Accordingly, a little
girl early shows a love for a doll, regarding it quite as her baby and
never taking into account that it is not alive. She has many of a
mother's cares and anxieties, as well as pleasures, about it; indeed,
as many as she is then capable of. It is a constant source of
amusement and employment to her. In all this we may plainly see the
hand of Providence. It forms a suitable introduction to some of the
interesting and important duties which will devolve on her if it
should be His good pleasure for her to become a mother.
You will, I dare say, readily see the object I now have in view. It is
that I wish to impress on you how desirable it is that you should take
every opportunity of becoming acquainted with the habits and wants of
babies, and the best way of managing them. The more you have to do
with them the more you will like the labors, and the easier and more
delightful it will become. It is fair that, before you have children
of your own, you should get your knowledge as to the management of
them by experience with other people's. I take it for granted you will
at all times do your best for them. You will then have but little
cause to fear accident; and if accident should happen, as with all
your care it sometimes will, you will have more confidence in your
powers, and will be more likely to do what is best at the moment, than
if you were unused to children. Much of the disease and early death
that happens among children arises from the ignorance of the mothers,
who, however, are much more to be pitied than blamed in the matter.
They had never been taught their duties toward their future
offspring.
Few mothers are, perhaps, sufficiently aware of the great influence
which their manners, habits, and conversation have upon the tender
minds of their children, even from birth. The child should grow up
with a feeling of reverence for its parents, which can only be the
case when wisdom, as well as affection, is exercised in its bringing
up. Hence the necessity of the mother fitting herself, both
_intellectually_ and _morally_, for her sacred office, that the child
may become accustomed to yield perfect obedience to her wishes, from a
principle of love, and may acquire, as it advances in life, the habit
of yielding a like obedience to that which is right.
As you well know that you are not perfect yourself, you must be
prepared to find that your husband has also his imperfections, and it
is no unimportant part of your duty to help him to get rid of them.
Indeed, it is one of the highest uses of marriage for each partner to
assist the other on the journey to the heavenly Canaan. But before you
attempt to point out a fault in him, consider how you had best proceed
so as to attain your object; for unless you adopt a judicious mode,
and an affectionate as well as earnest manner, you may do as much harm
as good. You must also carefully watch your opportunity; for what
would be favorably received at one time and under certain
circumstances, might under other circumstances give offence and
altogether fail of the good effect intended and hoped for. You do not
know how powerful you may be for good to your husband. There is much
truth in the saying, "A man is what a woman makes him."
Previous to your marriage it will be expedient for you not to give
your lover that full and unlimited confidence which it will be your
duty--and your inclination, too--to give him when he becomes your
husband. I refer chiefly to family and other private matters, not to
anything he ought to know to enable him to judge of your character and
position. Many unhappy marriages have been brought about through the
young woman letting it be known that she has "great expectations." A
worthless fellow may, in consequence, have succeeded in winning her
hand.
There is another point to which I must just allude before concluding
this address. It is doubtless the order of Providence for marriage to
take place, when possible, on our arriving at years of maturity. But I
would guard you against the evil results of _too early_ marriage,
before either body or mind is perfectly matured. We scarcely need
consult either medical or moral science to satisfy ourselves on this
by no means trifling point. We may find in society too many sad
instances of such immature and indiscreet unions. The minds of young
persons should be expanded by a certain amount of experience in the
world before entering upon engagements involving so many momentous
duties.
In your daily walks abroad, if you examine the countenances of those
you meet, you will doubtless be led to conclude that there is a great
deal of disease and misery in the world; but judging from my own
observation, I think you will find that the greater number of persons
exhibit signs of health and happiness. Much of the disease, and misery
with which the world is afflicted is the direct result of the
misconduct of the individuals themselves; but no little of it is
attributable to their parents, who have neglected or violated God's
laws of health, their misconduct thus affecting their descendants to
the "third and fourth generation." I cannot, therefore, too much
impress upon you the importance of your honestly trying to find out
any bad habits to which you are inclined, with a view to getting rid
of them, one by one, and supplying their place by good habits. By
pursuing this course you will not only do much for your own happiness,
but also for that of your children, if God should bless you with a
family. Children, you know, are often striking likenesses of their
parents, and in their minds and habits they likewise often resemble
them. You should strive, then, to be good--not from mere self-love and
that you may get to heaven, but because your duty to others requires
it.
Earl Granville, when laying the foundation-stone of the Alexandria
Orphanage, in England, thus expressed himself in reference to the
great value of children: "Few will deny that a child is 'an
inestimable loan,' as it has been called, or refuse to acknowledge,
with one of our greatest poets, that the world would be a somewhat
melancholy one if there were no children to gladden it." Children,
more than any other earthly thing, equalize the conditions of
society--to rich and poor they bring an interest, a pleasure, and an
elevation which nothing else that is earthly does.
Now, young people, before they think of engaging themselves, should
clearly know each other's peculiar views of religion; because if they
differ seriously on this point there is danger of it interfering with
that full confidence which is so essential to happiness.