_House of Commons, Monday, July 2._--"I am sorry," said Cap'en TOMMY
BOWLES, "that there is no CHATHAM, BURKE, or FOX alive at this moment to
resist this project of taxing the Colonies."
In their unavoidable absence the CAP'EN, contrary to his custom, offered
a few remarks. It had been just as well if he had omitted the
preliminary one. He really did not mean anything, much less did he
desire deliberately to offend his friends BARTLEY, BUTCHER, and BYRNE.
But, as the poet remarks, Evil is wrought by want of thought, and the
invidiousness of TOMMY'S remark lost nothing of sting because he had not
intended to hurt anyone's feelings--except, of course, those of SQUIRE
OF MALWOOD, and that is a legitimate occupation. When an enthusiastic
female admirer observed to the eminent WHISTLER that he and VELASQUEZ
were the two greatest artists of times ancient or modern, JEMMY modestly
observed, "Why drag in VELASQUEZ?" Thus BARTLEY, BUTCHER, and BYRNE
turned upon TOMMY with reproachful glance and murmured, "Why drag in
CHATHAM, BURKE, and FOX?"
However, all over now. The midnight bells chiming over sultry London
proclaim passing of Budget Bill through Committee. Been a long hard
fight, monotonous in its continuity, occasionally exciting in its
divisions, continuously illustrative of Englishman's faculty of never
knowing when he's beaten. Honours rest with SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, who
throughout has unflinchingly and, in the main, good humouredly, borne
the brunt of battle. The flesh is weak, especially when there is a good
deal of it, and the thermometer stands at 82 deg. in the shade. The SQUIRE
has snapped occasionally, JOKIM'S apologetic figure, upright at opposite
side of table, proving unfailing, irresistible, incentive. Even worse to
bear have been the desertion of a few followers and the importunity of
many. Had the SQUIRE been a weaker man, he would long ago have brought
the Closure to bear on obstruction, and there would have followed a
state of irritation, amid which, if Budget was not wrecked, it would
have appropriated the whole time of an extended Session. The SQUIRE,
going on another tack, has worn out obstruction by affecting the virtue
of urbanity if he had it not.
It was particularly hard lines, after getting Clause XXVII. through last
Wednesday with a majority of over half a hundred, to be compelled to
recommit Bill, in order that CLANCY might chortle, and REDMOND rage.
SQUIRE advised to resist; condemned from his own side when he yielded.
But what happened? At quarter past ten to-night Bill recommitted in
respect of this clause, and on stroke of midnight the whole thing was
done with.
"We Liberals," said the Member for SARK, "always know better than our
leaders. As there are many of us, and as we each take our individual
view, result somewhat chaotic. Good thing if in comparative leisure of
week end we think over how the Budget Bill was passed, and what would
have happened if we had worried the SQUIRE into going one of our diverse
ways."
_Business done._--Budget Bill.
_Tuesday._--Enter the apothecary. It was Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES who brought
him on. The last person in any one's mind. House in Committee on Army
Estimates; HANBURY to the fore. Bound to live up to the 534 speeches he
made and questions he put last year. TOMMY then beat him by fourteen,
and promises to be equally ahead in the current Session. The CAP'EN
hitherto had peculiar advantage, seeing that for many weeks he has been,
so to speak, cruising in home waters. Having been brought up on legacy
tax, teethed on death duties, TOMMY surprised himself and the House with
the command he displayed over intricacies of Budget Bill. HANBURY then
fell behind. Now, with House in Committee on Army Estimates, he can show
TOMMY a clean pair of heels, a spectacle in which that eminent and able
Marine may or may not take keen personal interest.
HANBURY began at once raising point of order; MELLOR ruled him out like
a shot; so went off on another tack. Adventured the startlingly novel
proposition that "promotion should be by merit." Enlarged on the theme
for twenty minutes; sat down only when he concluded that audience had
fully mastered the proposition, contemplation of which was new to their
bewildered mind.
It was at this stage TOMMY towed in the apothecary. He appeared on the
scene quite as abruptly as _Romeo's_ acquaintance in the streets of
Mantua:--
I do remember an apothecary,
And hereabout he dwells.
CAP'EN omitted details; but House gathered that his friend the
apothecary was, like _Romeo's_, meagre of looks, worn to the bones by
sharp misery. This condition engendered by circumstance that he had
been brooding in his needy shop, among the green earthen pots,
bladders, and musty seeds, remnants of packthread and old cakes of
roses, upon fact that whilst there are surgeon-majors in the Army, there
are no apothecary-majors. On behalf of his absent friend, TOMMY demanded
an explanation from SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR.
CAWMELL-BANNERMAN with the ruthless disregard of Shaksperian traditions
that seems to suit the War Office, said "apothecaries are an expiring
class," a way of putting it that suggested they had been dosing
themselves. Their place was now filled by non-commissioned officers, who
were called compounders of medicine.
What a fall is here. Fancy _Romeo_ going about the moonlit streets of
Mantua calling out, "What ho! Compounder of Medicine." This callous
remark had such effect on Cap'en TOMMY that he laid aside his
speaking-trumpet, and was heard, no more through the live-long night.
_Business done._--Some Votes in Army Estimates.
_Thursday_.--Looked in after dinner just now; startled to find HANBURY
on his legs, with bit of dirty white rag held out in both hands towards
Treasury Bench. Not many Members present; those on Liberal side
vociferously cheering. CAWMELL-BANNERMAN looking in better temper even
than usual; which was strange since Committee on Army Estimates been at
it since four o'clock, and only one vote passed. WOODALL, only other
occupant of Treasury Bench, been shewing how a man may smile and smile,
and be a Financial Secretary to the War Office. Now the smile broadens
till it stretches almost full length of Treasury Bench. As SARK says, it
justifies RUDYARD KIPLING'S bold imagery of BOBS sitting on a bucking
charger,
With a smile round both yer ears,
Ain't ye Bobs?
CAUSTON just bustled in, holding telegram at arm's length. It is the
reading of this that has broken the monotony of Committee with noise of
cheering, and dashed a smile along the Ministerial benches like a sudden
flash of sunlight. Only for this merry mood, one entering the House at
this particular moment might fear the worst. HANBURY been at it hour
after hour since Tuesday, when House got into Committee on Navy
Estimates. CAWMELL-BANNERMAN, a person of imperturbable temper. But
there are limits to human endurance; now they seem to have been reached.
This telegram CAUSTON has brought in and handed to War Minister
doubtless announces that all is ready; a file of soldiers waits on the
Terrace; HANBURY will be seized, bound, carried forth, blindfolded,
shot; and then the Committee will really get to business, and vote
Supply.
A sad fate for one only moderately middle-aged. _Tu l'as voulu_ ROBERT
WILLIAM. Still, cannot withhold the tear of pity as the hapless man
stands clutching at the extended white flag which announces his
capitulation, his entreaty for pardon, his promise of better conduct in
future.
Ask SARK if he won't say something for the doomed man. SARK, in language
not to be here repeated, explains that things are not what they seem.
Fact is, HANBURY has somewhere obtained (in what manner, SARK hints, may
be matter for police inquiry) a portion of sheeting, the property of HER
MAJESTY, supplied to soldiers. This he has brought down, intending to
confound CAWMELL-BANNERMAN. Happened to bring it out just at the moment
when news arrived of a great Liberal victory snatched at the polls at
Attercliffe. That's all.
_Business done._--Two votes in Army Estimates.
_House of Lords, Friday._--Peers not habitually given to tears. To-night
the MARKISS plunged them (especially Ministers) into condition of abject
woe. Only said that England was the head-quarters of the Anarchist
operations, the laboratory in which all their contrivances were hatched.
ROSEBERY jumped at opportunity with intuition of Old Parliamentary Hand.
Enlarged upon it with skill of born debater. MARKISS saw his mistake.
Hadn't meant anything; only his way of putting a case. But here was
ROSEBERY pitilessly making it clear how the Leader of the Patriot Party
had given his country away to the Paris gossips; how he had assumed a
state of things which, set forth on authority of ex-Prime Minister and
ex-Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, would be made much of by the
enemy abroad.
MARKISS for once so singed by his own blazing indiscretion that he did
not wait for SCHOMBERG MACDONNELL'S convenient correspondent, but
forthwith endeavoured to explain away his remarks. This led only to
tears coursing more rapidly down ROSEBERY'S pained face, whilst SPENCER
forlornly shook his beard as if it were the flag of England drooping
under the shamed skies, and KIMBERLEY dolefully dropped his head. A
pretty scene, admirably staged and acted.
_Business done._--The MARKISS puts his foot in it.
* * * * *
The Two Sarahs.
O Woman, you romp in with ease!
If you're not proud you're hard to please:
Men talk to-day on every hand
Of "the Grand SARA" and "SARAH GRAND."
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Irish Jarvey._ "LET ME DHRIVE YER HONOUR TO DUNEEN
HEAD."
_English Tourist._ "I HAVE SEEN THAT, PAT. I WENT THERE TWO YEARS AGO."
_Irish Jarvey._ "AH, YER HONOUR, SHURE THEY'VE ADDED TO THE SCENERY
SINCE THAT TOIME!"]
* * * * *
STARTLING FOR HER.--Mrs. R.'s niece read out the heading of a paragraph
in the _Daily Graphic_ last Thursday, which sounded to her attentive
aunt like "The New Baby." Mrs. R. was all attention, expecting some
gratifying intelligence from White Lodge. Imagine her astonishment when
her niece continued, "An addition to the collection of the Zoological
Society of London was made last week----" "What!!!" exclaimed Mrs. R.,
and her niece continued.) "When a gnu was born at the menagerie in
Regent's Park." The excellent lady was dumb with amazement. Then her
niece showed her the heading which was "A Gnu Baby," with the
illustration of the gnu baby and the old mother.
* * *
PHOSPHORESCENCE IN ART.--Said Professor DEWAR, in a recent lecture, "A
perfectly clean plate of metal does not phosphoresce, but the merest
trace of grease--such as is left by the touch of the hand--will make it
brightly luminous." Take, adds _Mr. Punch_, by way of example, a
perfectly clean plate of metal, apply to it the hand of a skilled
etcher, say of Professor HUBERT HERKOMER, R. A., and the result will be
brightly luminous, and what is more, it will last, and its bright
luminosity will increase with age.
* * *
VIVE ROSEBERY!--The owner of _Ladas_ celebrated the Derby triumph with
an entertainment to the Epsom Poor of the Union Workhouse, all
Unionists, of course, which makes the Premier's Ladasian horse-pitality
still more noble. "This week His Lordship entertains the Epsom
tradesmen," so it is announced. One of the entertainments will be of a
novel naval character, and will consist of a hornpipe by the celebrated
Old Epsom Salts. Afterwards nautical song, "_All in the Downs_."
* * * * *
REALLY SENSIBLE.--The Lord Chief Justice of England, Lord RUSSELL of
Killowen, (and if there is anything in a name isn't this "Justice to
Ireland"?) will commence his judicial duties, after the swearing is
over, to-day, Wednesday. His Lordship has appointed Mr. R. J. BLOCK to
be his Chief Clerk. Excellent appointment! Especially in this summer
heat, as when oppressed by the weight of his legal wig, the Lord Chief
will simply take it off and put it on the Block.
* * *
SHE KNOWS!--Mrs. R. is much pained on hearing that in some parts of the
Potteries the favourite song is the well-known one containing the
lines:--
The beating of his own wife
Was all the sound he heard.
As she shrewdly remarks, this indicates the manner in which the cottar
in this district is accustomed to spend his Saturday night.
* * *
OUR TOBY AND HIS ANXIOUS FRIENDS.--_Mr. Punch_ has received several
letters reminding him that the Duke of RUTLAND is a Cantab, not an
Oxonian as stated in our TOBY'S "Essence" for June 30. TOBY is delighted
to hear it. He will remember in future that "_Mr. Crummles_ is not a
Prussian," &c., &c.
* * *
"LONDON PLAYGROUNDS."--Drury Lane, Lyceum, Haymarket, Toole's, &c., &c.
The respective managers say they prefer to see these crammed, and object
to all "open spaces."
Transcriber Notes:
Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_.
Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS.
Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the
speakers. Those words were retained as-is.
The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up
paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate.
Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected
unless otherwise noted.
On page 14, the open single quotation mark was replaced with a double
quotation mark.
On page 18, the open single quotation mark was replaced with a double
quotation mark.
On page 22, the open single quotation mark was replaced with a double
quotation mark.
On page 24, there is a missing open rounded bracket, but the location where that bracket should be placed is unclear.