When the early cat erotically smiles
On the tiles,
I arise and rather accurately fling
Any thing
That is handy and adapted to my sense
Of offence;
Then I reconstruct my well-avenged head
On the bed;
But the hope of sleep deferred is deadly dull,
So I cull
Memoranda from the great and golden time
Of my prime.
Twenty years ago at Henley-on-the-Thames,
While the gems
Of the season simply sparkled into cheers,
(Little dears!)
I endeavoured to secure the Ladies' Plate;
Though of late
I have been the painful object of remark
In a barque;
But the circuit of my waist was not as yet
Fifty, nett;
And I fancy I was feeling pretty fit;
That was it.
_Then_ I fed on oaten fare and milky slops,
Steaks and chops;
Never, never looked a lobster in the face,
And the race
Saw me down to just eleven at the scales,
Hard as nails;
_Now_ I very much prefer to view the hunt
From a punt,
Or a houseboat, or an ark, or any sort
Of support,
While I minimise the necessary strain
With champagne.
At the yearly celebration it's the rule,
Hot or cool,
For a girl with yellow eyes and eager hair
To be there,
By a mass of mayonnaise and pigeon-pie;
So am I!
Oh the glory of the battle past recall!
After all,
What with hearts that freely wobble, stitch that stabs,
And the crabs,
And the quicken up to forty round the chest--
Lunch is best!
* * * * *
[Illustration: MODESTY.
_Housewife._ "WELL, IF I GIVE YOU SOME BREAKFAST, YOU'LL HAVE TO EARN
IT BY CHOPPING SOME WOOD FOR ME."
_Tramp._ "I'D LIKE TER 'BLIGE YER, LADY. BUT, BLESHYER 'ART, 'TAIN'T
FER THE LIKES O' ME TER FOLLER IN THE FOOTSTEPS O' MR. GLADSTONE!"]
* * * * *
SPECIALLY-ARRANGED MOTTO FOR THE VICTORIA STEAMBOAT ASSOCIATION'S NEW
VESSEL "THE PALM."--"_Palma, quae meruit, ferat_,"--(_i.e._, Let _The
Palm_ carry as many as she was constructed to carry, and not more).
* * * * *
Old Loves for New.
(_New Version of an Old Song._)
_If_ 'tis good to be merry and wise,
_If_ 'tis good to be honest and true,
Then 'tis good to keep on with the old "Woman,"
And carefully keep off the New:
For of honesty, truthfulness, wisdom, _and_ mirth,
The "New Woman" shows a most plentiful dearth.
* * * * *
The German Derby (61,000 marks) was won at Hamburg by Baron MUeNCHAUSEN'S
_Spider_. The Baron has done many wonderful things in his lifetime
(_vide_ the history of his adventures), and it was a foregone conclusion
that if he ran a horse at the Derby he was bound not only to win, but to
make something more than his mark.
* * * * *