"PETTENT PRATE."
It was about the time, in January, when clerks and correspondents were
beginning to write '59 without first getting it '58, that Dr. Sevier, as
one morning he approached his office, noticed with some grim amusement,
standing among the brokers and speculators of Carondelet street, the
baker, Reisen. He was earnestly conversing with and bending over a
small, alert fellow, in a rakish beaver and very smart coat, with the
blue flowers of modesty bunched saucily in one button-hole.
Almost at the same moment Reisen saw the Doctor. He called his name
aloud, and for all his ungainly bulk would have run directly to the
carriage in the middle of the street, only that the Doctor made believe
not to see, and in a moment was out of reach. But when, two or three
hours later, the same vehicle came, tipping somewhat sidewise against
the sidewalk at the Charity Hospital gate, and the Doctor stepped from
it, there stood Reisen in waiting.
"Toctor," he said, approaching and touching his hat, "I like to see you
a minudt, uff you bleace, shtrict prifut."
They moved slowly down the unfrequented sidewalk, along the garden wall.
"Before you begin, Reisen, I want to ask you a question. I've noticed
for a month past that Mr. Richling rides in your bread-carts alongside
the drivers on their rounds. Don't you know you ought not to require
such a thing as that from a person like Mr. Richling? Mr. Richling's a
gentleman, Reisen, and you make him mount up in those bread-carts, and
jump out every few minutes to deliver bread!"
The Doctor's blood was not cold.
"Vell, now!" drawled the baker, as the corners of his mouth retreated
toward the back of his neck, "end't tat teh funn'est ting, ennahow! Vhy,
tat iss yoost teh ferra ting fot I comin' to shpeak mit you apowdt udt!"
He halted and looked at the Doctor to see how this coincidence struck
him; but the Doctor merely moved on. "_I_ toant make him too udt," he
continued, starting again; "he cumps to me sindts apowdt two-o-o mundts
aco--ven I shtill feelin' a liddle veak, yet, fun teh yalla-feewa--undt
yoost paygs me to let um too udt. 'Mr. Richlun,' sayss I to him, 'I
toandt kin untershtayndt for vot you vawndts to too sich a ritickliss,
Mr. Richlun!' Ovver he sayss, 'Mr. Reisen,'--he alvays callss me
'Mister,' undt tat iss one dting in puttickly vot I alvays tit li-i-iked
apowdt Mr. Richlun,--'Mr. Reisen,' he sayss, 'toandt you aysk me te
reason, ovver yoost let me co abate undt too udt!' Undt I voss a coin'
to kiff udt up, alretty; ovver ten cumps in _Missess_ Reisen,--who iss a
heap shmarter mayn as fot Reisen iss, I yoost tell you te ectsectly
troot,--and she sayss, 'Reisen, you yoost tell Mr. Richlun, Mr. Richlun,
you toadnt coin' to too sich a ritickliss!'"
The speaker paused for effect.
"Undt ten Mr. Richlun, he talks!--Schweedt?--Oh yendlemuns, toandt say
nutting!" The baker lifted up his palm and swung it down against his
thigh with a blow that sent the flour out in a little cloud. "I tell
you, Toctor Tseweer, ven tat mayn vawndts to too udt, he kin yoost talk
te mo-ust like a Christun fun enna mayn I neffa he-ut in mine li-i-fe!
'Missess Reisen,' he sayss, 'I vawndts to too udt pecause I vawndts to
too udt.' Vell, how you coin' to arg-y ennating eagval mit Mr. Richlun?
So teh upshodt iss he coes owdt in teh prate-cawts tistripputin' te
prate!" Reisen threw his arms far behind him, and bowed low to his
listener.
Dr. Sevier had learned him well enough to beware of interrupting him,
lest when he resumed it would be at the beginning again. He made no
answer, and Reisen went on:--
"Bressently"-- He stopped his slow walk, brought forward both
palms, shrugged, dropped them, bowed, clasped them behind him, brought
the left one forward, dropped it, then the right one, dropped it also,
frowned, smiled, and said:--
"Bressently"--then a long silence--"effrapotty in my
etsteplitchmendt"--another long pause--"hef yoost teh same ettechmendt
to Mr. Richlun,"--another interval,--"tey hef yoost tso much effection
fur _him_"--another silence--"ass tey hef"--another, with a smile this
time--"fur--te teffle himpselluf!" An oven opened in the baker's face,
and emitted a softly rattling expiration like that of a bursted bellows.
The Doctor neither smiled nor spoke. Reisen resumed:--
"I seen udt. I seen udt. Ovver I toandt coult untershtayndt udt. Ovver
one tay cumps in mine little poy in to me fen te pakers voss all
ashleep, 'Pap-a, Mr. Richlun sayss you shouldt come into teh offuss.' I
kumpt in. Mr. Richlun voss tare, shtayndting yoost so--yoost so--py teh
shtofe; undt, Toctor Tseweer, I yoost tell you te ectsectly troot, he
toaldt in fife minudts--six minudts--seven minudts, udt may pe--undt
shoadt me how effrapotty, high undt low, little undt pick, Tom, Tick,
undt Harra, pin ropping me sindts more ass fife years!"
The longest pause of all followed this disclosure. The baker had
gradually backed the Doctor up against the wall, spreading out the whole
matter with his great palms turned now upward and now downward, the
bulky contents of his high-waisted, barn-door trowsers now bulged
out and now withdrawn, to be protruded yet more a moment later. He
recommenced by holding out his down-turned hand some distance above
the ground.
"I yoompt tot hoigh!" He blew his cheeks out, and rose a half-inch off
his heels in recollection of the mighty leap. "Ovver Mr. Richlun
sayss,--he sayss, 'Kip shtill, Mr. Reisen;' undt I kibt shtill."
The baker's auditor was gradually drawing him back toward the hospital
gate; but he continued speaking:--
"Py undt py, vun tay, I kot someting to say to Mr. _Richlun_, yet. Undt
I sendts vert to Mr. _Richlun_ tat _he_ shouldt come into teh offuss. He
cumps in. 'Mr. Richlun,' I sayss, sayss I to him, 'Mr. Richlun, I kot
udt!'" The baker shook his finger in Dr. Sevier's face. "'I kot udt, udt
layst, Mr. Richlun! I yoost het a _suspish'n_ sindts teh first tay fot I
employedt you, ovver now I _know_ I kot udt!' Vell, sir, he yoost turnun
so rate ass a flennen shirt!--'Mr. Reisen,' sayss he to me, 'fot iss udt
fot you kot?' Undt sayss I to him, 'Mr. Richlun, udt iss you! Udt is
_you_ fot I kot!'"
Dr. Sevier stood sphinx-like, and once more Reisen went on.
"'Yes, Mr. Richlun,'" still addressing the Doctor as though he were his
book-keeper, "'I yoost layin, on my pett effra nighdt--effra nighdt,
vi-i-ite ava-a-ake! undt in apowdt a veek I make udt owdt ut layst tot
you, Mr. Richlun,'--I lookt um shtraight in te eye, undt he lookt me
shtraight te same,--'tot, Mr. Richlun, _you_,' sayss I, 'not dtose
fellehs fot pin py mo sindts more ass fife yearss, put _you_, Mr.
Richlun, iss teh mayn!--teh mayn fot I--kin _trust_!'" The baker's
middle parts bent out and his arms were drawn akimbo. Thus for ten
seconds.
"'Undt now, Mr. Richlun, do you kot teh shtrengdt for to shtart a noo
pissness?'--Pecause, Toctor, udt pin seem to me Mr. Richlun kitten more
undt more shecklun, undt toandt take tot meticine fot you kif um (ovver
he sayss he toos). So ten he sayss to me, 'Mister Reisen, I am yoost so
sollut undt shtrong like a pilly-coat! Fot is teh noo pissness?'--'Mr.
Richlun,' sayss I, 've goin' to make pettent prate!'"
"What?" asked the Doctor, frowning with impatience and venturing to
interrupt at last.
"_Pet-tent prate!_"
The listener frowned heavier and shook his head.
"_Pettent prate!_"
"Oh! patent bread; yes. Well?"
"Yes," said Reisen, "prate mate mit a mutcheen; mit copponic-essut kass
into udt ploat pefore udt is paked. I pought teh pettent tiss mawning
fun a yendleman in Garontelet shtreedt, alretty, naympt Kknox."
"And what have I to do with all this?" asked the Doctor, consulting his
watch, as he had already done twice before.
"Vell," said Reisen, spreading his arms abroad, "I yoost taught you like
to herr udt."
"But what do you want to see me for? What have you kept me all this time
to tell me--or ask me?"
"Toctor,--you ugscooce me--ovver"--the baker held the Doctor by the
elbow as he began to turn away--"Toctor Tseweer,"--the great face
lighted up with a smile, the large body doubled partly together, and the
broad left hand was held ready to smite the thigh,--"you shouldt see Mr.
Richlun ven he fowndt owdt udt is goin' to lower teh price of prate! I
taught he iss goin' to kiss Mississ Reisen!"