_To the Reverend_--
Not finding my manner of life in books, although I have no difficulty
about it, yet, for greater security, I shall be glad to know your
thoughts concerning it.
In a conversation some days since with a person of piety, he told me
the spiritual life was a life of grace, which begins with servile
fear, which is increased by hope of eternal life, and which is
consummated by pure love. That each of these states had its different
stages, by which one arrives at last at that blessed consummation.
I have not followed all these methods. On the contrary, from I know
not what instincts, I found they discouraged me. This was the reason
why, at my entrance into religion, I took a resolution to give myself
up to GOD, as the best return I could make for His love; and, for the
love of Him, to renounce all besides.
For the first year I commonly employed myself during the time set
apart for devotion with the thought of death, judgment, heaven, hell,
and my sins, Thus continued some years, applying my mind carefully the
rest of the day, and even in the midst of my business, _to the
presence of_ GOD, whom I considered always as _with_ me, often as _in_
me.
At length I came insensibly to do the same thing during my set time of
prayer, which caused in me great delight and consolation. This
practice produced in me so high an esteem for GOD, that _faith_ alone
was capable to satisfy me in that point.[3]
Such was my beginning; and yet I must tell you that for the first ten
years I suffered much: the apprehension that I was not devoted to GOD
as I wished to be, my past sins always present to my mind, and the
great unmerited favors which GOD did me, were the matter and source of
my sufferings. During this time I fell often, and rose again
presently. It seemed to me that all creatures, reason, and GOD Himself
were against me; and _faith_ alone for me. I was troubled sometimes
with thoughts that to believe I had received such favors was an effect
of my presumption, which pretended to be _at once_ where others arrive
with difficulty; at other times that it was a wilful delusion, and
that there was no salvation for me.
When I thought of nothing but to end my days in these troubles (which
did not at all diminish the trust I had in GOD, and which served only
to increase my faith), I found myself changed all at once; and my
soul, which, till that time, was in trouble, felt a profound inward
peace, as if she were in her centre and place of rest.
Ever since that time I walk before GOD simply, in faith, with humility
and with love; and I apply myself diligently to do nothing and think
nothing which may displease Him. I hope that when I have done what I
can, He will do with me what He pleases.
As for what passes in me at present, I cannot express it. I have no
pain or difficulty about my state, because I have no will but that of
GOD, which I endeavor to accomplish in all things, and to which I am
so resigned that I would not take up a straw from the ground against
His order, or from any other motive than purely that of love to Him.
I have quitted all forms of devotion and set prayers but those to
which my state obliges me. And I make it my business only to persevere
in His holy presence, wherein I keep myself by a simple attention, and
a general fond regard to GOD, which I may call an _actual presence of_
GOD; or, to speak better, an habitual, silent and secret conversation
of the soul with GOD, which often causes me joys and raptures
inwardly, and sometimes also outwardly, so great, that I am forced to
use means to moderate them and prevent their appearance to others.
In short, I am assured beyond all doubt that my soul has been with GOD
above these thirty years. I pass over many things that I may not be
tedious to you, yet I think it proper to inform you after what manner
I consider myself before GOD, whom I behold as my King.
I consider myself as the most wretched of men, full of sores and
corruption, and who has committed all sorts of crimes against his
King; touched with a sensible regret, I confess to him all my
wickedness, I ask His forgiveness, I abandon myself in His hands that
He may do what he pleases with me. The King, full of mercy and
goodness, very far from chastising me, embraces me with love, makes me
eat at His table, serves me with His own hands, gives me the key of
His treasures; He converses and delights Himself with me incessantly,
in a thousand and a thousand ways, and treats me in all respects as
His favorite. It is thus I consider myself from time to time in His
holy presence.
My most useful method is this simple attention, and such a general
passionate regard to GOD; to whom I find myself often attached with
greater sweetness and delight than that of an infant at the mother's
breast; so that, if I dare use the expression, I should choose to call
this state the bosom, of GOD, for the inexpressible sweetness which I
taste and experience there.
If sometimes my thoughts wander from it by necessity or infirmity, I
am presently recalled by inward motions so charming and delicious that
I am ashamed to mention them. I desire your reverence to reflect
rather upon my great wretchedness, of which you are fully informed,
than upon the great favors which GOD does me, all unworthy and
ungrateful as I am.
As for my set hours of prayer, they are only a continuation of the
same exercise. Sometimes I consider myself there as a stone before a
carver, whereof he is to make a statue; presenting myself thus before
GOD, I desire Him to form His perfect image in my soul, and make me
entirely like Himself.
At other times, when I apply myself to prayer, I feel all my spirit
and all my soul lift itself up without any care or effort of mine, and
it continues as it were suspended and firmly fixed in GOD, as in its
centre and place of rest.
I know that some charge this state with inactivity, delusion and
self-love. I confess that it is a holy inactivity, and would be a
happy self-love, if the soul in that state were capable of it;
because, in effect, while she is in this repose, she cannot be
disturbed by such acts as she was formerly accustomed to, and which
were then her support, but which would now rather hinder than assist
her.
Yet I cannot bear that this should be called delusion; because the
soul which thus enjoys GOD desires herein nothing but Him. If this be
delusion in me, it belongs to GOD to remedy it. Let Him do what He
pleases with me; I desire only Him, and to be wholly devoted to Him.
You will, however, oblige me in sending me your opinion, to which I
always pay a great deference, for I have a singular esteem for your
reverence, and am in our LORD,
Yours, &c.