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Friend Mac Donald
BY
MAX O'RELL
AUTHOR OF
"JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND," ETC
Arrowsmith's Bristol Library
VOL. XXV
BRISTOL
J. W. ARROWSMITH, 11 QUAY STREET
LONDON
SIMPKIN, MARSHALL & CO., 4 STATIONERS' HALL COURT
1887
CONTENTS.
CHAP. I. -- A Word to Donald. -- The Scotch Anecdote and its Character.
-- The Scotch painted by Themselves.
CHAP. II. -- Donald, a British Subject, but no Englishman. -- Opinion of
the greatest English Wit on the Scotch, and the worth of that Opinion.
-- The Wit of Donald and the Wit of the Cockney. -- Intelligence and
Intellectuality. -- Donald's Exterior. -- Donald's Interior. -- Help
yourself and Heaven will help you. -- An Irish and a Scotch Servant
facing a Difficulty. -- How a small Scotchman may make himself useful in
the Hour of Danger. -- Characteristics. -- Donald on Train Journeys.
--One Way of avoiding Tolls.
CHAP. III. -- All Scots know how to Reckon. -- Rabelais in Scotland.
--How Donald made Twopence-halfpenny by going to the Lock-up.
--Difference between Buying and Stealing. -- Scotch Honesty. -- Last
Words of a Father to his Son. -- Abraham in Scotland. -- How Donald
outdid Jonathan. -- Circumspection, Insinuations, and Negations.
--Delicious Declarations of Love. -- Laconism. -- Conversation reduced
to its simplest Expression. -- A, e, i, o, u. -- A Visit to Thomas
Carlyle. --The Silent Academy of Hamadan. -- With the Author's
Compliments.
CHAP. IV. -- The traditional Hospitality of the Highlands. -- One more
fond Belief gone. -- Highland Bills. -- Donald's two Trinities. -- Never
trust Donald on Saturdays and Mondays. -- The Game he prefers. -- A
Well-informed Man. -- Ask no Questions and you will be told no Tales.
--How Donald showed prodigious Things to a Cockney in the Highlands.
--There is no Man so dumb as he who will not be heard.
CHAP. V. -- Resemblance of Donald to the Norman. -- Donald marketing.
--Bearding a Barber. -- Norman Replies. -- Cant. -- Why the Whisky was
not marked on the Hotel Bill. -- New Use for the Old and New Testaments.
-- You should love your Enemies and not swallow them. -- A modest Wish.
CHAP. VI. -- Democratic Spirit in Scotland. -- One Scot as good as
another. -- Amiable Beggars. -- Familiarity of Servants. -- Shout all
together! -- A Scotchman who does not admire his Wife. -- Donald's
Pride. -- The Queen and her Scotch People. -- Little Presents keep alive
Friendship.
CHAP. VII. -- Scottish Perseverance. -- Thomas Carlyle, David
Livingstone, and General Gordon. -- Literary Exploits of a Scotchman.
-- Scottish Students. -- All the Students study. -- A useful Library. --
A Family of three. -- Coming, Sir, coming! -- Killed in Action.
-- Scotchmen at Oxford. -- Balliol College.
CHAP. VIII. -- Good old Times. -- A Trick. -- Untying Cravats. -- Bible
and Whisky. -- Evenings in Scotland. -- The Dining-room. -- Scots of the
old School. -- Departure of the Whisky and Arrival of the Bible. -- The
Nightcap in Scotland. -- Five Hours' Rest. -- The Gong and its Effects.
-- Fresh as Larks. -- Iron Stomachs.
CHAP. IX. -- Religion and Churches in Scotland. -- Why Scotch Bishops
cut a poor Figure. -- Companies for Insuring against the Accidents of
the Life to come. -- Religious Lecture-Rooms. -- No one can Serve two
Masters. -- How the Gospel Camel was able to pass through the Eye of a
Needle. -- Incense and Common Sense. -- I understand, therefore I
believe. -- Conversions at Home. -- Conversions in Open Air. -- A modest
Preacher. -- A well-filled Week. -- Touching Piety. -- Donald recommends
John Bull and Paddy to the Lord.
CHAP. X. -- Donald's Relations with the Divinity. -- Prayers and
Sermons. -- Signification of the word "Receptivity." -- Requests and
Thanksgivings. -- "Repose in Peace." -- "Thou excelledst them all."
-- Explanation of Miracles. -- Pulpit Advertisements. -- Pictures of the
Last Judgment. -- One of the Elect belated. -- An Urchin Preacher. -- A
Considerate Beggar.
CHAP. XI. -- The Scotch Sabbath. -- The Saviour in the Cornfield. -- A
good Advertisement. -- Difference between the Inside and the Outside of
an Omnibus. -- How useful it is to be able to speak Scotch in Scotland.
-- Sermon and Lesson on Balistics at Edinburgh. -- If you do Evil on the
Sabbath, do it well.
CHAP. XII. -- Scotch Bonhomie. -- Humour and Quick-Wittedness. --
Reminiscences of a Lecturer. -- How the Author was once taken for an
Englishman.
CHAP. XIII. -- Drollery of Scotch Phraseology. -- A Scotchman who Lost
his Head. -- Two Severe Wounds. -- Premature Death. -- A Neat
Comparison. -- Cold Comfort.
CHAP. XIV. -- Family Life. -- "Can I assist you?" -- "No. I will assist
myself, thank you." -- Hospitality in good Society. -- The Friends of
Friends are Friends. -- When the Visitors come to an End there are more
to follow. -- Good Society. -- Women. -- Men. -- Conversation in
Scotland. -- A touching little Scene.
CHAP. XV. -- Little Sketches of Family Life in Scotland. -- The
Scotchman of "John Bull and his Island." -- Painful Explanations. -- As
a Father I love you, as a Customer I take you in. -- A good Investment.
-- Killing two Birds with one Stone. -- A young Man in a Hurry.
CHAP. XVI. -- Matrimonial Ceremonies. -- Sweethearts. -- "Un serrement
de main vaut dix serments de bouche." -- "Jack's kisses were nicer than
that." -- A Platonic Lover. -- "Excuse me, I'm married." -- A wicked
Trick.
CHAP. XVII. -- Donald is not easily knocked down. -- He calmly
contemplates Death, especially other people's. -- A thoughtful Wife. --
A very natural Request. -- A consolable Father. -- "Job," 1st chapter,
21st verse. -- Merry Funerals. -- They manage Things better in Ireland.
-- Gone just in Time. -- Touching Funeral Orations.
CHAP. XVIII. -- Intellectual Life in Scotland. -- The Climate is not so
bad as it is represented to be. -- Comparisons. -- Literary and
Scientific Societies. -- Why should not France possess such Societies?
-- Scotch Newspapers. -- Scotland is the Sinew of the British Empire.
CHAP. XIX. -- Higher Education in Scotland. -- The Universities. -- How
they differ from English Universities. -- Is he a Gentleman? --
Scholarships. -- A visit to the University of Aberdeen. -- English
Prejudice against Scotch Universities.
CHAP. XX. -- Scotch Literature. -- Robert Burns. -- Walter Scott. --
Thomas Carlyle. -- Adam Smith. -- Burns Worship. -- Scotch Ballads and
Poetry.
CHAP. XXI. -- The Dance in Scotland. -- Reels and Highland Schottische.
-- Is Dancing a Sin? -- Dances of Antiquity. -- There is no Dancing now.
CHAP. XXII. -- The Wisdom of Scotland. -- Proverbs. -- Morals in Words
and Morals in Deeds. -- Maxims. -- The Scot is a Judge of Human Nature.
-- Scotch and Norman Proverbs compared. -- Practical Interpretation of a
Passage of the Bible.
CHAP. XXIII. -- Massacre of the English Tongue. -- Donald, the Friend of
France. -- Scotch Anecdotes again. -- Reason of their Drollery. --
Picturesque Dialect. -- Dry Old Faces. -- A Scotch Chambermaid. --
Oddly-placed Moustachios. -- My Chimney Smokes. -- Sarcastic Spirit. --
A good Chance of entering Paradise thrown away. -- Robbie Burns and the
Greenock Shopkeeper.
CHAP. XXIV. -- The Staff of Life in Scotland. -- Money is round and
flat. -- Cheap Restaurants. -- Democratic Bill of Fare. -- Caution to
the Public. -- "Parritch!" -- The Secret of Scotland's Success. -- The
National Drink of Scotland. -- Scotch and Irish Whiskies. -- Whisky a
very slow Poison. -- Dean Ramsay's best Anecdote.
CHAP. XXV. -- Hors d'oeuvre. -- A Word to the Reader, and another to
the Critic. -- A Man who has a right to be Proud. -- Why?
CHAP. XXVI. -- Glasgow. -- Origin of the Name. -- Rapid Growth of the
City. -- St. Mungo's Injunction to Donald. -- James Watt and the Clyde.
-- George Square. -- Exhibition of Sculpture in the open Air. -- Royal
Exchange. -- Wellington again. -- Wanted an Umbrella. -- The Cathedral.
-- How it was saved by a Gardener. -- The Streets. -- Kelvingrove Park.
-- The University. -- The Streets at Night. -- The Tartan Shawls a
Godsend. -- The Populace. -- Pity for the poor little Children. --
Sunday Lectures in Glasgow. -- To the Station, and let us be off.
CHAP. XXVII. -- Edinburgh. -- Glasgow's Opinion thereof, and _vice
versa_. -- High Street. -- The Old Town. -- John Knox's House. -- The
old Parliament House. -- Holyrood Palace. -- Mary Stuart. -- Arthur's
Seat. -- The University. -- The Castle. -- Princes Street. -- Two Greek
Buildings. -- The Statues. -- Walter Scott. -- The inevitable Wellington
again. -- Calton Hill. -- The Athens of the North and the modern
Parthenon. -- Why did not the Scotch buy the ancient Parthenon of the
modern Greeks? -- Lord Elgin. -- The Acropolis of Edinburgh. -- Nelson
for a Change.
CHAP. XXVIII. -- Where are the Scotch? -- Something wanting in the
Landscape. -- The Inhabitants. -- The Highlanders and the Servant Girls.
-- Evening in Princes Street. -- Leith and the Firth of Forth. --
Rossend Castle at Burntisland. -- Mary Stuart once more. -- I receive
Scotch Hospitality in the Bedroom where Chastelard was as enterprising
as unfortunate.
CHAP. XXIX. -- Aberdeen the Granite City. -- No sign of the Statue of
"you know whom." -- All Grey. -- The Town and its Suburbs. -- Character
of the Aberdonian. -- Why London could not give an Ovation to a Provost
of Aberdeen. -- Blue Hill. -- Aberdeen Society. -- A thoughtful
Caretaker. -- To this Aberdonian's Disappointment, I do not appear in
Tights before the Aberdeen Public.
CHAP. XXX. -- The Thistle. -- "Nemo me impune lacessit." -- "Honi soit
qui Mollet pince." -- Political Aspirations of the Scotch. --
Signification of Liberalism in Scotland. -- Self-Government in the near
Future. -- Coercive Pills. -- The Disunited Kingdom. -- The United
Empire.
PRINTING OFFICE OF THE PUBLISHER
Friend Mac Donald.
CHAPTER I.
A Word to Donald. -- The Scotch Anecdote and its Character. --
The Scotch painted by Themselves.
Ah! my dear Donald, what good stories you told me in the few months that
I had the pleasure of passing with you! How you stuffed and saturated me
with them!
And the English pretend that nobody laughs in Scotland!
Don't they though! and with the right sort of laughter, too: a laugh
that is frank, and full of _finesse_ and good-humour.
You will be astonished, perhaps, that a three or four months' sojourn in
Scotland should permit me to write a little volume on your dear country,
and you will, may be, accuse me of having visited you with the idea of
seeking two hundred pages for the printer.
You would be very wrong in your impression, if you thought so.
To tell the truth, I did not take a single note in Scotland; but, on my
return home, all those delicious anecdotes came back to my memory, and
I could not resist the temptation of telling a few of them to my
compatriots.
After all, Scotland is almost a closed letter to the French; and I
thought I might make myself useful and agreeable in offering French
readers a picture of the manners and character of the Caledonians.
If, in order to be a success, a book of travels must be full of the
strange and the horrible, it is all up with this one. But such is not
the case; and he who advanced this opinion calumniated the public.
I have as much right as anyone to contradict such an assertion; for the
public has been pleased to give the kindest reception to my books on
England, and I certainly never had any other aim or ambition than that
of telling the truth according to Horace's principle, _Ridentem dicere
verum quid vetat_?
Scotland is perhaps the only country whose anecdotes alone would suffice
to give an exact idea of her inhabitants.
Irish anecdotes are exceedingly droll; but they only tend to show the
thoughtless side of the Irish character. They are very amusing bulls;
but while they divert, they do not instruct.
In Scotland, on the contrary, you find in the anecdotes a picture of the
Scotch manners and character, as complete as it is faithful.
The Scot has kept the characteristics of his ancestors; but his manners
have been toned down, and the language he speaks is growing more and
more English: he is a changed man, and, in good society, you might be
puzzled to tell him from an Englishman.
This is not a compliment, for he has no desire to pass for other than
Scotch.
Among those characteristics, there are two which he has preserved intact
to the present day: _finesse_ and matter-of-fact good-humour. You will
find these two traits in every grade of Scotch life--in tradesman,
mechanic, and peasant.
This is why, setting aside the upper classes, the Scotch differ
essentially from the English.
It is because of that good-humour that the Scot is more communicative
than the Englishman. He knows his failings, and does not mind talking
about them; in fact, he will give you anecdotes to illustrate them, and
this because they are national, and he loves to dwell on anything which
reminds him that Scotland is a nation.
I might have entitled this volume, "The Scotch painted by themselves,"
for I do but write down what I saw and heard. I owe the scenes of life I
describe to the Scotch who enacted them before me, and the anecdotes to
those who were kind enough to tell them to me.