"Well, good-bye, Sergeant. Awfully glad to have seen you again, and to know
you don't like being hustled any more than we did."
He laughed.
"One for you, Sir," he said. "But after all you was carrying a rifle, not a
bloomin' baby."
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Old Gentleman._ "IS THAT YOUR BABY?"
_Little Girl._ "NO, SIR, IT AIN'T OURN. WE AIN'T 'AD NONE SINCE ME."]
* * * * *
A Cool Reception.
"VISIT OF 10 WESLEYAN MINISTERS.
---- Wesleyan Church.
'Is happiness possible to-day?'"
_Provincial Paper._
* * * * *
"Nursery Governess to go to Jamaica early May; two boys ages seven and
four; one able to give first lessons and music."--_Times._
Then why can't he teach the other?
* * * * *
"A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY.
Exceptional Purchase of ---- Cigars. Weight about 1-1/2 lbs. Length 5
inches."
_Advt. in Evening Paper._
But only suitable, we should imagine, for very heavy smokers.
* * * * *
"Ex-Government Bedside Tables, make Boat Cupboards, Safes, Bookcases,
Wash-stands, etc., not large enough to live in."
_Provincial Paper._
Not a solution of the housing problem after all.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Head of the House._ "DON'T THINK I'M COMPLAINING, EMMA. I
KNOW I CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY NEW CLOTHES, AND DON'T IN THE LEAST OBJECT TO
HAVING WILFRID'S TROUSERS CUT DOWN TO FIT ME; BUT THE BAG OF THE KNEE MAKES
THEM FALL SO AWKWARD AT THE ANKLE."]
* * * * *
SCREEN _v._ STAGE.
[According to Mr. W. G. FAULKNER, who has recently interviewed CHARLIE
CHAPLIN at Los Angeles, the great film comedian chiefly reads serious
books on philosophy and social problems, being specially interested in
the prices of food and clothing. Romantic novels have no attraction
for him, and it is nonsense to say that he ever hoped to play
_Hamlet_, for "he does not like Shakespeare, whose works neither
entertain nor interest him."]
There is bitter grief at Stratford, on the silver Avon's marge,
Where the cult of WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE is extremely fine and large,
For across the broad Atlantic comes the petrifying news
That the greatest film comedian does not care for WILLIAM'S Muse.
Serious problems--economics and the price of margarine--
Occupy the hours of leisure that he snatches from the screen;
But the works of WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE he dismisses as inane,
And he harbours no ambition to enact the princely Dane.
This momentous revelation, little birds reveal to me,
Has produced a spasm of anguish in the heart of SIDNEY LEE;
Wails arise from HENRY AINLEY, BENSON, LANG and MOSCOVITCH,
Though so far no word of protest emanates from LITTLE TICH.
Still, by way of compensation for this ruthless turning down
Of the chief Elizabethan by a neo-Georgian clown,
'Tis averred that STOLL (Sir OSWALD), in a life of storm and stress,
Finds distraction from his labours in the works of WILLIAM S.
In this context I may notice that the "consequential" KEYNES
From an economic survey of the cinema abstains;
But this curious lacuna does not prove that he has missed
CHARLIE CHAPLIN'S true importance as a sociologist.
All the same, good Viscount MORLEY is, we are prepared to state,
Unaware of the existence of the peerless HARRY TATE;
And the name of MARY PICKFORD doesn't palpably convey
Any sort of connotation to the mind of Viscount GREY.
This is much to be regretted, but I'm not without the hope
That our publicists and statesmen may enlarge their mental scope
By frequenting entertainments where the pleased spectators rock
At the antics of GEORGE ROBEY or the drolleries of GROCK.
So, conversely, CHARLIE CHAPLIN, in a later, mellower phase,
May attain to the enjoyment of Elizabethan plays,
And, when economic problems on his jaded palate pall,
Recognise that there is something in our WILLIAM after all.
* * * * *