_House of Commons, Monday Night, March 9_.--Naval Estimates on again.
Approach delayed by action of CAMERON; House been Counted Out on
Friday; necessary for Government to set up Supply again; formal Motion
made by JACKSON; CAMERON objects; deeply distressed to think that
Government should have fallen so low as to permit Count Out. "It's
really shocking," he said, "Here we are brought from our peaceful
homes to London at this inclement season, to do the work of the
nation. Assembled as usual on a Friday night; important business on;
Ministers and their friends go off to dinner; and, it being found
there are not Forty Members present, House is Counted Out at half-past
eight. Night absolutely lost; Sitting criminally chucked away."
"Ah!" I said, sympathetically; "must have been very hard upon you,
sternly attending to your duty whilst others gambolled in the shade.
And then to be suddenly Counted Out! How many of you were there when
the Count was made?"
[Illustration: "Count" Cameron]
"Well--er--you see, TOBY," said CAMERON, almost blushing; "the fact
is I wasn't there myself, though that, of course, does not deter
me from invoking censure on Ministers. Indeed I am not sure that
the circumstance doesn't place me in a more favourable position.
Outsiders, you know, see most of game. I was outside; had, in fact,
comfortably gone off to dinner, expecting other people would stop to
make House. But they didn't, and I feel I'm just the man to make it
hot for OLD MORALITY and his friends, who ought to have been here."
Other people didn't seem to see it in quite that light. Condemnatory
Motion negatived by 184 Votes against 42.
House thereupon took up Naval Estimates. Instantly Commodore HARCOURT
appeared in offing; landed on Front Opposition Bench, diffusing
unwonted smell of stale mussels and seaweed. Commodore looked very
imposing pacing down quarter-deck towards Mace, with telescope
under his arm, sou'wester pulled well over his ears, and unpolished
square-toed boots rising above his knees. A blizzard outside; snow
and wind; bitterly cold; but the Commodore soon made it hot all
round. Fell upon JOKIM spars and sails, stem and starn. "Regularly
claw-hammered him," as GEORGE HAMILTON said, drawing on naval
resources for adequate adjective. Accused him of making a speech that
would have become CHARLES THE FIRST. Talked about levying Ship Money;
threatened a revolution; hinted at HAMPDEN, and, unrebuked by the
SPEAKER, called unoffending Prince ARTHUR the "youthful STRAFFORD."
Splendid performance, only wanting an audience. But the storm inside
House burst as suddenly as the blizzard without. Nobody knew that the
Commodore was close-hauled, and meant business. Few present to witness
the perturbed scene on the Treasury Bench:--OLD MORALITY huddled up
against GEORGIE HAMILTON, who was nervously tearing sheet of paper
into measured strips; JOKIM shaking in every limb, and white to the
lips; Prince ARTHUR most successful of the group in maintaining
his self-possession, though evidently not liking the reference to
STRAFFORD. The Commodore, looking in his tarpaulins considerably more
than six foot high, stormed and raged what time the snow and sleet
beat a wild accompaniment on the melancholy windows.
_Business done_.--Commodore HARCOURT goes again on the rampage.
_Tuesday_.--HOWARD VINCENT rather staggered to-night. Favoured by
fortune and the ballot, had secured first place for Motion on Friendly
Societies. Useful thing for coming General Election to be remembered
as advocate of cause of Working Man. Bestowed much care on terms of
Resolution; invited Government to encourage more general voluntary
provision for sickness and old age. Then adroitly dragged in the axiom
that "Sound principles of provident Insurance should be included
in the subjects prescribed by the Education Code for instruction in
elementary schools." That meant to draw OLD MORALITY; succeeded _à
merveille_.
"TOBY, dear boy," he said to me, half closing his eyes, and folding
his arms, whilst a far-away look melted into newer softness his kindly
countenance, "that reminds me of old days. Many a time have I written
out in my copybook, 'Take care of your Neighbour's Pence, and your own
Pounds will Take Care of Themselves.' 'Borrow an Umbrella, and put it
away for a Rainy Day.' 'Half a Currant Bun is better than No Bread';
'A Bird in a Pigeon Pie is better than three in the Bush.' Got heaps
of copy-books filled with these and similar words of wisdom. HOWARD
VINCENT is quite right. If there was more of this in our elementary
schools, there would be, if I may say so, more men like me. You
remember what Who's-This said, 'Let me write their copy-book headings,
and I don't care who makes their laws.' HOWARD VINCENT is on the right
tack; think we shall accept his Resolution."
So it would have been, if that eminent strategist had foregone his
speech. If he had laid Resolution on the table, and said, "There you
are," Government would have accepted it, and he would have had a night
of triumph. But he would speak. Spoke for an hour, and utterly ruined
chances of the Resolution he recommended.
[Illustration: Herbert Maxwell Performed his task well. _Anon._]
HERBERT MAXWELL, put up from Treasury Bench to reply for Government,
did his work admirably. After fearful _fiasco_ with CHAPLIN last
Friday, OLD MORALITY checked disposition to give young Ministers
opportunity of distinguishing themselves. If MAXWELL made a mull of
this, following on Friday week's catastrophe with CHAPLIN, it would be
serious. MAXWELL won more than negative credit of not making mistake.
He delivered excellent speech, showing complete mastery of subject.
_Business done_.--House Counted Out again.
_Thursday_.--An Irish night at last, Quite a long time since we talked
of the distressful country. Wouldn't guess that Ireland was to the
fore by looking at the Irish quarter. Usual when Prince ARTHUR is
on his feet expounding and defending his policy for Irish camp to be
bristling with contradiction and contumely. To-night only five there,
including BRER RABBIT. BRER FOX promised to come, but hasn't turned
up. Understood to be engaged in composition of new Manifesto. Towards
midnight Prince ARTHUR, wearied of the quietude, observed that he
didn't believe there was a single Irish Member present. Whereupon
NOLAN, waking from sleep, under shadow of Gallery, indignantly shouted
out, "What?" TANNER, just come in, roared, "Oh!" "Ah!" said Prince
ARTHUR, and the conversation terminated.
[Illustration: Mr. Swift McNeill "prating."]
Explanation of singular abstention is, that business under discussion
is Vote on account of Relief of Distress in Ireland. Prince ARTHUR
asks for £55,000 for that purpose; wouldn't do for Irish Members to
obey their first instinct, and oppose Vote moved by Chief Secretary.
If they were there, they might be expected to say, "Thank you;"
so they stay away, one or two just looking in to contradict T.W.
RUSSELL--"Roaring" RUSSELL, SARK calls him--when he gave an account
of what he saw during a recent visit to Ireland.
_Business done_.--Relief voted for Irish Distress.
_Friday Night_.--Lo! a strange thing happened. Fell asleep just
now, amid deadly dulness, depth of which no one outside House can
comprehend. Woke up, hearing familiar voice. 'Twas the voice of Prince
ARTHUR, I heard him complain; something about Ground-rents in London.
Not, quite his subject; voice, too, didn't seem to come from Treasury
Bench. But no mistaking it; same tone; same inflection. Now I come to
think of it, more like way he used to talk before he came to govern
Ireland. Opened eyes; looked down; behold! it was brother GERALD,
opposing STUART's Motion on Land Tax. Very odd; think I'll go to sleep
again.
_Business done_.--Slept.
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