If ever, in a railing mood, I have unjustly aspersed the Army; if,
by reason of deferred pay, over-diluted stew, or leave adjourned, I
have accused the Powers That Be of a step-motherly indifference to
my welfare, I hereby withdraw unreservedly all such aspersions and
accusations. For since my discharge tokens of kindly interest and
affection have reached me in such rapid succession that I am kept
wondering what the next will be. With a quarter of a million men in
his care (as I suppose, since my number was 256801), my fatherly
Record Officer has yet time for frequent correspondence with "crocks"
like me. He registers all his letters; he makes his instructions so
plain that a very suckling might understand them; he takes every
precaution lest, in the press of business, I should be overlooked.
I had been at home about a week when his first communication
arrived--an unexpected windfall purporting to represent the balance of
my pay and allowances. The method of computation would probably have
transcended my intelligence if it had been indicated; but there was no
attempt at explanation, nor did I desire it. I stamped and signed the
receipt form according to unmistakable directions, and returned it to
Headquarters. A few days later certain arrears of Separation Allowance
came to hand--arrears whose existence our own unaided sagacity would
never have revealed. Guided by an illustrative diagram we signed
the receipt in due form and returned it. Before we had ceased
congratulating ourselves on these accessions, yet another instalment
of pay was delivered, with form of receipt as in the previous case.
We were almost convinced that the country cottage and the leisured
ease of our dreams were within our grasp, but the well ran dry at
that point. Some of my balance may yet lurk in the coffers of the
Paymaster, but I dare not throw off the yoke of my bondage on the
strength of a bare possibility.
After a brief interval, Records returned to the charge with a bulky
envelope containing matter of great interest. One of the enclosures
certified that, for the term of three months, I was transferred to
Class W.P., Army Reserve. I made various conjectures as to the meaning
of "W," and so did Cinderella. On the whole we favoured "Warrior,"
but perhaps we were wrong. At all events, the interpretation of "P"
was clearly set forth by another document, which explained that I was
entitled to a pension of eight shillings and threepence per week so
long as I remained among the happy W.P.'s. There was also an identity
certificate, whereon some clergyman, magistrate or policeman must
attest that I was alive when I brought it to him, and a form of
receipt for all the papers in the batch. I signed it according to
instructions and returned it to Headquarters.
The identity certificate went back to a specified address, where
it set in motion machinery by which my pension paper was presently
delivered to me--accompanied by a form of receipt. This paper was
covered with mystic circles, whose meaning I discovered when I
presented myself at the post-office. They were apparently intended to
appease the presiding divinity by gratifying her passion for stamping
things. She hit my paper accurately in four of its rings, and then,
with a pleased smile, handed me thirty-three shillings.
Meanwhile Records had stirred up a benevolent neighbour to call upon
me. He belonged to an organisation for assisting discharged soldiers;
he was Opportunity in person for anyone who might need him; but,
as Cinderella explained, I was at that moment engaged upon work of
national importance and could not claim his help. Nevertheless she
thanked the gentleman and placed the incident to the credit of the
Powers That Be.
No acknowledgment was required for this visit; but a week later my war
services' badge was delivered per registered post, and I confessed the
fact both on the usual green slip and on the form of receipt which was
enclosed. Henceforth I was able to appear in public with an outward
and visible sign of the ferocity which underlies my demeanour, and my
most lurid tales had a substantial witness.
Two months went by, during which the O. i/c Records made no further
additions to our postbag. There are mornings when your friends appear
to have forgotten you, when a Levitical postman bangs your neighbour's
gate mockingly and forthwith crosses the street. On such mornings
our thoughts may have turned to Records with a certain yearning; but
mainly we felt his care like the air about us, and had no need that it
should materialise in idle correspondence.
At last my term of probation came to an end. In response to a
note from Records (with form for receipt) I returned my Transfer
Certificate and received in its place my final Discharge Papers--with
a form for receipt. At the same time I heard that the Commissioners
were in earnest consultation as to the continuance of my pension.
Thus goodness and loving-kindness have followed me ever since I handed
in the uniform. To this day I am the subject of anxious consideration.
Not a week ago the early post brought me my character. Imagine the
incessant parental watchfulness of an authority which can testify
concerning one two hundred and fifty thousandth of its charge that
he is "a good soldier, willing and industrious, honest, sober,
trustworthy and well-conducted." Think of the kindly interest which
prompted the O. i/c Records to insert a form of receipt--"to guard
against impersonation." My character might have got into base hands;
some unworthy person might have gone about professing to possess that
willingness, that industry, that sobriety, that trustworthiness and
that elegance of conduct which are mine alone; but the form of receipt
would baffle him. I cannot explain how, but Records knows.
What is yet in store for me the future bides; but this I know: while
England endures and Records continues to record, I shall not walk
alone.
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[Illustration: _Lady farm-help, being shown her new duties, notices
fowls having dust-bath._ "DEAR ME! I EXPECT THEY'LL WANT WASHING EVERY
NIGHT BEFORE I PUT THEM TO ROOST. I'D NO IDEA FOWLS WERE SUCH DIRTY
THINGS."]
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[Illustration: _Aunty (wishing to be sympathetic)_. "I'M GLAD TO HEAR
YOU'VE GOT YOUR SEA-LEGS, JACK, AND I HOPE YOUR FRIEND IS GETTING ON
EQUALLY WELL AND HAS GOT HIS TRENCH-FEET."]
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