children of nature, this sudden introduction to the true mode of life
discomposed our learned doctors in no small degree. Fairly aching from
head to foot with fatigue, Dr. Sheepshanks was the first to pause, so
out of breath that he could hardly speak, yet exclaiming, with a beaming
face, "Ah! you may depend, gentlemen, that the only way to enjoy life is
to take plenty of exercise!"
This was drawing rather too hard on the patience of his friends, after
what they had just endured, and Dr. Skihi exclaimed, rather crossly,
"At the same time, your exercise is a famous thing to make one thirsty!
I would give a great deal to obtain a drink of spring water; but that is
impossible at present."
"Impossible! why, there is nothing easier!" said Dr. Smelfungus.
"Science teaches us that some vegetables are nearly all water; turnips,
for instance. All you have to do is to get a turnip and express the
juice, and there's your drink of water."
"How about going to a well?" said Mumbudget; but nobody appeared to hear
him.
"And pray, are there any turnips hereabout?" asked the chemist,
impatiently.
Now, the fact was that Dr. Smelfungus had never seen a turnip; he had
only read in books that turnips were round, watery vegetables, yellow
outside and full of juice; for he was so interested in finding out all
about flowers and plants that came from Australia, and other out of the
way places, that he never troubled his head with common, homemade
turnips--those were too vulgar; but as he wished to appear informed on
all subjects, he pointed hap-hazard to a field beside the road saying,
carelessly, "Certainly; there are some."
Now, what do you think Dr. Smelfungus had really pointed out? Why, a
musk-melon patch! and as his companions knew no more than himself, Dr.
Skihi scrambled through the hedge without more ado, cut with his
penknife as many as he could carry, and returned to his friends. You may
believe how they enjoyed the feast, sitting on the soft moss, in the
cool shade of the trees; and after they were through, Dr. Smelfungus
gravely wrote down, "Turnip--a large, round vegetable growing on vines,
with a rough, yellow outside, ever so many seeds in the middle, and
tastes of nutmegs!"
After these exploits, the philosophers continued on their way, and Drs.
Smelfungus and Sheepshanks felt more proud of their learning than ever.
Meanwhile Dr. Mumbudget said nothing; so they gave him credit either for
thinking a great deal, or being too big a donkey to admire such
splendid experiments.
The sun had now mounted high, and our travellers began to feel its rays
inconveniently warm. Dr. Van Noostile, however, laughed them all to
scorn.
"Too warm! fiddlestick's end!" he cried. "This feeling warm and cold is
all humbug. Dr. Skihi can tell you that I went to the top of the house
with him every night for a week, last winter, to look at a comet, in
nothing but a night gown and an umbrella, and I never was better in my
life! Other people might have felt cold, or caught cold; but I--I
enjoyed the science of the thing! If you feel too warm, follow my plan;
make up your minds you _won't_ feel so, and the thing's done!" and Dr.
Van Noostile marched proudly along in the hottest part of the road, with
his nose in the air, though the sun blistered the end most abominably!
while the others, not to be behindhand in wisdom, followed his example;
all but Mumbudget, who kept in the shade of the trees growing beside the
road, and was secretly voted a greater donkey than ever.
Fortunately for the rest, who might otherwise have been sunstruck, a
friendly cloud bank, which had been for some time gathering in the east,
now began to cover the sky completely; and Dr. Mumbudget, speaking for
the second time, just said, "Rain coming; better hurry on," and then
relapsed into silence.
"Rain! no such thing!" cried Dr. Van Noostile. "When it is about to
rain, you will observe _that the swallows fly low!_ and as I don't see a
sign of a swallow, you may depend that----" His speech was interrupted
by a thunderclap, and then down poured the flood! in one of those
sudden, heavy showers that so often take place in summer, wetting the
whole party to the skin in less than two minutes. It was of no use to
run, and as they plodded along in the wet, our philosophers looked at
Dr. Van Noostile with faces in which anger and dismay were equally
mingled.
"Is this your knowledge of weather?" exclaimed Dr. Skihi, in a pet.
"Science teaches us that even a child of nature should go in when it
rains!" snapped Dr. Sheepshanks.
"And though water is undoubtedly necessary for internal refreshment;
external application, in the form of a hard shower, is only suitable to
plants!" snarled Dr. Smelfungus.
In short, they all set upon the luckless weather prophet, except Dr.
Mumbudget, who, when they had all scolded themselves out of breath,
quietly pointed out a farm house they were now approaching, and led the
way thither himself.
There was no need for words. Gladly did the wretched philosophers hasten
to its shelter, and avail themselves of the bright kitchen fire to dry
their flowered dressing gowns, and wet stockings and shoes. While they
were drying, and steaming like the safety valve of a high-pressure
steamboat, the good woman of the house, not without some doubts of their
sanity, set about preparing a savory meal. In a short time this was
ready, and the others were just sitting down to a dish of nice broiled
ham and some light wheaten biscuits, when Dr. Sheepshanks exclaimed,
with an air of amazement, "Is it possible, my friends, that you are
willing to violate the natural laws of health by eating dishes at which
a child of nature would be horrified! Not for me be so degenerate a
meal! _I_ shall lunch on fare such as a wild Indian best loves!" So
saying, he tucked up his sleeves, called for some unground corn, and
having pounded it in a mortar until it was in coarse bits, he mixed with
it a little water, and baked this horrible mess before the fire, in the
hot ashes. Then he asked for a slice of bacon, as venison was not at
hand, frizzled the out side slightly by holding it up on a cleft stick
before the fire, burning his ten fingers several times in the process,
and bearing it with heroic fortitude. Finally, he served up these
atrocious specimens of cookery on pieces of board instead of dishes, as
the proper diet for children of nature--and philosophers!
As he could not induce the other _savants_ to prefer the luncheon of
wild Indians to that of civilized Christians, Dr. Sheepshanks ate it
all up himself, though, in fact, his rebellious palate steadily refused
to relish the dainties prepared for it. Science must be made to triumph,
however, and the little doctor gallantly charged these "What is It's" of
cookery and finished the last morsel under furious protest of stomach.
Somewhat comforted by the meal, and seeing that the clouds had given
place to a clear sky, the philosophers resumed their dressing gowns,
woefully shrunken by the wetting and drying they had received, and
having liberally paid their hostess, started on the homeward road;
concluding that they had seen enough for one day. They were in the very
poorest condition for a long walk, for their theories, so far from
making them any happier, had produced only ill effects. Dr. Sheepshanks'
healthful exercise had given them all stitches in the sides, and aches
in the back; Dr. Smelfungus's knowledge of botany had betrayed them into
such excesses of melon alias turnip eating, that various queer doublings
up in the epigastric region began to make themselves apparent; the
natural philosophy, which had led Dr. Van Noostile and his good friends
to parade along the middle of the road in the sun, had given them
furious headaches; and, to crown all, Dr. Skihi now made the most
brilliant proposal of anybody.
Our good doctor was evidently brimming, one might say creaming, over
with the milk of human kindness; beyond a possible doubt he was about to
propound a discovery of benefit to the whole world. His bald head beamed
benevolence, overflowing beneficence to all mankind radiated from the
very tails of his dressing gown as he cried:
"My dear friends, you are all too tired to walk home now, ain't you? You
would like to get there before you could say 'Jack Robinson'--now,
wouldn't you? and if I were to accomplish that happy end, you could
never be grateful enough--now, could you?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the advocate of exercise, who wished from his
inmost soul, either that he had taken less turnip, or that the famous
seven league boots were on his legs at that moment.
"Then all you have to do," cried Dr. Skihi with sparkling eyes, "is to
get in a convenient posture; allow me to set off this retort of mine
behind you--" here he produced a "glass concern" from a side pocket, to
the horror of his friends--"and heigh, presto! you will find yourself
flying home like a skyrocket"--
"And coming down like the stick!" gasped Dr. Smelfungus, retiring in a
hurry, for the tails of his dressing gown and the gas retort of Dr.
Skihi were in inconvenient proximity.
Dr. Skihi vouchsafed not another word, but with an air of indescribable
dignity adjusted the retort, took out a cork--and--but words fail me to
describe the catastrophe! Before Dr. Mumbudget could rush forward to
prevent it, the gas had come in contact with the air, become inflamed
instantly, and sent Dr. Skihi whirling above the heads of his friends!
Vesuvius in eruption, coal mines on fire, mad bulls in the full rush,
and crackers exploding in a barrel, rushed wildly through the heads of
our philosophers, and when, finally, the rocket-riding doctor was
discharged on a hayrick, the only person who retained sufficient
presence of mind to go and pick him up was Mumbudget.
Poor Dr. Skihi! The victim to science remained insensible for some
time; and when he finally recovered his consciousness, could not at
first be persuaded that he was not in innumerable pieces. When he was,
at last, enabled to walk on, it was discovered that while they were
experimenting they had lost their way, and might be close to home or in
the middle of Kamtschatka for all they knew of the road. It was again
Mumbudget who helped them out of this difficulty, by speaking for the
third time that day; and this third remark of the sage was as much to
the point as the two first. "Ask somebody!" propounded Mumbudget, and
after hobbling miserably along for some time, this somebody turned up in
the person of a very small, ragged, dirty urchin; and under the
guidance of this contemptible little snipe did our prodigies of wisdom
arrive at last at the abode of Science and Knowledge!
As they entered the hall, Dr. Smelfungus, with an admiring glance at the
speechless Mumbudget, exclaimed, "After all, gentlemen, there must be a
science far higher than ours, since we, with all our knowledge, find
practical life a matter of such difficulty. Only one man, it appears, is
master of it, and there he stands!" and he made a low bow to Mumbudget,
who returned it by another, without a word of reply.
Dr. Skihi, at this, glanced with profound contempt at Smelfungus, and
gave a "hum!" that was echoed by the professor of health and him of
natural science; then raising himself on the tips of his toes, and
seesawing up and down at every word, he inquired, superciliously, "And
pray, sir, may I ask, in the name of my scientific friends, what branch
of science you profess, which is superior to every other?"
Mumbudget looked with a quiet smile at the excited little doctor, and
replied, calmly:
"Gentlemen, I am the professor of COMMON SENSE."
At this reply, the learned friends, Smelfungus not excepted, presented a
series of remarkably open countenances, as respected eyes and mouths,
while Dr. Mumbudget went on:
"Chemistry, Botany, Natural Philosophy, and Hygienics--all put together,
gentlemen, have failed to ensure us one day of rational enjoyment or
ease; for all these sciences are pure absurdities, unless they are put
in the hands of men who are governed by the wholesome dictates of common
sense. My wise philosophers, will you come to school to me?"
The doctors gazed a moment yet; first at the proposer of this new
doctrine, then at each other; and then, all rushing forward at once,
they seized his hands.
"You are right, my dear Mumbudget!" they exclaimed in a breath; "with
all our science we are most greatly in want of common sense! Open your
school at once; we will be the first to join its classes, and celebrate
the triumph of Reason over Philosophy!"
THE END OF THE FIFTH BOOK.
* * * * *
Transcriber's Notes:
Obvious punctuation errors repaired.
Page 95, "irrisistibly" changed to "irresistibly" (it--irresistibly--to)