DEMONSTRATES THAT ALL IS NOT SUCCESS THAT SUCCEEDS, AND
THAT AN OVERDOSE OF PHYSIC IS AS BAD AS A DISEASE.—ALL
WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES THE DOGS, NOT ONLY DULL, BUT
FEROCIOUS.—DEVISING BAMBOOZLEMENTS.—CHANCY MOUNTEBANK
DEPHOOL FLEA AND HIS BAMBOOZLING COMMITTEE.
[Illustration]
TRULY the plague of thinking was stayed, but a peril took its place
which the over-jubilant fleas had overlooked. For the dogs, by reason of
the intensifying of their hunger by the Cornering of all the means of
life by the Sacred Trustees, began to develop a hunger madness that took
on the form of blind and unthinking violence.
Now that the fleas had succeeded so well in keeping the dogs’ thoughts
down in their stomachs, and out of their heads, the dogs acted from
stomach alone, and in a way most disappointing and discouraging to the
fleas. They had ceased to think, certainly, but what they lacked in
thought they made up in feeling, and went blindly at anything that might
appease their awful hunger. They tore and killed and ate one another,
and, in their indiscriminating rage, ate even some fleas; and so meagre
and skinny did they become that their yield of blood very sensibly
diminished, insomuch that thousands of little fleas shrivelled up and
died, and divers of the eminent and large fleas grew slack around the
paunch.
In this extremity the fleas sent again for the wise fleas, and said:
“Alas! what shall we do? for the remedy is worse than the disease; we
have cured the dogs of thinking and seditiousness, but thereby our
Dividends have shrunk, and many of our beloved friends have died.
Better had we taken the risk of sedition than have brought on this state
of things. Your advice was not good.”
But the wise fleas replied: “Ye did overdo the matter. Told we not you
that ye must not quite kill the dogs that are your life? Ye ought to
have given them food and rest and recreation enough to have kept up
their blood-yielding efficiency. Ye have been great fools. Ye can only
carry the keeping-busy remedy to a certain point; beyond that it must be
supplemented by a wise bamboozlement. The two must be worked together in
proper proportion. Neither alone is all-sufficient; ye can neither treat
them altogether with perpetual toil and scramble, nor with perpetual
bamboozlement; but the two combined and worked in concert will bring ye
full salvation.
“Now, therefore, for the future be wise, and appoint ye a Bamboozling
Committee, and let those who are by special fitness appointed to keep
the dogs hungry and on the eternal trot note well the exact point at
which they require a recuperating respite—that is, a holiday—and then
let the Bamboozlers come on and take charge of them while they rest.
Thus shall the dogs be beautifully passed alternately from the Hunger
Makers to the Bamboozlers, and from the Bamboozlers to the Hunger
Makers, and they shall beautifully be preserved in health and utter
idiocy.”
And the fleas said: “How and where shall we find the Bamboozlers ye
recommend?”
The wise fleas replied: “That is easy; there are lots of them about, of
one sort or another. Let the Boards of Public Health and Safety seek out
fleas that have large understanding of and are learned in the science
and art of elegant fooling and beautiful lying, that are exceedingly
skillful of mouth, and can be depended on at a moment’s notice at any
time to demonstrate with all-convincing persuasiveness that black is
white, that darkness is light, and evil good, and can do this most
amusingly, and let these be appointed a Bamboozling Committee to devise
all manner of amusements and bamboozlements for the dogs, that shall
occupy their holiday moments and make them happy. Let your motto be:
‘Eternal bamboozlement is the price of Safety.’ We have spoken.”
And the advice of the wise fleas seemed good unto the other fleas, and
they commanded the Board of Public Safety to diligently search out such
as had great skill in bamboozlement. And the Board of Public Safety did
so; and at the end of seven days the eminent and wealthy fleas gathered
themselves together to hear how the Board of Public Safety had done.
And the Board of Public Safety made report thus: “Most eminent and
wealthy fleas: According to your order and commandment we have gone
through all Canisville and the country roundabout, and have sought
diligently for those fleas that have the gift of elegant lying and
bamboozling. For several days we sought without success. Truly, we found
liars in plenty; in fact, we found most fleas were good all-round
common liars; many of them proffered themselves for our service, and
were exceedingly anxious to serve their country, but we told them that
although we had the highest respect for their ability as common liars,
and had the highest appreciation of their zealous desire to perform
their duty on all common occasions, we were just now confronted with
an uncommon peril which demanded uncommon and extraordinary liars that
could rise to the level of the emergency and save the country. Some
of them did even throw contempt on our mission, saying there was no
necessity for all this nonsense of a Bamboozling Committee; that for
their part they considered the good old-fashioned way of bleeding dogs
to death quite good enough for the good-for-nothing, lazy things; that
they would not condescend to bamboozle them at all, but would just have
all the discontented and violent ones killed as a warning and example
to the rest. But we told them that they knew not what manner of spirit
they were of, and went our way; and with the blessing of God we at last
found a most elegant flea, of very great modesty, that had in the very
highest degree the very gifts we were in search of. This flea, we
found, was burying his talents in a napkin, and hiding his light under a
bushel, and wasting his skill of mouth at dinner parties, where he was
frittering away his gifts, that ought to belong to the whole nation, on
a small circle of friends whom he made to be merry and laugh. His name,
we ascertained, is Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea, and we found that he
has the very highest reputation amongst those who know him as an amuser
and speaker of buncombe, and we recommend that he be appointed head and
president of the Bamboozling Committee, with power to select his own
associates and co-workers.”
And the Board of Public Safety did according to the recommendation of
the wise fleas, and appointed Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea to be the
organizer and president of the Bamboozling Committee, which position he
was delighted to accept, he being, as he said, only too happy to do what
he could towards saving Society.
And Chancy Mountebank called unto him immediately Andronicus
Carnivorous: “For,” said he, “he is the most uncommon liar, bamboozler
and hypocrite we have;” and Wilhelm Bunkum Mak Tinley: “For,” said he,
“he is a very good dog fooler, although somewhat clumsy withal;” and
Harry Bambuzle Grandadhat: “For,” said he, “he can say many fine and
beautiful things that are not so.”
And the Committee met at once and proceeded to devise bamboozlements;
but they had not proceeded far when Wilhelm Bunkum Mak Tinley Flea arose
and said: “Respected President and Fellow Bamboozlers: we have committed
a great omission and oversight; we have left out of the composition of
this Committee the most transcendently glorious hifalutor, fictionist
and bamboozler of all ages and of all countries. I mean our most eminent
Canisvillian, the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite. Of course he
is only a barking dog, and as such may be technically disqualified from
serving on a committee of fleas, but having regard to his extraordinary
and astonishing gifts of mouth, and his tremendous abilities to dress
up the plainest lies in the habiliments of the most gorgeous and
resplendent truths, I think we ought by all means to have him made one
of us, for no Bamboozling Committee can be complete without him. I
submit that he is equal even to you, respected President.”
And President Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea said: “It is indeed a most
astounding piece of forgetfulness and stupidity on our part, not to
have thought of our friend De Little Wit Blatherskite. I thank our good
brother Mak Tinley Flea for reminding us.”
So the Committee went in a body to ask De Little Wit Blatherskite to be
one of them, and they made profuse apologies for the slight they had
unwittingly put upon him. And the Blatherskite was pleased to accept
their apologies; and he went along with them.