THE MORAL AND SPIRITUAL COBBLERS ADOPT PHYSICAL
COERCION.—SQUADS.—DOG-FLEA-MONKEY OFFICERS.—BRAIN
EMBALMING COLLEGE.—ENCOURAGING SUCCESS OF THE GANGS.
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THEN did the numerous Chaos Straighteners and Moral and Spiritual
Cobblers, seeing that they had the hearty appreciation of the Church of
the Fleas, in their efforts to spiritually “save” the bodily starved
dogs, feel much encouraged, and began to devise how they might improve,
strengthen and enlarge their saving methods. Having religiously gone out
of their way to coax and beguile the poor, depraved and rib-stripped
dogs into becoming good—though having religiously remained _in_ their
way while all the fleas, big and little, had depraved them—it was
naturally easy to go one step further and supplement their beguilements
with a little coercion. They reasoned that if it was right to hold nice
moral persuasives to the dogs’ noses to draw them onward and upward, it
could not be wrong to club them in the same direction from behind. They
said the “Getting to Heaven” was the main thing, and that even if a dog
had to be taken by the tail and flung over the wall thereof, and landed
inside with a flop that shook his bowels out, it was infinitely more
merciful to him than allowing him to go easily to Hell.
So they divided themselves into groups and squads for the purpose of
surrounding the dogs. To the churchy squads was assigned the duty of
standing in a little narrow, dingy and very uninviting moral alley-way,
which they euphemistically called the “Way to Heaven,” and with call
whistles and Jews-harps and kazoos calling the dogs’ attention to pretty
pictures at the far end of the alley-way, representing green fields and
flowing streams, and big piles of very meaty bones, and fat and full
dogs snoozing thereby, and other scenes supposed to be attractive to
starving dogs. Another churchy band strewed lollipops, drops of gravy
and other seducements along the alley-way.
These two bands called themselves “The Society of Strenuous
Endeavorists,” because they “endeavored” to cajole and persuade
flea-bitten and depraved dogs to go up the dingy alley-way.
Other squads planted themselves here and there at various strategic
points, where dogs were likely to break away, and “endeavored” by more
or less violent methods, to turn the faces of the dogs towards the dingy
alley-way and force them, by goads and prods and clubs, to be persuaded
by the Endeavorists and Lollipoppers. These squads proudly called
themselves by various distinguishing names, such as the “Go to Church
or be Clubbed Society;” “The Yanking Dogs Heaven-ward Association;”
“The Order of Holy Whackers and Thwackers;” “The Compulsory Holiness
Society;” “The A. A. U. S. G. B. & L,” which being interpreted, means
“The Association for the Advancement of the Use of Sanctification
Generating Billies and Locusts;” “The Society for the Promotion of Pious
Poverty;” “The Society for the Suppression of Natural Consequences and
the Sundering of Cause and Effect;” “The Gulp-a-Camel-and-Gag-at-a-Gnat
Society,” and the “Dog Souling and Healing Association.”
These squads were all officered by fat and comfortable mongrel
creatures, one third dog, one third flea, and the rest monkey, whose
qualifications for the headship thereof were that while young they had
graduated from a certain College of the fleas established to teach the
doctrine that virtue in dogs had no relation to their living carcases,
but could be arbitrarily produced in any dog by thrusting him into a
certain conventional moral mould, and thumping, walloping, pounding
and hammering him until he fit it. After several years of training
in this School where they saw thousands of dogs broken and smashed
and distorted, _but never a one made to fit_, and they themselves had
laboriously tried to make dogs fit the mould, but never did, they were
examined as to their proficiency in the science and art of achieving
moral failure; and as to their belief in the Attainability of the
Impossible; and if the examination was satisfactory they signed a solemn
declaration that they were true believers in that self-same blessed
doctrine.
Whereupon the Principals opened their heads to see if their brains
were _really_ full of that doctrine, and if so they poured therein
a ladleful of an antiseptic compound called “Compound Concentrated
Quintessence of Pig-Headed Bourbonism” that was warranted to keep sound
and immovably fix that doctrine in their brains all their lives; then
they hermetically sealed up the opening against the entrance of any
displacing idea, and turned the creature abroad upon the earth with a
diploma certifying that the holder thereof had been duly treated, and
had had his brain properly embalmed, and was thereafter incapable of
receiving any other idea if he lived a million years.
Now, all these gangs and squads had very “encouraging success” in
their work. That is to say the _success_ was not much—in truth it was
very little—but what there was of it was very _encouraging_ to them
because they were incapable of perceiving failure. Not many dogs could
be induced by the Strenuous Endeavorists and Lollipoppers to go up
the dingy alley-way, and of the few who went to the far end thereof,
most returned saying that, barring the lollipops and drops of gravy,
the fullness and plenty was all wretchedly pictorial, and the air was
so heavy and stagnant, and the surroundings so dull and dreary that
they preferred to go back and be damned hungry, rather than be “saved”
hungry. In fact they had got so used to being damned hungry that it hurt
less than the hungry “salvation.”
But over the little few who stayed in the Way to Heaven the Strenuous
Endeavorists made great rejoicings; they labelled them Spared
Monuments, packed them carefully in wadding and toted them round to
the churches of the fleas and exhibited them as fine samples of what
could be accomplished by “never wearying in well doing,” and the
Church applauded, and the Monstrous Fleas being appealed to for help
in carrying on the work, sent down their blessing and a large fund to
provide more lollipops and gravy, and an earnest appeal to the Strenuous
Endeavorists to endeavor to devise some scheme of salvation for the poor
unfortunate dogs that ground at the Handle of their Mill, and whose
spiritual interests lay very near to their hearts.
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