Eveline Annabel Wimple, D. T. Gwendolyn Witherspoon
Hennery Potts Howard Chesterfield Zibe
Hightower Simon Legree
Limpy Lucas Lord Worthington
Mrs. Thursday Noon Lady Worthington
Zeke Hardy Uncle Tom
Olaf Swenson Jason
SUSIE HIGHTOWER POTTS as LITTLE EVA
Presented by Eveline Annabel Wimple, D. T. under the auspices of the
San Pablo Church and Susie Hightower Potts.
Tickets are one dollar including a chance on winning the racehorse
used in this production.
Don’t miss this chance to see Howard Chesterfield win the big DERBY
RACE and see LITTLE EVA go to heaven. Either one will be worth the
price of admission.
“When is this here show to transpire?” asked Peewee.
“Tomorrow night,” says the bartender. “Eight o’clock sharp. She’s goin’
to be a dinger, gents. I’ve seen some of it, but from now on, she’s
private. I tell yuh, they had a hell of a time gettin’ Tequila up there.
Took him up this mornin’. Built a platform plumb across one end of the
hall, and they’ve been carpenterin’ and paintin’ up there for three
days. If it ain’t worth seein’, I never seen anythin’. Every danged seat
in the house is sold.”
“We ain’t got none,” says Peewee.
“Well, yuh won’t git none. They’re all gone. Alkali and Oasis shore
bought ’em in quantities.”
* * * * *
Wasn’t that a nice thing to do--sell ’em all out thataway? I shore
intended to speak to Hank Potts about it, but he never showed up; so me
and Peewee got a gallon of hard liquor and went back to the ranch,
brewin’ up a hate against San Pablo. We left word with the bartender to
tell Hank Potts what we thought of him and his show.
“Two of the best actors in the country--and they left us out,” mourns
Peewee. “Tha’s great. And me, who made Bill Shakespeare turn over in his
grave twice in one evenin’ in Dry Lake.”
I’m kinda hazy about things after that. A gallon of Hank’s liquor would
make a jackrabbit waylay a lobo wolf. Time don’t mean anythin’ to yuh,
and I thought it was the night before, when I realize that Hank Potts is
among us, and with him is a beautiful lady. I remember tryin’ to shake
hands with her and got Hank’s nose in my hand.
“I’m layin’ my cards on the table,” says Hank. “You fellers said yuh
knew how to act, didn’t yuh? In two hours we’re due to lift the curtain,
and we’re shy two actors. Zibe Hightower and Zeke Hardy got into a
fight, and Olaf Swenson tried to help Zeke, until Susie bent a
two-by-four over Olaf’s head. Zeke is plumb out of order, too. For the
honor and glory of San Pablo, I ask you to help us out. Hozie, you’ll be
Uncle Tom, and Peewee will be Jason.”
“Please, gentlemen,” says the lady. “I am Miss Wimple.”
“I’ll bezzer wife don’ know yo’re out here with thish woman,” says
Peewee.
“The curse of drink,” says the lady soft-like.
“If you think I’m drunk now,” says Peewee, “you ought to shee me, when
I’m right.”
“Yo’re both too drunk to act,” says Hank.
“Zasso? Who is? Me and Hozie? Say! Feller, I could play all the parts in
yore show, includin’ the racehorsh, without any rehearshal--tha’s me. Go
and git the horshes, Hozie, ’f yuh please.”
Peewee bowed to me, hit his head on the corner of the table, and wanted
to fight Hank for hittin’ him when he wasn’t lookin’. Anyway, we got to
town an hour before the show is due to commence. I got me a couple more
drinks, which I didn’t actually need, and then they took me up into the
hall. The back of that stage is full of actors and actresses, and I
remember Judgment Jones shakin’ hands with me and God blessin’ me for
helpin’ ’em out.
“The Sykes fambly never ignores a call for help,” I says. “Bring on yore
crowd and lemme act.”
I ain’t never played in a show before, but I thought I had. That’s what
jiggle juice will do for yuh. I kinda relaxed for a few moments, and
when I realized things again, I finds Hank Boll-Weevil Potts and Zibe
Hightower workin’ over me with somethin’ that smells a heap like
turpentine.
“Keep yore eyes open, Hozie,” says Hank, “they might stick.”
* * * * *
Bein’ in a happy state of mind, I let ’em go ahead, not realizin’ that
they was paintin’ me black as the ace of spades. It don’t hurt none,
except kinda makin’ me stiff around the eyes. They left me in the chair
and went about their business, and pretty soon I finds I ain’t got no
shoes on, and my feet are so black they shine. And by that time my face
is so stiff I can’t spit and I can’t blink my eyes. All I can do is
stare at things.
“In the first act, yuh ain’t got to say a word,” says Hank, “except at
the end, where you and Zibe walk out, you say to Susie, ‘God bless yore
kind heart, Miss Eva.’ Can yuh remember that, Hozie?”
I kinda nods. Remember? Shore I can remember. If somebody would crack
the paint around my mouth, I might say somethin’.
I can hear Judgment Jones out in front of the curtain, explainin’
things, and I hear him tell that me and Peewee has been added to the
show. Miss Eveline Annabel Wimple finds me, and she says in a voice what
is kinda choked, “Uncle Tom, yo’re goin’ to be a knockout.”
Then along comes Zibe Hightower. He’s wearin’ an old plug hat, long,
black coat, which Judgment Jones uses on Sunday, a pair of striped pants
and boots. He’s got some big black eyebrows painted up above his scrawny
ones and his mustache is as black as ink. In one hand he’s packin’ a
blacksnake whip, and he’s seven-eighths drunk.
There’s Susie Hightower Potts, wearin’ a knee-length white dress, and
she’s wearin’ more paint than a warpath Apache. Susie weighs two-twenty
on the hoof, and she ain’t over five feet tall. Cometh Hank Potts, ready
for the fray, wearin’ one of his wife’s polka-dot waists, a pair of
tight pants made out of a sheet, and a pair of boots, which he has
painted with black enamel. On his head is a little speckled jockey cap,
with a long beak.
“Limpy” Lucas is almost in-cog-neeto in a boiled shirt, glasses and
Hank’s old brown derby. Mrs. Thursday Noon is wearin’ a necklace of them
cut-glass dinguses off a chandelier, a feather fan, and a dress so
danged tight that she couldn’t set down without havin’ a accident.
* * * * *
Then cometh a interruption in the shape of Dog-Rib Davidson, Roarin’
Lyons and “Nebrasky” Smith. The two former are from Oasis, and the
latter is from Alkali.
“We’ve been appointed a committee,” states Dog-Rib. “We bought tickets
in good faith, expectin’ to see a show, but we finds that you’ve done
fired two of yore best actors--Zeke Hardy and Olaf Swenson--and we know
why yuh ditched ’em. It’s ’cause Zeke used to live in Oasis, and Olaf
used to hibernate in Alkali. We hereby demand our money back.”
“No, yuh can’t do that,” says Hank. “We’re ready to start the show.”
“Money or scalps,” says Roarin’.
“Let us arbitrate,” suggests Judgment Jones. “We’ve got two better
actors to take their places, and the show will be much better.”
“That’s what you say,” grunts Dog-Rib. “Where’s the proof?”
“How’s it better, I’d crave to know, that’s what I’d crave,” says
Roarin’ Lyons.
“Brother, you’ve got a cravin’,” agrees Nebrasky, “and so have I.”
“Well,” says Hank sad-like, “the only way to prove it is to go ahead and
play her out, boys.”
“I’ll tell yuh what we’ll do,” says Dog-Rib. “I’m a fair man and I’ll
allus do the right thing. Us, as a committee, will judge. We’ll watch
yuh do this here play-actin’, and if we decided it ain’t as good as Zeke
and Olaf could have played her, you give us back our money.”
“My Gawd!” groans Hank. “In yore opinion! Well, I reckon it’ll be all
right, Dog-Rib.”
“We’ll be on the front row,” warns Dog-Rib, “and yuh better give us
plenty show for our money. We’ll be especially watchin’ Peewee and
Hozie.”
And me without a voice in the matter. I’d quit right now, if I could
talk enough to resign. The rest of the outfit gits around me, and they
shore told me a lot I didn’t know about actin’.
“You two jiggers ain’t the leadin’ parts in this here drammer of the
Sunny South,” says Hank, “but right now yo’re prominent as hell. On you
depends about five hundred dollars; so act. San Pablo is watchin’ yuh.”
“I’ll do my bes’,” declares Peewee, “and if it comes to the worsht, I
can lick about three of that committee. How about you, Hozie?”
I don’t say nothin’. Peewee takes hold of my face and squeezes it a
little. It left my nose out of line and my lips open, as though I was
goin’ to whistle.
“Hank, that paint hardened on Hozie,” says Peewee. “He can’t talk.”
“All right. Mebbe it’ll be better. There goes the openin’ music.”
It’s the three-piece orchestra--bull fiddle, accordion and drum, playin’
“My Old Kentucky Home,” with variations.
* * * * *
After that, the show started, and Hank led me and Peewee around to where
we can see what’s goin’ on.
“This first act is the drawin’-room of the Witherspoon mansion,”
whispers Hank. “Watch Susie and Miss Wimple; they do this well.”
I reckon I got some paint in my ears, ’cause I don’t hear so awful good,
but I hears Susie sayin’, “--since my darlin’ pappy died----”
And then Dog-Rib stands up and says, “Wait a minute, will yuh. Lemme git
this straight. Is Zibe Hightower dead?”
“That’s worth the price of admission,” says “Kansas” McGill, “if she
gives the right answer.”
Old Judgment Jones steps out and says, “This here is all actin’, and
Zibe ain’t dead. Now, we don’t want no more interruptin’ from nobody.
Amen.”
“You shore act cheerful while givin’ bad news,” says Kansas, and the
show starts in ag’in.
I can’t git head nor tail to any of it. Mrs. Thursday Noon comes on, and
the audience gives a big whoop. She shore sparkles, but forget what she
came out there for, and proceeds to knock over a table and hit her chin
on the edge of the sofy, where Miss Wimple is settin’. Her necklace got
up around her ears and the dress busted between the shoulders, but they
got her propped up on the sofy. The thing seems kinda deadlocked out
there, so Hank Potts goes on. They gave Hank three cheers, but he don’t
mind. He’s got somethin’ to say, and he’s sayin’ it.
“When yore daddy died he called me to his bedside and he says to me,
‘Howard Chesterfield, everythin’ I own has been swept away, except my
two daughters and my racehorse, and I--I----’”
Hank goes bug-eyed and forgets the rest.
“The horse was too fast and one daughter was too heavy, eh?” suggests
somebody from Oasis.
“Go on, Howard; go on,” begs Miss Wimple, and Hank mumbles for a minute.
“You are goin’ to ride Thunderbolt in the big race?” asks Miss Wimple.
“That’s it,” grins Hank. “Thunderbolt will win, and you’ll all git back
yore fortune.”
“But we haven’t money enough left to enter the horse.”
“I--I’ve saved my salary,” says Hank. “I’ll enter the horse.”
“But we can’t afford to hire a jockey.”
“I’ll ride him,” says Hank, hammerin’ himself on the chest. “I’ll wear
the glue and bold of the Witherspoon stables. I--I mean the bold and
glue.”
“Oh, you hero!” explodes Susie. “I knew you’d be loyal.”
Old Zibe has come around where we are, and now he hammers on a loose
board with the butt of his whip. From the other side comes Peewee
Parker, all dressed up in a funny lookin’ blue suit.
“Someone at the door, Jason,” says Miss Wimple. Peewee goggles around,
and Zibe motions him over to us. When he’s out of sight of the audience,
Zibe grabs me by the wrist, and the next thing I know I’m out there in
the middle of the stage, with Zibe bangin’ onto me. He takes off his
hat, bows to the ladies and then takes a look at Hank.
“So yo’re the jockey who is goin’ to ride Thunderbolt, eh?” says Zibe.
“Well, go on back to the stable--I want to talk with highgrade folks.”
* * * * *
Hank hops his arms like he was sad all over, but goes out. Zeke grins at
Susie and Miss Wimple.
“I’m Simon Legree,” says he, “and I want to sell yuh a nigger.”
Susie takes one look at me, jumps up and throws up both hands.
“Uncle Tom!” she yells. “Uncle Tom! What have they done to you?”
Jist then my mouth busts loose, and I says, “They got me drunk and
painted me with black enamel, and I can lick any damn’ man ----”
Zibe kicked me on the bare ankle and hisses in my ears, “Shut up, you
danged fool!”
“Haw, haw, haw, haw, haw!” roars Dog-Rib. “That’s actin’!”
“O-o-o-o-oh!” wails Susie. “They sold you, Uncle Tom.”
“Somebody got gypped,” says Nebrasky Smith.
“I got him in that boatload of niggers down at Nashville,” says Zibe. “I
recognized him right away, and I knowed you’d like to buy him back.”
“Oh, I’d love to buy him back,” says Susie, “but we ain’t got no money,
Mister Legree.”
“Lotta good work left in that nigger,” says Zibe. “How about tradin’ me
yore racehorse for him?”
Zibe kicks me in the ankle and whispers, “Beg her not to. Go ahead and
beg.”
“Ma’am,” says I, tryin’ to work my face into shape for talkin’, “don’t
let this jigger make any trades with yuh. He’s a ----”
_Whap!_ Old Zibe steps back and wraps that bullwhip around my legs.
“Git back, nigger!” he roars. “Git back, or I’ll cut yore legs off!”
I ask yuh if that wasn’t a dirty trick. I didn’t like Zibe, anyway; so I
took a wild swing at his jaw, knocked him silly with one punch, took him
to my bosom and pitched him headfirst into the committee on the first
row.
“The nigger wins by a knockout!” yells “Greasy” Easton, and somebody cut
the curtain loose, with the _Curse of Drink_ outfit haulin’ me back by
the slack of my overalls.
Well, I got told all about myself, while old Zibe manages to get around
to the back, where he got his gun and wanted to assassinate me, but they
took his gun away. The committee comes up and says that the show begins
to look like it was worth the money, but they’ve got to see it all
first.
While they’re tryin’ to fix the stage for the next act, Hank explains
the show to me.
“In that first act, the father of them two girls has just died, leavin’
’em nothin’ but that racehorse. I was their father’s jockey, and this
horse is to win a big race. That’s the climax. Legree owns a horse in
that race, but he knows it can’t beat our horse; so he schemes to git
our horse. Legree is the villain, yuh see. Yo’re an old nigger, which
was owned by the old man, who went broke and had to sell yuh, along with
other slaves. Legree buys yuh. He knows Susie is crazy about yuh, and he
figures to trade you to her for this racehorse. She won’t trade the
first time; so he beats yuh up--”
“He tries to, yuh mean,” says I.
“That was all in the play, Hozie. You ruined it. There won’t nobody know
what it’s all about now. We’ve got to go ahead with the second act. This
act----”
* * * * *
Comes a lot of racket, and I thought the audience was goin’ to assault
the stage, but it was merely female against female. Judgment Jones comes
back and kinda tearfully explains that Susie Hightower Potts and Eveline
Annabel Wimple has had a battle, and Susie swears that Eveline and Hank
ain’t goin’ to do no love scenes, except over her dead body.
Hank said he’d talk with her, but he came back pretty soon, nursin’ a
black eye. The audience is plumb impatient, and the committee comes back
to see what’s keepin’ us.
“We’ll give yuh five minutes more,” says Dog-Rib, “and if yuh ain’t
actin’, we declares this here show null and void. We come here to see
actin’, and we’ll see it to our fullest capacity or take our money
back.”
Then they single-files out again. Judgment Jones flops his arms and his
face registers ashes-to-ashes, even unto the last ash. Hank rubs his
black eye and ponders deeplike. Pretty soon he says, “There’s jist one
thing to do and that is to jump this show to where them snake-hunters
will see plenty action. We’ll put on the last act and them three
scenes--the kidnappin’, the death of Little Eva and the finish of the
race.”
“But they won’t know what the show is all about, unless we act it all.”
“Let ’em guess at it--that’s what I’ve been doin’. C’mon.”
I’ve decided that I’ve had about enough and starts to walk across the
stage to where I can get out, but all to once I starts walkin’ faster
and faster, but don’t get nowhere. The floor is goin’ out behind me, and
all to once I lands on my chin and rolled over against the wall.
I fans a few stars out of my eyes and looked at Peewee, who humps down
beside me.
“I was wonderin’ if that thing worked,” says he, “and I see it does.”
“What works?”
“That treadmill jigger they made for the horse race. They explains it to
me that we’re all in there, playin’ we’re watchin’ the race, and at the
finish Hank rides Tequila onto that treadmill and the audience can see
everythin’, except the horse’s feet. Then they drop the curtain.”
Oscar Tubbs, “Burlap” Benson and “Fetlock” Feeney, the blacksmith, show
up, and I wonder what they’re the committee for. They talk with Hank,
and then climb up on a two-by-six, which extends across above the stage.
I don’t sabe their idea, unless they want to git above all trouble. Hank
comes to me and takes me up front again.
They’ve got the same room fixed up a little different, and there is
Limpy Lucas settin’ at a table, with a bottle of liquor.
“You go in there,” says Hank. “All you’ve got to do is fool around. In a
little while Zibe will come in with me as his prisoner. You won’t have a
thing to do, until Susie asks yuh to rope both Limpy and Zibe. There’s
ropes back there on the floor. This will be easy for you. Now, go ahead
and we’ll lift the curtain.”
Well, all fools ain’t dead yet; so I went ahead. The curtain went up and
I said, “Limpy, I’m as dry as a lost match in Death Valley.”
“Nigger,” says he, “don’t speak to me. I am Lord Worthington, a scion of
British aristocracy.”
“I dunno what a scion is, but the rest of it’s a lie. You was born down
in Cochise County and yore father was a squawman. Gimme a drink.”
“That’s the stuff!” yells Dog-Rib.
“That’s real actin’.”
* * * * *
Jist then in comes Hank and old Zibe.
Hank’s hands are tied behind him, there’s a handkerchief around his
eyes, and Zibe is proddin’ him with a gun. He makes Hank set down in a
chair, and then he turns to Limpy.
“So yo’re here, eh? Playin’ the game my way, eh?”
Limpy begins to wipe his eyes and beller.
“I have been a proud man,” he states emphatic, “but likker brought me to
this. I have bited the hand that fed me. I sold my soul for gin, Simon
Legree. Yes, I will go in with you, even to the depths of hell.”
“Ah, ha-a-a-a-a!” sneers Zibe. “Well, we win, Lord Worthington. Without
Howard Chesterfield that horse never can win--and there sets Howard
Chesterfield. We hold him until after the race. He will be disgraced in
the eyes of his sweetheart, who will marry me. Ah, ha-a-a-a-a!”
I swear I never did see Susie, until there she was on the stage, with a
two-barrel shotgun in her hands, pointin’ it at Zibe.
“Hands up, you foul beast,” says she, and Zibe puts up his hands.
“You think his sweetheart will marry you, Simon Legree? Bah! If you was
the last man in the world, I wouldn’t marry you. Uncle Tom, will you
take ropes and bind these foul vultures?”
Well, I shore tied ’em up tight. Susie took the ropes off Hank and he
stood up straight and looked down at her.
“Thank yuh, Little Eva,” says he. “I heard what yuh said to Legree, and
I hate to disappoint yuh. I’m a fair man, and no falsehood ever passed
my lips. I don’t love you--I love Gwendolyn.”
Susie takes a deep breath, points her nose toward the ceilin’ and says,
“Oh, woe is me, I am undone!”
And then she let loose all holts and went down so hard that she busted
two boards in that floor. Hank puts one hand over his eyes and kinda
staggers around sayin’ “I’ve broken her heart, I’ve broken her heart!”
“Yo’re right!” yells somebody in the audience. “I heard it break, Hank.”
Hank flops his arms and turns to me.
“Uncle Tom, I believe I have killed her. I’ll have to carry her home.”
Hank tried three different holts and they all slipped.
“Damn it, Susie, help yourself a little, can’tcha?” he whispers.
“I’m supposed to be swooned,” she whispers. “Pick me up, you idiot.”
“Git her by the legs, Hozie,” whispers Hank.
“You touch my legs, and I’ll kick yuh loose from the surroundin’
country,” hisses Susie.
Hank straightens up and turns toward the audience.
“Ah, I cannot touch her,” says he. “She looks so peaceful in death.”
Susie took a kick at me and I got away fast. She turned over and got to
her feet, as Hank lifts up both hands and says real loud, “I’ll leave
her here for the angels, while I go to ride for love.”
* * * * *
But he didn’t. Susie socked him one on the back of the neck with a right
swing and he went off the stage into the three-piece orchestra, with
both legs in the air, while the committee stood up and whistled through
their fingers, and somebody had sense enough to yank down the curtain.
The committee brought Hank back with them. He was smiling sweetly, but
as an actor he’s a total loss.
“This here show,” says Dog-Rib, “is kinda jumpy, it seems to me. We’ve
been tryin’ all along to find out what it’s all about. That there last
act was plenty actful, as yuh might say, but we dunno what it was
about.”
I didn’t wait to listen to the argument. Peewee got that bottle they
used in the last act, and we emptied it together. We’re leanin’ up
against a black curtain at the back of the stage, and all to once
somethin’ hit Peewee and knocked him plumb up past the treadmill, where
he landed on his hands and knees.
“Yuh better git away from there, Hozie,” says Limpy. “That racehorse is
behind the curtain.”
We stretched Peewee out on the floor in a corner, and the rest of us are
asked to come out on the stage. They’re all inquirin’ for Miss Wimple.
“She’s gone down to the hotel to git the money,” says Judgment. “She
said, bein’ as the play turned out like it did, she wanted the money out
of her hands; so I told her to bring it up here for a settlement. Her
and Susie had a fight over them love scenes, and she was through up
here.”
“We don’t need her,” says Susie. “If she was actin’ for saw mills, she
wouldn’t git a sliver in her finger. Is everythin’ all set?”
Susie laid down on the floor and Zibe fastened a belt around her. She’s
all dressed in white, with a couple things that might be mistaken for
wings. We all squats down around her. They’ve got a heavy wire ownin’ up
from that belt. Somebody pulled the curtain, and the three-piece
orchestry begins playin’ “Nearer My God to Thee,” kinda soft.
“Uncle Tom,” says Susie, her voice kinda cracked, “I’m goin’ to leave
yuh. I’m goin’ to my place beyond the skies.”
Mrs. Noon begins to blubber.
“Don’t cry,” says Susie. “It’s better this way. Tell Howard that I
forgive him for everythin’. Ah. I hear the angels callin’. Can’t you
hear ’em, Uncle Tom?”
“She’s dyin’,” wails Mrs. Noon.
“Git yore feet braced, Burlap,” says Oscar Tubbs, up there, on that
two-by-six.
“Angel voices,” says Susie. “They’re callin’ me home.”
“Pull, you damn’ fools!” yelps Oscar.
And Little Eva starts on her long trip, as yuh might say. Up and up she
goes, head and feet down, them spangled wings straight up. I’ve allus
had my own idea of an angel, and Susie didn’t fit that idea.
Then the angel stopped and kinda hung there, swingin’ around.
“Keep her goin’!” hisses old Zibe from the side of the stage.
“The angels are takin’ her away,” wails Mrs. Noon.
_Cra-a-a-ack!_
* * * * *
That two-by-six snapped by too much weight, and down comes the handmade
heaven. Susie lit on her head, and here comes Oscar Tubbs, Burlap Benson
and Fetlock Feeney, follered by that busted two-by-six. Oscar lit on his
feet, busted plumb through where Susie had already cracked the boards,
and stopped with only his head in sight.
It shook the whole stage and also the whole danged house. One of
Burlap’s boots hit me in the head, but as my lights went dim, I heard
somebody yellin’, “Three angels gone to hell a’ready, and the fourth one
dropped for reasons knowed to all of us!”
I woke up with Zibe and Zeke Hardy moppin’ me head with cold water, and
I can hear Dog-Rib arguin’ at the top of his voice, “I don’t care a dang
if Hank is still knocked out--we’ll have that there hoss race, or our
money back. You’ve done advertised a race, and we crave a race.”
“But there ain’t no jockey to ride that race,” pleads Judgment. “You can
see for yourself that Hank Potts ain’t fit to ride nothin’.”
“Suit yourself. I’ve done sent a couple men down to the hotel to set on
that safe, where yuh keep the money. Oasis and Alkali towns crave that
horse race; so it’s shore up to you.”
They go stompin’ out, while the crowd out in front makes all kinds of
noise. I sabes them people, and if we don’t give ’em what they want,
they’ll take the hall apart.
“Are you loyal to San Pablo, Hozie?” asks Zeke.
“Look at me and answer yore own question.”
“You’re a good rider. Hozie: ride for the honor of San Pablo. Never let
Oasis say that we didn’t make good. Yo’re the man of the hour--the best
rider in the San Pablo range. Think of poor old Judgment Jones and the
starvin’ cannibals he aims to help with that money. Will yuh, Hozie?”
I said I wouldn’t--and swooned. When I woke up. I’ve got on Hank’s
jockey clothes, and they’re helpin’ me on Tequila, that big, cold-jawed,
leg-crossin’ sorrel. The horse is blindfolded, and it takes three men to
hold his head down. The boards are crackin’ under his feet, and the
blamed brute is scared stiff.
To the right of me is a thing like a big window, and in that window is
Susie, Zeke, Zibe, Mrs. Noon, Oscar Tubbs, Burlap Benson and Fetlock
Feeney, and they’re all yelpin’ their heads off, as though they’re
lookin’ at a race, yellin’, “C’mon, Thunderbolt! Come on, Thunderbolt!”
“Let go!” yelps somebody, and they turned Tequila loose.
“Spur him straight ahead, Hozie!” snorts somebody else.
Spur nothin’. The next thing I knowed I was back on his rump, and he was
climbin’ through that window affair, and the next thing I knowed I was
out on his head, with both legs wrapped around his neck, and we’re on
the edge of the stage, facin’ the stampede. The air is full of
sombreros, all sailin’ at us, men are yelpin’, “Whoa! Whoa!”
* * * * *
I got one flash of the committee goin’ out the door on the heels of that
stampedin’ mob, when somebody threw a chair, which landed on my head
like a crown. It shore made me see a lot of stars, but I kept my
presence of mind, as Tequila whirled around and went buck-jumpin’
straight to the back of the stage, knockin’ down everythin’ in sight,
with me still out over his ears--and then we hit that treadmill.
Did we go? Man, that Tequila horse never ran so fast in his life. Why,
he never had time to cross his legs. We wasn’t goin’ no place, but we
was sure goin’ fast. Out from a pile of busted lumber I sees Peewee
raise up, his eyes wide at what he sees.
“Can’tcha stop this?” I yells at him. He picks up a busted two-by-four,
staggers over and shoves it down in the treadmill. They told me
afterward that it throwed Peewee plumb against the back of the buildin’,
but it shore stopped the machine.
I’m only about ten feet from the rear of the stage, which is covered
with a black cloth, and this rear of the stage is the front of the room.
_Wham-blam!_ We went off that treadmill like a skyrocket. I hears the
crash of glass, the rippin’ of a cloth, and there I am out over the main
street of San Pablo, two stories high, with nothin’ but air above, below
and on all sides.
I spread my arms like the wings of a turkey buzzard, turned over once
and landed settin’ down on a buckboard seat, which smashed like a egg
under the impact. It also knocked me a little colder than I was, but I
knowed the team busted loose and was runnin’ away. But I didn’t care.
What was one little runaway beside what I’d been through? The rush of
night air was coolin’ to my fevered brow.
And all of a sudden we went high-wide and handsome.
_Rippety-bing-bang-boom!_ There’s a bell ringin’, somethin’ roarin’, and
then I landed on the seat of my pants on the depot platform and almost
skidded into the train, which was ready to move. The team and buckboard
was just leavin’ the other end of the platform.
I’m knocked kinda silly, but I heard a woman scream, as she ran past me
and onto that train. The depot agent’s boots are stickin’ up from behind
a trunk, where the runaway knocked him. I sets there and watches the
train go out of sight. Beside me is a lady’s handbag, jist a little one
with a white handkerchief stickin’ out of it. I put the thing in my
pocket and got to my feet. I say “my feet” merely because they was
hooked onto me. I didn’t have no feelin’ in ’em.
Then I wandered back down the street, stoppin’ now and then to get my
toes pointed right, and finally got to the No-Limit Saloon. For a while
I ain’t recognized, even if I have got most of the enamel knocked off my
face. There’s Judgment Jones, talkin’ with Dog-Rib, and they come over
to look me over.
“It’s all right, Hozie,” says Judgment. “Oasis and Alkali are satisfied
we done our best. Dog-Rib says they expected more action, but I been
tellin’ him it was jist a little rural play. Next time we’ll do
better--I hope. But, take it all in all, we got our money’s worth--but
no money.
“No money,” says he sadly. “Miss Eveline Annabel Wimple, D. T., took it
all and pulled out durin’ the play--we think. Anyway, she ain’t here,
and the money was given to her in the hotel. The hotel keeper said she
was in a big hurry, and she put the money in her handbag. Now, we’re
goin’ to raffle the racehorse--if he’s still alive.”
* * * * *
I found Peewee settin’ on the sidewalk, and we went home. He’s so bent
out of shape that his saddle don’t fit him, but we got back to the HP
ranch and found the horse liniment. After the first or second deluge, I
said to him, “Peewee, that Wimple woman got away with the money.”
“Did she? Good for her.”
“You don’t believe in stealin’, do yuh, Peewee?”
“Not stealin’--takin’.”
“If somebody happened to find her handbag and kept the money, would that
be stealin’?”
“Finder’s keepers.”
I tosses the handbag on the table, and Peewee goggles at it. He don’t
ask no questions. That’s what I like about Peewee. After while he blinks
one of his purple eyes, the other one bein’ shut tight, and says,
“Thinkin’ it over, Hozie. I’m wonderin’.”
He opens the bag and there’s a envelope, folded in the middle; and we
can feel the money inside--paper money. On it is written: _Funds of The
Curse of Drink_. It’s Judgment Jones’s writin’. Peewee shakes his head.
“We can’t do it, Hozie. Old Judgment is the most honest man on earth. He
needs that money for the heathen. I could never look him in the face
again. He wouldn’t do wrong to anybody, and he needs that money. He
trusted that woman, jist like he trusts everybody. Why, he’d even trust
me and you.”
“That’s right,” says I. “We’ll give it back.”
But I wanted to see how much money they took in for that show; so I
steamed the envelope open and dumped it out. I looked at Peewee and he
looked at me. Money? Nothin’ but a lot of old newspaper, cut to the size
of bills. We sets there and does a lot of thinkin’, and after while
Peewee dumps the whole works into the stove.
And as far as we know, the heathen are in jist the same shape they were
before we put on this show. Peewee wanted to be a contortionist, and for
once in his life he got tied in a knot. Peewee’s satisfied. Hank’s
satisfied, but Susie ain’t; she wanted to go all the way to heaven. I’m
satisfied--that a cowpuncher ought to keep off every kind of a stage,
except one with four wheels.
Susie says it’s too bad we were obliged to miss the moral of her play,
but I said I didn’t.
“What was the moral?” she asks.
“Don’t kill yore jockey before the race starts,” says I.
And I’m right, too.
[Transcriber’s Note: This story appeared in the April 10, 1929 issue of
Short Stories magazine.]