I played with Small all the afternoon without yielding to an impulse to
slay him with a niblick, which speaks volumes for my good disposition.
It was a harrowing experience. Small proceeded on the usual theory of
the beginner, which is to hit the ball as hard as possible and trust to
luck. The most I can say for his day's play is that I never expect to
see golf balls hit any harder. His wooden club shots hooked and sliced
into the woods on either side of the course--he bought a dozen balls to
begin with and was borrowing from us at the finish--he dug up great
patches of turf on the fair greens, he nearly destroyed three bunkers
and after every shot he yelled like a Comanche.
We caught up with Colonel Jimmy at the eighteenth tee. The Colonel was
in a better humour and was offering to give the chinless boy a stroke
and play him double or quits on the last hole--sure proof that he had
him badly licked. The chinless boy took the bet.
"Now, there's some sense to that!" said Small. "I never could play any
game for fun. Make it worth while, that's what I say! Archie, I'll bet
you a hundred that I beat you this hole!"
Colonel Jimmy was picking up a handful of sand from a tee. He dropped
it and began to clean his ball.
"I'd be ashamed to take the money," said Archie. "You wouldn't have a
chance."
"You mean you're afraid to take one. Be a sport!"
"I _am_ a sport. That's why I won't bet on a cinch."
They had quite a jawing match and finally Archie said that he would bet
Small ten dollars.
"Huh!" said Small. "I wouldn't exert myself for a measly ten spot. Make
it twenty-five!"
"Well, if you insist," said Archie, "and I'll give you two strokes."
"You'll give me nothing!" said Small. "What do you think I am? I'll play
you even and lick you." And he was so nasty about it that Archie had to
agree.
The Colonel turned around after he played his second shot to watch us
drive. Small took a tremendous swing and hooked the ball over the fence
and out of bounds. He borrowed another and sliced that one into the
woods. When he finally sunk his putt--he took 17 for the hole and that
wasn't counting the ones he missed--he dug up a wallet stuffed with
currency and insisted on paying Archie on the spot.
"I don't feel right about taking this," said Archie.
"You won it, didn't you?" said Small. "If you had lost, would you have
paid?"
"Ye-es," said Archie, "but----"
"But nothing! Take it and shut up!"
Colonel Jimmy, waiting on the porch, was an interested witness. In less
than five minutes by the watch the chinless boy was sitting over in a
corner, alone with a lemonade, and the Colonel had Small by the
buttonhole, talking Chicago to him. I have always claimed that Colonel
Jimmy has all the instincts of a wolf, but perhaps it is only his Wall
Street training that makes him so keen when a lamb is in sight.
"Yes, Chicago is a live town all right," said Small, "but about this
golf proposition, now: I'm getting the hang of the thing, Colonel. If I
didn't lose so many balls----"
"You have a fine, natural swing," said the Colonel in a tone soft as
corn silk. "A trifle less power, my friend, and you will get better
direction."
Well, it was too much for me. I didn't care much for Small, but I hated
to see him walk into ambush with his eyes open. I left him and the
Colonel hobnobbing over their highballs, and went into the locker room,
where I found Archie.
"Look here!" I said. "That old pirate is after your friend. Colonel
Jimmy heard Small make that fool bet on the eighteenth tee, and you know
what a leech he is when soft money is in sight. He's after him."
"So soon?" said Archie. "Quick work."
"Well, don't you think Small ought to be warned?"
Archie laughed.
"Warned about what?"
"Don't be more of an ass than usual, Archie. The Colonel has got him out
there, telling him about Chicago. You know what that means, and a fellow
that bets as recklessly as Small does----"
"I can't do anything," said Archie. "Small is of age."
"But you wouldn't let him go up against a cinch?"
"Small has been up against cinches all his life. That's how he made his
money."
"That's how he'll lose it, too. I'll put a flea in his ear if you
don't."
"Bill," said Archie, "I've made it a rule never to open my mouth in any
gambling game unless my money was on the table. Understand? Then,
whatever happens, there's no come-back at me. Think it over."
"But the man is your guest!"
"Exactly. He's my guest. If you see fit to warn him----" Archie shrugged
his shoulders.
Well, what could I say after that? I took my shower bath and dressed.
Then I went into the lounging room. Small was, if anything, a trifle
noisier than ever.
"Any game that I can bet on is the game for me," said he, "but I hate a
piker. Don't you hate a piker, Colonel?"
"A man," said Colonel Jimmy, "should never bet more than he can afford
to lose--cheerfully."
"Cheerfully. That's the ticket! You're a sport, Colonel. I can see it in
your eye. You don't holler when you lose. Now, Colonel, what would you
consider a good stiff bet, eh? How high would you go? This kindergarten
business wouldn't appeal to either one of us, would it? You wait till I
go around this course a few times and I'll make you a _real_ bet--one
that will be worth playing for, eh? What's the most you ever played for,
Colonel?" It was like casting pearls before swine and he wasn't my
guest, but I did what I could for him.
"Mr. Small," said I, "if you're going in to town there's room in my car
for you."
"Thanks. I'm stopping here at the club. Archie fixed me up with a room.
The Colonel is going to stay and have dinner with me, ain't you,
Colonel? Surest thing you know! He's met a lot of friends of mine out
West. Small world, ain't it? Going, eh? Well, behave yourself!... Now
then, Colonel, gimme a few more days of this cow-pasture pool and I'll
show you what a real bet looks like!"
I left the wolf and the lamb together, and I don't mind admitting that I
liked one as well as the other.
Business took me out of town for ten days, and when I returned home I
was told that Archie had been telephoning me all the morning. I rang him
at his office.
"Oh, hello, Bill! You're back just in time for the big show.... Eh? Oh,
Colonel Jimmy is due for another attack of lumbago this afternoon....
Small telephoned me last night that he was complaining a little.... The
goat? Why, Small, of course! The chinless boy is playing alone these
days; better pickings elsewhere.... Yes, you oughtn't to miss it. See
you later. 'Bye."