THE CHUMS
In that old square of Trinity College, Dublin, one side of which fronts
the Park, and in chambers on the ground-floor, an oak door bore the
names of ‘Kearney and Atlee.’ Kearney was the son of Lord Kilgobbin;
Atlee, his chum, the son of a Presbyterian minister in the north of
Ireland, had been four years in the university, but was still in his
freshman period, not from any deficiency of scholarlike ability to push
on, but that, as the poet of the _Seasons_ lay in bed, because he ‘had
no motive for rising,’ Joe Atlee felt that there need be no urgency
about taking a degree which, when he had got, he should be sorely
puzzled to know what to do with. He was a clever, ready-witted, but
capricious fellow, fond of pleasure, and self-indulgent to a degree that
ill suited his very smallest of fortunes, for his father was a poor man,
with a large family, and had already embarrassed himself heavily by the
cost of sending his eldest son to the university. Joe’s changes of
purpose--for he had in succession abandoned law for medicine, medicine
for theology, and theology for civil engineering, and, finally, gave
them all up--had so outraged his father that he declared he would not
continue any allowance to him beyond the present year; to which Joe
replied by the same post, sending back the twenty pounds inclosed him,
and saying: ‘The only amendment I would make to your motion is--as to
the date--let it begin from to-day. I suppose I shall have to swim
without corks some time. I may as well try now as later on.’
[Illustration: ‘What lark have you been on, Master Joe?’]
The first experience of his ‘swimming without corks’ was to lie in bed two
days and smoke; the next was to rise at daybreak and set out on a long
walk into the country, from which he returned late at night, wearied and
exhausted, having eaten but once during the day.
Kearney, dressed for an evening party, resplendent with jewellery, essenced
and curled, was about to issue forth when Atlee, dusty and wayworn, entered
and threw himself into a chair.
‘What lark have you been on, Master Joe?’ he said. ‘I have not seen you for
three days, if not four!’
‘No; I’ve begun to train,’ said he gravely. ‘I want to see how long a
fellow could hold on to life on three pipes of Cavendish per diem. I take
it that the absorbents won’t be more cruel than a man’s creditors, and will
not issue a distraint where there are no assets, so that probably by the
time I shall have brought myself down to, let us say, seven stone weight, I
shall have reached the goal.’
This speech he delivered slowly and calmly, as though enunciating a very
grave proposition.
‘What new nonsense is this? Don’t you think health worth something?’
‘Next to life, unquestionably; but one condition of health is to be alive,
and I don’t see how to manage that. Look here, Dick, I have just had a
quarrel with my father; he is an excellent man and an impressive preacher,
but he fails in the imaginative qualities. Nature has been a niggard to him
in inventiveness. He is the minister of a little parish called Aghadoe, in
the North, where they give him two hundred and ten pounds per annum. There
are eight in family, and he actually does not see his way to allow me one
hundred and fifty out of it. That’s the way they neglect arithmetic in our
modern schools!’
‘Has he reduced your allowance?’
‘He has done more, he has extinguished it.’
‘Have you provoked him to this?’
‘I have provoked him to it.’
‘But is it not possible to accommodate matters? It should not be very
difficult, surely, to show him that once you are launched in life--’
‘And when will that be, Dick?’ broke in the other. ‘I have been on the
stocks these four years, and that launching process you talk of looks just
as remote as ever. No, no; let us be fair; he has all the right on his
side, all the wrong is on mine. Indeed, so far as conscience goes, I have
always felt it so, but one’s conscience, like one’s boots, gets so pliant
from wear, that it ceases to give pain. Still, on my honour, I never
hip-hurraed to a toast that I did not feel: there goes broken boots to one
of the boys, or, worse again, the cost of a cotton dress for one of the
sisters. Whenever I took a sherry-cobbler I thought of suicide after it.
Self-indulgence and self-reproach got linked in my nature so inseparably,
it was hopeless to summon one without the other, till at last I grew to
believe it was very heroic in me to deny myself nothing, seeing how sorry I
should be for it afterwards. But come, old fellow, don’t lose your evening;
we’ll have time enough to talk over these things--where are you going?’
‘To the Clancys’.’
‘To be sure; what a fellow I am to forget it was Letty’s birthday, and I
was to have brought her a bouquet! Dick, be a good fellow and tell her
some lie or other--that I was sick in bed, or away to see an aunt or a
grandmother, and that I had a splendid bouquet for her, but wouldn’t let
it reach her through other hands than my own, but to-morrow--to-morrow she
shall have it.’
‘You know well enough you don’t mean anything of the sort.’
‘On my honour, I’ll keep my promise. I’ve an old silver watch yonder--I
think it knows the way to the pawn-office by itself. There, now be off, for
if I begin to think of all the fun you’re going to, I shall just dress and
join you.’
‘No, I’d not do that,’ said Dick gravely, ‘nor shall I stay long myself.
Don’t go to bed, Joe, till I come back. Good-bye.’
‘Say all good and sweet things to Letty for me. Tell her--’ Kearney did not
wait for his message, but hurried down the steps and drove off.
Joe sat down at the fire, filled his pipe, looked steadily at it, and then
laid it on the mantel-piece. ‘No, no, Master Joe. You must be thrifty now.
You have smoked twice since--I can afford to say--since dinner-time, for
you haven’t dined. It is strange, now that the sense of hunger has passed
off, what a sense of excitement I feel. Two hours back I could have been a
cannibal. I believe I could have eaten the vice-provost--though I should
have liked him strongly devilled--and now I feel stimulated. Hence it is,
perhaps, that so little wine is enough to affect the heads of starving
people--almost maddening them. Perhaps Dick suspected something of this,
for he did not care that I should go along with him. Who knows but he may
have thought the sight of a supper might have overcome me. If he knew but
all. I’m much more disposed to make love to Letty Clancy than to go in for
galantine and champagne. By the way, I wonder if the physiologists are
aware of that? It is, perhaps, what constitutes the ethereal condition of
love. I’ll write an essay on that, or, better still, I’ll write a review of
an imaginary French essay. Frenchmen are permitted to say so much more than
we are, and I’ll be rebukeful on the score of his excesses. The bitter way
in which a Frenchman always visits his various incapacities--whether it be
to know something, or to do something, or to be something--on the species
he belongs to; the way in which he suggests that, had he been consulted on
the matter, humanity had been a much more perfect organisation, and able
to sustain a great deal more of wickedness without disturbance, is great
fun. I’ll certainly invent a Frenchman, and make him an author, and then
demolish him. What if I make him die of hunger, having tasted nothing for
eight days but the proof-sheets of his great work--the work I am then
reviewing? For four days--but stay--if I starve him to death, I cannot tear
his work to pieces. No; he shall be alive, living in splendour and honour,
a frequenter of the Tuileries, a favoured guest at Compiègne.’
Without perceiving it, he had now taken his pipe, lighted it, and was
smoking away. ‘By the way, how those same Imperialists have played the
game!--the two or three middle-aged men that Kinglake says, “put their
heads together to plan for a livelihood.” I wish they had taken me into the
partnership. It’s the sort of thing I’d have liked well; ay, and I could
have done it, too! I wonder,’ said he aloud--‘I wonder if I were an emperor
should I marry Letty Clancy? I suspect not. Letty would have been flippant
as an empress, and her cousins would have made atrocious princes of the
imperial family, though, for the matter of that--Hullo! Here have I been
smoking without knowing it! Can any one tell us whether the sins we do
inadvertently count as sins, or do we square them off by our inadvertent
good actions? I trust I shall not be called on to catalogue mine. There,
my courage is out!’ As he said this he emptied the ashes of his pipe, and
gazed sorrowfully at the empty bowl.
‘Now, if I were the son of some good house, with a high-sounding name, and
well-to-do relations, I’d soon bring them to terms if they dared to cast me
off. I’d turn milk or muffin man, and serve the street they lived in. I’d
sweep the crossing in front of their windows, or I’d commit a small theft,
and call on my high connections for a character--but being who and what I
am, I might do any or all o these, and shock nobody.
‘Next to take stock of my effects. Let me see what my assets will bring
when reduced to cash, for this time it shall be a sale.’ And he turned to a
table where paper and pens were lying, and proceeded to write. ‘Personal,
sworn under, let us say, ten thousand pounds. Literature first. To divers
worn copies of _Virgil_, _Tacitus_, _Juvenal_, and _Ovid_, Cæsar’s
_Commentaries_, and _Catullus_; to ditto ditto of _Homer_, _Lucian_,
_Aristophanes_, _Balzac_, _Anacreon_, Bacon’s _Essays_, and Moore’s
_Melodies_; to Dwight’s _Theology_--uncut copy, Heine’s _Poems_--very much
thumbed, _Saint Simon_--very ragged, two volumes of _Les Causes Célèbres_,
Tone’s _Memoirs_, and Beranger’s _Songs_; to Cuvier’s _Comparative
Anatomy_, Shroeder on _Shakespeare_, Newman’s _Apology_, Archbold’s
_Criminal Law_ and _Songs of the Nation_; to Colenso, East’s _Cases for
the Crown_, Carte’s _Ormonde_, and _Pickwick_. But why go on? Let us call
it the small but well-selected library of a distressed gentleman, whose
cultivated mind is reflected in the marginal notes with which these volumes
abound. Will any gentleman say, “£10 for the lot”? Why the very criticisms
are worth--I mean to a man of literary tastes--five times the amount. No
offer at £10? Who is it that says “five”? I trust my ears have deceived me.
You repeat the insulting proposal? Well, sir, on your own head be it! Mr.
Atlee’s library--or the Atlee collection is better--was yesterday disposed
of to a well-known collector of rare books, and, if we are rightly
informed, for a mere fraction of its value. Never mind, sir, I bear you no
ill-will! I was irritable, and to show you my honest animus in the matter,
I beg to present you in addition with this, a handsomely-bound and gilt
copy of a sermon by the Reverend Isaac Atlee, on the opening of the new
meeting-house in Coleraine--a discourse that cost my father some sleepless
nights, though I have heard the effect on the congregation was dissimilar.
‘The pictures are few. Cardinal Cullen, I believe, is Kearney’s; at all
events, he is the worse for being made a target for pistol firing, and the
archiepiscopal nose has been sorely damaged. Two views of Killarney in
the weather of the period--that means July, and raining in torrents--and
consequently the scene, for aught discoverable, might be the Gaboon.
Portrait of Joe Atlee, _ætatis_ four years, with a villainous squint, and
something that looks like a plug in the left jaw. A Skye terrier, painted,
it is supposed, by himself; not to recite unframed prints of various
celebrities of the ballet, in accustomed attitudes, with the Reverend Paul
Bloxham blessing some children--though from the gesture and the expression
of the juveniles it might seem cuffing them--on the inauguration of the
Sunday school at Kilmurry Macmacmahon.
‘Lot three, interesting to anatomical lecturers and others, especially
those engaged in palæontology. The articulated skeleton of an Irish giant,
representing a man who must have stood in his no-stockings eight feet four
inches. This, I may add, will be warranted as authentic, in so far that I
made him myself out of at least eighteen or twenty big specimens, with a
few slight “divergencies” I may call them, such as putting in eight more
dorsal vertebrae than the regulation, and that the right femur is two
inches longer than the left. The inferior maxillary, too, was stolen from a
“Pithacus Satyrus” in the Cork Museum by an old friend, since transported
for Fenianism. These blemishes apart, he is an admirable giant, and fully
as ornamental and useful as the species generally.
‘As to my wardrobe, it is less costly than curious; an alpaca paletot of a
neutral tint, which I have much affected of late, having indisposed me to
other wear. For dinner and evening duty I usually wear Kearney’s, though
too tight across the chest, and short in the sleeves. These, with a silver
watch which no pawnbroker--and I have tried eight--will ever advance
more on than seven-and-six. I once got the figure up to nine shillings
by supplementing an umbrella, which was Dick’s, and which still remains,
“unclaimed and unredeemed.”
‘Two o’clock, by all that is supperless! evidently Kearney is enjoying
himself. Ah, youth, youth! I wish I could remember some of the spiteful
things that are said of you--not but on the whole, I take it, you have the
right end of the stick. Is it possible there is nothing to eat in this
inhospitable mansion?’ He arose and opened a sort of cupboard in the wall,
scrutinising it closely with the candle. ‘“Give me but the superfluities of
life,” says Gavarni, “and I’ll not trouble you for its necessaries.” What
would he say, however, to a fellow famishing with hunger in presence of
nothing but pickled mushrooms and Worcester sauce! Oh, here is a crust!
“Bread is the staff of life.” On my oath, I believe so; for this eats
devilish like a walking-stick.
‘Hullo! back already?’ cried he, as Kearney flung wide the door and
entered. ‘I suppose you hurried away back to join me at supper.’
‘Thanks; but I have supped already, and at a more tempting banquet than
this I see before you.’
‘Was it pleasant? was it jolly? Were the girls looking lovely? Was the
champagne-cup well iced? Was everybody charming? Tell me all about it. Let
me have second-hand pleasure, since I can’t afford the new article.’
‘It was pretty much like every other small ball here, where the garrison
get all the prettiest girls for partners, and take the mammas down to
supper after.’
‘Cunning dogs, who secure flirtation above stairs and food below! And what
is stirring in the world? What are the gaieties in prospect? Are any of my
old flames about to get married?’
‘I didn’t know you had any.’
‘Have I not! I believe half the parish of St. Peter’s might proceed against
me for breach of promise; and if the law allowed me as many wives as
Brigham Young, I’d be still disappointing a large and interesting section
of society in the suburbs.’
‘They have made a seizure on the office of the _Pike_, carried off the
press and the whole issue, and are in eager pursuit after Madden, the
editor.’
‘What for? What is it all about?’
‘A new ballad he has published; but which, for the matter of that, they
were singing at every corner as I came along.’
‘Was it good? Did you buy a copy?’
‘Buy a copy? I should think not.’
‘Couldn’t your patriotism stand the test of a penny?’
‘It might if I wanted the production, which I certainly did not; besides,
there is a run upon this, and they were selling it at sixpence.’
‘Hurrah! There’s hope for Ireland after all! Shall I sing it for you, old
fellow? Not that you deserve it. English corruption has damped the little
Irish ardour that old rebellion once kindled in your heart; and if you
could get rid of your brogue, you’re ready to be loyal. You shall hear it,
however, all the same.’ And taking up a very damaged-looking guitar, he
struck a few bold chords, and began:--
‘Is there anything more we can fight or can hate for?
The “drop” and the famine have made our ranks thin.
In the name of endurance, then, what do we wait for?
Will nobody give us the word to begin?
‘Some brothers have left us in sadness and sorrow,
In despair of the cause they had sworn to win;
They owned they were sick of that cry of “to-morrow”;
Not a man would believe that we meant to begin.
‘We’ve been ready for months--is there one can deny it?
Is there any one here thinks rebellion a sin?
We counted the cost--and we did not decry it,
And we asked for no more than the word to begin?
‘At Vinegar Hill, when our fathers were fighters,
With numbers against them, they cared not a pin;
They needed no orders from newspaper writers,
To tell them the day it was time to begin.
‘To sit here in sadness and silence to bear it,
Is harder to face than the battle’s loud din;
‘Tis the shame that will kill me--I vow it, I swear it?
Now or never’s the time, if we mean to begin.’
There was a wild rapture in the way he struck the last chords, that, if it
did not evince ecstasy, seemed to counterfeit enthusiasm.
‘Very poor doggerel, with all your bravura,’ said Kearney sneeringly.
‘What would you have? I only got three-and-six for it.’
‘You! Is that thing yours?’
‘Yes, sir; that thing is mine. And the Castle people think somewhat more
gravely about it than you do.’
‘At which you are pleased, doubtless?’
‘Not pleased, but proud, Master Dick, let me tell you. It’s a very
stimulating reflection to the man who dines on an onion, that he can spoil
the digestion of another fellow who has been eating turtle.’
‘But you may have to go to prison for this.’
‘Not if you don’t peach on me, for you are the only one who knows the
authorship. You see, Dick, these things are done cautiously. They are
dropped into a letter-box with an initial letter, and a clerk hands the
payment to some of those itinerant hags that sing the melody, and who
can be trusted with the secret as implicitly as the briber at a borough
election.’
‘I wish you had a better livelihood, Joe.’
‘So do I, or that my present one paid better. The fact is, Dick, patriotism
never was worth much as a career till one got to the top of the profession.
But if you mean to sleep at all, old fellow, “it’s time to begin,”’ and he
chanted out the last words in a clear and ringing tone, as he banged the
door behind him.