that it is necessary for her to hear.
VINCENT.
But look here, the duchess has just....
HOLLAND.
Oh, hang the duchess. Where’s Ethel?
VINCENT.
She’s sitting just outside, talking to Serlo.
HOLLAND.
Then call her.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_Looking round with astonishment._] ’As anythin ’appened?
[VINCENT _goes out and in a moment returns with_ ETHEL _and_ SERLO.
LADY WANLEY.
[_To_ HOLLAND.] Ambrose, be gentle.
PARKER-JENNINGS.
Your Royal Highness isn’t put out about anything?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_Quickly._] Oh, I ’ope we ’aven’t made any _faux pas_.
JACK STRAW.
Nothing has happened to displease me. I’m in the best possible humour,
thank you.
HOLLAND.
[_Seeing_ ETHEL.] Oh, there you are. [_Addressing himself to the company
in general._] I have something very painful to say, and I don’t know how
I’m going to make it clear to you.
SERLO.
I say, is this any business of mine? Shall I hook it?
JACK STRAW.
Oh no, pray stay by all means.
LADY WANLEY.
[_To_ JACK STRAW.] Haven’t you changed your mind, sir?
JACK STRAW.
I’m like a historical character whose name I can’t remember at the
moment: I never change my mind.
HOLLAND.
Mrs. Jennings, I’m afraid there’s no use in my trying to excuse myself.
I had better just tell you everything as shortly as I can.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Mr. Holland, don’t you think it can wait till later? The duchess ’as
just come, and it’ll look so funny if I’m not there to receive her.
JACK STRAW.
Mr. Holland has a communication to make which cannot fail to interest
you.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, of course, if it’s your Royal ’Ighness’s wish.
HOLLAND.
I daresay you remember that a fortnight ago we all met at the Grand
Babylon Hotel.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
How could I forget, when that was the auspicious occasion of my
introduction to his Royal ’Ighness.
LADY WANLEY.
Ambrose.
HOLLAND.
You may remember, also, that Mr. and Mrs. Abbott were sitting with us in
the lounge.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
I ’ave other things to do than to remember where Mr. and Mrs. Abbott
were sitting.
HOLLAND.
I daresay you’ve forgotten that you behaved very cruelly to her. We were
all very indignant. We thought it necessary to punish you.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Really, Mr. Holland, I don’t know who you think you’re talking to.
HOLLAND.
I find it very difficult to say what I have to--I realise now that the
whole business has been preposterously silly--I can manage far better if
you don’t interrupt.
JACK STRAW.
Please let him go on, Mrs. Jennings.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Of, of course, if your Royal ’Ighness wishes it I ’ave no more to say.
HOLLAND.
It struck me that it would be amusing to pass off a nobody as a person
of great consequence. I had just recognised one of the waiters as an old
friend of mine. I introduced him to you as the Archduke Sebastian of
Pomerania.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
What! Then ...?
[_She is at a loss for words._ SERLO _goes into a shout of
laughter_.
SERLO. }
}
What a sell! By George, what }
a sell! }
}
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. }
} _These four_
[_Going up to_ JACK STRAW.] Do } _speeches are said_
you mean to say you’re not.... } _very quickly,_
} _almost_
VINCENT. } _simultaneously._
}
I thought I knew his face the }
moment I saw him. }
}
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS. }
}
Speak, man, speak. }
JACK STRAW.
[_With the greatest urbanity._] Madam, I stepped out of the uniform of a
waiter at the Grand Babylon Hotel into the sober garb of the person you
now see before you.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Then you’re nothing short of an impostor. Oh! Oh! Now, then, Jennings,
you’re a man. Do something.
PARKER-JENNINGS.
And he’s been lappin’ up my best champagne lunch and dinner for a week.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, damn your champagne.
VINCENT.
Mater!
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, you fool, you fool! You’ve ’ad the education. You’ve been to Oxford,
and we gave you four thousand a year. Didn’t you learn enough to tell
the difference between an archduke and a waiter?
VINCENT.
Serlo didn’t spot him.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Who’s Serlo? Fine marquess he is--spends all his time with stable boys
and barmaids. How do I know he is a marquess?
SERLO.
Don’t mind me, will you?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Is there no one who can do something? And that man stands there as if he
didn’t care a ball of worsted. Don’t you be too sure, my young friend.
It’s your Royal ’Ighness this, and your Royal ’Ighness that. And we had
to call you sir. Waiter, ’alf a pint of bitter, and look sharp about it.
ETHEL.
Mother!
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, don’t talk to me. [_To_ JACK STRAW.] Well, what have you got to say?
JACK STRAW.
My dear lady, you’re so voluble, it would be difficult for me to get a
word in edgeways.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Well, I’m listening.
JACK STRAW.
Ah, there you have me, for in point of fact I can think of no
appropriate observation.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
And you’ve been laughing at me all the time, ’ave you? Well, you’re
going to laugh on the other side of your face now, young feller-my-lad.
JACK STRAW.
I shall be interested to see how one performs that very curious
operation.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Well, shall I tell you who’ll show you?
JACK STRAW.
Yes, do.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
The police, my lad, the police.
JACK STRAW.
I wouldn’t send for them if I were you.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Wouldn’t you?
JACK STRAW.
I wouldn’t really.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Well, I would.
JACK STRAW.
Don’t you think it’ll be a little awkward with all these people here?
VINCENT.
We can’t have a scene now, mater.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
D’you mean to say I’ve got to sit still and lump it?
JACK STRAW.
If you ask my advice, that is what I should recommend.
PARKER-JENNINGS.
All the county’s here, Maria. _Crème de la crème._
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, I wish they were all dead. I know why they come here. D’you think I
don’t know that they call me a vulgar old woman behind my back? But they
come all the same because I’ve got two millions of money. I’m so rich
that they can’t ’elp coming.
JACK STRAW.
You know, I don’t want to seem stuck up, but in point of fact they’ve
come to-day to meet me. Don’t you think I’d better go and make myself
amiable to them?
HOLLAND.
You don’t mean to say you’re going back to them?
JACK STRAW.
Why not?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
’Ave I got to introduce you to the duchess?
JACK STRAW.
I’m afraid she’ll make a point of it. Even duchesses have a weakness for
royal personages.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
If she ever finds out!
JACK STRAW.
The situation is not without an element of humour.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Well, upon my soul, you ’ave got a cheek!
JACK STRAW.
The motto on my coat of arms is audacity. Only we put it in Latin
because it sounds better.
VINCENT.
Your coat of arms, I like that.
JACK STRAW.
My dear fellow, I have no doubt it is as authentic as yours.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
And do you mean to say I’ve got to pretend I don’t know anything?
JACK STRAW.
I think it’s the only thing to do.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
I can never do it. I shall never ’old up my ’ead again.
JACK STRAW.
Come. I am convinced that the duchess is growing restive. I will murmur
a few soft nothings in her ear.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, well, I suppose the only thing is to risk it. But you just wait,
young man, you wait.
JACK STRAW.
I think I can promise you that no one here will--blow the gaff.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Upon my soul, you talk as if I was the criminal.
[_She starts and stops suddenly with a cry._
HOLLAND.
What’s the matter?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, it give me such a turn. What’s to be done now? The Count.
HOLLAND.
How d’you mean?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
I’d forgotten all about him. Count von Bremer coming.
JACK STRAW.
Who the deuce is he?
HOLLAND.
He’s your ambassador.
JACK STRAW.
Of course, how stupid of me!
LADY WANLEY.
[_With a little scornful smile._] But he won’t come.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Don’t you make too sure about that. He’s coming right enough. The
British aristocracy was quite willing to ’ob-nob with the
Parker-Jennings, but this duty foreigner wouldn’t be seen in the same
street with us. And you all sniggered up your sleeves, because you
thought you was getting a bit of your own back. But I’ve got ’im to-day,
and I was going to fling him in your faces. I wrote ’im a personal
letter--as if I’d known him all my life--and said....
JACK STRAW.
Well?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
And said ’is Royal ’Ighness particularly wished him to come. I sent the
letter by one of the footmen this morning.
JACK STRAW.
By Jove!
HOLLAND.
Well, they mustn’t meet. You must say that the Archduke has been seized
with sudden indisposition.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Every one knows he was quite well half an hour ago.
LADY WANLEY.
Besides, Count von Bremer would probably insist on seeing him. It must
have come as a great surprise that the Archduke Sebastian had turned
up.
JACK STRAW.
My dear people, don’t put yourselves out. If Count von Bremer has come
here to see me, it would be manifestly most discourteous to rob him of
that pleasure.
HOLLAND.
I think you’re quite mad, Jack.
JACK STRAW.
Unless I’m greatly mistaken, Count von Bremer has excessively bad sight.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
You don’t mean to say you’re going to meet ’im face to face?
JACK STRAW.
Remember that there are eighty-one Archdukes in Pomerania.
ETHEL.
You told me seventy-nine a little while ago.
JACK STRAW.
I have since seen in the paper that the Archduchess Anastasia has had
twins, which makes eighty-one. What more probable than that the
Ambassador has never seen the Archduke Sebastian?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, but what a risk to take. It’s enough to turn my false ’air grey.
JACK STRAW.
In any case, he can’t have set eyes on him for four years, because
nobody has.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
I suppose it ’asn’t struck you that he may talk to you in Pomeranian.
JACK STRAW.
Have you ever met a waiter who couldn’t discourse fluently in seven
languages at least?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Does that mean you can talk the Count’s beastly language?
JACK STRAW.
Like a beastly native, madam. But I may suggest to you that there will
be no need, since if I address the Count in English it would be the
height of discourtesy for him to answer in any other tongue.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Well, of all the cheek I’ve ever come across in my life, you just about
take the cake.
HOLLAND.
But look here, I remember seeing the Archduke described as a very
handsome man.
JACK STRAW.
Spare my blushes, dear friend. We are as like as two peas.
MRS. WITHERS _comes in_.
MRS. WITHERS.
Maria, the Count is looking for you everywhere. [_Seeing_ JACK STRAW.]
Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
JACK STRAW.
Not at all.
MRS. WITHERS.
He’s just coming along with Mr. Withers.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_In an aside to_ JACK STRAW.] Try and behave like a gentleman.
_Enter_ COUNT ADRIAN VON BREMER _and_ WITHERS.
JACK STRAW.
My dear Count!
COUNT.
This is a welcome surprise, sir.
JACK STRAW.
You know my hostess?
COUNT.
[_Shaking hands with_ MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.] How do you do?
JACK STRAW.
It is many years since we met.
COUNT.
I should have never recognised you, sir.
JACK STRAW.
I expect I had a moustache when you last saw me.
COUNT.
That changes a face so much. And then I am so blind nowadays.
JACK STRAW.
I daresay you have later news of the Emperor than I.
COUNT.
It will be a great pleasure to His Majesty to know that you are in
England, sir. I have ventured to telegraph to him.
JACK STRAW.
Have you, by Jove!
COUNT.
It was my duty to do so.
JACK STRAW.
I daresay you have several things you want to talk to me about?
COUNT.
I was hoping you would give me a few minutes conversation.
JACK STRAW.
[_To_ MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.] Will you forgive us if we take a little
stroll in the rose garden?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_Grimly._] I am much honoured, sir, that your Royal Highness should
condescend to walk in my rose garden.
JACK STRAW.
Come. [_He takes the_ COUNT’S _arm_. _At the door the COUNT hesitates_.]
[_Motioning to him to go first._] No, I pray you. I am at home here--the
most comfortable, hospitable home I have known for many a long day.
COUNT.
Do you propose to stay in these parts much longer, sir?
JACK STRAW.
I shall stay till Mrs. Parker-Jennings turns me out.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
You do us a great honour, sir. [_The_ COUNT _goes out. Just as he is
going_ JACK STRAW _turns round and gives_ MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS _an
elaborate wink_.] [_Furiously._] You, you, you, you, damned waiter!
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
THE THIRD ACT
_The_ =Scene= _is the same as in the preceding_ ACT.
_Next morning._
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS _and_ VINCENT _are discovered_.
VINCENT.
Where’s the governor?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
He’s ’aving an interview with the waiter.
VINCENT.
I hope he’ll give him what for.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
You trust your father for that. Oh, I thought I should never get through
last night. Eighteen people to dinner, and me on pins and needles the
whole time.
VINCENT.
There’s a ripping long account of the Garden Party in the _Cheshire
Times_.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Do you think I’ve not seen it?
VINCENT.
It went off beautifully; no one can deny that. There wasn’t a hitch.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_With a little cry of rage._] Oh!
_Enter_ MR. PARKER-JENNINGS.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Well?
PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_Apologetically._] My dear.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_Indignantly._] You’ve been and gone and made another old fool of
yourself, Jennings.
PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_With a deprecating laugh._] I’m afraid it’s the same old fool as
usual, Maria.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Don’t make jokes at me, Robert. Keep them for your City friends.
PARKER-JENNINGS.
He’s had breakfast.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
’As he indeed. At ’alf-past eleven. He’s not putting himself out, is he?
VINCENT.
When’s he going, father?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
It isn’t a question of when he’s going. Your father went to him and said
he was to clear out before twelve o’clock or we’d send for the police,
come what might. That’s what you told him, Robert, isn’t it?
PARKER-JENNINGS.
Well, my dear....
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
You always were a fool, Jennings. What have you done now?
PARKER-JENNINGS.
Well, my dear, he insisted on having one of the footmen in the room. He
said he didn’t like this English habit of ours of having no servants at
the breakfast-table.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
You don’t mean to say you let him order my servants about?
PARKER-JENNINGS.
My dear, what could I do? There was one of them in the room at the
time.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
And you sat by while he ate his breakfast?
PARKER-JENNINGS.
He has a very healthy appetite, Maria.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Don’t talk to me. You must ’ave ’ad some opportunity to give him a piece
of your mind.
PARKER-JENNINGS.
Well, my dear, we were left alone for a minute.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Well?
PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_Helplessly._] He was so affable that....
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Affable! Oh, you blithering fool. Wait till I get a word with him.
PARKER-JENNINGS.
Well, my dear, why didn’t you get rid of him last night?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
How could I get rid of ’im last night, with eighteen people come to
dinner to meet ’im?
VINCENT.
What about Lady Wanley?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, I never want to set eyes on her again. I know she was at the bottom
of this.
VINCENT.
But I thought you’d sent for her.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
So I ’ave, and for Holland too. They got us into the mess, and they must
get us out of it. It’s just as bad for them as for us now. That’s one
comfort.
JACK STRAW _comes in, in flannels, looking very cool and
comfortable_.
JACK STRAW.
Hulloa, there you are! I was just hunting around for some one to give me
a cigarette.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_Ironically._] I ’ope you ’ad a comfortable breakfast.
JACK STRAW.
A 1, thanks. Give me a cigarette, old man?
[VINCENT _is helping himself to one, and_ JACK STRAW _takes the
case out of his hand, helps himself, and returns it_.
VINCENT.
Don’t mind me, will you?
JACK STRAW.
Not at all.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_Aggressively._] Well?
JACK STRAW.
Jolly party you gave yesterday, Mrs. Jennings. It was a great success,
wasn’t it? [_Turning to_ PARKER-JENNINGS.] By the way, what was that
port we drank last night?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
No, you don’t, my friend. You may be able to bluff Jennings, but you
don’t bluff me.
JACK STRAW.
Bluff? Bluff? I flatter myself on my knowledge of English, but I don’t
think I’ve ever come across that word.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Haven’t you? Perhaps you ’aven’t come across the word skilly either?
But, unless you look out, you’ll know what it is before you want to.
JACK STRAW.
You talk in riddles, dear lady. I always think it a fatiguing habit.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, I’ll make myself clear. Don’t you ’ave any fear about that.
JACK STRAW.
[_Sitting down lazily._] I can’t help feeling the interval between
breakfast and luncheon in a country house is one of the most agreeable
moments of the day.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
See that there’s no one about, Vincent.
VINCENT.
It’s all right, mater.
JACK STRAW.
[_Looking at him blandly._] You have all the airs of a conspirator in a
romantic play, my friend. You only want a false beard and some blue
spectacles to make the picture perfect.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Now then, you listen to me, young man.
JACK STRAW.
You flatter me, madam.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
We’ve talked it over, my ’usband and me, and we’re no fools, whatever
you may think. You richly deserve to be ’anded over to the police.
JACK STRAW.
One moment. To which character are you now addressing yourself, to the
Archduke Sebastian or the waiter from the Grand Babylon Hotel?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, if you don’t take care, I’ll give you such a box on the ears.
JACK STRAW.
You certainly wouldn’t do that to a royal personage, would you? You must
be concerned for the moment with Jack Straw.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
It may surprise you, but I ’ave been for the last ’alf hour.
JACK STRAW.
I thought your manner had been a little abrupt.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
I was saying that you richly deserved to be ’anded over to the police.
JACK STRAW.
There may be two opinions on that question, but we will let it pass.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
But we don’t want a scandal.
JACK STRAW.
One has to be so careful in the smart set, doesn’t one?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
And we’re willing to let you go. Your luggage shall be packed, the motor
shall take you to the station.
VINCENT.
Mother, we shall all have to see him off, or it’ll look so fishy.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, we’ll see him off. Anything to get rid of ’im safely. There’s a
train in an hour from now. And I ’ave only one piece of advice to you,
and that is, take the chance while you’ve got it.
JACK STRAW.
It’s very kind of you, but I’m extremely comfortable here.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
You make me laugh.
JACK STRAW.
I always think it hard that it should be so difficult to make people do
that when you’re trying to be funny, and so easy when you’re trying to
be serious.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
You don’t want me to tell my footman to take you by the scruff of the
neck, and....
JACK STRAW.
My dear lady, let us keep perfectly calm. It would become neither of us
to lose our tempers.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Do you mean to say you won’t go?
JACK STRAW.
You put it in such a brutal way. Let us say rather, that I cannot tear
myself away from your hospitable roof.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Ha, and how long do you propose to give us the honour of your company?
JACK STRAW.
Well, I really haven’t quite made up my mind. I’m proposing to await
developments.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Send for the police, Robert. I won’t put up with it.
VINCENT.
You know, mother....
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Hold your tongue, Vincent.... [_To_ JACK STRAW.] Oh, my friend, I’m
sorry for you. Those nice white ’ands of yours will look pretty after
they’ve been picking oakum for six months.
JACK STRAW.
I had an idea that had been abolished in England.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh no, I think not.
JACK STRAW.
Ah, perhaps it was the treadmill I was thinking of.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Well, Vincent, ’ow much longer are you going to stand there like a
stuffed owl?
JACK STRAW.
Do my eyes deceive me, or is that a local paper that I see? [_He takes
it up._] Ah, I surmised that it would have an account of your garden
party. Two columns of it, by Jove! You must wish you hadn’t asked so
many people. [_Reading._] The Duchess of St. Erth, the Marchioness of
Mereston, the Marquess of Mereston, Lord and Lady Hollington, Viscount
Parnaby--dear me, how smart--Lady Wanley, Mr. and Mrs. Lamberville, the
Bishop of Sheffield, and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte.... I say, won’t
your humbler friends grind their teeth with envy. But doesn’t it say
anything about me? Here it is. [_Reading._] “The Archduke Sebastian
looked every inch a prince.” I said so. [_Reading to himself._] Oh,
spare my blushes. [_Aloud._] “His Royal Highness enchanted every one by
the grace of his bearing and the charm of his Imperial personality.”
Blood will tell.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_To_ PARKER-JENNINGS.] Are you going to stand there and let this man
insult me, Robert?
JACK STRAW.
[_Blandly._] And what do you imagine all these noble and distinguished
persons will think when they read in the next number of the local paper
that the royal personage whose hand they were so pleased to shake--I did
my duty like a hero, didn’t I?--was serving coffee and liqueurs a
fortnight ago in the Grand Babylon Hotel?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, be quiet, you....
JACK STRAW.
I can hear a titter rising softly in the village, with the doctor and
the parson and the solicitor, whom you didn’t ask to your party, and I
can hear it increase to a ripple of laughter as the story spreads
through Cheshire. I can hear a Homeric peal as it travels from county to
county. It’s a great guffaw in Manchester and Liverpool and the cities
of the North, and already I hear the deep laughter of Bristol and
Portsmouth and the West. And when it reaches London--you know how things
go in London, it’s so large that it takes it a little time really to get
hold of anything, but when at last it comes, can’t you see the huge city
holding its aching sides and bellowing with laughter. But I’ll tell you
who won’t see the joke--[_taking up the paper and reading_]--oh, they’ll
laugh very much on the wrong side of their mouths; the Duchess of St.
Erth, the Marchioness of Mereston, and my Lady Hollington and my Lord
Parnaby, and the Bishop of Sheffield and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, you devil!
JACK STRAW.
I can see you flying before the laughter like three tremulous leaves
before the wind, and the laughter will pursue you to Paris, where
they’ll make little songs about you on the boulevards, and the Riviera,
where they’ll sell your photographs on picture postcards. I can see you
fleeing across the Atlantic to hide your heads in the immensity of
America, and there the Yellow Press, pea-green with frenzy, will pile
column of ridicule upon column of invective. Oh, my dear lady, do you
think it isn’t worth while to endure six months hard labour to amuse the
world so profoundly?
[_There is a silence._ PARKER-JENNINGS _takes out his handkerchief,
makes it into a ball and mops his forehead_. VINCENT, _noticing
him, does the same_. MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS _gives the two a glance,
sees what they are doing, takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up
into a ball, and slowly mops her forehead_.
PARKER-JENNINGS.
It’s no good, Maria; we can’t give him in charge.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Tell me something I don’t know. We’re in the man’s hands, and he knows
it.
JACK STRAW.
[_With an amiable smile._] I thought you would come to see the situation
from my point of view.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_Beaten._] What are you going to do?
JACK STRAW.
At the present moment, with your permission, I am going to have a small
brandy and soda. Ring the bell, Vincent.
VINCENT.
Shall I, ma?
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
[_With angry resignation._] Oh, yes, ring it.
JACK STRAW.
For your own sake, I warn you to behave with the utmost decorum before
the servant.
[_A_ FOOTMAN _appears_.
PARKER-JENNINGS.
Bring his Royal Highness a brandy and soda, James.
SERVANT.
Very good, sir.
[_Exit._
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Oh, I wish it would choke you.
JACK STRAW.
I’m afraid I can hold out no hope of that.
MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.
Now, look here, I’m no fool, Mr. ---- I don’t know what to call you....
JACK STRAW.