humility is only fit for charity-school boys, who learn the "catechiz."
But even among these the notion of "humbly, lowly and reverendly," will
soon be _exploded_ by the music and dancing system; the new philosophy
of the times being, "Jack's as good as his master" and a "tarnation
sight better;" every one feels this _assurance_.
Be assured, gentle readers, there is nothing like brass; it enables a
man to put his best leg forward, and a good face upon any thing. Brass
is the true philosopher's stone, which turns all it touches into _tin_.
By it the insignificant makes himself important, the empiric becomes a
professor, the smatterer a proficient, the mountebank a philosopher,
and the quack an oracle; in short, by this rule, "fools rush in where
angels fear to tread."
The rule of Assurance is founded upon the fact, that there are no bounds
to human credulity; well sustained assumption, with a very small amount
of _gumption_, being alone requisite for miracles in commerce, trade,
politics, or religion.
EXAMPLES OF "ASSURANCE."
1. Calling on a friend in cold weather, make bold to "roast the boiling
piece," by placing your fundamental basis before his parlour fire; lean
your back against his "marble," scrape your shoes on his fender, and
puff your cigar to the detriment of his elaborate ornaments and
gimcracks; as to his wife and children being excluded from the fire, let
that be "a part of your religion," _fieri facias_.
2. Should you be invited to dinner, when you enter the house, walk at
once into the dining-room, and make yourself at home by pulling off your
boots, calling for a clean pair of shoes, a newspaper, a cigar, and the
arm chair; you may nod to the mistress of the house, and say "How do" to
the juveniles, if you do not wish to be taken for a brute.
3. Should you call at the house of a friend, during his absence, do not
hesitate to mount his best horse, and take a twenty miles' ride for the
sake of exercise. When you return, you can "stop dinner" with his wife,
and afterwards take her to the Opera.
4. On entering a country church, always patronise the clergyman's or the
squire's pew; should any ladies be present, you may take out your
eyeglass and quizz them with a vacant stare,--they will probably suppose
you to be an unknown friend;--politely hand the fair devotees the prayer
and hymn-book; you may also hum the bass in chords to the ladies'
treble; when you depart, be sure to make a very low congee, as it will
mark you for a gentleman.
5. Should you, by any chance, be introduced to a new acquaintance, you
may, at the expiration of a week, _jerrymediddle_ him by the
question--"You have not got such a thing as five pounds about you, have
you?" A person, who prefers your society to solitude, can have no
objection to a loan; you can then make yourself as scarce as asparagus
at Christmas.
[Illustration: MUTUAL ASSURANCE.]
ASSURANCE COMPANIES.
Assurance is displayed to perfection in modern Assurance Companies; and
it only requires _assurance_ to raise a company as baseless as the
emasculated minus of No. I., and as fabrickless as a "footless stocking
without a leg," which shall be eagerly taken by the public.
The following Prospectus, lately issued by a company in West Middlesex,
will afford an example:--
To the Public.--West Middlesex. The Visionary Assurance Company
and Utopian Insurance, for the beneficial investment of capital,
the insurance of lives, and the manufacture of diamonds out of
condensed soap bubbles.
DIRECTORS.
His Grace the Duke of Humbug.
The Most Noble the Marquis of Bam.
The Most Noble Viscount Moonshine.
The Right Hon. the Earl of Flybynight.
The Hon. Mr. Hazy, Member for Airshire.
J. R. Phantom, Esq. M.P.
Botherum Babblem, Esq. M.P.
P. Q. R. Pocket, Esq. M.P.
Daniel Do-the-Flats, Esq.
R. Will-o'-the-Wisp, Esq. M.P.
F. Fleecemwell, Esq.
J. Jack-o'-Lanthorn, Esq. M.P.
Timothy Takemin, Esq.
AUDITORS.
John Noakes, Esq.
Gregory Gammon, Esq.
Thomas Styles, Esq.
SOLICITORS.
Tag-Rag, Bob-Tail and Co.
SECRETARY.
Simon Snuff and Twopenny.
* * * * *
Royal Flesh and Bones Joint Stock Matrimonial Assurance Company. Patron,
Sir Peter Laurie.
The universal Uxorian, Matchmaking and Matchbreaking Company, for the
equal and uniform benefit of Maids, Damsels, Wives and Widows.
LIVE STOCK AND CAPITAL.
FEMALE STOCK.
Schedule A.--
2,500 young maids, between 15 and 40.
2,500 damsels, of all ages.
2,500 widows.
2,500 old maids.
YOUNG MAIDS with face and fortune, 100; with face without fortune, 900;
with fortune without face, 500; with neither face nor fortune, 1,000;
damsels ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto.
WIDOWS with youth and money, 100; with youth and no money, 800; with
money and no youth, 600; with neither youth nor money, 1,000.
OLD MAIDS, monied, 100; moneyless, 700; fidgety, with money, 700;
fidgety, without money, 1,000.
MALE STOCK.
2,500 young men, between 25 and 60.
2,500 bachelors, above 60.
2,500 widowers.
2,500 old men.
YOUNG MEN with whiskers, mustachoes, money, and connexion, 100; young
men with money and connexion, but without whiskers, &c. 800; young men
with whiskers, &c., but without money, 1,000; young men without money or
whiskers, 600.
BACHELORS with rheumatism and money, 500; without rheumatism and with
money, 100; without money and with rheumatism, 700; with neither
rheumatism nor money, 1,200.
WIDOWERS with families and money, 500; with money and without families,
100; with families and without money, 800; with neither families nor
money, 1,100.
OLD MEN, also OLD WOMEN, 500 requiring nurses; 500 not requiring nurses;
500 old men-women requiring nurses; bed-ridden, 1,000.
It is proposed to form the company of the above "Live Stock," the
members of which are each to possess a share in each other. The young
maids' class, No. 1, beauty, rank, and fortune, being the highest
prizes--there are supposed to be a hundred of such prizes. The second
class of prizes is rich old widows, with short lives, of which there are
also a hundred. The third class of prizes is rich old maids, of which
there are also a hundred. The fourth class comprehends beauty and
intelligence; the fifth, beauty only; and so on in a sliding scale, but
all prizes.
The male stock also comprehends a reciprocity system of prizes:--1st
class, of the whiskered; 2d, no whiskered; 3d, monied and whiskered; and
so on to widowers, with or without families, down to that least of all
valuable of the _genus homo_, old men-women.
RULES.
Each subscriber of a pound annually to have one ticket, which shall
entitle him to draw for each of the prizes on the 1st of April in every
year, at Exeter Hall, under a commission selected from the "Lumber
Troop."
The parties so fortunate as to draw a prize will have an introduction to
the subject of it, and a match will be negotiated, if possible, without
delay. Should the parties not suit each other, they will, upon the
payment of another guinea, be privileged to draw again. But it is
assumed, from a careful examination of matrimonial statistics drawn up
by Dr. Lardner, that the matter of suitability will never be taken into
consideration.
To facilitate its objects, a Normal seminary will be attached to the
society, and a registrar engaged to marry at a reduced price, "that is,
by the score."
BILLY BLOWMETIGHT, _Secretary_.
RULE XX.
STOCKS, FUNDS, &c.
The monetary system of England is the ideal philosophy of political
economists, who, in the conviction that "nothing exists," think it no
"matter" to found a variety of hypotheses to give tangibility to the
intangible, substance to accident, and reality to the abstract; in
short, to personify "nothing."
These intangible tangibilities bear various names, such as _Consols_,
_Bank Stock_, _Indian Stock_, _Long Annuities_, _Exchequer Bills_, &c.
The aggregate of these 0 0 0 0 0 noughts are, by a peculiar process of
national arithmetic, made to amount to _Stock_ or Funds.
Stocks or Funds are the true substantials. In the golden ages of the
world, cattle, corn, and merchandise were the medium of exchange among
nations; but as men grew more enlightened, they agreed to represent
these things by pieces of conventional metal. This at last becoming
scarce, the world would have fallen into a state of hapless and
irrecoverable ruin, but for the idea of a fictitious representation of a
representation, of a _non-existent_ which _might have been_.
Funds are therefore the _to kalon_, the absolute, the _logos_, the
never-to-be-apprehended, the inscrutable, the supreme totality of
"emptiness," the absolute cause, the absolute effect, the absolute
concurrence of national faith; in short, the commercial "ideal" which
all men worship, in its temples of the Bank and Stock Exchange.
Stocks are the "heaven of this religion," an agreeable hallucination, by
which a variety of insane persons, called Stockholders or Fundholders,
are permitted to roam at large under the conviction that they possess
_wealth_. The public are compelled to believe in these fictitious
representations, which are the foundation of the "imaginative system" in
fiscal affairs, of the Bill and Credit system in commerce, and of the
National Debt.
In England there is nothing truly _national_ but this debt, or dead
weight, which is the mighty pendulum which makes the national clock "go
upon tick." It is the true foundation of political economy and of social
faith or trust; "'pon tick" is the basis of the wealth and happiness of
our country, which it makes the envy of the world and the glory of
surrounding nations.
To be in debt argues credit, and credit respectability, and
respectability means, and means resolve themselves into _the Funds_;
here they merge into the blessed obscurity of "nothingness," and being
absorbed by the same media, pass for a "something" which is far more
formidable than "anything." Thus private wealth moves in a circle
continually, making the round O from 0 (nothing) to 0 (nothing.)
* * * * *
JOINT STOCK.--Joint Stock Companies are so called from the projectors
being generally "black legs," and their victims "raw Jemmies." The
object of such companies is to give honesty the "cross buttock," to
have a "shind eye" with capital, and to end in an "offal" bankruptcy.
From a consideration of the immediately preceding rules, and assuming as
a fact the spiritual and ethereal nature of stock or capital, it is
therefore proposed to found a Joint-Stock Company of unlimited capital,
to be called the Boreal Pneumatic Joint-Stock Company, for "raising the
wind," and making "darkness visible," or the National "Puff" Company.
Raising the wind has been the great problem of all financial operations.
It is of far more importance than "raising the dead." The "wind" is a
conventional term for the "needful." It is called wind because it is
raised by various "Puffs."
There are various kinds of Puff; the Puff National, the Puff Medical,
the Puff Legal, the Puff Literary, the "Puff Theatrical," and the Puff
Scholastic.
THE PUFF NATIONAL--A ROYAL SPEECH.
MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,--The flourishing state of my empire having
filled me with the most intense satisfaction, I have called you together
to inform you that we are the envy of the world and glory of
surrounding nations, and that everything is so plentiful that pigs run
about the streets ready roasted, with carving knives and forks stuck in
their backs, crying, "Eat me, eat me!"
I continue to receive from foreign powers the most friendly intercourse,
and an assurance that they have unanimously agreed to sink their own
national interests in a regard for my welfare; and in this I am certain
there is no "gammon."
The Commercial and Mercantile interests are in such a state of
convalescent perfection, and gold is so plentiful, that I have ordered a
commission to consider of the propriety of paving with it the various
thoroughfares of the metropolis, in lieu of Blockheads.
Owing to a great improvement in Benevolent affairs, it is with pleasure
I have to inform you that the Public Societies have given up their
vested rights, dues, peculations, and pickings, for the benefit of the
poor, (should there be any such,) and will henceforth "preach without
Profit."
Owing also to the general distribution of wealth among all classes, I
have been enabled to divest physic of its fees, and law of its charges;
and both these professions will for henceforth be conducted "free
gratis" and "for nothing."
* * * * *
GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,--Through the practice of the most
rigid economy in every branch of my establishment, I have directed to be
laid before you an account of the sums paid into the Exchequer, being
the _surplus of my revenue_; and I have further to inform you that
taxation being no longer necessary, the expense of a house of _com_mons
may be dispensed with, and the large sums usually paid in "bribery at
elections," I trust will be left to fructify in the pockets of the
members.
This constitutional determination on my part, for the benefit of my
people, has arisen from my being called, by Divine Providence, to a
sense of my true estate of a State pauper, which has led me to reduce my
dietary and that of my household to that of the _Poor-Law Unions_, and
to introduce _teatotality_ into every department; and I have great
gratification in being able to announce, that as I have now lost "having
a _shadow_" to my royal personality, I may myself be shortly expected
to evaporize, and the expense of a monarchy may be saved for the future.
* * * * *
MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,--With and by the advice of my Privy Council, I
have determined upon putting into execution the _hydrostatic paradox_,
or _cold water cure_, in and upon that part of my dominions called
Ireland; and a commission consisting of the Lords Spiritual and Temporal
has been issued for laying that "flower of the earth and gem of the sea"
"_under water_" for the space of one month, as the best method of
extinguishing the torch of discord, the fire of malevolence, and the
smoke of sedition, and of allaying all ferment upon _Atlantic_ if not
upon _pacific_ principles.
I rely confidently upon the wisdom of my Parliament to enable me to
carry out my beneficent intentions of subjecting all my people to "live
upon air," as the symbol of true freedom, and as the most liberal and
inexpensive method of obviating the evils which have hitherto surrounded
my throne and government; and I would submit to your serious
consideration the expediency of establishing a training school at Exeter
Hall, for teaching _wind instruments_ to all my subjects, and for the
arrangement of _airs_ corresponding to the various _meals_, _feasts_,
and _dishes_ of every day life; and I indulge the anticipation that the
substitution of _oxygen_ for _oxen_, and _gas_ for _Gas_tronomy, will be
conducive to the health, wealth, and prosperity of my empire.
THE PUFF SCHOLASTIC.
UNIVERSAL
School-Master's Manufacturing Company,
AND NORMAL SCHOOL.
CAPITAL--SPEC.
PATRON.
HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS HOKE POKE WHANGEE FUM.
King of the Cannibal Islands.
PRESIDENT.
SAMUEL SLICK, Esq. of Slickville.
VICE-PRESIDENTS.
JOHN SHEPPARD, Esq.
The Hon. MR. PICKWICK.
TIM BOBBIN, Esq.
JAMES CROW, Esq.
SAMUEL WELLER, Esq.
WILLIAM BLACK, Esq. alias "BLACK BILLY."
COMMITTEE.
DANIEL DUNCE, Esq.
GEORGE GREENHORN.
SAMUEL SPOONEY.
DARBY DOLLERHEAD, Esq.
FRANCIS FLAT.
STEPHEN STUTTERS.
This Company is established in consequence of the lamented deficiency in
the scholastic profession; and its object is to manufacture
schoolmasters of a very superior character, at a cheap rate, from
various "refuse" articles of all trades and professions--technically,
the "unfit" or _good-for-nothing_.
In consequence of a profound investigation of the science of education,
it has been discovered that those who are unable to conduct any other
business, are the best adapted to "teach the young idea how to shoot;"
and therefore cast-off cobblers, tailors, teachers, and drapers,
shop-boys and errand-boys, will be received into the establishment at
the rate of a guinea a-week; where, by the aid of educational galvanism,
their misdirected faculties will be sublimed, their ideas topsiturvied,
their moral and intellectual nature turned inside out, their
understandings new vamped, soled, and _welted_, and their minds infused
with a succedaneum of intellectual electricity, which shall evaporate
itself in the mixed mathematics, pedagogicks, whackbackics,
pancakeatics, tickletobyatics, and all other scholastic sciences.
Candidates must bring personal recommendations, of a squint, a slouch, a
leer, a game leg, a hump back, or any other accomplishments. Should
they be unfortunately destitute of these, they may produce testimonials
of fitness from their washerwomen; but those who do not indulge in the
luxury of a clean shirt may be recommended by the teacher of any Social
sect to which they may belong. These certificates must certify them to
be bumble headed, addle-pated, numbsculled, good for nothing else; that
they wear dickeys and are donkeys.
Upon entering the Institution the seminants will be forced to forget
everything they ever knew, by a machine invented by Mr. Combe for
"Razing out the errors of the brain," and which has been used with the
happiest effects at the Glasgow Normal Establishment.--A perfect Tabla
Rasa being thus produced in vacuo, on Locke's principle, the professors
will commence teaching their pupils to know a great A from a bull's
foot, how many beans make five, and other branches of the pure
mathematics.
As all the seminants will be _naturals_, Natural Philosophy will be a
principal object of study, and the mechanical system of Dr. Lardner will
be the text-book. History will be imparted through the renowned
histories of "Jack the Giant Killer," "Jack and the Bean Stalk," "The
Ogre and his Seven-leagued Boots," and the "Newgate Calendar," under the
superintendence of John Ketch, Esq.; Morality and Esthenics through the
medium of "Ovid's Art of Love," "Basia," and "Little's Poems;" while the
Principles of Science will be imparted through the "Boxiana," by
Professor Cribb, assisted by the celebrated Scotch terrier, "Fudge."
Religion being in the highest degree essential, it cannot be dispensed
with without endangering the safety of the Company. But as there are so
many different sects of religionists, and so many differences in the
sects, it is proposed to teach religion by machinery, on the
comprehensive accommodation principle of expediency, by means of one of
Cobbett's cast-iron Independent parsons, which, being constructed upon
the profoundest principles of neutrality, will satisfy all parties, by
teaching every religion at the same time, and none in particular: thus
Atheism and Methodism may shake hands together, Mahommedanism and
Calvinism embrace, and Buddhism and every other schism kiss each other
in the true spirit of Christian liberality and equality.
Degrees will be granted to those pupils who may distinguish themselves
in flagellation, or a dexterous use of the cat or tawse, or by
proficiency in the evolutions of cane, strap, or ruler; the degree of
P.W., Professed Walloper, being equal to that of A.M.
(Signed)
The Right Rev. ROB. TAILOR,
The Right Hon. P. CLEAVE,
The Very Rev. ROB. CARLISLE,
SIMON SQUEERS,
_Secretary_.
THE PUFF NOVEL.
We are requested to announce that the new Novel, called the
"BLOODY-MINDED COSTERMONGER, or the DONKEY'S APOTHEOSIS," having
experienced a sale unprecedented in the annals of Literature, a new
edition is in preparation, worked by steam apparatus, to supply the
astounding demand, and will be issued on Saturday next.
"This extraordinary work is creating a sensation the most intense, as it
completely daguerreotypes nature, penetrates the feelings like the
electric shock, macadamises the heart, and cuts the soul to
shivers."--_The Censor_.
* * * * *
NEW NOVEL BY "SNIVIE." Written seven months after his decease, by the
aid of the galvanic apparatus.--It having come to the ears of an
experimental philosopher, La Fontaine, that this great author was no
more, and it being justly surmised that a very large amount of Novel
matter must remain in his _system_, La Fontaine undertook the task of
extracting it by means of the mesmeric process, and has succeeded with
wonderful effect. In performing his numerous experiments the flashes of
wit were so intense as to overpower the anxious publisher, who, in the
intensity of his admiration, has paid so large a sum for the copyright
as to be enabled to add to the character of the work by charging
double.
THE PUFF THEATRICAL.
It is with the most astounding rapture that the Manager of the Theatre
Royal, Drury Lane, has to announce that the new tragedy of "Chandos the
Briber, or the Independent Potwalloper," which met with the most
transcendent success on its first representation, has been recharged by
the Author with pathetic scenes and tender situations, abounding with
the most overpowering sentiment and overwhelming pathos. The Manager
regrets that the cascades of tears which fell from the boxes and gallery
during the last representation should have inconvenienced the "critics
in the pit," and begs to inform them that, for the future, they shall
not sit ankle deep in the "briny flood," he having, at a prodigious
expense, and by the aid of a distinguished engineer, succeeded in
forming a grand branch aqueduct, which will receive through the floor of
the house "Nature's gentle droppings," and, by an appropriate channel,
transmit them to the back of the stage to a grand reservoir. Thus, the
last scene of the tragedy, which represents the bombardment of Stow
House by Norfolk dumplings, will be represented on "real salt water;"
the said salt water being an accumulation of the tears shed at the
preceding scenes of the tragedy.
N. B. It is particularly requested that ladies or gentlemen in the boxes
will refrain from wringing out their pocket handkerchiefs over the pit,
and that those in the front ranks will discontinue the practice of
"hoisting umbrellas," which must obviously obstruct a view of the stage.
THE PUFF MERCANTILE.
Reform your Tailor's Bills.--Clothes saved and Tailors annihilated. "_In
puris naturalibus._" "Where there is no sin there should be no
shame."--Cool contrivance for warm weather, the fig-leaf apron, the
oldest garment upon record, or the sacred tunic. This unique and perfect
introduction, formed of the common dock, having been patronised by the
highest authority, will be supplied to all who value cool comfort and
free motion of the limbs, at a guinea each. To the religiously-disposed
it is particularly eligible, being the original antique of Adam and
Eve, our first parents, the pattern of which was found in the archives
of Strawberry Hill. It comes half way to the knee, hangs simply and
elegantly before and behind, and may be had of various colours to suit
the complexion. It cannot fail to display the fine form of the limbs,
and imparts a degree of interest to the whole person not to be found in
common pantaloons, and has the advantage of being adapted to both sexes.
Observe,
=97 SMOCK ALLEY, SHOREDITCH. 97=
N. B. An inferior tunic of cabbage-leaves, half a guinea.
THE PUFF CLERICAL.
VOLUNTARY CHURCH-GOING COMPANY.
The lamentable neglect of public worship, which characterises the
present generation, being such as to call for the most rigorous
methods, and it having been discovered that fine and imprisonment are
insufficient to make the people "religiously disposed," it is in
contemplation to found a Society or Company which, reprobating the
principle of coercion as unconstitutional in its means, futile in its
ends, shall, by the mild suavity of enticement, induce the lower classes
of this country to seek, on the Sabbath-day, in preference to all other
places, the Conventicle.