Because Barry had hinted it annoyed him to have her in the house while
he was trying to write, Berenice had decided to go out for an hour or
so, to give the poor lad a chance. And for a few minutes it bothered
her to be idling, whereas there were so many little things that needed
her attention. A house became so weary. It needed a flick of the hand
here and there, a touch to flowers. But the white road, and the
arching blue-green trees, and the drift of the dogwood--a cloud, not a
flower, did it seem, so delicately balanced was it in the May air--all
these took her eyes, and the immense miracle of spring drew her
thoughts from the gracious artifice of the house. How gently, how
imperceptibly it came, a little curling wave of the west wind, and the
clearly pitched note of an adventuring bird! It was like the moon,
spring was; a clear thin line of silver in the gray sky, like the
minute green of the waking willow-tree, and it grew ... under your eyes
was its sweet benevolence. And it was hard to go to sleep at night, so
much was being accomplished, for fear you would miss some phase of the
return of beauty. Oh, the little birds ... so fussy, so intense about
their nests. The showers like great sheets of silver; and after each
the slim trees were more like pretty ladies, and the great thick trees
like pleasant stalwart men. And the flowers came shyly, demurely, just
as young girls might come; just as she herself, Berenice, felt, acted
when she was fifteen, and was brought into a roomful of strange people.
And she stopped for an instant at the dark pool where the little
turtles were busy, swimming to and fro, a clear-cut, fine line on the
dusky water, a minute head with crystalline beads of eyes, just showing
... and if they thought you were watching them they dived--a flick and
they were gone--and if you saw clearly enough you could notice their
flippers waggle slowly as they made for the downy bed of the pool. And
some kept fearfully quiet, sitting on stones, or on logs, and at any
quick movement you made, they plumped like stones. And the great trees
around so much alive, so patient... She could understand how poets of
an older, simpler age saw dryads in them. Pan she could not
understand, nor satyrs, but dryads were sib to her, young shy women in
garments of apple-green. You could tell a good picture of a tree from
a bad one that way: some had dryads in them and some were only wood.
So many thoughts were in her, so keenly did she feel a kinship with the
trees, with the singing birds, with the west wind that cleared the air,
that she wished she had some one to speak to about it. But a great
shyness... And perhaps, even, it could n't be said in words, perhaps
music. Well, hardly even that. She had tried to speak to Barry about
it. But Barry had kissed her and thought her a moonstruck kid, as he
said. Poor Barry! Directors of periodicals were so hard on him! It
was dreadful to hurt him that way. Though she confessed the treason
with a shock to herself, she found it hard, well-nigh impossible, to
read what he wrote. It was hard for her to understand artificial women
and noble men. All she knew was nature, and that was not artificial.
Nor was it noble, either, she thought; it had just a sweet, harmonious
kindliness. There could be nobility only where ignominy existed
too--and in nature was no ignominy. She wished she knew more about men
and women, for Barry's sake, to understand these matters he wrote of,
passion and crime. But dramatic passion seemed so needless in her
eyes, and crime was so sickly; she just felt a pity for it, a sense
that they, poor people, must be crazy to do such things. Oh, she
wished she understood--could help him! She remembered when, over a
year ago, a little periodical had decided to print one of his writings,
the letter came as the first snowflakes fell. And she could not feel
excited with him, because in her heart, beyond her control, was some
strange rhythm. The snow, the soft and harmonious snow ... and in her
head was a picture of nursery days, of pine-trees under a delicate
white weight, and old Saint Nicholas, whom little children called Santa
Claus, driving through a fleecy world ... his red cheeks, his white
beard, his reindeer with the silver tinkling bells. And reindeer
brought the thought to her of squat, hairy Laplanders, fishing solemnly
near the Pole, through a little hole they had cut in the ice, while
away in the background ambled a great polar bear. A very terrible
animal it must be, but one always thought of it as gentle as some big
old dog.
Oh, she wished she were a better woman, a woman who had her husband's
interests at heart! People said a woman could make a man. She
wondered how. And it was said of some that their husbands owed their
careers all to them. How? But how? And even if she knew, her
terrible shyness... She could be intimate with dogs, and horses, and
solemn, aloof kine. But words did n't come to her somehow. It was
such a drawback!
And when he was disappointed, she stood there, dumb as a stone.
Nothing would formulate. All she could think of was to lift his hand
and kiss it quietly, and oftentimes a tear would come because he was
hurt. But she could say nothing that would make things seem easy. All
she could think of would be to take him out in the dusky night, and
look in silence at the stars. All the immensity of gleaming worlds ...
so scattered, so varied, and not one ugliness. And one felt drawn out
of oneself toward the beautiful, terrific heavens, and all the worries
and troubles seemed of less consequence than the droning of a bee. A
little sum of money lost, a petty ambition frustrated, a cheap man's
jibe, those hurt for a moment, but how little they mattered under the
clouds of stars!
And if she could take him out and be silent with him, while the
crickets sang and the little frogs croaked their funny dissonant
harmony, and earth rolled along eastward under the arching heavens...
But maybe he was right--she was only a funny dreaming kid.
She had come to the sound now, and quiet as a lake the broad stretch of
water was before her. And here and there was a steamer, and southward
a spluttering tug pulling a line of barges rigged with square auxiliary
sails. Her mind leaped forward to eight weeks from then, when the
regattas would begin, and from all parts of the sound, from north of
it, Marblehead even, the boats would come with white curving sails to
fight for supremacy. Great forty-footers, and the smaller thirties,
and the fast P-boats with their immense Bermuda rigs, and little
handicap sloops, and cat-boats manned by boys in bathing-suits, all
scurrying, swishing, all in turn jibing, coming about, jockeying to go
over the line with the gun.
And then, too, soon the great blind porpoises would come gamboling,
shining like negroes, follow-my-leader. And the bluefish would run.
And on the rocks the querulous bird population would screech and
chatter. And one would look out for the boats going to New Bedford and
to Fall River ... their calm progress like a steady horse's, and their
lights. And the great lumber schooners would come down from Nova
Scotia, with their blue-eyed, taciturn sailors, to anchor at City
Island.
A little quiver underneath her heart reminded her. How should she tell
Barry she was going to have a little baby? When should she tell him,
and what should she say? She must be careful. She must n't disturb
his work. And would he be happy about it? Or would he--would he--she
bit her lips suddenly--would he not be pleased?