sorry for it, and will you again allow your self to be guilty of a
weakness, which will certainly be in the same manner followed by
repentance, besides being attended with pain?
Never argue with any but men of sense and temper.
It is ill-manners to trouble people with talking too much either of
yourself, or your affairs. If you are full of yourself, consider that
you, and your affairs, are not so interesting to other people as to you.
Keep silence sometimes, upon subjects which you are known to be a judge
of. So your silence, where you are ignorant, will not discover you.
To use phrases which admit of a double meaning is ungentlemanly, and, if
addressed to a lady, they become positively insulting.
There is a vulgar custom, too prevalent, of calling almost everybody
"colonel" in this country, of which it is sufficient to say, that this
false use of titles prevails most among the lower ranks of society--a
fact which sufficiently stamps upon it its real character, and renders
it, to say the least, a doubtful compliment to him who has no right to
the title.
Think like the wise; but talk like ordinary people. Never go out of the
common road, but for somewhat.
Don't dispute against facts well established, merely because there is
somewhat unaccountable in them. That the world should be created of
nothing is to us inconceivable but not therefore to be doubted.
As you are going to a party of mirth, think of the hazard you run of
misbehaving. While you are engaged, do not wholly forget yourself. And
after all is over, reflect how you have behaved. If well, be thankful;
it is more than you could have promised. If otherwise, be more careful
for the future.
It will never do to be ignorant of the names and approximate ages of
great composers, especially in large cities, where music is so highly
appreciated and so common a theme. It will be decidedly condemnatory if
you talk of the _new_ opera "Don Giovanni," or Rossini's "Trovatore,"
or are ignorant who composed "Fidelio," and in what opera occur such
common pieces as "_Ciascun lo dice_," or "_Il Segreto_." I do not say
that these trifles are indispensable, and when a man has better
knowledge to offer, especially with genius or "cleverness" to back it,
he will not only be pardoned for an ignorance of them, but can even take
a high tone, and profess indifference or contempt of them. But, at the
same time, such ignorance stamps an ordinary man, and hinders
conversation.
Don't talk of "the opera" in the presence of those who are not
frequenters of it. They will imagine that you are showing off, or that
you are _lying_, and that you have never been to the opera twice in your
life. For the same reason, avoid too frequently speaking of your
acquaintance with celebrated men, unless you are a public man yourself,
who would be supposed to have such acquaintance.
Do not sit dumb in company. That looks either like pride, cunning, or
stupidity. Give your opinion modestly, but freely; hear that of others
with candor; and ever endeavor to find out, and to communicate truth.
In mixed company, be readier to hear than to speak, and put people upon
talking of what is in their own way. For then you will both oblige them,
and be most likely to improve by their conversation.
Humanity will direct to be particularly cautious of treating with the
least appearance of neglect those who have lately met with misfortunes,
and are sunk in life. Such persons are apt to think themselves slighted,
when no such thing is intended. Their minds being already sore, feel the
least rub very severely. And who would be so cruel as to add affliction
to the afflicted?
To smother the generosity of those who have obliged you, is imprudent,
as well as ungrateful. The mention of kindnesses received may excite
those who hear it to deserve your good word, by imitating the example
which they see does others so much honor.
Learning is like bank-notes. Prudence and good behavior are like silver,
useful upon all occasions.
If you have been once in company with an idle person, it is enough. You
need never go again. You have heard all he knows. And he has had no
opportunity of learning anything new. For idle people make no
improvements.
Deep learning will make you acceptable to the learned; but it is only an
easy and obliging behavior, and entertaining conversation, that will
make you agreeable in all companies.
Men repent speaking ten times for once that they repent keeping silence.
It is an advantage to have concealed one's opinion. For by that means
you may change your judgment of things (which every wise man finds
reason to do) and not be accused of fickleness.
There is hardly any bodily blemish, which a winning behavior will not
conceal, or make tolerable; and there is no external grace, which
ill-nature or affectation will not deform.
If you mean to make your side of the argument appear plausible, do not
prejudice people against what you think truth by your passionate manner
of defending it.
There is an affected humility more insufferable than downright pride, as
hypocrisy is more abominable than libertinism. Take care that your
virtues be genuine and unsophisticated.
Never ask any one who is conversing with you to repeat his words.
Nothing is ruder than to say, "Pardon me, will you repeat that sentence?
I did not hear you at first," and thus imply that your attention was
wandering when he first spoke.
When we speak of ourselves and another person, whether he is absent or
present, propriety requires us to mention ourselves last. Thus we should
say, _he and I_, _you and I_.
If a man is telling that which is as old as the hills, or which you
believe to be false, the better way is to let him go on. Why should you
refuse a man the pleasure of believing that he is telling you something
which you never heard before? Besides, by refusing to believe him, or by
telling him that his story is old, you not only mortify him, but the
whole company is made uneasy, and, by sympathy, share his mortification.
Never notice it if others make mistakes in language. To notice by word
or look such errors in those around you, is excessively ill-bred.
Avoid raillery and sarcasm in social parties. They are weapons which few
can use; and because you happen to have a razor in your possession, that
is no reason why you should be allowed to cut the throats of the rest
who are unarmed. Malicious jests at the expense of those who are present
or absent, show that he who uses them is devoid both of the instincts
and habits of a _gentleman_. Where two individuals or the whole company
agree to banter each other with good-natured sallies of wit, it is very
pleasant, but the least taint of ill-nature spoils all.
If upon the entrance of a visitor you continue a conversation begun
before, you should always explain the subject to the new-comer.
If there is any one in the company whom you do not know, be careful how
you let off any epigrams or pleasant little sarcasms. You might be very
witty upon halters to a man whose father had been hanged. The first
requisite for successful conversation is to know your company well.
Carefully avoid subjects which may be construed into personalities, and
keep a strict reserve upon family matters. Avoid, if you can, seeing the
skeleton in your friend's closet, but if it is paraded for your special
benefit, regard it as a sacred confidence, and never betray your
knowledge to a third party.
Listen attentively and patiently to what is said. It is a great and
difficult talent to be a good listener, but it is one which the
well-bred man has to acquire, at whatever pains. Do not anticipate the
point of a story which another person is reciting, or take it from his
lips to finish it in your own language. To do this is a great breach of
etiquette.
Dr. Johnson, whose reputation as a _talker_ was hardly less than that
which he acquired as a writer, prided himself on the appositeness of his
quotations, the choice of his words, and the correctness of his
expressions. Had he lived in this "age of progress," he would have
discovered that his lexicon was not only incomplete, but required
numerous emendations. We can fancy the irritable moralist endeavoring to
comprehend the idea which a young lady wishes to convey when she
expresses the opinion that a bonnet is "_awful_," or that of a young
gentleman, when he asserts that his coat is "_played out_!"
Avoid the use of proverbs in conversation, and all sorts of cant
phrases. This error is, I believe, censured by Lord Chesterfield, and is
one of the most offensively vulgar which a person can commit.
It is bad manners to satirize lawyers in the presence of lawyers, or
doctors in the presence of one of that calling, and so of all the
professions. Nor should you rail against bribery and corruption in the
presence of politicians, (especially of a New York politician,) or
members of Congress, as they will have good reason to suppose that you
are hinting at them. It is the aim of politeness to leave the arena of
social intercourse untainted with any severity of language, or
bitterness of feeling. There are places and occasions where wrong must
be exposed and reproved, but it is an unpardonable piece of rudeness to
attempt such things at your own or another's social party, where
everything is carefully to be avoided that can in the least disturb the
happiness of any one. For this reason all kinds of controversies are, as
a general rule, to be avoided at such times.
Any conversation (that is not interdicted by decency and propriety)
which can be pleasing to the whole company, is desirable. Amusement,
more than instruction even, is to be sought for in social parties.
People are not supposed to come together on such occasions because they
are ignorant and need teaching, but to seek amusement and relaxation
from professional and daily cares. All the English books on etiquette
tell you that "punning is scrupulously to be avoided as a species of
ale-house wit," and a savage remark of Dr. Johnson is usually quoted on
the subject. But punning is no more to be avoided than any other kind of
wit; and if all wit is to be banished from the social circle, it will be
left a stupid affair indeed. All kinds of wit, puns by no means
excepted, give a delightful relish to social parties when they spring
up naturally and spontaneously out of the themes of conversation. But
for a man to be constantly straining himself to make jokes is to make
himself ridiculous, and to annoy the whole company, and is, therefore,
what no gentleman will be guilty of.
Talk as little of yourself as possible, or of any science or business in
which you have acquired fame. There is a banker in New York who is
always certain to occupy the time of every party he gets into, by
talking of his _per cents_, and boasting that he _began life without a
cent_--which every one readily believes; and if he were to add that he
_began life in a pig-pen_, they would believe that too.
If you put on a proud carriage, people will want to know what there is
in you to be proud of. And it is ten to one whether they value your
accomplishments at the same rate as you. And the higher you aspire, they
will be the more desirous to mortify you.
Nothing is more nauseous than apparent self-sufficiency. For it shows
the company two things, which are extremely disagreeable: that you have
a high opinion of yourself, and that you have comparatively a mean
opinion of them.
It is the concussion of passions that produces a storm. Let an angry man
alone, and he will cool off himself.
It is but seldom that very remarkable occurrences fall out in life. The
evenness of your temper will be in most danger of being troubled by
trifles which take you by surprise.
It is as obliging in company, especially of superiors, to listen
attentively, as to talk entertainingly.
Don't think of knocking out another person's brains, because he differs
in opinion from you. It will be as rational to knock yourself on the
head, because you differ from yourself ten years ago.
If you want to gain any man's good opinion, take particular care how you
behave, the first time you are in company with him. The light you appear
in at first, to one who is neither inclined to think well or ill of you,
will strongly prejudice him either for or against you.
Good humor is the only shield to keep off the darts of the satirical
railer. If you have a quiver well stored, and are sure of hitting him
between the joints of the harness, do not spare him. But you had better
not bend your bow than miss your aim.
The modest man is seldom the object of envy.
In the company of ladies, do not labor to establish learned points by
long-winded arguments. They do not care to take too much pains to find
out truth.
You will forbear to interrupt a person who is telling a story, even
though he is making historical mistakes in dates and facts. If he makes
mistakes it is his own fault, and it is not your business to mortify him
by attempting to correct his blunders in presence of those with whom he
is ambitious to stand well.
In a dispute, if you cannot reconcile the parties, withdraw from them.
You will surely make one enemy, perhaps two, by taking either side in an
argument when the speakers have lost their temper.
Do not _dispute_ in a party of ladies and gentlemen. If a gentleman
advances an opinion which is different from ideas you are known to
entertain, either appear not to have heard it, or differ with him as
gently as possible. You will not say, "Sir, you are mistaken!" "Sir, you
are wrong!" or that you "happen to know better;" but you will rather
use some such phrase as, "Pardon me--if I am not mistaken," etc. This
will give him a chance to say some such civil thing as that he regrets
to disagree with you; and if he has not the good manners to do it, you
have, at any rate, established your own manners as those of a gentleman
in the eyes of the company. And when you have done that, you need not
trouble yourself about any opinions he may advance contrary to your own.
If you talk sentences, do not at the same time give yourself a
magisterial air in doing it. An easy conversation is the only agreeable
one, especially in mixed company.
Be sure of the fact, before you lose time in searching for a cause.
If you have a friend that will reprove your faults and foibles, consider
you enjoy a blessing, which the king upon the throne cannot have.
In disputes upon moral or scientific points, ever let your aim be to
come at truth, not to conquer your opponent. So you never shall be at a
loss in losing the argument, and gaining a new discovery.
What may be very entertaining in company with ignorant people, may be
tiresome to those who know more of the matter than yourself.
There is a sort of accidental and altogether equivocal type of city
women, who never get into the country, but they employ their time in
trying to astonish the country people with narrations of the fine things
they left behind them in the city. If they have a dirty little closet,
with ten valueless books in it, they will call it their _library_. If
they have some small room, that is used as kitchen, parlor, and
dining-room, they will magnify it into a _drawing-room_. And a hundred
other _little_ signs of their _great_ vulgarity they will constantly
insist on exhibiting to their country auditors.
Put yourself on the same level as the person to whom you speak, and
under penalty of being considered a pedantic idiot, refrain from
explaining any expression or word that you may use.
If you are really a wit, remember that in conversation its true office
consists more in finding it in others, than showing off a great deal of
it yourself. He who goes out of your company pleased with himself is
sure to be pleased with you. Even as great a man as Dr. Johnson once
retired from a party where everybody had spent the evening in listening
to him, and remarked, as he went out, "We have had a pleasant evening,
and much excellent conversation."
If you happen to fall into company where the talk runs into party,
obscenity, scandal, folly, or vice of any kind, you had better pass for
morose or unsocial, among people whose good opinion is not worth having,
than shock your own conscience by joining in conversation which you must
disapprove of.
If you would have a right account of things from illiterate people, let
them tell their story in their own way. If you put them upon talking
according to logical rules, you will quite confound them.
I was much pleased with the saying of a gentleman, who was engaged in a
friendly argument with another upon a point in morals. "You and I [says
he to his antagonist] seem, as far as I hitherto understand, to differ
considerably in our opinions. Let us, if you please, try wherein we can
agree." The scheme in most disputes is to try who shall conquer, or
confound the other. It is therefore no wonder that so little light is
struck out in conversation, where a candid inquiry after truth is the
least thing thought of.
By all means, shun the vulgar habit of joking at the expense of women.
All such tricks as refusing a lady a piece of tongue, because "_women
already have tongue enough_," are as vulgar as they are old and stale.
The man who does not respect woman, exposes himself to the suspicion of
associating generally with the fallen portion of the sex. And besides,
he has no right to make a respectable parlor or drawing-room the theater
of such vulgar jokes and railing against the sex as go down in low
society.
If a man complains to you of his wife, a woman of her husband, a parent
of a child, or a child of a parent, be very cautious how you meddle
between such near relations, to blame the behavior of one to the other.
You will only have the hatred of both parties, and do no good with
either. But this does not hinder your giving both parties, or either,
your best advice in a prudent manner.
Be prudently secret. But don't affect to make a secret of what all the
world may know, nor give yourself airs of being as close as a
conspirator. You will better disappoint idle curiosity by seeming to
have nothing to conceal.
Never blame a friend without joining some commendation to make reproof
go down.
It is by giving free rein to folly, in conversation and action, that
people expose themselves to contempt and ridicule. The modest man may
deprive himself of some part of the applause of some sort of people in
conversation, by not shining altogether so much as he might have done.
Or he may deprive himself of some lesser advantages in life by his
reluctancy in putting himself forward. But it is only the rash and
impetuous talker, or actor, that effectually exposes himself in
company, or ruins himself in life. It is therefore easy to determine
which is the safest side to err on.
It is a base temper in mankind, that they will not take the smallest
slight at the hand of those who have done them the greatest kindness.
If you fall into the greatest company, in a natural and unforced way,
look upon yourself as one of them; and do not sneak, nor suffer any one
to treat you unworthily, without just showing that you know behavior.
But if you see them disposed to be rude, overbearing, or purse-proud, it
will be more decent and less troublesome to retire, than to wrangle with
them.
There cannot be any practice more offensive than that of taking a person
aside to whisper in a room with company; yet this rudeness is of
frequent occurrence--and that with those who know it to be improper.
If at any time you chance, in conversation, to get on a side of an
argument which you find not to be tenable, or any other way over-shoot
yourself, turn off the subject in as easy and good humored a way as you
can. If you proceed still, and endeavor, right or wrong, to make your
first point good, you will only entangle yourself the more, and in the
end expose yourself.
Never over-praise any absent person, especially ladies, in company of
ladies. It is the way to bring envy and hatred upon those whom you wish
well to.
To try whether your conversation is likely to be acceptable to people of
sense, imagine what you say written down, or printed, and consider how
it would read; whether it would appear natural, improving and
entertaining; or affected, unmeaning, or mischievous.
It is better, in conversation with positive men, to turn off the subject
in dispute with some merry conceit, than keep up the contention to the
disturbance of the company.
Don't give your advice upon any extraordinary emergency, nor your
opinion upon any difficult point, especially in company of eminent
persons, without first taking time to deliberate. If you say nothing, it
may not be known whether your silence was owing to the ignorance of the
subject, or to modesty. If you give a rash and crude opinion, you are
effectually and irrecoverably exposed.
If you fill your fancy, while you are in company, with suspicions of
their thinking meanly of you; if you puff yourself up with imaginations
of appearing to them a very witty, or profound person; if you discompose
yourself with fears of misbehaving before them, or in any way put
yourself out of yourself, you will not appear in your natural color, but
in that of an affected, personated character, which is always
disagreeable.
It may be useful to study, at leisure, a variety of proper phrases for
such occasions as are most frequent in life, as civilities to superiors,
expressions of kindness to inferiors; congratulations, condolence,
expressions of gratitude, acknowledgment of faults, asking or denying of
favors, etc. I prescribe no particular phrases, because, our language
continually fluctuating, they must soon become stiff and unfashionable.
The best method of acquiring the accomplishment of graceful and easy
manner of expression for the common occasions of life, is attention and
imitation of well-bred people. Nothing makes a man appear more
contemptible than barrenness, pedantry, or impropriety of expression.
Avoid flattery. A delicate compliment is permissible in conversation,
but flattery is broad, coarse, and to sensible people, disgusting. If
you flatter your superiors, they will distrust you, thinking you have
some selfish end; if you flatter ladies, they will despise you, thinking
you have no other conversation.
If you meet an ill-bred fellow in company, whose voice and manners are
offensive to you, you cannot resent it at the time, because by so doing
you compel the whole company to be spectators of your quarrel, and the
pleasure of the party would be spoiled.
If you must speak upon a difficult point, be the last speaker if you
can.
You will not be agreeable to company, if you strive to bring in or keep
up a subject unsuitable to their capacities, or humor.
You will never convince a man of ordinary sense by overbearing his
understanding. If you dispute with him in such a manner as to show a due
deference for his judgment, your complaisance may win him, though your
saucy arguments could not.
Avoid appearing dogmatical and too positive in any assertions you make,
which can possibly be subject to any contradiction. He that is
peremptory in his own story, may meet with another as positive as
himself to contradict him, and then the two Sir Positives will be sure
to have a skirmish.
The frequent use of the name of God, or the Devil; allusions to passages
of Scripture; mocking at anything serious and devout, oaths, vulgar
by-words, cant phrases, affected hard words, when familiar terms will do
as well; scraps of _Latin_, _Greek_ or _French_; quotations from plays
spoke in a theatrical manner--all these, much used in conversation,
render a person very contemptible to grave and wise men.
If you send people away from your company well-pleased with themselves,
you need not fear but they will be well enough pleased with you, whether
they have received any instruction from you or not. Most people had
rather be pleased than instructed.
If you can express yourself to be perfectly understood in ten words,
never use a dozen. Go not about to prove, by a long series of reasoning,
what all the world is ready to own.
If any one takes the trouble of finding fault with you, you ought in
reason to suppose he has some regard for you, else he would not run the
hazard of disobliging you, and drawing upon himself your hatred.
Do not ruffle or provoke any man; why should any one be the worse for
coming into company with you? Be not yourself provoked. Why should you
give any man the advantage over you?