Gwen's Resolve
'How little thou canst tell
How much in thee is ill or well!
Nor for thy neighbour, nor for thee,
Be sure!'--_Clough._
Gwen cleared her throat. She sat in a low wicker chair by the open
window of the drawing room, and for a minute her eye wandered out into
the back garden, which looked in perfect order, and hardly needed the
incessant hoeing and weeding of a lanky youth, who was now resting on
his hoe and leaning against the wall in a sleepy attitude.
'We have now been here three months, and after the satisfactory evening
we had with our accounts, Agatha, last week, we have come to the
conclusion that we can live here well within our income. This being
the case, and all anxiety for the future----'
'You're talking like a book,' interrupted Elfie saucily; 'don't purse
up your mouth so, and look so superior, and like Cousin James.'
'Very well, then, I will come to the point at once. I mean to go out
to California and pay Walter a visit, and I want to sail before the end
of this month.'
There was a dead silence. Then Agatha said a little drily, 'And you
will want your 100 pounds to do that, of course?'
'No, I don't.' Gwen's tone was a little sharp. 'I have some in hand
from my writing. I can see from your faces that you don't approve, but
I've had it in my mind for a long time, only I have waited to see how
things would go. Cousin Jacob's treachery was a bitter blow, as I was
afraid you would want me at home to look after you all----'
'We're not the poor fools you think us,' put in Clare indignantly.
Gwen went on as if she had not heard her: 'And now I have got the
garden into such excellent condition, and you are all shaking down and
finding friends and occupations for yourselves--Agatha, the vicar and
the villagers; Clare, her sweet Miss Villars; and Elfie, divided
between the church organ and her music at home--I shall not be needed
or missed. I don't mean to be away for years, but I am sure from
Walter's letters that he is not doing as well as he should. He wants
shaking up, perhaps starting in a new groove; and, honestly, I want to
see life in the Colonies. It will do me good, and I hope I shall do
him good. I may be back in six months' time. That is my idea--to pay
him a visit, and then come back to you here.'
'I suppose we should all like to visit him,' said Clare crossly. 'Why
shouldn't one of us go, and you stay at home? I am sure a winter here
will finish me.'
Walter seems such a stranger to us,' said Elfie, 'that I wonder if he
will like it. He was always at a boarding-school, and we only saw him
for the holidays, and then he went abroad directly he left school. I
hardly know anything about him. Has he any idea you are going, Gwen?
'I will write by the next mail and tell him. I know him a little
better than you do, Elfie, for you were but a child when he left
England. He has often said how he would like one of us out there to
keep house for him. Of course, he will be delighted.'
'I am sorry you want to go,' Agatha said slowly.
'Why? Is there any good reason why I should stay at home?'
Agatha was silent, and though the younger girls plied Gwen with
innumerable questions, and were full of excitement about it, she said
nothing, and presently walked out of the room.
Gwen looked after her with a mixture of doubtful perplexity and
annoyance. She and Agatha had always been much together, and she
valued her opinion, though determined not to be swayed by it. She felt
this silence meant disapproval, and was by turns uneasy and indignant
at it. It was not till after Clare and Elfie had retired to bed that
night that Agatha referred to the matter. And Gwen little knew that
she had been kneeling at her bedside praying for guidance in offering
her advice, for more than an hour that evening.
'Well,' said Gwen, with a little laugh, as she reclined in her
favourite wicker chair, and looked up at her sister's grave face, as
she turned from her writing-table to speak, 'what does Madam Prudence
say to my scheme?'
'I think it is too important a step to take hastily,' said Agatha.
'My dear, I have been thinking of it for months; there has been no
haste in the matter. Removal of objection number one! Now for number
two!'
'I think,' said Agatha slowly, 'that you are quite as likely to
unsettle Walter as to settle him. He is not doing very grandly, but he
keeps out of debt; and it seems to me that it is only by steady
perseverance that fortunes are made nowadays. Then you may seriously
inconvenience him by giving him such short notice of your intentions.
A man living by himself on a small farm is not prepared to receive
ladies at a day's notice. He may be away from home when you arrive.
Oh yes, I know you are not going to be influenced by what I say, but I
do ask you to look upon it as a serious matter. And, Gwen, you know I
don't often "preach," as you term it, but I do wish you would practise
the verse old Nannie gave you just before we left London. It is an
important step. Do commit it unto the Lord.'
'I am not religious,' said Gwen, a little lightly.
'Do you never mean to be?'
'I don't know. Every one has a different nature. It is natural for
you to be good. It is natural for you to trust and lean upon religion,
because you have such a humble opinion of your own judgment and powers.
Now I feel--I can't help feeling--a confidence in myself. It may be
conceit, but it is natural for me to trust in my own judgment, and plan
my own course of life, and until disaster attends my attempts I shall
continue to act for myself. Of this I am certain!'
'Ah, don't say that!' exclaimed Agatha; 'it would be sad if disaster
were to follow this step of yours. I hoped, from your advocating a
country life, that you would be content to settle down here quietly.
If it is the dulness of the place that is driving you abroad, I am
sorry we ever came here.'
'I am never dull anywhere,' Gwen said quickly; 'I have too many
resources. It is not that at all. I have wanted to go out to Walter
for a long time, and now I have made enough money to do it, nothing
will stop me.'
'You are so sure of yourself,' said Agatha, sighing.
'Yes, and I am not ashamed of it. We can't be all alike, and
self-confidence is a great blessing sometimes. It saves one from an
infinite amount of care and worry.'
Agatha was silent. As is often the case with sisters, there was great
reserve between them on matters that lay closely to their hearts, and
though Agatha longed to warn Gwen of her besetting fault, she hesitated.
Gwen continued with alacrity: 'I have made inquiries about steamers,
and hope to sail the week after next. I have very little preparation
to make, for I am not given to much luggage.'
'And you mean to go out quite by yourself?'
'Why not? In these days chaperons are unnecessary. There are always
some nice people on board who befriend single women. I am not a young
girl.'
'You are not very old,' said Agatha, scanning the bright, handsome face
with its wilful mouth and determined chin; 'and as I know vanity is not
a failing of yours, I may say that you are too good-looking to be going
about the world alone.'
Gwen laughed. 'Oh, you poor old thing! Why will you try to mother us
all, when you cannot manage it! You may be perfectly certain I can
take care of myself. Now shall we go to bed, or have you any more
objections to make?'
'I wish you would pray over it,' were Agatha's parting words; and when
Gwen got to her room that night she pondered over them.
She was not actually irreligious. She read her Bible occasionally, and
went through a form of prayer by her bedside every night; but religion
had never touched her heart. It was but an empty name to her, and she
was too secure in her self-confidence and pride to ever feel her need
of anything outside herself.
She drew her Bible towards her now, and turned to the 37th Psalm. She
first glanced at the verse Nannie gave her, then read the psalm through
carefully and steadily.
'It exactly describes Cousin James,' was her inward thought. 'I wish
we could always see the good righted in this life, and the wicked cut
off. I am afraid I could not follow out these precepts in my life. It
is all waiting and trusting and doing nothing oneself, but letting God
do it all for one. It is a psalm that must bring wonderful comfort to
Agatha. Of course, I shall be able to pray that my visit to Walter may
be for good, but I am sure it will. It is not as if I am meditating
some very wrong course of action. If they really wanted me here, I
would not think of leaving them. I am going out for Walter's good. Oh
dear! how often I wish I had been the man in our family!'
With such thoughts as these she presently bent her head, and asked a
blessing on her undertaking, and then turned into bed, feeling very
virtuous at having done so.
There was a great deal of talk between the sisters about Gwen's
proposal, but not one of them now thought to dissuade her, and the only
unpleasant criticism she had to bear was from Miss Miller.
Elfie and Gwen met her in the village, and she stopped them at once.
'What is this I hear?' she demanded, tapping Gwen on the shoulder with
her stick. 'Are you going off to find a husband abroad, because you
haven't been able to pick one up here? I thought you young ladies
would be disappointed when you came to know our neighbourhood.'
'Our friends and acquaintances are not limited to this small corner,
Miss Miller,' retorted Gwen, holding her head proudly; 'we should be in
a poor plight if they were. And if we felt dull, London is not out of
reach. I am going out to my brother.'
'So I have been told. You are going to live amongst bushrangers and
savages. It shows a refined and modest taste to go where you will be
the only woman. But I am surprised at nothing in these days, when
everything is topsy-turvy, and society at its worst. Women vie with
one another in being conspicuous, and girls go about the world in men's
clothes!'
Elfie began to laugh, but Gwen said haughtily,--
'Since it does not surprise you, Miss Miller, I wonder you mention it
at all.'
'Husband-hunting!' growled Miss Miller; and she hurried past them
without another word.
'She is an impertinent woman!' said Gwen wrathfully.
'I think she is an old dear,' said Elfie merrily. 'You never hear
people speak out their thoughts as she does! I always wonder what she
is going to say next. The other day I was leaving a message for Agatha
at the vicarage, when she came out with Lady Buttonshaw, who had been
calling there. She said good-bye to her, and then added with great
severity: "It is a good thing for you to be without your maid for a
little. I shall not hurry Emma Gray to go to you. A woman might as
well turn into a fashion-block as allow her maid to clothe and unclothe
her as your maid does you! Bestir yourself, my dear. Find out on
which side the buttons on your boots are, and how many hairpins are
necessary for the erection of your pretty hair!" Lady Buttonshaw only
laughed as she walked away. I suppose everybody knows that her bark is
worse than her bite!'
Gwen had a different criticism pronounced upon her departure by old Deb
and Patty. She went to wish them good-bye, and their surprise was
great when she told them where she was going.
'Is it among the wild beasts and heathens? Well, you're a brave young
lady to venture out all alone. But I should be terribly afeared of
losin' my way. Are there signposts all the way?'
'There, Patty, you ain't showin' off your knowledge to talk so! Miss
Gwen will go all the way in a steamer, and her brother will be meetin'
her when she comes to land. It's the steamers are so tryin' to flesh
and blood. Mr. Giles told me all about it when he went to America with
his master. You have to sleep on shelves up the wall, and there be no
washin' your clothes for the whole time you're on the sea, which to a
clean, decent body must be dreadful! And the food is shaken out of you
as fast as you gets it down, and 'tis a marvel that a body gets to the
other side o' the world alive!'
'It's wonderful good of you, miss, to go to take care of your brother!'
said Patty, regarding Gwen with an awe-struck face; 'but you gentlefolk
seem to be hardier to such things than us should be. And then you'll
be able to speak them foreign langwidges. But it's to be hoped the
cannibals won't get hold on you. I've only seen one person come back
from foreign parts alive, and that was Tom Clark, and he was a sailor.
But I reckon there are a few beside him that live to come back!'
'You'll not be marryin' an Indian prince out there, miss?' put in Deb
anxiously.
'Miss Gwen is a Christian,' Patty said solemnly. 'She wouldn't be
marryin' a heathen who keeps wives by the score, and eats them up by
turns!'
And Gwen laughingly assured them that she meant to return as she
went--a single woman.
The days slipped by; Gwen, with her usual energy and determination,
arranged for her journey in every detail, and when the time came, took
leave of her sisters with cheerful equanimity.
'It is not for very long,' she said; 'and if you want me back sooner,
you have only to wire and tell me so. I shall be back, I hope, before
Christmas.'
But Christmas seemed to Agatha a long way off, and she perhaps of all
the sisters felt most depressed at Gwen's departure.