8 A.M.--Rise, as in the country, and stroll round the squares before
breakfast, to see the turn out of cooks and charwomen. Ask your way back
of the first policeman you meet.
9 A.M.--Breakfast. First taste of London milk and butter. Analyse, if
not in a hurry. Any policeman will show you the nearest chemist.
10 A.M.--To Battersea Park to see carpets beaten. Curious atmospheric
effects observable in the clouds of dust and the language of the
beaters. Inquire your road of any policeman.
11 A.M.--Take penny steamer up to Westminster Bridge, in time to arrive
at Scotland Yard, and inspect the police as they start on their various
beats. For any information, inquire of the inspector.
12 P.M.--Hansom cab races. These can be viewed at any hour by standing
still at a hundred yards from any cabstand and holding up a shilling.
An amusing sequel may be enjoyed by referring all the drivers to the
nearest policeman.
1 P.M.--Observe the beauties of solitude among the flowers in Hyde Park.
Lunch at the lodge on curds and whey. Ask the whey of the park keeper.
2 P.M.--Visit the exhibitions of painting on the various scaffoldings in
Belgravia. Ask the next policeman if the house painters are Royal
Academicians. Note what he says.
3 P.M.--Look at the shops in Bond Street and Regent Street, and purchase
the dummy goods disposed of at an awful sacrifice.
4 P.M.--See the stickleback fed at the Westminster Aquarium. If nervous
at being alone, ask the policeman in waiting to accompany you over the
building.
5 P.M.--Find a friend still in town to give you five o'clock tea in her
back drawing-room--the front of the house being shut up.
6 P.M.--Back to the park. Imagine the imposing cavalcades in Rotten Row
(now invisible), with the aid of one exercising groom and the two
daughters of a riding-master in full procession.
7 P.M.--Wake up the waiters at the Triclinium Restaurant, and persuade
them to warm up dinner for your benefit.
8 P.M.--Perambulate the Strand, and visit the closed doors of the
various theatres. Ask the nearest policeman for his opinion on London
actors. You will find it as good as a play.
9 P.M.--A Turkish bath may be had in Covent Garden Theatre. Towels or
programmes are supplied by the policemen at the doors.
10 P.M.--Converse, before turning in, with the policeman on duty or the
fireman in charge of the fire-escape. Much interesting information may
be obtained in this way.
11 P.M.--Supper at the cabmen's shelter, or the coffee stall corner of
Hyde Park. Get a policeman to take you home to bed.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Benevolent Old Gentleman._ "_Poor_ little thing! Is it
hurt?"
[_But it was only the week's washing._
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AMENITIES OF THE ROAD.--_Robert._ "Now then,
four-wheeler, why couldn't you pull up sooner? Didn't you see me 'old up
my 'and?" _Cabby_ (_suavely_). "Well, constable, I _did_ see a kind of
shadder pass acrorst the sky; but my 'orse 'e shied at your feet!"]
* * * * *
_Q._ WHAT is the best sort of cigar to smoke in a hansom?
_A._ A Cab-ana.
* * * * *
THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.--It must have belonged originally to an omnibus,
for it is continually "taking up" and "putting down" people.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Groom_ (_whose master is fully occupied with
unmanageable pair which has just run into rear of omnibus_). "Well,
anyway, it wasn't the guv'nor's fault."
'_Bus Conductor._ "No--it was _your_ fault, for letting 'im drive!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE WAY WE BUILD NOW."--_Indignant Houseowner_ (_he had
heard it was so much cheaper, in the end, to buy your house_).
"Wh' what's the--what am I!--wha' what do you suppose is the meaning of
this, Mr. Scampling!"
_Local Builder._ "'T' tut, tut! Well, sir, I 'spects
some one's been a-leanin' agin it!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: GETTING HIS ANSWER
_Important Old Gent_ (_from the country, who thinks the lofty bearing of
these London barmaids ought to be "taken down a bit"_). "Glass of ale,
young woman; and look sharp, please!"
_Haughty Blonde_ (_blandly_). "Second-class refreshments lower down,
sir!!"]
* * * * *