THE MAN OF P-R-O-R-PERTY
And now behold Mr. Puffington, fat, fair, and rather more than
forty--Puffington, no longer the light limber lad who patronized us in Bond
Street, but Puffington a plump, portly sort of personage, filling his smart
clothes uncommonly full. Men no longer hailing him heartily from bay
windows, or greeting him cheerily in short but familiar terms, but bowing
ceremoniously as they passed with their wives, or perhaps turning down
streets or into shops to avoid him. What is the last rose of summer to do
under such circumstances? What, indeed, but retire into the country? A man
may shine there long after he is voted a bore in town, provided none of his
old friends are there to proclaim him. Country people are tolerant of
twaddle, and slow of finding things out for themselves. Puff now turned his
attention to the country, or rather to the advertisements of estates for
sale, and immortal George Robins soon fitted him with one of his earthly
paradises; a mansion replete with every modern elegance, luxury, and
convenience, situated in the heart of the most lovely scenery in the world,
with eight hundred acres of land of the finest quality, capable of growing
forty bushels of wheat after turnips. In addition to the estate there was a
lordship or reputed lordship to shoot over, a river to fish in, a pack of
fox-hounds to hunt with, and the advertisements gave a sly hint as to the
possibility of the property influencing the representation of the
neighbouring borough of Swillingford, if not of returning the member
itself.
This was Hanby House, and though the description undoubtedly partook of
George's usual high-flown _couleur-de-rose_ style, the manor being only a
manor provided the owner sacrificed his interest in Swillingford by driving
off its poachers, and the river being only a river when the tiny Swill was
swollen into one, still Hanby House was a very nice attractive sort of
place, and seen in the rich foliage of its summer dress, with all its roses
and flowering shrubs in full blow, the description was not so wide of the
mark as Robins's descriptions usually were. Puff bought it, and became what
he called 'a man of p-r-o-r-perty.' To be sure, after he got possession he
found that it was only an acre here and there that would grow forty bushels
of wheat after turnips, and that there was a good deal more to do at the
house than he expected, the furniture of the late occupants having hidden
many defects, added to which they had walked off with almost everything
they could wrench down, under the name of fixtures; indeed, there was not a
peg to hang up his hat when he entered. This, however, was nothing, and
Puff very soon made it into one of the most perfect bachelor residences
that ever was seen. Not but that it was a family house, with good nurseries
and offices of every description; but Puff used to take a sort of wicked
pleasure in telling the ladies who came trooping over with their daughters,
pretending they thought he was from home, and wishing to see the elegant
furniture, that there was nothing in the nurseries, which he was going to
convert into billiard and smoking-rooms. This, and a few similar sallies,
earned our friend the reputation of a wit in the country.
There was great rush of gentlemen to call upon him; many of the mammas
seemed to think that first come would be first served, and sent their
husbands over before he was fairly squatted. Various and contradictory were
the accounts they brought home. Men are so stupid at seeing and remembering
things. Old Mr. Muddle came back bemused with sherry, declaring that he
thought Mr. Puffington was as old as he was (sixty-two), while Mrs.
Mousetrap thought he wasn't more than thirty at the outside. She described
him as 'painfully handsome.' Mr. Slowan couldn't tell whether the
drawing-room furniture was chintz, or damask, or what it was; indeed, he
wasn't sure that he was in the drawing-room at all; while Mr. Gapes
insisted that the carpet was a Turkey carpet, whereas it was a royal cut
pile. It might be that the smartness and freshness of everything confused
the bucolic minds, little accustomed to wholesale grandeur.
Mr. Puffington quite eclipsed all the old country families with their
'company rooms' and put-away furniture. Then, when he began to grind about
the country in his lofty mail-phaeton, with a pair of spanking,
high-stepping bays, and a couple of arm-folded, lolling grooms, shedding
his cards in return for their calls, there was such a talk, such a
commotion, as had never been known before. Then, indeed, he was appreciated
at his true worth.
[Illustration: AN 'AMA-A-ZIN' POP'LAR' MAN]
'Mr. Puffington was here the other day,' said Mrs. Smirk to Mrs. Smooth, in
the well-known 'great-deal-more-meant-than-said' style. 'Oh such a charming
man! Such ease! such manners! such knowledge of high life!' Puff had been
at his old tricks. He had resuscitated Lord Legbail, now Earl of Loosefish;
imported Sir Harry Blueun from somewhere near Geneva, whither he had
retired on marrying his mistress; and resuscitated Lord Mudlark, who had
broken his neck many years before from his tandem in Piccadilly. Whatever
was said, Puff always had a duplicate or illustration involving a nobleman.
The great names might be rather far-fetched at times, to be sure, but when
people are inclined to be pleased they don't keep putting that and that
together to see how they fit, and whether they come naturally or are lugged
in neck and heels. Puff's talk was very telling.
One great man to a house is the usual country allowance, and many are not
very long in letting out who theirs are; but Puffington seemed to have the
whole peerage, baronetage, and knightage at command. Old Mrs. Slyboots,
indeed, thought that he must be connected with the peerage some way; his
mother, perhaps, had been the daughter of a peer, and she gave herself an
infinity of trouble in hunting through the 'matches'--with what success it
is not necessary to say. The old ladies unanimously agreed that he was a
most agreeable, interesting young man; and though the young ones did
pretend to run him down among themselves, calling him ugly, and so on, it
was only in the vain hope of dissuading each other from thinking of him.
Mr. Puffington still stuck to the 'am_aa_zin' pop'lar man' character; a
character that is not so convenient to support in the country as it is in
town. The borough of Swillingford, as we have already intimated, was not
the best conducted borough in the world; indeed, when we say that the
principal trade of the place was poaching, our country readers will be able
to form a very accurate opinion on that head. When Puff took possession of
Hanby there was a fair show of pheasants about the house, and a good
sprinkling of hares and partridges over the estate and manor generally; but
refusing to prosecute the first poachers that were caught, the rest took
the hint, and cleared everything off in a week, dividing the plunder among
them. They also burnt his river and bagged his fine Dorking fowls, and all
these feats being accomplished with impunity, they turned their attention
to his fat sheep.
'Poacher' is only a mild term for 'thief.'
Puff was a perfect milch-cow in the way of generosity. He gave to
everything and everybody, and did not seem to be acquainted with any
smaller sum than a five-pound note; a five-pound note to replace Giles
Jolter's cart-horse (that used to carry his own game for the poachers to
the poulterers at Plunderstone)--five pounds to buy Dame Doubletongue
another pig, though she had only just given three pounds for the one that
died--five pounds towards the fire at farmer Scratchley's, though it had
taken place two years before Puff came into the country, and Scratchley had
been living upon it ever since--and sundry other five pounds to other
equally deserving and amiable people. He put his name down for fifty to the
Mangeysterne hounds without ever being asked; which reminds us that we
ought to be directing our attention to that noble establishment.
It is hard to have to go behind the scenes of an ill-supported hunt, and we
will be as brief and tender with the cripples as we can. The Mangeysterne
hounds wanted that great ingredient of prosperity, a large nest-egg
subscriber, to whom all others could be tributary--paying or not as might
be convenient. The consequence was they were always up the spout. They were
neither a scratch pack nor a regular pack, but something betwixt and
between. They were hunted by a saddler, who found his own horses, and
sometimes he had a whip and sometimes he hadn't. The establishment died as
often as old Mantalini himself. Every season that came to a close was
proclaimed to be their last, but somehow or other they always managed to
scramble into existence on the approach of another. It is a way, indeed,
that delicate packs have of recruiting their finances. Nevertheless, the
Mangeysternes did look very like coming to an end about the time that Mr.
Puffington bought Hanby House. The saddler huntsman had failed; John Doe
had taken one of his screws, and Richard Roe the other, and anybody might
have the hounds that liked: Puffington then turned up.
Great was the joy diffused throughout the Mangeysterne country when it
transpired, through the medium of his valet, Louis Bergamotte, that 'his
lor' had _beaucoup habit rouge_' in his wardrobe. Not only habit rouge, but
habit blue and buff, that he used to sport with 'Old Beaufort' and the
Badminton Hunt--coats that he certainly had no chance of ever getting into
again, but still which he kept as memorials of the past--souvenirs of the
days when he was young and slim. The bottle-conjurer could just as soon
have got into his quart bottle as Puff could into the Beaufort coat at the
time of which we are writing. The intelligence of their existence was
quickly followed by the aforesaid fifty-pound cheque. A meeting of the
Mangeysterne hunt was called at the sign of the Thirsty Freeman in
Swillingford--Sir Charles Figgs, Knight--a large-promising but badly paying
subscriber--in the chair, when it was proposed and carried unanimously that
Mr. Puffington was eminently qualified for the mastership of the hunt, and
that it be offered to him accordingly. Puff 'bit.' He recalled his early
exploits with 'Mostyn and old Beaufort,' and resolved that the hunt had
taken a right view of his abilities. In coming to this decision he,
perhaps, was not altogether uninfluenced by a plausible subscription list,
which seemed about equal to the ordinary expenses, supposing that any
reliance could be placed on the figures and calculations of Sir Charles.
All those, however, who have had anything to do with subscription
lists--and in these days of universal testimonializing who has not?--well
know that pounds upon paper and pounds in the pocket are very different
things. Above all Puff felt that he was a new man in the country, and that
taking the hounds would give him weight.
The 'Mangeysterne dogs' then began to 'look up'; Mr. Puffington took to
them in earnest; bought a 'Beckford,' and shortened his military stirrups
to a hunting seat.