and some imagination. I traveled for three or four years, but since
then I have had to employ agents. Some authors would almost fill this
room by themselves, if I cared to collect all the weapons for which
they are responsible. See all those spears and broadswords--that is
my Sir Thomas Malory corner. Walter Scott covered almost that entire
wall--spears, claymores, daggers, battleaxes and pistols. I could
not get the sword of Saladin--that, like some other valuable pieces,
is owned by a Virtuoso, of whom you may have heard. This sword was
used by Rudolf Rassendyll--he employed it in freeing the prisoner of
Zenda. A revolver would have been quicker, probably, but not half so
picturesque. I was glad to get that sword, but I soon had to stop
buying the mass of cutlery that came into the market shortly after it
was forged. I could have filled my house with it. Poor weapons they
were, mostly. See those rapiers over the fireplace--they are of the
finest temper, and came from Alexandre Dumas. The one on the left, of
somewhat the same shape, was used by A Gentleman of France. That spear
was carried by the squire of Sir Nigel Loring when he rode into Spain
at the head of the White Company. There is the good broadsword of young
Lochinvar, and this is the sword with which Horatius held the bridge in
the brave days of old."
"The one with which he killed the Lord of Luna?'
"Precisely. How does it go?"
"'Through teeth, and skull, and helmet,
So fierce a thrust he sped
The good sword stood a handbreadth out
Behind the Tuscan's head.'
"No one does anything like that now. Those were the days!"
"They were, certainly. The two swords next to Horatius's--who owned
them?"
"Lord Barnard and Little Musgrave. You know the old ballad?"
And Mr. Gooch quoted again:
"'The first stroke little Musgrave struck,
He hurt Lord Barnard sore;
The next stroke that Lord Barnard struck,
Little Musgrave never struck more.'"
Then the collector showed me a rifle of modern pattern.
"The regular rifle of the British army twenty years ago. This belonged
to Private Stanley Ortheris. He took it with him that day he went out
to look for a native deserter who was making things unpleasant by night
for the old regiment. Ortheris had his two companions with him, and
while they waited Learoyd told the story 'On Greenhow Hill.' At its
end, the deserter appeared and Ortheris ended his career at long range.
'Mayhap there was a lass tewed up wi' him, too,' opined Learoyd."
I nodded, for I liked the story well.
"Here is the pistol," said Mr. Gooch, "that was found by the side of
Mr. John Oakhurst, gambler, who struck a streak of bad luck on the 23d
of November, 1850, and handed in his checks on the 7th of December,
1850."
Then I asked about a hammer that lay among other objects on the table.
"It is not a weapon, exactly," admitted Mr. Gooch, "but it belonged
to Adam Bede. He used it in making a coffin, the night his father was
drowned. The musket is the one with which Carver Doone shot Lorna
in the church. That peculiar machine in the corner? It doesn't look
earthly, does it? As a matter of fact, it is a heat ray apparatus which
was employed by the Martians in the War of the Worlds."
We moved around the room slowly, Mr. Gooch sometimes pointing to
weapons which hung high above our heads, and sometimes taking them down
so I could examine them closely. In this more satisfactory fashion he
now showed me a remarkable axe. The haft was of rhinoceros horn, wound
with copper wire. This handle was over a yard long. The head was of
steel. As I had suspected, the axe had belonged to Umslopogaas, the
Zulu warrior. With this axe he had terrorized the French cook Alphonse,
and with it he fought his great fight at the head of the stairway. It
had numerous nicks in the horn handle--each nick representing a man
killed with it in battle.
"Here is another knife which figured in a murder," said Mr. Gooch.
"Tess killed Alec D'Urberville with it. And this is the unsheathed
sword that lay between Tristram and Iseult."
On a shelf in a corner was a piece of some red stone. I inquired about
it, remarking that it did not seem to belong to the collection,
"No, it does not," Mr. Gooch agreed, "but it served very effectively on
a certain occasion. That was the meeting of the scientific society on
the Stanislow. If I can quote correctly, the incident is described as
follows:
"'Then Peleg Jones of Angels raised a point of order, when
A chunk of old red sandstone took him in the abdomen--
And he smiled a kind of sickly smile, and curled up on the floor,
And the subsequent proceedings interested him no more.'
"I remember now," said I, "it was the beginning of a serious battle."
"Yes; events followed fast and furious--
"'In less time than it takes to tell it, every member did engage
In a battle with those remnants of a paleozoic age,
And the way they hurled those fossils in their anger was a sin--
Till the skull of an old mammoth caved the head of Thompson in.'"
Mr. Gooch then showed me Bob Acres' dueling pistols. They gave no signs
of having been used, and it is doubtful if they would have been very
deadly at forty paces--Bob's favorite fighting distance. Here was also
the cross-bow, with which the Ancient Mariner killed the albatross. I
found, hanging from a hook, two curious weapons which resembled light
darts, or spears. My host reached them down for me, and I looked them
over closely. Their composition was apparent--the halves of a pair of
scissors had been tied to two wands.
"They look much more harmless than Bob Acres' pistols, do they not?
As a matter of fact, they were used in a duel, and one of them killed
its man. The duel was fought in Edinburgh Castle between two French
prisoners,--one of whom was St. Ives."
"And the lasso that hangs above them?"
"Employed in a tournament by a Connecticut Yankee at King Arthur's
Court,--until Merlin stole it. This is the sword with which Sergeant
Troy displayed his dexterity before Bathsheba Everdene. And this blade
you have heard celebrated in song a good many times--it is the Sword of
Bunker Hill. And with this Miles Standish stirred the posset. Here is
the revolver with which Sherlock Holmes used to amuse himself in his
room on Baker street--sitting in his chair, and making a patriotic 'V.
R.' in bullet pocks on the wall, much to the annoyance of the good Dr.
Watson. These daggers are rather odd--four of them, and two swords,
you see. They came from 'The Critic' where the two Nieces draw their
two daggers to strike Whiskerandos, the two Uncles point their swords
at Whiskerandos, and he draws two daggers and holds them to the two
Nieces' bosoms. So they would have stood forever, if the Beefeater
hadn't come in and commanded them, in the queen's name, to drop their
weapons. There's the Beefeater's halberd, too. Doubtless you've
wondered at this naval gun. It fired the shot that did the business
for the 'Haliotis,' and gave Kipling a chance to air his knowledge of
engines and machinery in general. You can read about it in 'The Devil
and the Deep Sea' This sword is in its sheath, you see,
'His sword was in its sheath,
His fingers held the pen,
When Kempenfelt went down
With twice four hundred men.'
"I've plenty of swords--here's the one that pierced the Master of
Ballantrae, when he and his brother fought together by candle-light.
This pretty little pair of scissors? They helped in the Rape of the
Lock. This stone-headed club is my oldest specimen--it belonged to
Ab--you know his story, no doubt? And the big axe was carried by the
Executioner when the Queen of Hearts went about shouting, 'Off with
their heads!'"
"That is a beautiful dagger," I remarked.
"Isn't it? It was brought by some Italian twins to a village in
Missouri, where it had an exciting history. Look at the finger prints
in blood on the handle. They betrayed a murderer, and he was denounced
in court by Pudd'nhead Wilson."
We had finished our circuit of the room, and it was time for me to
bid Mr. Gooch good-night. I started to thank him for showing me his
collection, but he interrupted.
"Oh, that's all right; but," he added, laying his hand on my shoulder
in a paternal fashion, "one last request: if you write it up for
the 'Transcript,' don't try to be funny! I do hate to have books,
and libraries, and literature treated flippantly. Now, I read your
column--oh! very often--"
"No!"
"Yes, I do," he persisted, "I _really_ do! After I have finished the
Genealogical Department, of course, and all those other fellows--The
Bee-Keeper, and The Bishop Afloat, and all the rest of 'em, I read The
Librarian _frequently_."
I blushed slightly.
"And I wish," continued my host, "that you would treat my collection
seriously."
"Mr. Gooch," I promised, "I will be as solemn as--as--oh, as your
brother's annual reports. I can say no more than that."
And we shook hands on it.
INDEX
A. L. A. Book List, 21.
Æneid, The, indigestible to a goat, 127.
Amanda (colored cook of librarian), 27.
Ancestor Worship, _see_ Genealogists.
Animals, library classification of, impossible, 170.
Authors, Young, hectic vanity of, 8.
Baxter Public Library, _see_ Ezra Beesly Free Public Library.
Bibliomaniacs (in Hell), 205.
Bilkins, Benj. S., heroic sacrifice of, 57.
Bird, Peculiar, observed by Mrs. Mayo, 65.
Bluffers, Literary, 202.
Books, One Hundred Best, 117 _et seq._
Boston Athenæum, Catalogue of, 64.
Boston Public Library, superior advantages of, 217.
Bunkum, Martha Matilda, 19.
Bureau of Education, _see_ Education, Bureau of.
Carnegie, Andrew, 227.
----, baffled again, 261.
Cat, Runcible, 177.
Children, Good, Parentage of, 48.
Children's Librarian, nefarious plot against a, 141.
Clam, Little Neck, how preferred, 116.
Colonel, Retired, favorite remark of, 43.
Congress, Library of, _see_ Library of Congress.
Crumpet, Mrs. Cornelia, 11.
----, Miss Hortense, 83.
Culture Clubs, _see_ Twenty Minute Culture Club.
Cut Worms, 270.
Darkness, Child of, 244.
Dufunnie, Prof. Samuel McK., 3.
Dying Maiden, _see_ Maiden, Dying.
Dyspepsia, Goat gets, 127.
Education, Bureau of, _see_ Bureau of Education.
Extra-illustrators, _see_ Snippers.
Ezra Beesly Free Public Library, 63, 109.
Falstaff, Sir John, as football center, 93.
Family Ghost, _see_ Ghost, Family.
Fassett, Prof. H. B., distressing adventures of, 110 _et seq._
Fat Woman, 211.
Feet, Pigs', not in public library, 85.
Flippancy of librarian, deplored, 300.
Fool Girls, punishment of, 187.
Football, Literary, 90.
Frugles, Prof. Milo P., 9.
----, exposed, 15.
Fuddy-dud, great work of Dr. Wurzberger on, 131.
Genealogists, 145, 196.
Ghost, Family, anæmic condition of, 50.
Gibbons, Cardinal, mistaken for historian, 135.
Goat, Wild, _see_ Wild Goat.
Good Children, _see_ Children, Good.
Grand Dames of Pequot War, 199, 214.
Gray Hairs, cause of, to librarians, _see_ Genealogists.
Gustafsen, Dr. Oscar, 6.
----, dryness of article by, 7.
Heroine, Learned, 46.
----, Modern, dissolute habits of, 47.
Highball, Scotch, as a life-saver, 36.
Historians, Scientific, 9, 158 _et seq._
Impossible Things, practice in believing, 282.
Indexes of gardening books, 25.
Interest Gauge, retail price of, 8.
Jasper, Dr. Nicholas, sufferings of, 149 _et seq._
"Jerusalem Delivered," weight of, 125-26.
Johnson, William DeGrift, cap belonging to, 232.
Kookle, Reginald (A.B., Cornell), 68.
Larkin, Miss Fritilla Lee, 13.
Learned Heroine, _see_ Heroine, Learned.
Library of Congress, _see_ Congress, Library of.
"Librarian at Play," price of, _see_ Any Book Dealer.
Librarian, _see also_ Children's Librarian.
Literary Bluffers, _see_ Bluffers, Literary.
Little Neck Clam, _see_ Clam, Little Neck.
Lobster Trap, how to sink a, 125-26.
Macbeth, unsuccessful golf match of, 97.
Maiden, Dying, 44.
Mayo, Mrs. Humphrey (_née_ Gookin), 65 _et seq._
Mike, love of, 33.
Misers, clinking habits of, 58.
Mongoose, story about a, 287.
Mysterious Man, 222.
Nature Books, child pretends fondness for, 14.
Nuisances, _see_ Genealogists.
"Old Librarian's Almanack," 63.
One Hundred Best Books, _see_ Books, One Hundred Best.
Oyster, Eldest, conservative temperament of, 279.
Patterson, Miss Pansy, 63.
Pests, _see_ Genealogists.
Pigs' Feet, _see_ Feet, Pigs'.
Ponsonby, Perks & Co. (publishers), 20.
Q, 23.
Reformed Spellers, _see_ Spellers, Reformed.
Retired Colonel, _see_ Colonel, Retired.
Runcible Cat, _see_ Cat, Runcible.
Russia, source of supply of villains, 55.
Scientific Historians, _see_ Historians, Scientific.
Scotch Highball, _see_ Highball, Scotch.
Simpleton, Village, 57.
Simplified Spellers, _see_ Spellers, Reformed.
Slithy Tove, _see_ Tove, Slithy.
Smith, Mrs. Pomfret, 76.
----, comes back, 80.
Snippers, post-mortem treatment of, 191.
Spellers, Reformed, eternal punishment of, 195.
Sunflowers, how deep to sow seeds of, 22 _et seq._
"Teacher," _see_ Children's Librarian.
Telephones, slowness of, when librarian is waiting in rain, 29.
Thorns in the Flesh, _see_ Genealogists.
Tove, Slithy, 176.
Twenty Minute Culture Club, 12.
Utilitarianism, 76.
Vanhoff, Amos, 64 _et seq._
Village Simpleton, _see_ Simpleton, Village.
Villains, degeneracy of, 52.
Who's Who in America, 63.
Wild Goat, _see_ Goat, Wild.
Wurzberger, Dr. Obadiah, soul-racking experience of, 131 _et seq._
Xenophon's Anabasis (perhaps in box), 119.
Young Crab, how to broil a, 123.
Zanesville, Ohio (birthplace of "excited person"), 227.
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE:
--Obvious print and punctuation errors were corrected.
End of Project Gutenberg's The Librarian at Play, by Edmund Lester Pearson