SHOWS HOW AGAMEMNON BECAME DISGUSTED WITH NUMBER ONE, AND THE AWFUL
CONSEQUENCES WHICH SUCCEEDED.
[Illustration: P]Poor old John's alarm was succeeded by astonishment, for
without speaking a word, Agamemnon bounced into his bed-chamber. He
thought the room the most miserable-looking room he had ever entered,
though the floor was covered with a thick Turkey carpet, a bright fire was
blazing in the grate, and everything about seemed fashioned for comfort.
He threw himself into an easy chair, and kicking off one of his pumps,
crossed his legs, and rested his elbow on the table. He looked at his
bed--it was a French one--a mountain of feathers, covered with a thick,
white Marseilles quilt, and festooned over with a drapery of rich crimson
damask.
"I'll have a four-post to-morrow," growled Collumpsion; "French beds are
mean-looking things, after all. Stuffwell has the fellow-chair to
this--one chair does look strange! I wonder it has never struck me before;
but it is surprising--what--strange ide--as a man--has"--and Collumpsion
fell asleep.
It was broad day when Collumpsion awoke; the fire had gone out, and his
feet were as cold as ice. He (as he is married there's no necessity for
concealment)--he swore two or three naughty oaths, and taking off his
clothes, hurried into bed in the hope of getting warm.
"How confoundedly cold I am--sitting in that chair all night,
too--ridiculous. If I had had a--I mean, if I hadn't been alone, that
wouldn't have happened; she would have waked me." _She_--what the deuce
made him use the feminine pronoun!
At two o'clock he rose and entered his breakfast-room. The table was laid
as usual--_one_ large cup and saucer, _one_ plate, _one_ egg-cup, _one_
knife, and _one_ fork! He did not know wherefore, but he felt to want the
number increased. John brought up a slice of broiled salmon and _one_ egg.
Collumpsion got into a passion, and ordered a second edition. The morning
was rainy, so Collumpsion remained at home, and employed himself by
kicking about the ottoman, and mentally multiplying all the single
articles in his establishment by two.
The dinner hour arrived, and there was the same singular provision for
one. He rang the bell, and ordered John to furnish the table for
_another_. John obeyed, though not without some strong misgiving of his
master's sanity, as the edibles consisted of a sole, a mutton chop, and a
partridge. When John left the room at his master's request, Collumpsion
rose and locked the door. Having placed a chair opposite, he resumed his
seat, and commenced a series of pantomimic gestures, which were strongly
confirmatory of John's suspicions. He seemed to be holding an inaudible
conversation with some invisible being, placing the choicest portion of
the sole in a plate, and seemingly desiring John to deliver it to the
unknown. As John was not there, he placed it before himself, and commenced
daintily and smilingly picking up very minute particles, as though he were
too much delighted to eat. He then bowed and smiled, and extending his
arm, appeared to fill the opposite glass, and having _actually_ performed
the same operation with his own, he bowed and smiled again, and sipped the
brilliant Xeres. He then rang the bell violently, and unlocking the door,
rushed rapidly back to his chair, as though he were fearful of committing
a rudeness by leaving it. The table being replenished, and John again
dismissed the room, the same pantomime commenced. The one mutton chop
seemed at first to present an obstacle to the proper conduct of the scene;
but gracefully uncovering the partridge, and as gracefully smiling towards
the invisible, he appeared strongly to recommend the bird in preference to
the beast. Dinner at length concluded, he rose, and apparently led his
phantom guest from the table, and then returning to his arm-chair, threw
himself into it, and, crossing his hands upon his breast, commenced a
careful examination of the cinders and himself. His rumination ended in a
doze, and his doze in a dream, in which he fancied himself a Brobdignag
Java sparrow during the moulting season. His cage was surrounded by
beautiful and blooming girls, who seemed to pity his condition, and vie
with each other in proposing the means of rendering him more comfortable.
Some spoke of elastic cotton shirts, linsey-wolsey jackets, and silk
nightcaps; others of merino hose, silk feet and cotton tops, shirt-buttons
and warming-pans; whilst Mrs. Greatgirdle and Mrs. Waddledot sang an echo
duet of "What a pity the bird is alone."
"A change came o'er the spirit of his dream."
He thought that the moulting season was over, and that he was rejoicing in
the fulness of a sleeky plumage, and by his side was a Java sparrowess,
chirping and hopping about, rendering the cage as populous to him as
though he were the tenant of a bird-fancier's shop. Then--he awoke just as
Old John was finishing a glass of Madeira, preparatory to arousing
Collumpsion, for the purpose of delivering to him a scented note, which
had just been left by the footman of Mrs. Waddledot.
It was lucky for John that A.C.A. had been blessed with pleasant dreams,
or his attachment to Madeira might have occasioned his discharge from No.
24, Pleasant-terrace.
The note was an invitation to Mrs. Waddledot's opera-box for that evening.
The performance was to be Rossini's "La Cenerentola," and as Collumpsion
recollected the subject of the opera, his heart fluttered in his bosom. A
prince marrying a cinder-sifter for love! What must the happy state be--or
rather what must it not be--to provoke such a condescension!
Collumpsion never appeared to such advantage as he did that evening; he
was dressed to a miracle of perfection--his spirits were so elastic that
they must have carried him out of the box into "Fop's-alley," had not Mrs.
Waddledot cleverly surrounded him by the detachment from the corps of
eighteen daughters, which had (on that night) been placed under her
command.
Collumpsion's state of mind did not escape the notice of the fair
campaigners, and the most favourable deductions were drawn from it in
relation to the charitable combination which they had formed for his
ultimate good, and all seemed determined to afford him every encouragement
in their power. Every witticism that he uttered elicited countless
smiles--every criticism that he delivered was universally applauded--in
short, Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite was voted the most delightful beau
in the universe, and Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite gave himself a
plumper to the same opinion.
On the 31st of the following month, a string of carriages surrounded St.
George's Church, Hanover-square, and precisely at a quarter to twelve,
A.M., Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite placed a plain gold ring on the
finger of Miss Juliana Theresa Waddledot, being a necessary preliminary to
the introduction of our hero, the "Heir of Applebite."
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