the parish priest do have his remedy at law in any of his majesty's
courts, in the same manner as now practised by the clergy of the
Established Church; together with all other ecclesiastical dues. And,
for their further discovery to vex their people at law, it might not be
amiss to oblige the solicitor-general, or some other able king's
counsel, to give his advice, or assistance to such priests gratis, for
which he might receive a salary out of the Barrack Fund, Military
Contingencies, or Concordatum; having observed the exceedings there
better paid than of the army, or any other branch of the establishment;
and I would have no delay in payment in a matter of this importance.
VI. That the archbishops and bishops have power to visit the inferior
clergy, and to extort proxies, exhibits, and all other perquisites usual
in Popish and Protestant countries.
VII. That the convocation having been found, by long experience, to be
hurtful to true religion, be for ever hereafter abolished among
Protestants.
VIII. That, in the room thereof, the Popish archbishops, bishops,
priests, deans, arch-deacons, and proctors, have liberty to assemble
themselves in convocation, and be impowered to make such canons as they
shall think proper for the government of the Papists in Ireland:
IX. And that, the secular arm being necessary to enforce obedience to
ecclesiastical censure, the sheriffs, constables, and other officers, be
commanded to execute the decrees and sentences of the said popish
convocation, with secrecy and dispatch, or, in lieu thereof, they may be
at liberty to erect an inquisition, with proper officers of their own.
X. That, as Papists declare themselves converts to the Established
Church, all spiritual power over them shall cease.
XI. That as soon as any whole parish shall renounce the Popish religion,
the priest of such parish shall, for his good services, have a pension
of £200 per ann. settled on him for life, and that he be from such time
exempt from preaching and praying, and other duties of his function, in
like manner as protestant divines, with equal incomes, are at present.
XII. That each bishop, so soon as his diocese shall become protestants,
be called, My Lord, and have a pension of two thousand pounds per annum
during life.
XIII. That when a whole province shall be reclaimed, the archbishop
shall be called His Grace, and have a pension of three thousand pounds
per ann. during life, and be admitted a member of his majesty's most
honourable privy council.
The good consequences of this scheme, (which will execute itself without
murmurings against the government) are very visible: I shall mention a
few of the most obvious.
I. The giving the priest a right to the tithe would produce law-suits
and wrangles; his reverence, being entituled to a certain income at all
events, would consider himself as a legal incumbent, and behave
accordingly, and apply himself more to fleecing than feeding his flock;
his necessary attendance on the courts of justice would leave his people
without a spiritual guide; by which means protestant curates, who have
no suits about tithes, would be furnished with proper opportunities for
making converts, which is very much wanted.
II. The erecting a spiritual jurisdiction amongst them would, in all
probability, drive as many out of that communion, as a due execution of
such jurisdiction hath hitherto drove from amongst ourselves.
III. An inquisition would still be a further improvement, and most
certainly would expedite the conversion of Papists.
I know it may be objected to this scheme, and with some shew of reason,
that, should the Popish princes abroad pursue the same methods, with
regard to their protestant subjects, the Protestant interest in Europe
would thereby be considerably weakened: but as we have no reason to
suspect Popish counsels will ever produce so much moderation, I think
the objection ought to have but little weight.
A due execution of this scheme will soon produce many converts from
Popery; nevertheless, to the end may it be known, when they shall be of
the true Church, I have ordered a large parcel of ecclesiastical or
Church thermometers to be made, one of which is to be hung up in each
parish church, the description and use of which take as follows, in the
words of the ingenious Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq.
The[1] Church thermometer, which I am now to treat of, is supposed have
been invented in the reign of Henry the Eighth, about the time when that
religious prince put some to death for owning the Pope's supremacy, and
others for denying transubstantiation. I do not find, however, any great
use made of this instrument till it fell into the hand of a learned and
vigilant priest or minister, (for he frequently wrote himself both the
one and the other) who was some time Vicar of Bray. This gentleman lived
in his vicarage to a good old age; and after having seen several
successions of his neighbouring clergy either burnt or banished,
departed this life with the satisfaction of having never deserted his
flock, and died Vicar of Bray. As this glass was first designed to
calculate the different degrees of heat in religion, as it raged in
Popery, or as it cooled, and grew temperate in the Reformation, it was
marked at several distances, after the manner our ordinary thermometer
is to this day, viz. extreme hot sultry hot, very hot, hot, warm,
temperate, cold, just freezing, frost, hard frost, great frost, extreme
cold.
[Footnote 1: In the "Tatler" this paragraph is preceded by the
following: "_From my own apartment, Sept. 4._--Having received many
letters filled with compliments and acknowledgments for my late useful
discovery of the political barometer, I shall here communicate to the
publican account of my ecclesiastical thermometer, the latter giving as
manifest prognostications of the changes and revolutions in Church, as
the former does of those in State, and both of them being absolutely
necessary for every prudent subject who is resolved to keep what he has,
and get what he can." [T.S.]]
It is well known, that Torricellius,[2] the inventor of the common
weather-glass, made the experiment of a long tube which held thirty-two
foot of water; and that a more modern virtuoso finding such a machine
altogether unwieldly and useless, and considering that thirty-two inches
of quicksilver weighed as much as so many foot of water in a tube of the
same circumference, invented that sizeable instrument which is now in
use. After this manner, that I might adapt the thermometer I am now
speaking of to the present constitution of our Church, as divided into
High and Low, I have made some necessary variations both in the tube and
the fluid it contains. In the first place I ordered a tube to be cast in
a planetary hour, and took care to seal it hermetically, when the sun
was in conjunction with Saturn. I then took the proper precautions about
the fluid, which is a compound of two different liquors; one of them a
spirit drawn out of a strong heady wine; the other a particular sort of
rock-water, colder than ice, and clearer than crystal. The spirit is of
a red, fiery colour, and so very apt to ferment, that, unless it be
mingled with a proportion of the water, or pent up very close, it will
burst the vessel that holds it, and fly up in a fume and smoke. The
water, on the contrary, is of such a subtile, piercing cold, that,
unless it be mingled with a proportion of the spirits, it will sink
almost through every thing it is put into, and seems to be of the same
nature as the water mentioned by Quintus Curtius, which says the
historian, could be contained in nothing but in the hoof, or (as the
Oxford Manuscript has it) the skull of an ass. The thermometer is marked
according to the following figure, which I set down at length, not only
to give my reader a clear idea of it, but also to fill up my paper.
[Footnote 2: Evangelista Torricelli (1608-1647) was assistant to
Galileo, and is famous as the discoverer of the phenomena on which he
made the barometer. In 1644 he published "Opera Geometrica." [T.S.]]
Ignorance.
Persecution.
Wrath.
Zeal.
CHURCH.
Moderation.
Lukewarmness.
Infidelity.
Ignorance.
The reader will observe, that the Church is placed in the middle point
of the glass between Zeal and Moderation, the situation in which she
always flourishes, and in which every good Englishman wishes her, who is
a friend to the constitution of his country. However, when it mounts to
Zeal, it is not amiss; and, when it sinks to Moderation, it is still in
admirable temper. The worst of it is, that when once it begins to rise,
it has still an inclination to ascend, insomuch that it is apt to climb
from Zeal to Wrath, and from Wrath to Persecution, which often ends in
Ignorance, and very often proceeds from it. In the same manner it
frequently takes its progress through the lower half of the glass; and,
when it has a tendency to fall, will gradually descend from Moderation
to Lukewarmness, and from Lukewarmness to Infidelity, which very often
terminates in Ignorance, and always proceeds from it.
It is a common observation, that the ordinary thermometer will be
affected by the breathing of people who are in the room where it stands,
and indeed it is almost incredible to conceive how the glass I am now
describing, will fall by the breath of the multitude crying Popery; or,
on the contrary, how it will rise when the same multitude (as it
sometimes happens) cry out in the same breath, _The Church is in
Danger_.
As soon as I have finished this my glass, and adjusted it to the
above-mentioned scale of religion, that I might make proper experiments
with it, I carried it under my cloak to several coffee-houses, and other
places of resort, about this great city. At Saint James's Coffee-house
the liquor stood at Moderation; but at Will's, to my extreme surprise,
it subsided to the very lowest mark of the glass. At the Grecian it
mounted but just one point higher; at the Rainbow it still ascended two
degrees; Child's fetched it up to Zeal, and other adjacent coffee-houses
to Wrath.
It fell in the lower half of the glass as I went further into the City,
till at length it settled at Moderation, where it continued all the time
I stayed about the Change, as also whilst I passed by the Bank. And here
I cannot but take notice, that, through the whole course of my remarks,
I never observed my glass to rise at the same time that the stocks did.
To complete the experiment, I prevailed upon a friend of mine, who works
under me in the occult sciences, to make a progress with my glass
through the whole Island of Great Britain; and, after his return, to
present me with a register of his observations. I guessed beforehand at
the temper of several places he passed through, by the characters they
have had time out of mind. Thus that facetious divine, Dr. Fuller,[3]
speaking of the town of Banbury near a hundred years ago, tells us, it
was a place famous for cakes and zeal, which I find by my glass is true
to this day, as to the latter part of his description; though I must
confess, it is not in the same reputation for cakes that it was in the
time of that learned author; and thus of other places. In short, I have
now by me, digested in an alphabetical order, all the counties,
corporations, and boroughs in Great Britain, with their respective
tempers, as they stand related to my thermometer. But this I shall keep
to myself, because I would by no means do any thing that may seem to
influence any ensuing election.
[Footnote 3: Thomas Fuller, D.D. (1608-1661) was the author of "History
of the Worthies of England," "History of the Holy War," and many other
works distinguished for their humour and style. [T.S.]]
The point of doctrine which I would propagate by this my invention, is
the same which was long ago advanced by that able teacher Horace, out of
whom I have taken my text for this discourse: We should be careful not
to over-shoot ourselves in the pursuits even of virtue. Whether zeal or
moderation be the point we aim at, let us keep fire out of the one, and
frost out of the other. But, alas! the world is too wise to want such a
precaution. The terms High-Church and Low-Church, as commonly used, do
not so much denote a principle, as they distinguish a party. They are
like words of battle, they have nothing to do with their original
signification, but are only given out to keep a body of men together,
and to let them know friends from enemies.
I must confess I have considered, with some attention, the influence
which the opinions of these great national sects have upon their
practice; and do look upon it as one of the unaccountable things of our
times, that multitudes of honest gentlemen, who entirely agree in their
lives, should take it in their heads to differ in their religion.[4]
[Footnote 4: Here the "Tatler" paper ends. [T.S.]]
I shall conclude this paper with an account of a conference which
happened between a very excellent divine (whose doctrine was easy, and
formerly much respected) and a lawyer.
* * * * *
And behold a certain lawyer stood up, and tempted him, saying, Master,
what shall I do to inherit eternal life?
He said unto him, What is written in the law? How readest thou?
And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy
heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all
thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.
And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right; this do, and thou shalt
live.
But he, willing to justify himself, said unto Jesus, And who is my
neighbour?
And Jesus answering, said; A certain man went down from Jerusalem to
Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and
wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.
And by chance there came down a certain priest that way; and, when he
saw him, he passed by on the other side.
And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him,
and passed by on the other side.
But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was; and, when
he saw him, he had compassion on him.
And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine; and
set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of
him.
And on the morrow, when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave
them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him, and whatsoever
thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.
Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that
fell among the thieves?
And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go,
and do thou likewise. Luke x. 25 to 38.
* * * * *
_Advertisement._
There is now in the press a proposal for raising a fund towards paying
the National Debt by the following means: The author would have
commissioners appointed to search all the public and private libraries,
booksellers shops and warehouses, in this kingdom, for such books as are
of no use to the owner, or to the public, viz. all comments on the Holy
Scriptures, whether called sermons, creeds, bodies of divinity, tomes of
casuistry, vindications, confutations, essays, answers, replies,
rejoinders, or sur-rejoinders, together with all other learned treatises
and books of divinity, of what denomination or class soever; as also all
comments on the laws of the land, such as reports, law-cases, decrees,
guides for attorneys and young clerks, and, in fine, all the books now
in being in this kingdom (whether of divinity, law, physic, metaphysics,
logics or politics) except the pure text of the Holy Scriptures, the
naked text of the laws, a few books of morality, poetry, music,
architecture, agriculture, mathematics, merchandise and history; the
author would have the aforesaid useless books carried to the several
paper-mills, there to be wrought into white paper, which, to prevent
damage or complaints, he would have performed by the commentators,
critics, popular preachers, apothecaries, learned lawyers, attorneys,
solicitors, logicians, physicians, almanac-makers, and others of the
like wrong turn of mind; the said paper to be sold, and the produce
applied to discharge the National Debt; what should remain of the said
debt unsatisfied, might be paid by a tax on the salaries or estates of
bankers, common cheats, usurers, treasurers, embezzelers of public
money, general officers, sharpers, pensioners, pick-pockets, &c.
APPENDIX III.
SWIFT AND SERJEANT BETTESWORTH.
The _rencontre_ with Serjeant Bettesworth, to which reference has
already been made in the note prefixed to "The Presbyterians' Plea of
Merit," is further illustrated by the Resolution which the inhabitants
of the Liberty of St. Patrick's passed, and which they presented to the
Dean. Bettesworth, as a note in the thirteenth volume of Swift's works
(1762) states, "engaged his footman and two ruffians to attend him, in
order to secure the dean wherever they met him, until he had gratified
his resentment either by maiming or stabbing him." Accordingly, he went
directly to the deanery, and hearing the Dean was at a friend's house
(Rev. Mr. John Worrall's in Big Ship Street), followed him thither,
charged him with writing the said verses, but had not courage enough to
put his bloody design in execution. However, as he had the assurance to
relate this affair to several noblemen and gentlemen, the inhabitants of
the Liberty of St. Patrick's waited upon the Dean, and presented the
following paper, signed by above thirty of them, in the name of
themselves, and the rest of their neighbourhood:
"We the inhabitants of the Liberty of the Dean and Chapter of St
Patrick's Dublin, and the neighbourhood of the same, having been
informed, by universal report, that a certain man of this city hath
openly threatened, and sworn before many hundred people, as well persons
of quality as others, that he resolves upon the first opportunity, by
the help of several ruffians, to murder or maim the Reverend the Dean of
St. Patrick, our neighbour, benefactor, and the head of the Liberty of
St Patrick, upon a frivolous unproved suspicion of the said Dean's
having written some lines in verse reflecting on the said man.
"Therefore, we, the said inhabitants of the said Liberty, and in the
neighbourhood thereof, from our great love and respect to the said Dean,
to whom the whole kingdom hath so many obligations, as well as we of the
Liberty, do unanimously declare, that we will endeavour to defend the
life and limbs of the said Dean against the said man, and all his
ruffians and murderers, as far as the law will allow, if he or any of
them presume to come into the said Liberty with any wicked malicious
intent against the house, or family, or person, or goods of the said
Dean. To which we have cheerfully, sincerely, and heartily set our
hands."
Swift, at the time of receiving this Resolution lay very ill in bed, and
was unable to receive the deputation in person. He, however, dictated
the following reply:
"GENTLEMEN,
"I receive, with great thankfulness, these many kind expressions of your
concern for my safety, as well as your declared resolution to defend me
(as far as the laws of God and man will allow) against all murderers and
ruffians, who shall attempt to enter into the liberty with any bloody or
wicked designs upon my life, my limbs, my house, or my goods. Gentlemen,
my life is in the hand of God, and whether it may be cut off by
treachery or open violence, or by the common way of other men; as long
as it continueth, I shall ever bear a grateful memory for this favour
you have shewn, beyond my expectation, and almost exceeding my wishes.
"The inhabitants of the liberty, as well as those of the neighbourhood,
have lived with me in great amity for near twenty years; which I am
confident will never diminish during my life. I am chiefly sorry, that
by two cruel disorders of deafness and giddiness, which have pursued me
for four months, I am not in condition either to hear, or to receive
you, much less to return my most sincere acknowledgements, which in
justice and gratitude I ought to do. May God bless you and your families
in this world, and make you for ever happy in the next."
The poem itself to which Bettesworth took exception is herewith
reprinted, as well as three others occasioned by the Bettesworth action.
ON THE WORDS
BROTHER PROTESTANTS AND FELLOW CHRISTIANS,
SO FAMILIARLY USED BY THE ADVOCATES FOR THE REPEAL OF THE TEST-ACT IN
IRELAND. 1733.
"An inundation, says the fable,
Overflow'd a farmer's barn and stable;
Whole ricks of hay and sacks of corn
Were down the sudden current borne;
While things of heterogeneous kind
Together float with tide and wind.
The generous wheat forgot its pride,
And sail'd with litter side by side;
Uniting all, to shew their amity,
As in a general calamity.
A ball of new-dropp'd horse's dung,
Mingling with apples in the throng,
Said to the pippin plump and prim,
'See brother, how we apples swim.'
Thus Lamb, renown'd for cutting corns,
An offer'd fee from Radcliff scorns,
'Not for the world--we doctors, brother,
Must take no fees of one another.'
Thus to a dean some curate sloven
Subscribes, 'Dear sir, your brother loving.'
Thus all the footmen, shoeboys, porters,
About St James's cry, 'We courtiers.'
Thus Horace in the house will prate,
'Sir, we, the ministers of state.'
Thus at the bar the booby Bettesworth,
Though half a crown o'erpays his sweat's worth;
Who knows in law nor text nor margent,
Calls Singleton[1] his brother sergeant.[2]
And thus fanatic saints, though neither in
Doctrine nor discipline our brethren,
Are brother Protestants and Christians,
As much as Hebrews and Philistines:
But in no other sense, than nature
Has made a rat our fellow-creature.
Lice from your body suck their food;
But is a louse your flesh and blood?
Though born of human filth and sweat, it
As well may say man did beget it.
And maggots in your nose and chin
As well may claim you for their kin.
Yet critics may object, why not?
Since lice are brethren to a Scot:
Which made our swarm of sects determine
Employments for their brother vermin.
But be they English, Irish, Scottish,
What Protestant can be so sottish,
While o'er the church these clouds are gathering,
To call a swarm of lice his brethren?
"As Moses, by divine advice,
In Egypt turn'd the dust to lice;
And as our sects, by all descriptions,
Have hearts more harden'd than Egyptians;
As from the trodden dust they spring,
And, turn'd to lice, infest the king:
For pity's sake, it would be just,
A rod should turn them back to dust.
Let folks in high or holy stations
Be proud of owning such relations;
Let courtiers hug them in their bosom,
As if they were afraid to lose 'em:
While I, with humble Job, had rather
Say to corruption--'Thou 'rt my father.'
For he that has so little wit
To nourish vermin, may be bit."
[Footnote 1: Henry Singleton, Esq., then prime sergeant, afterwards
lord-chief-justice of the common pleas, which he resigned, and was some
time after made master of the rolls. [F.]]
[Footnote 2: These lines occasioned the personal attack upon the Dean.
[T.S.]]
AN EPIGRAM.[1]
INSCRIBED TO THE HONOURABLE SERGEANT KITE.
"In your indignation what mercy appears.
While Jonathan's threaten'd with loss of his ears;
For who would not think it a much better choice,
By your knife to be mangled than rack'd with your voice.
If truly you [would] be revenged on the parson,
Command his attendance while you act your farce on;
Instead of your maiming, your shooting, or banging,
Bid _Povey_[2] secure him while you are haranguing.
Had this been your method to torture him, long since,
He had cut his own ears to be deaf to your nonsense."
[Footnote 1: Now first published from a copy in the Dean's handwriting;
in possession of J. Connill, Esq. [S.]]
[Footnote 2: Povey was sergeant-at-arms to the House of Commons.]
"THE YAHOO'S OVERTHROW; OR, THE KEVAN
BAYL'S NEW BALLAD."[3]
UPON SERGEANT KITE'S INSULTING THE DEAN.
_To the Tune of "Derry Down."_
"Jolley boys of St Kevan's,[4] St Patrick's, Donore,
And Smithfield, I'll tell you, if not told before,
How Bettesworth, that booby, and scoundrel in grain,
Has insulted us all by insulting the Dean.
Knock him down, down, down, knock him down.