I have been reading over the record I have written of my life, which
has been made with care and a strict adherence to the truth. I am at
the present hour sitting alone in the house I have taken and
furnished, and to which I hope shortly to bring my beloved Lauretta as
my wife. The writing of this record from time to time has grown into a
kind of habit with me, and there are occasions in which I have been
greatly interested in it myself. Never until this night have I read
the record from beginning to end, and I have come to a resolution to
discontinue it. My reason is a sufficient one, and as it concerns no
man else, no man can dispute my right to make it.
My resolution is, after to-morrow, to allow my new life, soon to
commence, to flow on uninterruptedly without burdening myself with the
labour of putting into writing the happy experiences awaiting me. I
shall be no longer alone; Lauretta will be by my side; I should
begrudge the hours which deprived me of her society.
Another thing. I must have no secrets from her; and much that here is
recorded should properly be read by no eye than mine. Lauretta's
nature is so gentle, her soul so pure, that it would distress her to
read these pages. This shall not be. I recognise a certain morbid vein
in myself which the continuing of this record might magnify into a
disease. It presents itself to me in the light of guarding myself
against myself, by adopting wise measures to foster cheerfulness. That
my nature is more melancholy than cheerful is doubtless to be ascribed
to the circumstances of my child-life, which was entirely devoid of
light and gaiety. This must not be in the future; I have a battle to
fight, and I shall conquer because Lauretta's happiness is on the
issue.
It will, however, be as well to make the record complete in a certain
sense, and I shall therefore take note of certain things which have
occurred since my conversation with Pierre in his cell. That done, I
shall put these papers aside in a secret place, and shall endeavour to
forget them. My first thought was to destroy the record, but I was
influenced in the contrary direction by the fact that my first meeting
with Lauretta and the growth of my love for her are described in it.
First impressions jotted down at the time of their occurrence have a
freshness about them which can never be imparted by the aid of memory,
and it may afford me pleasure in the future to live over again,
through these pages, the sweet days of my early intimacy with my
beloved girl. Then there is the strange story of Kristel and Silvain,
which undoubtedly is worth preserving.
First, to get rid of the miserable affair of the attempt to rob Doctor
Louis's house. Pierre was tried and convicted, and has paid the
penalty of his crime. His belief in the possession of a soul could
not, after all, have had in it the spirit of sincerity; it must have
been vaunted merely in pursuance of his cunning endeavours to escape
his just punishment; otherwise he would have confessed before he died.
Father Daniel, the good priest, did all he could to bring the man to
repentance, but to the last he insisted that he was innocent. It was
strange to me to hear Father Daniel express himself sympathetically
towards the criminal.
"He laboured, up to the supreme moment," said the good priest, in a
compassionate tone, "under the singular hallucination that he was
going before his Maker guiltless of the shedding of blood. So fervent
and apparently sincere were his protestations that I could not help
being shaken in my belief that he was guilty."
"Then you believe in demons?" I remarked, amazed at this weakness.
"Not in the sense," said Father Daniel, "that the unhappy man would
have had me believe. Reason rejects his story as something altogether
too incredulous; and yet I pity him."
I did not prolong the discussion with the good priest; it would have
been useless, and, to Father Daniel, painful. We looked at the matter
from widely different standpoints. Intolerance warps the judgment; no
less does such a life as Father Daniel has lived, for ever seeking to
find excuses for error and crime, for ever seeking to palliate a man's
misdeeds. Sweetness of disposition, carried to extremes, may
degenerate into positive mental feebleness; to my mind this is the
case with Father Daniel. He is not the kind who, in serious matters,
can be depended upon for a just estimate of human affairs.
Eric and Emilius, after a longer delay than Doctor Louis anticipated,
have taken up their residence in Nerac. They paid two short visits to
the village, and I was in hopes each time upon their departure that
they had relinquished their intention of living in Nerac. I did not
give expression to my wish, for I knew it was not shared by any member
of Doctor Louis's family.
It is useless to disguise that I dislike them, and that there exists
between us a certain antipathy. To be just, this appears to be more on
my side than on theirs, and it is not in my disfavour that the
feelings I entertain are nearer the surface. Doctor Louis and the
ladies entertain a high opinion of them; I do not; and I have already
some reason for looking upon them with a suspicious eye. This reason I
will presently explain.
When we were first introduced it was natural that I should regard them
with interest, an interest which sprang from the story of their
father's fateful life. They bear a wonderful resemblance to each other
they are both fair, with tawny beards, which it appears to me they
take a pride in shaping and trimming alike; their eyes are blue, and
they are of exactly the same height. Undoubtedly handsome men, having
in that respect the advantage of me, who, in point of attractive
looks, cannot compare with them. They seem to be devotedly attached to
each other, but this may or may not be. So were Silvain and Kristel
until a woman stepped between them and changed their love to hate.
Before I came into personal relationship with Eric and Emilius I made
up my mind to distrust appearances and to seek for evidence upon which
to form an independent judgment. Some such evidence has already come
to me, and I shall secretly follow it up.
They are on terms of the most affectionate intimacy with Doctor Louis
and his family, and both Lauretta and Lauretta's mother take pleasure
in their society; Doctor Louis, also, in a lesser degree. Women are
always more effusive than men.
They are not aware of the relations which bind me to the village. That
they may have some suspicion of my feelings for Lauretta is more than
probable, for I have seen them look from her to me and then at each
other, and I have interpreted these looks. It is as if they said, "Why
is this stranger here? He is usurping our place." I have begged Doctor
Louis to allow me to speak openly to Lauretta, and he has consented to
shorten the period of silence to which I was pledged. I have his
permission to declare my love to his daughter to-morrow. There are no
doubts in my mind that she will accept me; but there _are_ doubts that
if I left it too late there would be danger that her love for me would
be weakened. Yes, although it is torture to me to admit it I cannot
rid myself of this impression. How would this be effected and by whom?
By these brothers, Eric and Emilius, and by means of misrepresentations
to my injury. I have no positive data to go upon, but I am convinced
that they have an aversion towards me, and that they are in their hearts
jealous of me. The doctor is blind to their true character; he believes
them to be generous and noble-minded, men of rectitude and high
principle. They are not so. I have the evidence of my senses in proof
of it.
So much have I been disturbed and unhinged by my feelings towards
these brothers--feelings which I have but imperfectly expressed--that
latterly I have frequently been unable to sleep. Impossible to lie
abed and toss about for hours in an agony of unrest; therefore I chose
the lesser evil, and resumed the nocturnal wanderings which was my
habit in Rosemullion before the death of my parents. These nightly
rambles have been taken in secret, as in the days of my boyhood, and I
mused and spoke aloud as was my custom during that period of my life.
But I had new objects to occupy me now--the home in which I hoped to
enjoy a heaven of happiness, with Lauretta its guiding star, and all
the bright anticipations of the future. I strove to confine myself to
these dreams, which filled my soul with joy, but there came to me
always the figures of Eric and Emilius, dark shadows to threaten my
promised happiness.
Last week it was, on a night in which I felt that sleep would not be
mine if I sought my couch; therefore, earlier than usual--it was
barely eleven o'clock--I left the house, and went into the woods.
Martin Hartog and his fair daughter were in the habit of retiring
early and rising with the sun, and I stole quietly away unobserved. At
twelve o'clock I turned homewards, and when I was about a hundred
yards from my house I was surprised to hear a low murmur of voices
within a short distance of me. Since the night on which I visited the
Three Black Crows and saw the two strangers there who had come to
Nerac with evil intent, I had become very watchful, and now these
voices speaking at such an untimely hour thoroughly aroused me. I
stepped quietly in their direction, so quietly that I knew I could not
be heard, and presently I saw standing at a distance of ten or twelve
yards the figures of a man and a woman. The man was Emilius, the woman
Martin Hartog's daughter.
Although I had heard their voices before I reached the spot upon which
I stood when I recognised their forms, I could not even now determine
what they said, they spoke in such low tones. So I stood still and
watched them and kept myself from their sight. I may say honestly that
I should not have been guilty of the meanness had it not been that I
entertain an unconquerable aversion against Eric and Emilius. I was
sorry to see Martin Hartog's daughter holding a secret interview with
a man at midnight, for the girl had inspired me with a respect of
which I now knew she was unworthy; but I cannot aver that I was sorry
to see Emilius in such a position, for it was an index to his
character and a justification of the unfavourable opinion I had formed
of him and Eric. Alike as they were in physical presentment, I had no
doubt that their moral natures bore the same kind of resemblance.
Libertines both of them, ready for any low intrigue, and holding in
light regard a woman's good name and fame. Truly the picture before me
showed clearly the stuff of which these brothers are made. If they
hold one woman's good name so lightly, they hold all women so. Fit
associates, indeed, for a family so pure and stainless as Doctor
Louis's!
This was no chance meeting--how was that possible at such an hour? It
was premeditated. Theirs was no new acquaintanceship; it must have
lasted already some time. The very secrecy of the interview was in
itself a condemnation.
Should I make Doctor Louis acquainted with the true character of the
brothers who held so high a place in his esteem? This was the question
that occurred to me as I gazed upon Emilius and Martin Hartog's
daughter, and I soon answered it in the negative. Doctor Louis was a
man of settled convictions, hard to convince, hard to turn. His first
impulse, upon which he would act, would be to go straight to Emilius,
and enlighten him upon the discovery I had made. And then? Why, then,
Emilius would invent some tale which it would not be hard to believe,
and make light of a matter I deemed so serious. I should be placed in
the position of an eavesdropper, as a man setting sly watches upon
others to whom, from causeless grounds, I had taken a dislike. I
should be at a disadvantage. Whatever the result one thing was
certain--that I was a person capable not only of unreasonable
antipathies but of small meannesses to which a gentleman would not
descend. The love which Doctor Louis bore to Silvain, and which he had
transferred to Silvain's children, was not to be easily turned; and at
the best I should be introducing doubts into his mind which would
reflect upon myself because of the part of spy I had played. No; I
decided for the present at least, to keep the knowledge to myself.
As to Martin Hartog, though I could not help feeling pity for him, it
was for him, not me, to look after his daughter. From a general point
of view these affairs were common enough.
I seemed to see now in a clearer light the kind of man Silvain
was--one who would set himself deliberately to deceive where most he
was trusted. Honour, fair dealing, brotherly love, were as nought in
his eyes where a woman was concerned, and he had transmitted these
qualities to Eric and Emilius. My sympathy for Kristel was deepened by
what I was gazing on; more than ever was I convinced of the justice of
the revenge he took upon the brother who had betrayed him.
These were the thoughts which passed through my mind while Emilius and
Martin Hartog's daughter stood conversing. Presently they strolled
towards me, and I shrank back in fear of being discovered. This
involuntary action on my part, being an accentuation of the meanness
of which I was guilty, confirmed me in the resolution at which I had
arrived to say nothing of my discovery to Doctor Louis.
They passed me in silence, walking in the direction of my house. I did
not follow them, and did not return home for another hour.