"IT HAS GONE VERY DEEP"
When you depart from me, sorrow abides and happiness
takes his leave.
--SHAKESPEARE.
Fulfil the perfection of long-suffering--be thou
patient.
--Teaching of Buddha.
All his life long Malcolm never spoke of the hours that followed that
fateful interview down by the Pool, when he was as one who had just
received his baptism of fire--when he was scorched through and through
with that new and terrible agony.
"He will take it hardly," Dinah had said to herself. "His nature is
intense, and he will suffer more than most men;" and she was right.
Malcolm did suffer cruelly.
He had spoken his parting words to Elizabeth with outward calmness,
though his lips were blanched and his features drawn with pain; for he
was a gentleman, and noblesse oblige, and why should he make her suffer
when she had done him no wrong? "I am not the only man who has been
denied his heart's desire," he had said to her in a dull, lifeless
voice, and in this he was certainly right. All are not winners in the
race; many fail to attain their goal, and retire baffled and
disheartened from the contest; but few suffer as Malcolm Herrick did,
and though he did not curse the day he was born, as Job did, the whole
plan and purpose of his life seemed frustrated and the future a
hopeless blank.
And the fault was his own! Even in his most despairing moments he never
ceased to tell himself that she had never encouraged him--never held
out her woman's sceptre for him to touch; and even when she had been
most sweet and winsome, she had not abridged the distance between them,
nor, in her noble sincerity and friendship, attempted to draw him
closer.
No, it was he who had been a blind fool, and he must pay the penalty of
his madness. The gates of his earthly paradise had closed behind him
for ever. He could hear them clanging in the distance; and the golden
bells of his city of dreams were chiming "Nevermore--oh, nevermore!"
"His City of dreams--what a good name!" thought he; and through the
long summer days he had dwelt there like a king. And now the gates had
closed, and the golden pinnacles were no longer visible, and the breath
of the roses and the fragrance of the spices of Araby the blessed would
no longer steep his senses in sweetness. Nevermore--oh, nevermore would
those blissful dreams be his!
Malcolm never quite recollected what he did with himself that evening.
The idea of going back to the Crow's Nest in his present state of mind
was simply intolerable. How could he have joined in the simple meal and
listened to Goliath's talk!
No, it would be better to have a good long walk and look things in the
face, and if he tired himself so much the better. But Malcolm never
retained any clear recollection of that walk. He had a vague idea that
he passed Earlsfield station, and presently he found himself on the
open moor, where he had driven with Elizabeth the day when she had so
naively confessed her ignorance to him. "I am rather a desultory sort
of person," she had said to him, and he had offered to make out a list
of books for her to read.
He had done so, and she had thanked him very sweetly, and had sent for
some of the books, but he had never seen her read them. Perhaps
Carlyon--and at this thought he ground his teeth hard--perhaps Carlyon
had discouraged her. Horticulture seemed his chief hobby, and he was
always talking to her about a new fern-house they were making at the
Wood House, and Malcolm's poor books were neglected.
He flung himself down on the heather. He would battle it out with
himself, he thought, and when he was in a quieter frame of mind he
would go home. Home, pooh! he would never have a home now!
It was a glorious evening. A fresh, soft breeze had risen and blew
refreshingly in his face, but he never heeded it, for in some moods we
take the gifts and graces of Nature as a matter of course, and yield
her no thanks or acknowledgment for her gentle benison. Even the
glowing crimson tints of the sunset clouds could not move him to
admiration. A line of Browning came involuntarily to his mind:
I will not soil thy purple with my dust;
but he was thinking of Elizabeth and not of the sunset.
"I must battle it out with myself," he repeated. But hours passed, and
the moon had risen, and he still lay there, plucking up the heather and
flinging it aside in a stupefaction of misery. It was only when the
September darkness stole over the moor that he recollected himself and
stumbled to his feet.
He was almost worn out when he unlatched the little gate at the Crow's
Nest. Amias was smoking as usual in the porch, and Verity was with him.
The lamplight from within fell full on Malcolm's face as he approached
them. Verity gave a start.
"Oh, how tired you look!" she said in quite a shocked voice. Malcolm
gave her a weary smile.
"I have had a long walk," he returned. "It was such a lovely evening,
so I resolved to miss supper for once." He tried to speak in a jaunty
fashion, but it was a ghastly failure, and he knew it. He was so sick
and faint with inanition that he felt as though he could not utter
another word. "I am tired, I think I will go to bed. Good-night you
two;" and he groped his way to the garden-house.
Amias took his pipe from his mouth and looked at his wife inquiringly.
"What's come to Herrick?" he said in a concerned tone; "he looks dead
beat. We thought he was dining at the Wood House; at least you said so,
Yea-Verily, my child, and I believed you."
"Yes, I know, dear; but we were both wrong, and he has eaten nothing,
that is evident." And then she got up quickly. "The kitchen fire is
still alight, and the kettle will soon boil; I told Martha to leave it.
I will make him some coffee, and you shall take it to him. And, Amias,
you dear old thing, don't talk to him; he is not fit for it to-night."
And so it was that a quarter of an hour later Amias knocked at
Malcolm's door, and was reluctantly bidden to enter.
Malcolm was sitting still fully dressed by the open window, and the
moonlight made him look still more ghastly. Amias, without a word,
lighted the lamp and placed the tray beside him. "Verity sends her
love, and says you must eat your supper," was all he ventured to say,
but his large hand rested kindly on Malcolm's shoulder for a moment.
Malcolm tried to thank him, but the words would not come. But when his
friend had left the room he suddenly covered his face with his hands
and cried like a child. "Elizabeth--Elizabeth!" but there was no
response; only a sleepy bird stirred in the shrubbery. In spite of his
great intimacy with the Kestons and his very real friendship, Malcolm
did not confide in either of them. He was undemonstrative and
self-reliant by nature, and, as he said himself afterwards, "There are
some things that a man ought to keep to himself." But neither Amias nor
Verity expected any such confidence.
If Amias seemed puzzled by the change in Malcolm, Verity needed no
explanation. She had seen how things were from the first. She had once
caught sight of Malcolm's face when Elizabeth Templeton had passed him
so closely that her dress brushed against him. She had seen that look
in Amias's eyes in the dear auld lang syne.
Verity was a loyal little soul, and she never even hinted her
suspicions to her husband. Neither did she attempt to find out what was
amiss. When, the next evening, Malcolm told them hurriedly that he
would be obliged to return to town earlier than he thought, she
interrupted Amias's clumsy exclamations of regret. "Mr. Herrick has
been very good to give us so much of his company," she said cheerfully.
"Of course we shall miss him, and so will Babs;" and then in her
pretty, housewifely way she set about making arrangements for his
comfort, and Malcolm felt inwardly grateful for this unspoken sympathy.
He went over to the vicarage to bid Mr. Charrington good-bye. On the
way back he met David Carlyon. The young curate looked rather nervous
and discomposed, but Malcolm was quite calm.
"As I am leaving Staplegrove to-morrow," he said quietly, "I am glad to
have this opportunity of offering my congratulations and bidding you
good-bye." The lie came glibly to his lips. Glad, when he would have
gone a dozen miles to avoid his rival--his successful rival!
Nevertheless--such hypocrites are the best of men--the words flowed
smoothly from his lips.
"Thanks awfully," replied David, prodding the dust with his stick. "Are
you going up to the Wood House now? I think--that is, I am sure the
ladies are out;" which was certainly the fact, as he had just seen them
driving in the direction of Earlsfield.
"No, not this afternoon, I think," replied Malcolm.
"Well, good-bye, I am a bit pressed for time;" and then the young men
shook hands, and David's grip was almost painful.
"Poor beggar!" he muttered to himself as he turned away; but Malcolm
could not give expression, if he tried, to those bitter thoughts of his.
"David Carlyon her husband--the husband of Elizabeth Templeton--why,
the very birds knew how to mate more fitly!" he thought. "He is good
and true, but he is not worthy of her;" and David in his sad humility
was saying the same thing of himself.
That evening Dinah received a note; Amias Keston left it.
"My dear Miss Templeton," wrote Malcolm, "to-morrow I am leaving
Staplegrove, and I know you will understand the reason why I do not
call to bid you good-bye, and that you will not think me ungrateful
after all the kindness and hospitality I have received from you. Your
sister has often told me that you have no secrets from each other; so
you will know why it is better for me to return to town. I have been to
the vicarage this afternoon, and have seen Carlyon. With kindest
regards to you and your sister, yours very sincerely and gratefully,"
"MALCOLM HERRICK."
Elizabeth grew a little pale and bit her lip when Dinah showed her the
note.
"It has gone very deep," she said to herself. "David said so, and he
was right--it has gone very deep."
So Malcolm shook off the dust of Staplegrove, and the gates of his City
of dreams clanged behind him.
"He must dree his weird," he said to himself, as he sat down to his
work in the gloomy room in Lincoln's Inn, and in spite of
heart-sickness he worked on stolidly and well. The evenings were his
worst time, when he went back to the empty house at Cheyne Walk and sat
on the balcony brooding over his troubles, until the light faded and an
eerie darkness crept over the river.
"I suppose many men have to go through this sort of thing," he would
say to himself, trying to philosophise in his old way, but if any one
had seen his face! "What does our glorious Will say?--'Men have died
from time to time and worms have eaten them, but not for love.' Ah, but
he also says, 'How bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through
another man's eyes!'" And sometimes, when the silence and solitude
oppressed him terribly, he would picture to himself the dreary future.
"I shall never marry," he would say. "There is only one woman in the
whole world that I want, and she will have nothing to do with me and my
love, and no other woman shall ever be my wife." And then he would
wonder sadly what life would be like when he was an old bachelor; would
he be living on here with Amias and Verity, or would he go back to his
mother and do his duty to her in her old age? But with all his bitter
ruminations he never let himself go again, but battled manfully with
his pain, though as the days went on he grew paler and thinner, and
looked wretchedly ill.
Malcolm knew that his mother and Anna were back at Queen's Gate, but it
was quite ten days before he saw them. He dreaded the ordeal of his
mother's searching glances; but at last one evening he plucked up his
courage and went.
Anna, who saw him coming, flew down the staircase to meet him. She
looked younger than ever, and quite pretty, with the soft pink colour
in her cheeks and her fair hair; but her smile faded when she saw
Malcolm's face.
"Oh, Malcolm, have you been ill?" she asked in an alarmed voice.
"No, dear, not ill--only a trifle seedy and out of sorts. Come, let me
look at you, lady fair?" and he pinioned her lightly. "Good child," he
continued approvingly, "I shall tell the mater you do her credit."
"Yes, I am quite well, and quite rested; and oh, Malcolm, I am so glad
to see you again!" Then he smiled at her kindly, and they went upstairs
hand in hand. Mrs. Herrick, hearing their voices, came out on the
landing to greet her son. Her manner was more than usually affectionate.
"My dear boy," she said, "what an age it is since we saw you! It is
more than a fortnight since you even wrote. When did you come back to
town?"
Malcolm had dreaded this question, but he was compelled to answer it
truthfully.
"About ten days ago," he returned coolly; he knew his mother never
tolerated excuses.
"Ten days, and you have never been near us!" Then her tone changed.
"Have you been ill, Malcolm?" and she regarded him with undisguised
anxiety.
"Anna asked me the same question," he replied, impatiently. "I have
only been out of sorts, as I tell her--rather off my feed and that kind
of thing." Then Mrs. Herrick said no more on that subject, but as they
sat at dinner the keen gray eyes were often fixed on his face. Malcolm
did his part manfully: he talked and questioned Anna about her doings;
he would not brook an instant's silence. Anna must tell him this and
that about her water-party and the picnic, and those wonderful people
who tried to force an acquaintance on them; he would not let her off,
though more than once the girl looked wistfully at him. Why did he not
tell them about Staplegrove? He had not once mentioned the Wood House
and the Templetons. Was anything wrong with him? He did not look
himself; and she had never before noticed those lines on his forehead.
He looked different somehow in these two months. When he went on to the
balcony to smoke his cigarette she followed, and stood silently beside
him, until he turned and saw her anxious face.
"Well, Annachen," one of his pet names for her, "what is it, little
woman?" Then her soft hand smoothed his coat-sleeve.
"Malcolm dear, I don't like to ask, but I am sure something has gone
wrong between you and your friends at the Wood House; you have not once
mentioned their name, and there is such a sad, sad look in your eyes."
Malcolm took the girl's slender wrists and held them firmly.
"Anna, you are my dear little sister, are you not?"
"Oh yes," in a shrinking voice, for he was evidently waiting for an
answer.
"A faithful little sister, who will not misunderstand her brother, even
if he doesn't confide in her?"
"Anna, you are right, and something is troubling me--something that can
never be set straight in this world; but not even to you can I speak of
it." Then she knew, and in her innocent love she would fain have
comforted him.
"I am very sorry--very, very sorry," was all she could find to say.
"I am sorry too," he returned gently, and then he kissed her cheek, and
Anna stole away sadly to her own room. If she shed tears they were for
him, and not for herself. Anna's affection for her adopted brother was
perfectly unconscious and selfless; she never indulged in unwholesome
introspection; she never asked herself why her heart ached that night,
and a sense of loneliness and desolation stole over her.
Malcolm was unhappy, that was her one thought--things had gone wrong
with him. Oh, if she could only give him his heart's desire! This
wonderful unknown Elizabeth--had she refused him? Was there some one
else? Alas, these questions were not to be answered. She must play her
part of a faithful little sister, who must ask nothing, refuse nothing.
Malcolm's ordeal was not yet over. When he threw away his cigarette and
went back to the drawing-room, he found his mother alone.
"I thought Anna was with you," he said apologetically, "or I would not
have stayed out there so long. I am afraid I must be going now."
"You have your latch-key," she returned quietly; "sit down a moment, I
want to speak to you, Malcolm. You are not yourself this evening,
something has gone wrong." Again Anna's very words. He was silent. Why
had his womankind such sharp eyes?
"I am a bit flattened out," he acknowledged, "but I shall be all right
in a day or two;" but she passed this by almost contemptuously.
"Something is troubling you," she continued, "and to judge by your
looks it is no light thing. You have grown thinner, Malcolm."
"Oh, I was always one of the lean kine," he returned lightly; but she
seemed almost affronted at the little joke.
"Does that mean you do not intend to tell me your trouble?" and here
her eyes grew very wistful. "You are my only son, Malcolm;" she never
called him her only child, her adopted daughter was too dear to her.
"Is there anything that I can do to help you?"
"Nothing--nothing," and he kissed her hand gratefully, for her motherly
tone touched his heart. "Mother dear, forgive me if I cannot speak to
you or Anna about this."
"Not even to poor little Anna?"
"No, not even to her. Mother, please do not misunderstand me, or think
me ungrateful, but there are some things of which a man does not find
it easy to speak." Then Mrs. Herrick said no more; she must bide her
time, and until then she could only pray for him.
And up in her pretty room Anna was praying her guileless, innocent
prayers, and watering every petition with her tears.
"How could she--how could she?" she cried more than once; "how could
any woman refuse my dear Malcolm?"
Can such prayers help? Yea--a thousand times yea! Only He who reads
human hearts knows the value of such prayers! When the son--the
brother--the lover--has gone into the battle of life, when his strength
is failing and the Philistines are upon him, it may be that the pure
petition of some loving heart may be as an invisible shield to
withstand the darts of the evil one, or haply that "arrow drawn at a
venture" which else had pierced between the joints of his armour. "I
said little, but I prayed much for you, my son," Mrs. Herrick once said
to Malcolm in after-years when they understood each other better, and
he knew that she spoke the truth.