SAILORS' PETS.
A dog is the most obvious and natural pet for a gentleman; but still,
a dog, with all his familiarity, is a selfish sort of companion, for
he generally bestows his whole sociability either upon his master, or
his master's servant who feeds him, or upon his master's friend who
accompanies him to the fields. To all others he is not only cold, but
often surly and impertinent. This, indeed, would matter little, if
there were not unfortunately a proverb extant, which has led perhaps
to more squabbles, duels, and other uncharitableness, than most other
causes of dispute. This pugnacious proverb, "Love me, love my dog,"
being interpreted, signifies, "If you kick my dog, I kick you." Then
follows, if not the kick, words which hurt honour quite as much, and
in the end too often draw away the life-blood of warriors who, but
for some mangy cur, might have fought themselves into companionship in
public usefulness and fame with "Duncan, Howe, or Jarvis."
No dog, therefore, can ever become a very general favourite of the
crew; for it is so completely his nature to be exclusive in his
regards, that were a whole pack of hounds on board, they would not be
enough, nor afford a tenth part of the amusement which a single monkey
serves out to a ship's company. I take good care, accordingly, never
to be without one in any ship I command, on the sheer principle of
keeping the men employed, in a good humoured way, when they chance to
have no specific duty to attend to. It must be recollected that we are
often exposed to long periods of inaction, during which mischief is
very apt to be brewed amongst the people.
But if a good monkey be allowed to run about the ship, I defy any one
to continue long in a bad humour. Jacko is an overmatch for the demon
of idleness, at least if light hearts and innocent diversions be
weapons against which he cannot long contend. Be this as it may, I
make a rule of entering a monkey as speedily as possible after
hoisting my pendant; and if a reform takes place in the table of
ratings, I would recommend a corner for the "ship's monkey," which
should be borne on the books for "full allowance of victuals,"
excepting only the grog; for I have observed that a small quantity of
tipple very soon upsets him; and although there are few things in
nature more ridiculous than a monkey half-seas over, yet the reasons
against permitting such pranks are obvious and numerous.
When Lord Melville, then First Lord of the Admiralty, to my great
surprise and delight, put into my hands a commission for a ship going
to the South American station, a quarter of the world I had long
desired to visit, my first thought was, "Where now shall I manage to
find a merry rascal of a monkey?" Of course, I did not give audible
expression to this thought in the First Lord's room; but, on coming
down-stairs, I had a talk about it in the hall with my friend, the
late Mr. Nutland, the porter, who laughed, and said,--
"Why, sir, you may buy a wilderness of monkeys at Exeter 'Change."
"True! true!" and off I hurried in a Hackney coach. Mr. Cross, not
only agreed to spare me one of his choicest and funniest animals, but
readily offered his help to convey him to the ship. "Lord, sir!" said
he, "there is not an animal in the whole world so wild or fierce that
we can't carry about as innocent as a lamb; only trust to me, sir, and
your monkey shall be delivered on board your ship in Portsmouth
Harbour as safely as if he were your best chronometer going down by
mail in charge of the master." Accordingly he was in a famous
condition for his breakfast next morning, when the waterman ferried
him off from Common Hard to the hulk, on board which the officers had
just assembled. As the ship had been only two or three days in
commission, few seamen had as yet entered; but shortly afterwards they
came on board in sufficient numbers; and I have sometimes ascribed the
facility with which we got the ship manned, not a little to the
attractive agency of the diverting vagabond, recently come from town,
the fame of whose tricks soon extended over Portsea; such as catching
hold of the end of the sail-maker's ball of twine, and paying the
whole overboard, hand over hand, from a secure station in the rigging;
or stealing the boatswain's silver call, and letting it drop from the
end of the cat-head; or his getting into one of the cabin ports and
tearing up the captain's letters, a trick at which even the stately
skipper can only laugh.
One of our monkey's grand amusements was to watch some one arranging
his clothes bag. After the stowage was completed, and everything put
carefully away, he would steal round, untie the strings, and having
opened the mouth of the bag draw forth in succession every article of
dress, first smell it, then turn it over and over, and lastly fling it
away on the wet deck. It was amusing enough to observe, that all the
while he was committing any piece of mischief he appeared not only to
be under the fullest consciousness of guilt, but living in the perfect
certainty that he was earning a good sound drubbing for his pains.
Still the pleasure of doing wrong was so strong and habitual within
him, that he seemed utterly incapable of resisting the temptation.
While thus occupied, and alternately chattering with terror, and
screaming with delight, till the enraged owner of the property burst
in upon him, hardly more angry with Jacko than with his malicious
messmates, who, instead of preventing, had rather encouraged the
pillage.
All this was innocent, however, compared to the tricks which the
blue-jackets taught him to play upon the jolly marines. How they set
about this laudable piece of instruction, I know not; but the
antipathy which they established in Jacko's breast against the red
coats was something far beyond ordinary prejudice, and in its
consequences partook more of the interminable war between cat and dog.
At first he merely chattered, or grinned contemptuously at them; or,
at worst, snapped at their heels, soiled their fine pipe-clayed
trousers, or pulled the cartridges out of their cartouch-boxes, and
scattered the powder over the decks; feats for which his rump was
sure to smart under the ratan of the indignant sergeant, to whom the
"party" made their complaint. Upon these occasions the sailors laughed
so heartily at their friend Jacko, as he placed his hands behind him,
and, in an agony of rage and pain, rubbed the seat of honour tingling
under the sergeant's chastisement, that if he could only have reasoned
the matter, he would soon have distrusted this offensive but not
defensive alliance with the Johnnies against the Jollies. Sometimes,
indeed, he appeared to be quite sensible of his absurd position, caned
by his enemy, and ridiculed by his friends, in whose cause he was
suffering. On these occasions, he often made a run, open-mouthed, at
the sailors; in return for which mutinous proceeding he was sure to
get a smart rap over the nose from his own party, which more than
counterpoised the anguish at the other extremity of his person, giving
ludicrous occupation to both his hands, and redoubling the shouts of
laughter at his expense. In short, poor St. Jago literally got what is
currently called monkey's allowance, viz. "more kicks than halfpence."
In process of time, as Mr. Monkey, by dint of that bitter monitor,
experience, gained higher knowledge in the art of marine warfare and
ship diplomacy, he became much more formidable in his attacks on the
"corps," and generally contrived to keep himself well beyond the reach
of the sergeant's merciless ratan. One of the favourite pranks of the
sailors was to place him near the break of the forecastle, with a
handspike, taken from the bow-chaser gun, in his paws. It was quite as
much as he could carry, and far more than he could use as a missile
against the royals; but he was soon instructed in a method of
employing it, which always grievously annoyed the enemy.
Theoretically, I presume poor Jacko knew no more of the laws of
gravitation, than his friends, the seamen, did of centrifugal action,
when swinging round the hand-lead to gain soundings, by pitching it
far forward into the water; but both the monkey and his wicked
associates knew very well, that if a handspike were held across the
top of the forecastle ladder, and let go when a person was about
half-way down it, the heels of the said individual would be sure to
bring up, or stop the bar. The unhappy marine, therefore, who happened
to be descending the steps when Jacko let his handspike fall,
generally got the skin taken off his heels, or his instep, according
as his rear or his front was turned towards the foe. The instant Jacko
let go his hold, and the law of gravitation began to act, so that the
handspike was heard to rattle down the ladder, off he jumped to the
bow of the barge, overlooking the spot, and there sat, with his neck
stretched out, his eyes starting from his head, and his lips drawn
back, till his teeth, displayed from ear to ear, rapped against one
another like a pair of castanets in a bolero, under the influence of
the most ecstatic alarm, curiously mixed up with the joy of complete
success. The poor wounded Gulpin, in the mean time, rubbed his ankles
as he fired off a volley of imprecations, the only effect of which was
to increase the number of his audience, grinning and laughing in
chorus with the terrified mischief-monger.
I remember seeing a marine, of more than usual activity, and who had
before been served this trick, catch hold of the end of the weather
middle stay-sail sheet, hanging from the booms, and, before Jacko
knew what he was about, succeed in giving him such a cut across his
sconce as the animal never forgot or forgave. Next morning the monkey
stowed himself away behind the pumps, till the same marine passed; he
then sprung out, and laid hold of him by the calf of the leg; and, in
spite of sundry kicks and cuffs, never once relaxed his jaws till the
teeth met amongst what the loblolly boy, in the pride of his
anatomical knowledge, called the "gastrocnemii muscles" of his enemy's
leg. The cries of "murder!" from the soldier, brought the marines and
many of the sailors under the half-deck to the poor fellow's rescue;
while the author of the mischief scuttled off among the men's feet,
chattering and screaming all the way. He was not again seen during two
or three days; at the end of which, as the wounded "troop" was not
much hurt, a sort of truce was proclaimed between the red and the blue
factions of the ship. Doubtless the armistice was all the better kept
in consequence of some tolerably intelligible hints from the higher
powers, that the peace of the ship was no longer to be invaded to make
sport for those who were evidently more idle than they ought to be,
and for whom, therefore, a little additional work might possibly be
found.
Old Jacko, however, like one of the weaker states of Europe, whose
fate and fortunes are settled by the protocols of the surrounding
political giants, was no party to these treaties; and having once
tasted the joys of revenge, he could not keep his teeth quiet, but
must needs have another bite. Upon this occasion, however, he kept
clear of the corps, and attacked one of his oldest and dearest
friends, no less a personage than the captain of the foretop. It was
in warm weather, and the men, as usual, were dining on the main-deck;
the grog had been served out, and the happy Johnnies were just
beginning to sip their darling beverage, when Mr. Mischief,
incessantly occupied in his vocation of wrong doing, and utterly
incapable of resisting any good opening to get himself into a scrape,
saw the grog-kid of the captain of the top's mess standing by the
fore-hatchway. So he paced round, as if seeking for a bit of bread,
but all the while keeping his face turned just so far from the fated
grog-vessel that no one suspected his design. On reaching the spot his
heart began to fail him, but not his wickedness; indeed, his was the
very beau ideal of that character described in the satire of Junius,
which, "without courage enough to resist doing a bad action, has yet
virtue enough to be ashamed of it." Whether or not these mixed motives
influenced old Jacko, I cannot pretend to say; but there he sat
chattering, screaming, and trembling, as if the sergeant's cane had
been within an inch of his hide.
"What ails you, my dear Mr. St. James?" said the captain of the top,
playfully addressing the monkey. "What are you afraid of? Nobody is
going to hurt you; we are all sailors and friends here, man. Not a
marine within hail of you!"
At this stage of the colloquy the sly rogue having mustered all his
energies, fairly grasped the grog-kid in his arms, and, making a clean
spring from the deck, placed himself, at the first bound, beyond the
reach of the horror-stricken seaman. This exploit was not so adroitly
performed as it might have been if Jacko had been less agitated, and
one-half of the delicious nectar in the sailor's cup was jerked out.
"You bloody thundering rascal of a monkey!" bellowed the astounded
topman; "let go the kid, or I'll shy this knife at your head!"
The threat was no sooner uttered than executed; for the sailor,
without waiting to see the effect of his summons, threw the knife; and
had not his saintship ducked his head, there would have been an end of
monkey tricks for that cruise. As the glittering steel passed before
the wicked scamp's eyes, the flash deprived him of all recollection of
the mischief in hand: with a loud yell he leaped on the booms, and in
his terror let the prize slip from his grasp. It fell on the cooming
of the hatchway, hung for one instant, and then dashed right down into
the fore-cockpit, to the infinite astonishment of the boatswain's
yeoman, a thirsty soul, and familiar with drink in all its shapes, but
who declared he never before had tried grog in a shower-bath.
Up started the enraged party of seamen on their feet. "All hands catch
monkey!" was the cry; and in ten seconds the whole crew, including the
cook with his ladle, and his mate with the tormentors in his hand,
were seen scrambling on deck. Jacko scampered like lightning up the
main-stay, and reached the top before any of the men, who had mounted
the rigging, were half-a-dozen ratlines above the hammocks. The
officers rushed to the quarter-deck, naturally fancying from the
bustling sounds that a man was overboard; but they were soon
undeceived by the shouts of laughter which resounded from every part
of the ship, low and aloft.
For a few moments Jacko sat on the main-cap, chattering at such a rate
that, had it been dark, one of the men said, you could have seen the
sparks of fire from his teeth. I do not quite believe this; but
certainly I never witnessed such an expression of fear. A dozen men
were soon pouring into the top, while two others were stealing up the
stay, and four or five had got into the topmast-shrouds, to cut off
his retreat in that direction; finally, an active fellow leaped from
the rigging to the topmast, and sliding down the well-greased spar,
almost plumped on the devoted head of this master of the revels. It
was now absolutely necessary for Jacko to do something; so he made a
clear run down the main lift to the lower yard-arm. The gunner's mate
foreseeing this manoeuvre, had sprung to guard his department, and had
already lain out as far as the inner boom iron, with a gasket in his
hand, and quite certain of catching the chase. Not a bit! "A gunner's
mate catch a monkey!" The fable of the Tortoise and the Hare affords
but a feeble simile to characterize such a match; and before old
Hard-a-weather and his gasket had reached the yard-arm, our nimble
Mona had trotted half-way up the leach of the topsail, and was seated
as familiarly on the bridle of the maintop-bowline, as if he had been
perched on the feathery branch of a cocoa-nut tree, enjoying the sea
breeze, in his native island, amongst the beautiful Cape de Verdes.
The sailors were now fairly baffled, and still more so when the expert
rogue chose to climb a little higher, and then to walk deliberately
along the standing part of the main-topsail brace to the mizen-topmast
head; whence, as if to divert himself, or force his pursuers to mingle
admiration with their rage, he made a flying leap downwards to the
peak haulyards, scampering along the single part till he reached the
end of the gaff. There he sat laughing at a hundred and fifty men and
boys, employed in the vain attempt to catch one monkey!
Sailors are certainly not men to give up a pursuit lightly; but after
an hour of as hard labour as I ever witnessed, they were all obliged
to relinquish the chase from sheer fatigue, and poor Jacko was
pardoned by acclamation. The captain of the foretop, however, a couple
of days afterwards, more out of fun than from any ill-will on the old
grog score, gave the monkey's ear a pinch, upon which the animal
snapped at his thumb, and bit it so seriously that the man was obliged
to apply to the doctor. When this was reported to me by the surgeon, I
began to think my four-footed friend was either getting rather too
much licence, or that too many liberties were taken with him, so I
gave orders that in future he should be let alone. Nevertheless, Jacko
contrived to bite two more of the people, one of whom was the
sergeant, the other the midshipmen's boy. These were all wounded in
one day; and when the surgeon came to me next morning, as usual, with
the sick-list in his hand, he was rather in dudgeon.
"Really, sir," said he, "this does seem rather too much of the monkey.
Here are no fewer than three persons in my list from bites of this
infernal beast."
"Three!" I exclaimed, and straightway got angry, partly at my own
folly, partly at the perversity of my pet, and also somewhat nettled
by the tone not very unreasonably assumed by the doctor. "Send Black,
the quarter-master, here directly." He soon came.
"Don't you take care of the monkey?" I asked.
"Yes, sir, I do. You gave me charge of him."
"Well! and why don't you prevent his biting the people?"
"I can't prevent him, sir."
"No! Then throw him overboard!" I cried--"over with him at once! There
he stands, in charge of the corporal and two marines; pitch him right
over the lee-gangway. I will not have the ship's company killed and
wounded at this rate. Over with him, I say!"
The quarter-master moved off to the lee-gangway, and took the
terrified animal in his arms; while, on its part, the poor creature
seemed conscious of its approaching fate, and spread out its arms over
the seaman's bare breast, as if to supplicate his mercy. The old
sailor, who looked mightily as if he were going to melt upon the
occasion, cast a petitioning glance to windward every now and then
from under the edge of his straw hat, as I paced up and down the deck,
still fuming away at the doctor's demi-official reproach. As I saw the
fellow wished to say something, I at length asked him whether he had
any proposal to make respecting his wicked and troublesome pet. The
old man's face brightened up with this prospect of a respite for his
favourite; and, after humming and hawing for a minute, he said,--
"It is all owing to these two great teeth, sir; if they were out, he
would be as harmless as any lamb."
"I tell you what it is," I replied, catching at this suggestion, "I
positively will not have the whole ship's company driven one after
another into the sick list by your confounded monkey; but if you
choose to draw those wild-boar tusks of his, you may let him live."
Few reprieves were ever hailed at the foot of the gallows with more
joy by the friends of a felon than this announcement of a commutation
of Mr. St. Jago's sentence was received by his affectionate
companions. Even the marines, though constitutionally predisposed
against him, were glad of the change; and I heard the sentry at the
cabin door say, "I knew the captain had too much regard for the animal
to do him an injury."
Injury, indeed! I question whether poor Jacko thought the alternative
any favour. At all events, his friends seemed grievously puzzled how
to fulfil the conditions of his exemption from a watery grave; for I
could perceive a council of war going on upon the lee side of the main
deck, as to the best method of proceeding in the affair of the tusks.
"Who'll hold the monkey?" said one.
No answer was made to this. It was like the old story of belling the
cat; but there was no Douglas so bold as to try the experiment on
Master Jacko, who at any time was a powerful animal, and would, it was
naturally inferred, make a tenfold effort when his teeth were the
objects of attack.
"Even suppose we could tie the poor unfortunate victim," said the
quarter-master, "who knows how to pull out these great big teeth? We
might break his jaw in the operation."
There was a long pause.
"I dare say," at length cried one of the party, "that the doctor's
mate, who is a good-natured gentleman, would be so kind as to tell us
how we can manage this affair."
A deputation of the monkey's friends was accordingly despatched to
present a humble petition to the surgeon's assistant, praying that he
would be graciously pleased to lend his professional aid in saving the
jaw, and perhaps the life, of one of the most diverting vagabonds in
his Majesty's service.
Fortunately, the assistant medico was not one of those priggish
puppies who, having little professional knowledge to balance their own
inherent stupidity, fancy it necessary to support their dignity by the
agency of etiquettes alone. He was, on the contrary, a young man of
skill, good sense, and right feelings, who cared nothing at all about
his dignity when he could be of any use; or rather, who left it to
take care of itself, without thinking of anything but his business. To
tell the truth, he was so much a lover of his art that he felt
secretly tickled with the idea of a new operation, and experienced on
the occasion that peculiar pleasure, known, it is said, only to the
faculty, when a complicated and difficult case falls into their hands.
He had just mixed a glass of grog, after the day's work was done, and
was eyeing the beverage with that sort of serene anticipation which
the sober certainty of waking bliss is sure to produce, when the
deputation made their appearance, having first sent in the boy, whose
arm was still in a sling from the bite of the monkey.
"Are you in a hurry?" said the doctor, on hearing the novel petition;
for he had nestled himself into the corner of the berth, with one foot
on the bench, the other on the table, and his glass of "half-and-half"
glowing like amber between his eye and the solitary glim of those
profound regions, those diamond mines from which the Hoods and the
Hardys of times past and times present have been drawn up to the very
tip-top of their profession.
"Yes, sir," replied the spokesman of the party. "There is no time to
be lost, for the captain, who is in a great rage, says, if we don't
extricate the monkey's grinders, overboard he goes to a certainty."
"Extricate is not the word, you blockhead; extract, I suppose you
mean. Besides, I fancy it is not his grinders which the captain has
ordered to be removed, but his eye-teeth, or tusks, as they may fairly
be called."
"Well, sir," said the impatient seaman, "just as you please, tushes or
high teeth, if you'll only be kind enough to come and help us out of
this plaguy mess, and save the poor dumb animal's life."
The quick clatter of feet up the ladders gave the signal that the
successful deputation were returning to the anxious party assembled
between the two guns just abaft the gangway-ladder, and nearly abreast
the after-hatchway, and immediate preparations were made for the
operation.
While these preparations were going on, the learned doctor had leisure
to consider the case more attentively; and it occurred to him that it
would be needless cruelty to draw the poor beast's tusks, and
therefore he exchanged that too well-known instrument, the dentist's
key, for a pair of bone-nippers, with which he proposed merely to
break off the points.
"I don't know exactly about that," said the perplexed quarter-master,
when the assistant surgeon explained his views of the matter. "The
captain said to me, 'Draw those wild bear's tushes out of him;' and I
am afraid, if they are only broken, the monkey may still have a chance
for going astern."
"Nonsense, nonsense!" interrupted the judicious doctor. "Can you
suppose the captain wished that anything should he done to the animal
but just enough to prevent his biting the people?"
And, suiting the action to the word, he closed the fatal pincers, and
nipped away the ends of the offending tusks, it is to be hoped without
causing him any great pain. But although poor Jacko probably did not
suffer much, his rage knew no bounds; and no sooner was the canvas
unfolded, than he sprang towards the after-hatchway, and catching the
sergeant's hand in his mouth, closed his jaws with all his force.
Instinctively the soldier's cane was in the air, but a dozen voices
roared out, "He can't bite! He has got no tushes left! Don't hit him!"
And, sure enough, although Mr. St. Jago gnawed and struggled, he could
make no impression on the well-tanned fist of the veteran, but, at
length, slunk off quite abashed, amidst the shouts and laughter of the
crew.
When the ship came to England, and was paid off, I turned over the
monkey to the boatswain, who always remains in the ship, whence he
found his way back to his old haunts in Exeter 'Change, after an
absence of nearly three years; for happening one day, not long after
the ship was paid off, to be in attendance upon a party seeing the
wild beasts, one of the monkeys set up such a chattering in his cage,
that he attracted the attention of the keeper of the establishment.
"That animal seems to know you, sir," said he to me; and upon going
nearer, I discovered my old and mischievous friend grinning with
delight. I must own, indeed, that my heart smote me a little as I
looked at the broken teeth, while the poor fellow held out his paw to
catch my hand, in the spirit of perfect kindness and forgiveness.
A far different fate, I am sorry to record, befell another monkey of
mine, in another ship, and in a very different quarter of the globe. I
was then in command of the Lyra, on the homeward voyage from China,
after the embassy under Lord Amherst had been concluded. We touched on
our way to Calcutta at the Philippine Islands, and, amongst other live
stock, laid in a monkey which had seen the world. He was born, they
assured us, at Teneriffe, bred at Cadiz, and had afterwards made the
voyage across the Pacific Ocean, _viá_ Lima and Acapulco, to Manilla.
Our extensive traveller had made good use of his time and
opportunities, and was destined to see a good deal more of men and
manners, indeed almost to make out the circuit of the globe. This
distinguished monkey had a particular liking for the marines, who
caressed and fed him, and sometimes even ventured to teach him to play
off tricks on Jack, which the sailors promised one day to pay back
with interest on the soldiers. In so diminutive a vessel as a ten-gun
brig, there is but a small party of marines, merely a sergeant's
guard, and no commissioned officer, otherwise I hardly think the
following trick would have been attempted.
One Sunday, while going the formal division rounds, I came to a figure
which at first sight puzzled me not a little. This was no other than
our great traveller, the monkey, rigged out as a marine, and planted
like a sentry on the middle step of the short ladder, which, in
deep-waisted vessels, is placed at the gangway, and reaches from the
deck to the top of the bulwark. The animal was dressed up in a
complete suit of miniature uniform, made chiefly of the coloured
buntin used for flags with sundry bits of red baize purloined from the
carpenters. His regimental cap was constructed out of painted canvas;
and under his lower jaw had been forced a stock of pump-leather, so
stiff in itself, and so tightly drawn back, that his head was rendered
totally immoveable. His chin, and great part of the cheeks, had been
shaved with so much care, that only two small curled mustachios and a
respectable pair of whiskers remained. His hair behind being tied back
tightly into a queue, the poor devil's eyes were almost starting from
his head; while the corners of his mouth being likewise tugged towards
the ears by the hair-dresser's operations, the expression of his
countenance became irresistibly ludicrous. The astonished recruit's
elbows were then brought in contact and fastened behind by a lashing,
passed round and secured to the middle step of the ladder, so that he
could not budge an inch from his position. One of the ship's pistols,
fashioned like a musket, and strapped to his shoulder, was tied to his
left hand, which again had been sewed by the sail-maker to the
waistband of his beautifully pipe-clayed trousers; in short, he was
rigged up as a complete sea-soldier in full uniform.
As the captain and his train approached, the monkey began to tremble
and chatter; but the men, not knowing how their chief might relish the
joke, looked rather grave, while, I own, it cost me no small official
struggle to keep down a laugh. I did succeed, however, and merely
said, in passing, "You should not play these tricks upon travellers;
cast him loose immediately." One of the men pulled his knife from his
breast, and cutting the cord which fastened the poor Spaniard to the
ladder, let him scamper off. Unluckily for the gravity of the
officers, however, and that of the crew, Jacko did not run below, or
jump into one of the boats out of sight, but made straight for his
dear friends the marines, drawn up in line across our little
hurricane-house of a poop. Unconscious of the ridicule he was bringing
on his military patrons, he took up a position in front of the corps,
not unlike a fugleman; and I need hardly say, that even the royals
themselves, provoked though they were, now joined in the laugh which
soon passed along the decks, and was with difficulty suppressed during
the remainder of the muster.
A day or two afterwards, and while the monkey was still puzzled to
think what was the matter with his chin, he happened to observe the
doctor engaged in some chemical process. As his curiosity and desire
for information were just such as ought to characterize a traveller of
his intelligence, he crept gradually from chest to chest, and from bag
to bag, till he arrived within about a yard of Apothecaries' Hall, as
that part of the steerage was named by the midshipmen. Poor Mono's
delight was very great as he observed the process of pill-making,
which he watched attentively while the ingredients were successively
weighed, pounded, and formed into a long roll of paste. All these
proceedings excited his deepest interest. The doctor then took his
spreader, and cut the roll into five pieces, each of which he intended
to divide into a dozen pills. At this stage of the process, some one
called the pharmacopoeist's attention to the hatchway. The instant his
back was turned, the monkey darted on the top of the medicine-chest,
snapped up all the five masses of pill stuff, stowed them hastily
away in his pouch, or bag, at the side of his mouth, scampered on
deck, and leaped into the main rigging, preparatory to a leisurely
feast upon his pilfered treasures.
The doctor's first feeling was that of anger at the abstraction of his
medicines; but in the next instant, recollecting that unless immediate
steps were taken, the poor animal must inevitably be poisoned, he
rushed on deck, without coat or hat, and knife in hand, to the great
surprise and scandal of the officer of the watch.
"Lay hold of the monkey, some of you!" roared the doctor to the
people. "Jump up in the rigging, and try to get out of his pouch a
whole mess of my stuff he has run off with!"
The men only laughed, as they fancied the doctor must be cracked.
"For any sake," cried the good-natured physician, "don't make a joke
of this matter. The monkey has now in his jaws more than a hundred
grains of calomel, and unless you get it from him, he will die to a
certainty!"
Literally, the quantity Jacko had purloined, had it been prescribed,
would have been ordered in these terms:--
Rx Hydrargyri submuriatis, 3ij. (Take of calomel 120 grains!)
This appeal, which was quite intelligible, caused an immediate rush of
the men aloft; but the monkey, after gulping down one of the lumps, or
twenty-four grains, shot upwards to the top, over the rail of which he
displayed his shaven countenance, and, as if in scorn of their
impotent efforts to catch him, plucked another lump from his cheek,
and swallowed it likewise, making four dozen grains to begin with. The
news spread over the ship; and all hands, marines inclusive, most of
whom had never been farther in the rigging than was necessary to hang
up a wet shirt to dry, were seen struggling aloft to rescue the poor
monkey from his sad fate. All their exertions were fruitless; for just
as the captain of the maintop seized him by the tail, at the starboard
royal yard-arm, he was cramming the last batch of calomel down his
throat!
It would give needless pain to describe the effects of swallowing the
whole of this enormous prescription. Every art was resorted to within
our reach in the shape of antidotes, but all in vain. The stomach-pump
was then, unfortunately, not invented. Poor Jacko's sufferings, of
course, were great: first, he lost the use of his limbs, then he
became blind, next paralytic; and, in short, he presented, at the end
of the week, such a dreadful spectacle of pain, distortion, and
rigidity of limb, that I felt absolutely obliged to desire that he
might be released from his misery, by being thrown into the sea. This
was accordingly done when the ship was going along, for the British
Channel, at the rate of seven or eight knots, with a fine fair wind.
Very shortly afterwards it fell calm, and next day the wind drew round
to the eastward. It continued at that point till we were blown fifty
leagues back, and kept at sea so much longer than we had reckoned
upon, that we were obliged to reduce our daily allowance of provisions
and water to a most painfully small quantity. The sailors unanimously
ascribed the whole of our bad luck to the circumstance of the monkey
being thrown overboard.
I had all my nautical life been well aware that a cat ought never to
be so treated; but never knew, till the fate of this poor animal
acquainted me with the fact, that a monkey is included in Jack's
superstition.
In the same vessel, and on the same voyage to China, the sailors had
another pet, of a very singular description; viz. a pig--literally a
grunter: nor do I believe there ever was a favourite more deeply
cherished, or more sincerely lamented after her singular exit. On our
sailing from England, six little sows, of a peculiarly fine breed, had
been laid in by my steward. In the course of the voyage, five of these
fell under the relentless hands of the butcher; but one of the six,
being possessed of a more graceful form than belonged to her sister
swine, and kept as clean as any lap-dog, was permitted to run about
the decks, amongst the goats, sheep, dogs, and monkeys of our little
ark. The occurrence of two or three smart gales of wind off the Cape
of Good Hope, and the unceremonious entrance of sundry large seas,
swept the decks of most of our live stock, excepting only this one
pig, known amongst the crew by the pet name of Jean. During the bad
weather off the Bank of Aguilhas, her sowship was stowed in the launch
on the booms, and never seen, though often enough heard; but when we
hauled up to the northward, and once more entered the trade-winds, on
our course to the Straits of Sunda, by which entrance we proposed to
gain the Java Sea, Miss Jean was again allowed to range about the
decks at large, and right happy she seemed, poor lady, to exchange the
odious confinement of the longboat for the freedom of the open waist.
In warm latitudes, the men, as I have mentioned before, generally
take their meals on deck, and it was Jean's grand amusement, as well
as business, to cruise along amongst the messes, poking her snout into
every bread-bag, and very often she scalded her tongue in the
soup-kids. Occasionally, the sailors, to show the extent of their
regard, amused themselves by pouring a drop of grog down her throat. I
never saw her fairly drunk, however, but twice; upon which occasions,
as was to be expected, she acted pretty much like a human being in the
same hoggish predicament. Whether it was owing to this high feeding,
or to the constant scrubbing which her hide received from sand,
brushes, and holystones, I know not, but she certainly grew and
flourished at a most astonishing rate, and every day waxed more and
more impudent and importunate at the dinner-hour. I saw a good deal of
this familiarity going on, but had no idea of the estimation Jean was
held in, till one day, when we were about half-way across the China
Sea, and all our stock of sheep, fowls, and ducks, was expended, I
said to the steward, "You had better kill the pig, which, if properly
managed, will last till we reach Macao."
The servant stood for some time fumbling with his hair, and shuffling
with his feet, muttering something to himself.
"Don't you hear?" I asked. "Kill the pig; and let us have the fry
to-day; the head with plenty of port wine, as mock-turtle soup,
to-morrow; and get one of the legs roasted for dinner on Saturday."
Off he went; but in half-an-hour returned, on some pretence or other,
when he took occasion to ask,--
"Did you say Jean was to be killed, sir?"
"Jean! Who is Jean?--Oh, now I remember; the pig. Yes, certainly. Why
do you bother and boggle so about killing a pig?"
"The ship's company, sir--"
"Well; what have the ship's company to say to my pig?"
"They are very fond of Jean, sir."
"The devil they are! Well; what then?"
"Why, sir, they would take it as a great kindness if you would not
order her to be killed. She is a great pet, sir, and comes to them
when they call her by name, like a dog. They have taught her not to
venture abaft the mainmast; but if you only call her, you'll see that
what I say is true."
"Indeed! I'll soon try that experiment;" and seized my hat to go on
deck.
"Shall I tell the butcher to hold fast?" asked Capewell.
"Of course!" I exclaimed. "Of course!"
Off shot the steward like an arrow; and I could soon distinguish the
effect of the announcement, by the intermission of those horrible
screams which ever attend the execution of the pig tribe, all which
sounds were instantly terminated on the seizings being cut that tied
poor Jean's legs.
On reaching the quarter-deck, I told what had passed to the officer of
the watch, who questioned its propriety a little, I thought, by the
tone of his answer. I, however, called out "Jean! Jean!" and in a
moment the delighted pig came prancing along. So great, in fact, was
her anxiety to answer the call, as if to show her sense of the
trifling favour I had just conferred upon her, that she dashed towards
us, tripped up the officer's heels, and had I not caught him, he
would have come souse on the deck. Even as it was, he indulged in a
growl, and muttered out,--
"You see, sir, what your yielding to such whims brings upon us."
I said nothing, and only took care in future to caution my friends to
mind their footing when Jean was summoned aft, which, I allow, was
very often; for there was no resisting the exhibition to all strangers
of such a patent pet as this. To the Chinese in particular our comical
favourite became an object of the highest admiration, for the natives
of the celestial empire soon recognized in this happiest of swine the
celebrated breed of their own country. Many a broad hint I got as to
the acceptable nature of such a present, but I was deaf to them all;
for I felt that Jean now belonged more to the ship's company than to
myself, and that there was a sort of obligation upon me neither to eat
her nor to give her away.
Under this tacit guarantee she gained so rapidly in size, fat, and
other accomplishments, that, on our return to China, after visiting
Loo Choo and other islands of the Japan Sea, the gentlemen of the
factory would hardly credit me that this huge monster was the same
animal. In talking of Jean's accomplishments, I must not be understood
to describe her as a learned pig; for she could neither play cards,
solve quadratic equations, nor perform any of those feats which
enchant and astonish the eyes of the citizens of London and elsewhere,
where many dogs and hogs are devoutly believed to be vested with a
degree of intelligence rather above than below the average range of
human intellect. Far from this, honest Jean could do little or nothing
more than eat, drink, sleep, and grunt; in which respects she was
totally unrivalled, and the effect of her proficiency in these
characteristic qualities became daily more manifest. At first, as I
have mentioned, when her name was called from any part of the ship,
she would caper along, and dash impetuously up to the group by whom
she was summoned. But after a time she became so excessively fat and
lazy that it required many a call to get her to move, and the offer of
a slice of pine-apple, or a handful of lychees, or even the delicious
mangosteen, was now hardly enough to make her open her eyes, though in
the early stages of the voyage she had been but too thankful for a
potato, or the skin of an apple. As she advanced in fatness, she lost
altogether the power of walking, and expected the men to bring the
good things of their table to her, instead of allowing her to come for
them.
At the time of Sir Murray Maxwell's attack on the batteries of Canton,
the Lyra, under my command, was lying at Macao, and during our stay
the brig was visited by many of the Chinese authorities. We were also
watched by a fleet of men-of-war junks, and had some reason to suppose
that we might have a brush with them. In that event, I think our worst
chance would have consisted in the enthusiasm with which the Chinese
admiral, captains, and crews, would have fought to have put themselves
in possession of such a prize as Jean.
While things were in this interesting position, I received orders to
get under weigh, and run up the Canton river to Wampoa. Off we set,
escorted by the Chinese fleet of a dozen sail of junks. The wind was
against us, but we soon beat up to the Bogue, and passed, unharmed,
the batteries, which, to use Lord Nelson's expression, Captain
Maxwell had made to look very like a plum-pudding. We had scarcely
anchored at Second Bar, in the midst of the grand fleet of tea ships,
when we were boarded by a host of Chinese mandarins and Hong
merchants, wearing all the variety of buttons by which ranks are
distinguished in that well-classified land. This was not to compliment
us, or to offer us assistance, or even to inquire our business. One
single object seemed to engage all their thoughts and animate the
curiosity of half the province of Quantung. The fame of our fat sow
Jean, in short, had far outrun the speed of the Lyra, and nothing was
heard on every hand but the wondering exclamations of the natives,
screaming out in admiration, "High-yaw! High-yaw!"
We had enough to do to clear the ship at night of these our visitors,
but we were by no means left in solitude; for the Lyra's anchorage was
completely crowded with native boats. The motive of all this attention
on the part of the Chinese was not merely pure admiration of Jean; the
fact is, the acute Chinese, skilled especially in hog's flesh, saw
very well that our pet pig was not long for this world, and knowing
that if she died a natural death, we should no more think of eating
her than one of our own crew; and having guessed also that we had no
intention of "killing her to save her life," they very reasonably
inferred that ere long this glorious _bonne bouche_ would be at their
disposal.
Our men, who soon got wind of this design on the part of the Chinese,
became quite outrageous against Fukee, as the natives are called, and
would hardly permit any visitors to come near their favourite, lest
they should accelerate her inevitable fate by poison. At length poor
dear Jean gave token of approaching dissolution; she could neither
eat, nor drink, nor even grunt; and her breathing was like that of a
broken bellows: in short, she died! Every art was taken to conceal the
melancholy event from the Chinese; but somehow or other it got abroad,
for the other English ships were deserted, and long before sunset a
dense mass of boats, like a floating town, was formed astern and on
both quarters of the Lyra.
The sailors now held a grand consultation as to what was to be done;
and after much discussion, and many neat and appropriate speeches, it
was unanimously resolved that the mortal remains of the great sow now
no more should be deposited in the mud of the river of Canton, in such
a way that the most dexterous and hungry inhabitant of the celestial
empire should not be able to fish her up again.
As soon as it was quite dark, and all the Chinese boats sent, as
usual, beyond the circle limited by the ship's buoys, the defunct
pig's friends set to work to prepare for her obsequies. The chief
object was to guard against the ravenous natives hearing the splash,
as she went overboard; and next, that she should not afterwards float
to the surface. The first point was easily accomplished, as will be
seen presently; but there was a long debate, in whispers, amongst the
men, as to the most expedient plan of keeping the body of their late
pet from once more showing her snout above the stream. At length, it
was suggested by the coxswain of one of the boats which had been sent
during the morning to sound the passage, that as the bed of the river
where the brig lay consisted of a deep layer of mud, it would be a
good thing if Jean's remains could be driven so far into this soft
stratum as to lie below the drags and hooks of the Chinese.
This advice was much applauded, and at once acted upon with that happy
facility of resource which it is the pride of the profession to have
always in store for small as well as for great occasions. The dead sow
was first laid on its back, and then two masses of iron ballast, being
placed one on each side of the cheek, were lashed securely to the neck
and shoulders in such a manner that the ends of the kentlage met
across her nose, and formed, as it was very properly called, an extra
snout for piercing the mud.
When all was ready, the midship carronade was silently dismounted, the
slide unbolted, and the whole removed out of the way. Jean's enormous
corporation being then elevated, by means of capstan bars and
handspikes, was brought on a level with the port-sill. A slip-rope was
next passed between her hind legs, which had been tied together at the
feet; and poor Miss Piggy, being gradually pushed over the ship's
side, was lowered slowly into the water. When fairly under the
surface, and there were no fears of any splash being caused by letting
her go, one end of the rope was cast off, upon which the well-loaded
carcass shot down perpendicularly at such a rate that there could be
no question of its being immersed a fathom deep, at least, in the mud,
and, of course, far beyond the reach of the disappointed Chinese!