TRICKS UPON TRAVELLERS.
A curious and vastly pleasing fashion prevails in that part of Ireland
where I was so nearly bewitched as almost to forget my ship, my
duties, and everything else, but beauty! When a party, such as I have
been describing, had passed a certain time together, they seldom broke
up entirely, but generally shifted, or emigrated in a body (flitted, I
think they used to call it) to the house of some one of their number.
Now and then various members of the group dropped off by the way, but
their places were presently filled up by others, who soon found their
way to the new hive when the well-known sounds of festivity were heard
in the neighbourhood.
In this manner the party, into which I had been so kindly admitted,
made several moves, with sundry losses and accessions to its numbers;
and as every day rendered this life more and more grateful, I could
scarcely bear to think of returning to the tame occupations and rugged
society of the frigate, the duties of which had so recently been my
greatest and most sincere delight. Meanwhile, since my good-natured
captain, and still better-natured messmates, made no difficulties
about this protracted absenteeism, I continued to involve myself
deeper and deeper at every step. I failed not to perceive at times
that I was getting into rather a dangerous scrape for a younger son
and a young officer, who had yet to work his own way in the world. But
as these reflections interfered rather impertinently with the
enjoyments of the hour, they were crushed down, and kept out of sight
as much as possible at that gay period.
What surprised me most, all this time, was the air of refinement and
high polish in the Irish society amongst which I was thus casually
thrown. I had previously entertained an idea that their hospitality,
proverbial in all parts of the world, was of a rude and rather
troublesome description. I found it, on the contrary, marked not only
by the strongest lines of sincerity and kindness, but by many of those
delicate touches of consideration for the feelings of others which
form the most indubitable symptoms of genuine good-breeding.
Instead of discovering that the stories were true about the sort of
compulsion used in matters of drinking, I can safely say that, during
the course of experience in joviality I went through in the north of
Ireland, I seldom met with anything at a gentleman's table approaching
even to exigence on this score. I do not deny that our friends the
Irish have a wonderfully winning way of insinuating their good cheer
upon us, and sometimes of inducing us to swallow more claret than is
perhaps good for us.
I landed once at Burncrana, a pretty quiet little village, with a
watering-place look, on the eastern banks of that great and beautiful
bay Lough Swilly. One side of this fine harbour is formed by the bold
promontory of Inishowen, celebrated in every land for its noble
whiskey, second only (which, as a Scotchman, I am bound to assert) to
Ferntosh or Glenlivet. I was accompanied by an English gentleman, on
the first day of his landing in Ireland. As he then seriously imagined
the inhabitants to belong to a sort of wild and uncouth race, I could
see he was rather surprised at the gentleman-like deportment of an
acquaintance of mine resident on the spot, for whom he had brought a
letter. We had walked together to his house, or rather cottage, for he
was not a fixed resident, but came there for summer quarters. The
neatness, and even elegance, of the domestic arrangements of his
temporary establishment, both without and within the dwelling, gave
token of a taste many degrees removed from the state of people far
back in civilization. Presently the ladies came; and their national
frankness, modified by the most entire and unaffected simplicity,
puzzled my friend completely. In due season the dressing-bell sent us
off to prepare for dinner; and while we were getting ready, my
companion said, "I see what this fellow is at: he means to sew you and
me up. You may do as you please; but I'll be shot if he plays off his
Irish pranks on me. I will eat his dinner, take a couple of glasses of
his wine, make my bow to the ladies, go on board by eight or nine
o'clock, and, having given them a dinner in return, shall have done my
duty in the way of attention; after which I shall totally cut the
connection. I have no idea of their abominable fashion of forcing
strangers to drink."
"We shall see," said I; and having knocked the dust off our shoes,
down we went to dinner.
Everything was plain, and suitable to the pretensions of a cottage.
There was no pressing to eat or drink during dinner; and in process of
time the cloth was removed, the Ladies sipped a little sweet wine, and
disappeared.
"Now for it," whispered my friend; "he has sent the women out of the
way, that he may ply us the better."
And I must own things looked rather suspicious; for our host, instead
of sitting down again at the dinner-table, walked to a bow-window
overlooking the anchorage, and exactly facing the setting sun, at that
hour illuminating the whole landscape in the gorgeous style peculiar
to combined mountain and lake scenery. "Why should we not enjoy this
pleasant prospect while we are discussing our wine?" said the master
of the house. At that instant the door opened, and in walked the
servant, as if he knew by intuition what was passing in his master's
head.
"Tim," said our host, "put the card-table here in the bow-window, and
give us some other glasses; also, if you have such a thing, bring up a
bottle of claret."
Tim nodded, smiled, and made the fitting adjustments. The table was
barely large enough to hold a noble long-corked bottle, for the
fashion of claret decanters had not as yet reached that remote
district of the empire. Round the margin was placed the necessary
accompaniment of capacious glasses--famous tall fellows, with such
slender stalks that they seemed scarcely equal to the weight of their
generous load.
My friend and I exchanged glances, and I could see his shoulders
slightly raised, as if he was saying internally, "Now we are in for
it! but I will not drink a drop more than I choose." The claret, which
in itself was most delicious, was cooled in perfect style. The party
consisted, I think, of four or five persons, and this one bottle, I
remember, just passed round the group twice. As the flavour of the
beverage appeared to have become more exquisite at the second turn
than at the first, though but a short interval had been allowed to
elapse, it seemed odd that another bottle was not instantly called
for. Instead of this our landlord went on expatiating on the beauties
of the Lough, and the fineness of the season in general, and the
sunset in particular, for full five minutes after the wine had
disappeared; when he suddenly said, with a half-hesitating tone,
towards my English friend, who sat at his elbow----
"I beg your pardon! perhaps you would take some more wine?"
As no one made any objection, the bell was rung, and Tim re-appeared,
bearing with him another bottle. This likewise vanished in a trice,
and Tim was again summoned. "Bring some more claret," said the master
to the man, or rather boy, as he was called, though twice as old as
any of the party.
At this instant I caught my companion's eye; and I could see he was
becoming alive to the plot against him, so much so, indeed, that he
seemed to be preparing to rise. The following conversation, however,
attracted his attention, and fixed him to his seat. "Well, Tim, what
are you gaping at? Why don't you run for the clar't?"
"I didn't know," replied the other, "whether you'd like to use the
whole of it."
"Use the whole of it!" exclaimed his master--"what does the boy mean?
Why, Tim, what are you at?"
"Oh, sir," quoth the well-instructed rogue, "as the wine you brought
was but little, I thought you might not wish to use it all entirely
to-day." And then he whispered something in his master's ear, the words
of which we could not distinguish. The reply, however, showed, or
seemed to show, what had been said. "Nonsense, Tim, nonsense! you're
an ass, man; bring it up."
Tim accordingly disappeared, but soon returned with a basket
apparently full of straw; at the bottom of which, however, after some
considerable show of hunting, a couple of bottles were said to be
found. "Confound you, Tim, is this all?" said the host.
"It is, sir," lied Tim; "and in faith, sir," added he, still lying,
"it's one more bottle than I thought; for there was but a dozen when
we started from Derry a week ago; and you know, sir, you and the
collector on last Tuesday"
But the catalogue of circumstances which were intended to act as
buttresses to Master Tim's inventions was cut short by a peremptory
order to leave the room. This he did so soon as he had made a
circumbendibus to escape notice, and deposited the basket behind his
master's chair, muttering, as he put it down with a thump, "There's a
couple of bottles of as good wine as ever was uncorked."
The fresh broach was indeed so delicious that we could hardly believe
it was of the same vintage as that of the previous bin, though our
host assured us it was "the identical." Tim's basket well merited a
higher eulogium than he had given it; but while his reputation as a
judge of wine rose, his character for veracity fell in about the same
proportion, since we beheld, in due season, not merely two, but three,
and at last a fourth long-necked gentleman from Bordeaux emerge from
under the straw!
The trick played upon us by these confederates was now apparent
enough; but the wine, fortunately, was of that light and pure kind
which does not produce much effect on strong heads, and that of my
companion was proof against far greater trials than this. He was
indeed perfectly aware of what was passing; and though dearly loving
the wine, which was superior to any he had ever before tasted, yet he
had no notion of being made tipsy by means of a common-place concert
between host and butler. He therefore rose to leave the room,
expecting, of course, to be forcibly detained, or, at all events,
being begged and entreated to sit down again. Not a whit! The wily
native merely observed to him that "if he had a mind to admire the
prospect, there was still daylight enough to command a view down the
bay from the little knoll on the right." The Englishman was sorely
puzzled by all this. There was none of the detention he expected would
be practised upon him, and yet he had a strong consciousness that he
was undergoing the operation well known afloat and ashore by the title
of "the game of humbug." At the same time, he felt the most eager
desire to take another good pull at the claret.
There was no wine before us at this critical juncture of the evening,
and our landlord, who, most unaccountably, seemed indifferent to this
material circumstance, went on prosing for a quarter-of-an-hour about
Protestant ascendancy, the eternal siege of Derry, the battle of the
Boyne, and such like stale topics. At length one of the company became
somewhat impatient, and, watching for a pause, asked his host if it
were the custom in Ireland to discuss Orange politics with empty
glasses?
"God bless me," cried the other, with well-feigned surprise, "is there
no wine on the table?" and ringing the bell furiously, scolded poor
Tim so naturally that the confederate was almost thrown out. "Well!
you numskull, why don't you make off with you, and bring something for
the gentlemen to drink?" Tim stood fast till interrogated a second
time, and then replied with perfect gravity that "there wasn't another
drop of wine in the house." Upon this the master got up in a rage, and
brushing past the servant, declared his intention of searching the
cellar himself. He was absent some time, and we had just prevailed on
our hesitating companion to sit down again, when, as if there had been
some electrical communication between his chair and the handle of the
door, it opened, and in walked our generous entertainer, exulting in
his success, crowing like chanticleer, and bearing in each hand a
couple of bottles, clicking against each other; while Tim, with a
degree of impudence equalled only by that of his master, substituted
clean glasses, of a still more capacious swallow than the first. To
these were added two pair of candles which towered high above the
jolly crew, and promised to last till another dawn should look in upon
our revels. By this time the twilight had almost entirely ebbed away,
and was succeeded by that cheerful, aurora-kind of brilliancy in the
sky, which points out the place of the sun during the whole of his
summer night's journey in those high latitudes. Politics dropped, for
the joyous juice of the grape soon melted us all into one mind; and a
hundred topics of more pleasing interest were started, in which the
strangers could join without fear of any angry discussion. The mirth
and animation of the company rose very pleasantly as each fresh bottle
found its way by some magical process to the table. But it became
rather difficult to tell who were the listeners amongst us, or to say
who was guest and who landlord, for the party seemed like a circle of
brothers, all equally at home.
This went on for an indefinite length of time, but I should be the
veriest conjuror on earth to say how long. Through the hazy atmosphere
of my recollection of that jolly evening, I remember that about eleven
o'clock, more or less, our host was enchanted almost beyond the power
of words by seeing his wine so much relished, and tickled also with
the success of his joke, in making his suspicious guest drink just as
much wine as he thought fit to impose. On this occasion, however, he
inverted the proverb, and reckoned without his guest; for, by one
imprudent remark, he had well-nigh torn the laurels from his brow.
"Well, sir!" he exclaimed, "although this is the first day you ever
set foot on the island, you have seen enough, I hope, to satisfy you
that we are not quite such savages as you supposed; liberty hall, you
see, is the true title of every Irish gentleman's dining-room: there's
no compulsion here, you must see very clearly." It was little that my
English friend could now see very clearly of anything; but the above
premature announcement of victory brought back all the stranger's
suspicions. Fired with this idea, he started on his feet, and eyeing
the door for a long time before he ventured on the voyage, with a bold
determination, and taking a good departure from his chair, he gained
his port. He had undoubtedly expected to be lugged back again; for he
whisked the tails of his coat out of reach, while, with his other hand
on the lock of the door, and swaying himself about from side to side,
like a ship in a calm, he stood the very image of tottering
equilibrium, as the mathematicians call it. Our adroit landlord, who
was not a man to shrink from difficulties, mustered to his aid all the
resources of a long well-practised hospitality, and gallantly met this
great occasion. His devices were, probably, exhausted; so he took
another line, and called out, "Oh, you're off, are you? Very
well--you'll find the ladies in the drawing-room. I think I hear the
tinkle of the piano: I prefer the tinkle of the glass. Pray tell the
damsels we are coming by-and-bye: mind you say 'by-and-bye.' I don't
like to be too particular, for fear of seeming rude: don't you see?"
This speech was wound up by a telegraphic flourish of the hand towards
Tim, who stood near, with a bottle between his feet, the screw buried
in the cork, and his body bent to the effort, which he only delayed to
exercise till ordered by his master to pull. "Out with him, man! out
with the cork!" cried the host. The loud report which succeeded rang
over the apartment like the sweetest music to the souls of the ever
thirsty company. Tim's thunder was echoed back by a truly
bacchanalian shout, such as nothing on earth can give proper emphasis
to, except a double allowance of claret. The Englishman, fairly
subdued by the sound, glided again to the table; then seizing his
brimming glass in one hand, and grasping the fist of his merry host in
the other, he roared out,--
"You really are an uncommon good fellow; and hang me if ever I
distrust an Irishman again as long as I live!"
But within three minutes afterwards this promise was broken; for as
soon as we had discussed the bottle which the incomparable Tim had so
opportunely introduced, the master of the house, seeing us at length
quite at his mercy, and eager to go on, rose, and said, to our great
amaze,--
"Come! we've had wine enough; let's join the ladies in the next room."
The disappointed company stared at one another, and loudly proclaimed
that it was not fair to limit them in this way. The Englishman, in
particular, wished to remain; but our host was inexorable. Meanwhile,
Timothy grinned from ear to ear; familiar with his master's tricks
upon travellers; and the landlord deliberately opening the door,
marched off the field of battle with flying colours.
As we moved along to the drawing-room, my companion whispered to me,--
"I must own I have been rightly served for my suspicions. I made quite
certain of being bullied into drinking more than was agreeable to me;
but it turns out," added he, laughing, "quite the reverse; for I
cannot get a drop of wine, now that I want it."
"Well! well!" cried our hospitable friend, who overheard the
conclusion of this remark, "you shall do as you please ever after this
evening."
He then showed us to a couple of snug rooms, which he said were ours,
as long as we chose to occupy them.
For myself, I went off to the Giant's Causeway in the course of next
day; and on returning, at the end of a week, found that my friend,
instead of cutting the connection, according to promise, had not been
once out of sight of the house, and had never been asked to drink a
bottle, or even a glass, more than he liked. He declared, indeed, that
he had rarely met, in any country, with persons so truly hospitable,
or more gentleman-like, in the truest sense of these words.