"Once I were a waiter. Never again. It was like this here--
"At that time I was fresh from the country--ah! I was fresh--and I was
in a situation along with old Bob Perkins, what kep' a greengrocer's
shop in the 'Ampstead Road. One day Mr. Perkins says to me:
"'Brocklebank,' he says, 'would you like to do a little job of
waiting?' I knew as he went out acting as waiter at private parties
and such like, so I says:
"'I don't mind,' I says; 'not that I knows anything about it, if that
don't make no odds.
"'Lor', no! that don't make no odds,' he says. 'It's only the
cloak-room you'll have to look after, and you'll get 'alf-a-crown and
your grub for doin' it.'
"'Cloak-room?' I says. 'What's that?' 'Why,' he says, 'where the gents
puts their 'ats and coats and umbrellas.' 'I'm on,' I says. 'I
shouldn't be surprised if I was able to keep a heye upon a humbrella;
I should think that was about my style.' But I were wrong, as I'm
a-goin' to tell yer.
"In the evening I went up with Mr. Perkins to a house in the Camden
Road. I had on a old dress suit of Perkins's, which wasn't no sort
of fit, seeing as how he was fifty-two in the waist and I was
twenty-five. Mrs. Perkins, she'd what she called 'caught the trousers
up' in the back, and she said as no one would see me it would be all
right, which I hoped it would be. It didn't feel all right, I tell you
that.
"When me and Mr. Perkins got up to the house they put me straight away
into a little band-box of a cupboard sort of place, where there was
some shelves and some 'ooks and some pieces of paper, with numbers
on--the same number on two pieces of paper--and a box of pins.
The servant girl as shows me in says--a saucy piece of goods she
was!--'There you are! and I hope you're more 'andy than you looks,
because if you mixes of the things there'll be excitement.' Mr.
Perkins, he'd told me what I'd have to do as we was coming along, so I
wipes my 'ot 'and upon his breeches, and I 'opes for the best.
"Presently the people begins a-coming to the party. A young gent, he
comes up to me, and he 'ands me his overcoat, and a billycock 'at, and
a silk scarf, and a umbrella, and a pair of india-rubber shoes, and I
was floored at once; because Mr. Perkins had told me that I was to pin
one number to whatever a gent gave me, and I was to give him the same
number, so that he might know it by that number when he came again. So
when this young gent gave me all that lot of articles I began pinning
one number to his 'at--it was a 'ard 'at and not easy to drive a pin
in--and another to his overcoat, and another to his umbrella, and
another to his shoes, and another to his scarf--as I'd understood Mr.
Perkins to tell me. But this here young gent, he wouldn't have it. He
wanted me to pin one number to the lot of them; and as I was a-arguing
with him, and tryin' to understand how he made out as I could do that,
seeing as how the pins was little ones, and the numbers not large ones
neither, a lot of other gents came up, and this here young gent he got
quite red in the face, and he snatched a number out of my hand and he
walked off, and he left me staring.
"Well I got on pretty well, considerin', so long as the people didn't
come too fast. But I tell you, if you're not used to pins, they're
more difficult to manage than you might think. You never know where
you're driving of them. I know that, what with the 'eat and the 'aste,
some being all of a flurry, I drove more of them into my 'ands than I
quite liked. And I soon saw that that there box of pins wouldn't never
last me long, seein' as how I bent three out of every two, so as I
couldn't use 'em--not to speak of others I dropped and couldn't stop
to find.
"But, as I was a-sayin', I got on somehow, and I daresay I should have
got on, somehow, to the end, if it hadn't been that I was fresh from
the country. Of course, I didn't know what gentlefolk wear, and one
'at was like another 'at to me--and that was where I was deceived. One
gent fair took me aback. He came in with a 'igh top-'at on his 'ead,
and when he took it off he put one end against his chest and he gave
it a sort of a shove, and he squashed it as flat as my 'and. I tell
you, I stared. I thought he'd been having a drop to drink, and had
busted his brand new 'at for a sort of a joke. But he seemed to be
sober enough, so far as I could see, and he didn't seem to mind
what he'd done to his 'at, not a little bit. Presently another gent
came alone, and he done the same to his top-'at. Then another, and
another--in fact, a whole crowd of them. And there was me,
a-perspiring like one o'clock, with Perkins's breeches a-coming undone
where his old woman had caught 'em up at the back, a-standing in the
middle of a lot of squashed 'igh 'ats, what was lying all over the
place. So I began to see that there was more in the nature of a 'igh
'at than I'd supposed.
"Bless you! there wasn't nearly room for all the things that these
gents kept a-handing me, and unless I took to standin' on 'em, I
didn't see what I was to do. So when there came a sort of a lull like
I looks round to see how I could make a bit of room. 'Alf them gents
hadn't squashed in their 'igh 'ats, like the other gents 'ad done, and
I sees at once as how they were takin' up more than their fair share
of space. So I makes up my mind to squash 'em for 'em, and I sets
about a-doin' it. I takes up a 'igh 'at what a old gent had just
a-give me--a beautiful shiny one it was--and I sets it against my
stomach and I starts a-'eavin'. I'd no idea it'd be so 'ard. Them
other gents had seemed to squash theirs easy, but this 'ere one took
some shovin'. And, when it did go, it went all lop-sided like. I had
to sit on it before it'd lie down flat.
"I had my 'and full, I tell you, squashin' all them 'igh 'ats. There
was forty of 'em, if there was one. Fair 'ard work I found it. I
supposed there was some knack about the thing as I 'adn't yet caught.
And when I'd finished the lot I took a squint at 'em. If you'll
believe me, a shiver went up and down my back. Somehow I didn't like
the way as they was lookin'. There was a crumpled sort of look about
'em which didn't seem like as it ought to be. I was a-perspirin' all
over. Perkins's breeches had come undone behind, and was 'anging about
me anyhow; my collar had come unpinned at the back of my shirt; the
bow that Mrs. Perkins had give me for a necktie had worked loose in
front. A lot of them articles hadn't got no numbers on, and most of
them as had I felt certain as I'd given to the wrong parties; and,
altogether, I began to wish as how I hadn't come.
"Presently the old gent as had given me the 'igh 'at as I had
started squashin' came up to the door. He was a tall old gent, very
fierce-lookin', with a long white moustache--a regular toff. As he'd
been the last to come, and it seemed as how he was goin' to be the
first to go, it looked as if he had soon had enough of the party.
'Give me my 'at,' he says.
"I knew which was his 'at, though it 'adn't got no number. I had good
reason to. So I routed it out from under a 'eap of others. He looks at
it, and then he looks at me.
"'That's not my 'at,' he says.
"'Excuse me, sir,' I says, 'it is your 'at--leastways, it's the one as
you gave to me.'
"He looks at the 'at again, and then again he looks at me, and all of
a sudden he went quite red in the face.
"'Mine was a new 'at!'
"'Yes, sir,' I says; 'so I thought, sir, when you gave it me. It
didn't look as though it 'adn't never been worn. If you try this 'at
on, sir, you will find, sir, as it's yours.'
"Then he takes the 'at out of my 'and, lookin' at me once more,
searchin' like, and he turns it round and round, and he squints inside
of it.
"'As I'm alive,' he says, 'I do believe it's mine!'
"I says,' I'm sure, sir, as how it is. I noticed it most particular.'
"'But, good 'evins!' he says, 'whatever 'ave you been a-doing to it?'
"'I've only been a-squashin' of it, sir,' I says.
"'Only been a-squashin' of it!' he says, and he gives a kind of gasp.
'Are you drunk, man?'
"'No, sir,' I says, 'and that I'm not. I haven't had so much as 'alf a
pint since I've been inside this 'ouse!' Which I 'adn't, and my throat
was gettin' regular parched.
"He did flare out!
"'Then if you're not drunk, man,' he says, 'what the devil do you mean
by tellin' me that you've only been a-squashin' of a brand new 'at?'
He gives another squint inside of it. ''Ang me if it doesn't look as
if he'd been a-sitting down upon the thing!'
"'I had to,' I says, 'to make it stay down flat.'
"I thought he would have had a fit.
"'My God!' he says,' what sort of a place is it that I've got into?'
Then he uses language what I'd always been taught was most unbecomin'
to anyone what called 'imself a gentleman. 'You damned scoundrel,
you!' he says. 'If you was my servant I'd have you sent to gaol for
this! I might have expected that something would come of ever entering
such a dog-'ole of a 'ouse! Take the 'at, you 'ound, and be damned to
you!'
"And if he didn't throw his own 'at into my face with such violence as
not only to break the skin right off my nose, where it 'appened to 'it
me, but as to make me feel for the moment as if I had gone silly. When
I come to myself, as it were, if he hadn't gone right into the street,
for all I knew, and left his 'at behind him. As I was thinkin' what I
ought to do--for I ain't accustomed to havin' 'igh 'ats chucked in my
face as if they were brickbats, not even at a party--three other gents
came 'astening up--young ones, they was.
"''Ats, waiter!' they says. 'We're in a 'urry'--which I could see they
was.
"'What is your numbers, gentlemen?' I says.
"'You never give us none,' says they.
"'In that case, gentlemen,' I says, 'I shall have to ask you for to be
so good as to choose your own 'ats.'
"So I takes up in both my 'ands a 'eap of squashed 'igh 'ats and I
'olds 'em out to 'em. You should have seen their faces! First they
looks at me, and then they looks at each other. Then one of them gives
a sort of grin.
"'Ain't you made some sort of mistake?' he says.
"'As 'ow?' I says.
"'Ours was 'igh 'ats,' he says.
"'Well, and ain't these 'igh 'ats?' I says.
"Then again they looks at me, and again they looks at each other; and
another one, he speaks--a short, puffy young fellow he was, with curly
'air.
"'They looks to me as if they was low 'ats,' he says; 'uncommon low--I
never saw none look lower.'
"All three laughs. What at was more than I could say. I didn't know
what to make of 'em. There was they a-starin' at me, and there was I
a-starin' at them, with both my arms 'eaped up with them there 'ats.
Then the third one, he has a go--a stylish-lookin' chap. He was very
'an'some, like you sees in the barbers' shops.
"'Waiter,' he says, 'are you a-'avin' a game with us?'
"'A game, sir?' I says. 'Beggin' your pardon, sir, I'm not 'avin' no
game with no one. Do I look as if I was?'
"Which I didn't feel it, I can tell you that.
"'Well,' he says, 'I asks you for my 'at, and you offers me my choice
of them leavings from a rag-and-bone shop; so, if you ain't a-'avin' a
game with me, I don't know what you are a-'avin'.'
"'Come, waiter!' says the one as had spoken first; 'didn't we tell you
as 'ow we was in a 'urry? Let us 'ave our 'ats. Don't keep on playing
the fool with us!'
"'You must excuse me, gentlemen,' I says, speaking a trifle
warmish--because, as you'll understand, I was beginning to feel a
little badgered like; 'if anyone's a-playin' the fool it seems to
me--asking of your leave--as it's you as is playin' the fool with me!'
"'Us as is playin' the fool with you?' they says, all together, as it
might be.
"'Eggsactly,' I says. 'That is what I says,' I says, 'and that is what
I means,' I says. 'First, you asks me for to give you your 'ats; and
then, when I offers you some 'ats for you to take what is your own,
you starts a-larfin'. If, as you says, you're in a 'urry, perhaps
you'll step inside and cast your eyes around, and point out which is
your 'ats. You can take which ones you please for all I care; I'm sure
you're very welcome.'
"With that they stepped in. When they was in, and I was in, there
wasn't much room left for anything but breathin', and 'ardly room
enough for that.
"'Where is the 'igh 'ats?' says the stylish-lookin' feller.
"'Where is your eyes?' I says. 'Ain't they all over the place? Why,
you're a-steppin' on one now!'
"You should have seen the 'op he gave!
"'These 'ats,' he says, 'from what I can see of 'em--which isn't
much--looks to me as if they had all been squashed.'
"'Of course they has!' I says. ''Ow do you suppose I was a-goin' to
find room for them if they wasn't? This ain't the Halbit 'All, and yet
it ain't the Crystal Pallis!'
"Then they looks at each other again; and, from the way in which they
done it, I felt as 'ow there was something which wasn't altogether
what it ought to be. So I goes on--
"'If them 'ats hasn't been squashed eggsactly as they ought to have
been squashed, that ain't my fault,' I says. 'You ought to have
squashed them for yourselves, as the other gents done. I don't know
nothing about the squashin' of 'igh 'ats, and I never laid myself out
as knowin' nothing. I just put them against my chest and I gives 'em a
shove, and then I sits on 'em to make 'em lay down flat. That's all I
done!'
"While I was speakin' I could see them there young gents' mouths was
gettin' wider and wider open, and when I stopped they burst out
larfin' fit to split. What there was to larf at was more than I could
see. All I knew was, that I wished I 'adn't never come. They staggered
out into the 'all, and the curly-'eaded one, he cries out:
"'Oh, Sheepshanks, do come 'ere!' Then a cove comes up, as I found out
afterwards was the bloke as was a-givin' the party. 'Oh, Sheepshanks!'
says this young feller; 'if he ain't squashed them just eggsactly as
they ought to have been squashed, don't you blame him. He never laid
himself out as knowin' nothing about the squashin' of 'igh 'ats, but
he's done his best--he's sat down upon them to make them lie down
flat! Oh, Lord! Someone put a piece of ice down my back, afore I die!'
"This 'ere curly-'eaded young feller kep' on larfin' so I thought he
would have bust. Mr. Sheepshanks, he comes up to me, lookin' a bit
pinky. 'What's the matter? What's the meanin' of this?' he says.
"'Oh!' says the curly-'eaded young feller, still a-bustin' of 'isself
a-larfin'; 'nothing! That waiter of yours has only been a-squashin'
the 'igh 'ats--every man-jack of 'em. For goodness sake ask him about
them--don't ask me! My gracious! why don't someone bring that piece of
ice?'
"Mr. Sheepshanks, he came into the little band-box of a room, looking
pinkier and pinkier. He looks at some 'ats which I was a-'oldin' in my
'ands.
"'What have you been a-doin' to those 'ats?' he says.
"'I've only been a-squashin' 'em,' I says; 'that's all!'
"'You've only been a-squashin' 'em?' he says--and he gives a kind of
gasp, like as if he was taken short of breath upon a sudden. And he
looks about the room.
"'What 'ats are these?' he says.
"'They is the 'ats,' I says, 'what was given to me by the gents as is
at the party.'
"He gives another sort of gasp, and there came something into his face
what I didn't altogether like the look of.
"'Who's been a-destroyin' of 'em?' he says.
"'No one ain't been a-destroyin' of 'em,' I says. 'I've only been
a-sittin' on 'em to make 'em lie down flat.'
"'Oh!' he says, short and sharp like. 'Is that all you have been
a-doin'? And what sort of a drunken idiot may you be, pray?'
"'I'm not drunk,' I says, 'seein' as 'ow I haven't even seen the sight
of liquor since I've been inside this blessed 'ouse. And, as for
idiot, I ain't so much of a idiot, perhaps, as you are'; for I didn't
care who he was, nor yet what he was. I'd had about enough of being
bully-ragged.
"'May I venture to ask who brought you here?' he says.
"'No one brought me 'ere,' I says, 'seein' as 'ow I came along of Mr.
Perkins, to oblige him; and now I wish I hadn't, and so I tell you
straight.'
"'I also,' he says,' am inclined to wish you hadn't.'
"Very hard and stern he was. I didn't like the look of him, nor yet
the sound of him. 'Send Perkins to me,' he says. Presently Mr.
Perkins, he comes 'urryin' up.
"'Perkins,' says Mr. Sheepshanks, 'what scoundrel is this you have
brought into my 'ouse?'
"'It's only a young man from the country, sir,' says Perkins, 'as I
brought with me to 'elp in the cloak-room. I do 'ope he has been doin'
of nothing wrong?'
"And he gives me a glare out of his eye, like as if I had been doin'
anything to him.
"'I don't know if you're a-thinkin',' says this 'ere Mr. Sheepshanks,
a-puffin' and a-pantin', as it seemed to me, with rage, 'that I asked
my friends to my 'ouse to have their 'ats destroyed; because your
young man, as you says is from the country--and I 'opes to goodness as
'ow he'll soon go back to it!--has done for every one of 'em.'
"'I denies it!' I says. 'I tells you again, as I tells you afore, that
I've only been a-squashin' of 'em and a-sittin' on 'em to make 'em lie
down flat!'
"When I says that, the way Mr. Perkins goes on at me was what I never
had expected. He abused me scandalous. He took me by the neck, and he
'ustled me into the 'all. And there was all the people what was at the
party a-crowdin' on the stairs. If you'll believe me, before I 'ardly
knew what 'ad 'appened, I found myself a-standin'...!'
"Yes, that were the first time ever I acted as a waiter--likewise, it
was the very last.
"When I goes round to put the 'orse ready for market, his missus, she
meets me at the door. She gives me the money that was due to me, and
she says as 'ow she didn't think as 'ow I had better stay for to have
a talk with Perkins, because as 'ow he might be violent. So I didn't.
And I've never set eyes on him from that day to this.
"It was some time before I quite understood what it was had made the
gents what was at that there party so excited. One day, comin' along a
street near the Strand, I sees in a shop window a 'igh 'at what was
a-shuttin' of itself up and a-openin' of itself out without, so far as
I could see, no one a-doin' nothing to it. Some sort of machinery, I
expect as 'ow it was. So I stops and I takes a look at it. There was a
boy a-lookin' at it too. So I says to him--
"'What kind of a 'at do you call that?' I says.
"'It's a hopera 'at, ain't it?' he says. 'Who do you think as you're
a-gettin' at?'
"I wasn't a-gettin' at no one, and it was like that there boy's
impudence to suppose as 'ow I was.
"'Oh! a hopera 'at, is it?' I says. 'You don't 'appen to know if
that's the same as a 'igh 'at, do you?'
"'A 'igh 'at!' he says. 'Go on! Ax your grandmother! P'r'aps your
mother 'ardly knows you're out! Go and prig the parish pump and pop it
with a peeler!'
"And that there boy, he 'ooks it. And it was well for him he did. If I
had a-got my 'ands on him he'd have known it. But, from the way in
which that 'at was a-goin' on in that there window, and from what that
there boy says, I took it that there was two kinds of 'igh 'ats--the
hopera kind and the other kind. And, in supposin' that the other kind
could be squashed in, like the hopera kind, was just where I had made
my error."