I answer, to lower those lofty and extravagant thoughts which are
usually incident to that condition; for wisdom in conjunction with
prosperity is a rare talent and the lot of but few. Therefore most
men stand in need of a borrowed prudence, to depress the tumors that
attend an exuberant felicity; but when the turn of Fortune itself has
abated the swelling, a man’s very circumstances are sufficient of
themselves to read him a lecture of repentance, so that all other grave
and austere corrections are then superfluous and impertinent; and it
is on the contrary more proper in such traverses of Fortune to enjoy
the company of a compassionate friend,[122] who will administer some
comfort to the afflicted and buoy him up under the pressure of his
affairs. So Xenophon relates that the presence of Clearchus, a person
of a courteous and obliging aspect, gave new life and courage to his
soldiers in the heat of a battle or any other difficult rencounter.
But he who chides and upbraids a man in distress, like him who applies
a medicine for clearing the sight to a distempered and inflamed eye,
neither works a cure nor allays the pain, but only adds anger to his
sorrows and exasperates the patient. A man in health indeed will digest
a friendly lecture for his wenching, drinking, idleness, continual
recreations and bathing, or unseasonable eating; but for a sick man
to be told that all this comes of his intemperance, voluptuousness,
high feeding, or whoring, is utterly insupportable and worse than the
disease itself. O impertinent man! will such a one say, the physicians
prescribe me castor and scammony, and I am just making my last will
and testament, and do you lie railing and preaching to me lectures
of philosophy? And thus men in adversity stand more in need of our
humanity and relief than of sharp and sententious reprimands. For
neither will a nurse immediately scold at her child that is fallen,
but first help him up, wash him, and put him in order again, and
then chide and whip him. They tell us a story to this purpose of
Demetrius Phalereus, that, when he dwelt an exile at Thebes in mean
beggarly circumstances, he was once extremely concerned to observe
the philosopher Crates making towards him, expecting to be treated by
him with all the roughness of a cynical behavior. But when Crates had
addressed himself courteously to him, and discoursed him upon the point
of exile, endeavoring to convince him that it had nothing miserable or
uneasy in it, but on the contrary rather rescued him from the nice and
hazardous management of public affairs,—advising him withal to repose
his confidence in himself and his own conscience,—Demetrius was so
taken and encouraged by his discourse, that he is reported to have said
to his friends, Cursed be those employs which robbed me so long of the
acquaintance of such an excellent person. For
Soft, friendly words revive th’ afflicted soul;
But sharp rebukes are only for a fool.
And this is the way of generous and ingenuous friends. But they who
servilely admire you in prosperity,—like old fractures and sprains,
which (as Demosthenes[123] speaks) always ache and pain us when
some fresh disease has befallen the body,—stick close to you in the
revolution of your fortune, and rejoice and enjoy the change. Whereas,
if a man must needs have a remembrancer of a calamity which his own
indiscretion hath pulled upon him, it is enough you put him in mind
that he owes it not to your advice, for you often dissuaded him from
the undertaking.[124]
29. Well then, you say, when is a keen reprehension allowable, and when
may we chide a friend severely indeed? I answer, when some important
occasion requires it, as the stopping him in the career of his
voluptuousness, anger, or insolence, the repressing his covetous humor
or any other foolish habit. Thus dealt Solon with Croesus, puffed up
and debauched with the uncertain greatness of his fortune, when he
bade him look to the end. Thus Socrates humbled Alcibiades, forced him
into unfeigned tears, and turned his heart, when he argued the case
with him. Such, again, were the remonstrances and admonitions of Cyrus
to Cyaxares, and of Plato to Dion, who, when the lustre and greatness
of his achievements had fixed all men’s eyes upon him, wished him to
beware of arrogance and self-conceit, as the readiest way to make all
men abandon him. And Speusippus wrote to him, not to pride himself in
the little applauses of women and children, but to take care to adorn
Sicily with religion, justice, and wholesome laws, that he might render
the Academy great and illustrious. So did not Euctus and Eulaeus,
two of Perseus’s favorites; who fawned upon and complied with him as
obsequiously as any courtier of them all during the success of his
arms, but after his defeat at Pydna by the Romans inveighed bitterly
against him, reminding him of his past faults, till the man out of
mere anger and vexation stabbed them both on the spot. And so much
concerning the timing our reproofs in general.
30. Now there are several other accidental occasions administered
by our friends themselves, which a person heartily solicitous for
their interest will lay hold of. Thus some have taken an opportunity
of censuring them freely from a question they have asked, from the
relation of a story, or the praise or dispraise of the same actions in
other men which they themselves have committed.
Thus, they tell us, Demaratus coming from Corinth into Macedonia when
Philip and his queen and son were at odds, and being after a gracious
reception asked by the king what good understanding there was among the
Grecians, replied, as being an old friend and acquaintance of his, Aye,
by all means, sir, it highly becomes your majesty to enquire about the
concord betwixt the Athenians and Peloponnesians, when you suffer your
own family to be the scene of so much discord and contention. And as
pert was that of Diogenes, who, entering Philip’s camp as he was going
to make war upon the Grecians, was seized upon and brought before the
king, who not knowing him asked him if he was a spy. Why, yes truly,
said he, I am a spy upon your folly and imprudence, who without any
necessity upon you are come hither to expose your kingdoms and your
life to the uncertain decision of the cast of a die. This may perhaps
seem a little too biting and satirical.
31. Another seasonable opportunity of reproving your friend for his
vices is when some third person has already mortified him upon the same
account. For a courteous and obliging man will dexterously silence his
accuser, and then take him privately to task himself, advising him—if
for no other reason, yet to abate the insolence of his enemies—to
manage himself more prudently for the future. For how could they open
their mouths against you, what could they have to reproach you with,
if you would but reform such and such vices which render you obnoxious
to their censure? And by this means the offence that was given lies at
his door who roughly upbraided him; whilst the advantage he reaps is
attributed to the person who candidly advised him. But there are some
who have got yet a genteeler way of chiding, and that is, by chastising
others for faults which they know their friends really stand guilty
of. As my master Ammonius, perceiving once at his afternoon lecture
that some of his scholars had dined more plentifully than became the
moderation of students, immediately commanded one of his freedmen
to take his own son and whip him. For what? says he. The youngster,
forsooth, must needs have vinegar sauce to his meat; and with that
casting his eye upon us, he gave us to understand that we likewise were
concerned in the reprehension.
32. Again, we must be cautious how we rebuke a friend in company,
always remembering the repartee made upon Plato on that account. For
Socrates having fallen one day very severely upon an acquaintance of
his at table, Plato could not forbear to take him up, saying, Had it
not been more proper, sir, to have spoken these things in private? To
which Socrates instantly replied, And had it not been more proper for
you to have told me so in private too? And they say, Pythagoras one
time ranted a friend of his so terribly before company, that the poor
young man went and hanged himself; from which time the philosopher
would never chide any man in the presence of another. For the discovery
and cure of a vice, like that of a scandalous disease, ought to be in
secret, and not like a public show transacted upon the theatre; for it
is no way the part of a friend, but a mere cheat and trick, for one man
to recommend himself to the standers-by and seek for reputation from
the failures of another, like mountebank chirurgeons, who perform their
operations on a stage to gain the greater practice. But besides the
disgrace that attends a reproof of this nature (a thing that will never
work any cure), we are likewise to consider that vice is naturally
obstinate and loves to dispute its ground. For what Euripides says is
true not only of love,
The more ’tis checked, the more it presses on,
but of any other imperfection. If you lay a man open publicly for it
and tell all, you are so far from reforming him that you force him
to brave it out. And therefore, as Plato advises that old men who
would teach the younger fry reverence should learn to revere them
first, so certainly modestly to reprimand is the way to meet with a
modest return. For he who warily attacks the criminal works upon his
good nature by his own, and so insensibly undermines his vices. And
therefore it would be much more proper to observe the rule in Homer
To whisper softly in the ear,
Lest standers-by should chance to hear.[125]
But above all, we ought not to discover the imperfections of an husband
before his wife, nor of a father before his children, nor of a lover in
company of his mistress, nor of masters in presence of their scholars,
or the like; for it touches a man to the quick to be rebuked before
those whom he would have think honorably of him. And I verily believe
that it was not so much the heat of the wine as the sting of too public
a reprehension, that enraged Alexander against Clitus. And Aristomenes,
Ptolemy’s preceptor, lost himself by awaking the king, who had dropped
asleep one time at an audience of foreign embassadors; for the court
parasites immediately took this occasion to express their pretendedly
deep resentments of the disgrace done his majesty, suggesting that,
if indeed the cares of the government had brought a little seasonable
drowsiness upon him, he might have been told of it in private, but
should not have had rude hands laid upon his person before so great an
assembly; which so affected the king, that he presently sent the poor
man a draught of poison, and made him drink it up. And Aristophanes
says, Cleon blamed him for railing at Athens before strangers,[126]
whereby he incensed the Athenians against him. And therefore they
who aim at the interest and reformation of their friends rather than
ostentation and popularity, ought amongst other things to beware of
exposing them too publicly.
Again, what Thucydides[127] makes the Corinthians say of themselves,
that they were persons every way qualified for the reprehension of
other men, ought to be the character of every one who sets up for a
monitor. For, as Lysander replied upon a certain Megarian, who in a
council of allies and confederates had spoken boldly in behalf of
Greece, This style of yours, sir, needs a state to back it; so he who
takes upon him the liberty of a censor must be a man of a regular
conversation himself,—one like Plato, whose life was a continued
lecture to Speusippus, or Xenocrates, who, casting his eye one time
upon the dissolute Polemon at a disputation, reformed him with the very
awfulness of his looks. Whereas the remonstrance of a lewd whiffling
fellow will certainly meet with no better entertainment than that of
the old proverbial repartee,