A letter which is to be shown, as a letter of introduction or

recommendation, ought never to be sealed, since the bearer ought

necessarily to know the contents. But to seal it without having first

allowed the bearer to read it, would be very impolite. You should prove

to the person recommended, that you have spared no pains to render him a

service.

It is only conscripts, and peasants, who fold a letter like an

apothecary's packet, who omit to press the wafer with a seal, or secure

it by pricking it in every part with the point of a pin.

We never seal petitions which are to be presented to the king, and to

the members of the royal family.

Some distinguished persons are flattered in writing to them, by our

omitting to designate precisely their address. It is an error; we should

indicate with exactness the town, and the province, state, &c. if there

is more than one town of the same name. In a large city, it is well to

write the name of the street and number, and the quarter of the city

where the street is. People of business, abbreviate this by putting N

and the number, or the number alone; this practice is more expeditious

than polite.

We generally address a letter to one person only; but in certain cases

we may address to two or more collectively.

It is well to add to the name, the title or profession, in order to

prevent mistake. However, if circumstances have obliged any one of your

acquaintance to act in an inferior situation, it would be a want of

delicacy to join to his name that of his business.

When we write to the king, we put simply in the address, _To the King_.

To foreign kings we say, _To his Catholic Majesty_, _his Britannic

Majesty_, &c.

To persons who have the title of highness, we say, _To his Highness_,

and then their quality or rank. To ministers and ambassadors, we say,

_To his Excellency, the Minister_, or _Ambassador_. If a person has many

titles, we select the highest, and omit the others.

In billets, we put the date at the top of the paper, and begin the

letter about two inches below. The word _Sir_ is put in the first line.

We conclude with one of these phrases, _I am, Sir, yours_; _I am

entirely yours_, &c. We do not write a billet to ladies, or to

superiors, as this was introduced only to avoid ceremony.

The most familiar billets are written in the third person, contrary to

the common practice. They contain very little, and begin thus, _Mr._ or

_Madam N present their respects_, or _compliments, to Mr. Such-a-one,

and request_, &c. After having made the request, we end with, _and he

will oblige his humble servant_.

In this kind of billets, it is best not to use the pronoun _he_ or

_she_, for independently of the incivility, it might result in

confusion. Sometimes it would be difficult to know whether the pronoun

referred to the person who received the letter, or to the one who wrote

it.

I shall conclude this chapter by an observation relative to friendly and

familiar letters; not that I have the folly to pretend to regulate by

any ceremonial, the sentiments of the heart; but there is in reality

nothing more cold and ridiculous, than accumulations of epithets like

these, _Your tender, sincere and constant friend_, &c.

[16] See page 137.

CHAPTER VIII.

_Additional Rules in respect to the Social Relations._

I include under this name, everything relating to friendly attentions,

such as services, loans, presents, advice, and also things in relation

to discretion, such as respect in conversation, letters, secrets,

confidential communications, &c.

SECTION I.

_Of an Obliging Deportment._

Polite persons are necessarily obliging. A smile is always on their

lips, an earnestness in their countenance, when we ask a favor of them.

They know that to render a service with a bad grace, is in reality not

to render it. If they are obliged to refuse a favor, they do this with

mildness and delicacy; they express such feeling regret, that they still

inspire us with gratitude; in short, their conduct appears so perfectly

natural, that it really seems that the opportunity which is offered them

of obliging us, is obliging themselves; they refuse all our thanks,

without affectation or effort.

This amiable character, a necessary attendant of perfect good breeding,

is not always found with all its charms, in the world. There are

besides, some obliging persons, who force us to extort their services,

who feel of great consequence, who like to be supplicated and thanked to

excess. Do not imitate them: they make us ungrateful in spite of

ourselves, they make gratitude a pain and a burden. When one asks of you

any favor, reply kindly, "I am at your service, and shall be very happy

to render you any assistance in my power;" or else, with a sad manner,

lament that there is such an obstacle, &c. Then examine the means of

overcoming the obstacle, even if you should be assured beforehand that

none exists.

Other persons, pretending to be polite, make protestations of their

services and zeal, without taking the trouble to abide by their offers

when an occasion is afforded them: so great is their trifling in this

respect that they can be justly compared to those false heroes who are

always talking of fighting, and who would be put to flight at the sight

of a drawn sword. These indications of zeal are suspicious, when they

are employed every moment and without any reason; a knowledge of the

world teaches us to discern them, and to give them that degree of

confidence which they merit. Sometimes we can congratulate persons,

wish them well, and have the appearance of taking an interest in the

recital which they are making of their affairs, without really feeling

the least interest for them. We cannot always command our indifference

in this respect, but we are obliged to spare them that constraint and

ennui, which would infallibly be shown if we should manifest to them the

coldness which they inspire. It belongs to those persons who know the

world, not to confound this politeness, with the pretended zeal of the

Don Quixottes of the drawing-room, of whom we have spoken above.

In order that a service may be completed, it is necessary that it should

be done quickly, nothing being more disobliging than tardiness, and the

alternative, which you place a person in, either of addressing to you

new solicitations, or of suffering by your delay. Your tardy assistance

may perhaps be prejudicial, for one would suffer a long time before

resolving to importune you anew.

Make use then of despatch. If any circumstances prevent you from acting,

inform the person, apologise, and promise to make reparation for your

neglect. On his part, the person who is under the obligation to you,

should be careful of using a single term of reproach and of accosting

you with an air of dissatisfaction.

When any one who is visiting you has need of a shawl, a handkerchief, a

hat, offer it with a complaisant zeal, resist the refusal which is made

(and which propriety does not require) select the best you have, in

short, urge the persons not to be in haste to return the articles. If it

is very bad weather, and the occasion a proper one, offer an umbrella or

your carriage. These things are returned the next day by a domestic, who

is charged to thank the person for them. If the articles are linen, they

should not be returned before they are washed.

When a lady has borrowed ornaments of another, as for instance, jewels,

the latter should always offer to lend her more than are asked for: she

ought also to keep a profound silence about the things which she has

lent, and even abstain from wearing them for some time afterwards, in

order that they may not be recognised. If any one, perceiving they were

borrowed, should speak to the person of it, he would pass for an

ill-bred man. If the borrower speaks to you of it, it is well to reply

that nobody had recognised them. All this advice is minute, but what

kind will you have? it concerns female self-esteem.

One species of borrowing which is of daily occurrence, and happens very

often to the loss of the owners, is the borrowing of books. Persons are

so wanting in delicacy on this subject, that those who have a passion

for books, and who are very obliging in other respects, are forced to

refuse making these troublesome loans. The case, however, is a very

perplexing one; we cannot say, _I am not willing to lend you this work_;

but if the borrower is a suspicious person, we can say we have occasion

to use it, that we regret it very much, but that we will lend it to him

in a few days. However, we do not lend it at all.

Well-bred persons do not make a bare request for a book; they wait until

it is offered, and then they accept the offer hesitatingly; they find

out the length of time they can keep it, and return it punctually at the

appointed day. In order to prevent every accident, they cover it with

cloth or paper, since the favor should render them more careful than the

value of the book; they also take care not to turn down the leaves, or

make marks, marginal notes, &c.

If any accident happens to a borrowed article, we must repair the loss

immediately. I shall not speak of more important loans, which are out of

the range of politeness.

SECTION II.

_Of Presents._

In the eyes of persons of delicacy, presents are not of worth, except

from the manner in which they are bestowed; in our advice, then, let us

strive to give them this value.

Presents are offered first to relations and to friends; and they occur

under different circumstances; on our arrival at a place from which we

have been absent for a long time; when our intimate friends leave the

town in which we reside; on our return from a journey, particularly to

the capital; in remarkable and remote countries; on birth days, or days

of baptism, or new year's day.

But this day is not the only occasion of exchanging presents in a

family, it is also an occasion for recollecting services and civilities;

of making our respects to ladies, to superiors whom we wish to honor. It

moreover offers us a delicate means of succoring the unfortunate.

Secondly, at harvest time, if one owns land, in the hunting season, if

one is a hunter, it is in good _ton_ to send to our intimate friends,

fine fruits, rare flowers, or some choice articles of game.

The most delicate presents are the productions of our own industry; a

drawing, a piece of needle work, ornamental hair-work, &c. But such

offerings, though invaluable among friends, are not used on occasions of

ceremony.

Next to fitness of time for presents, comes fitness in the selection of

them; generally, luxury and elegance ought to reign in the latter; but

this rule has numerous exceptions: and although it would be out of place

to offer things purely useful (to which certain incidents would give the

appearance of charity) still we should be in an error to suppose that a

present is suitable, which is brilliant alone. It must by all means be

adapted to the taste, age, and professions of persons, and their

connexions with us. Thus to superiors, you offer fruits, game, &c. to a

student, books;[17] to a friend of the arts, music, or engravings; to

young married ladies, delicate and graceful articles of the toilet, &c.

Presents should excite surprise and pleasure, therefore you ought to

involve them in a mystery, and present them with an air of joyful

kindness.

When you have made your offering, and thanks have been elicited, do not

bring back the conversation to the same subject; be careful,

particularly, of making your gift of consequence. On the contrary, when

its merit has been extolled, when the persons who have received the

present, have evinced a lively satisfaction, say that the gift receives

all its value from their opinion of it.

However slight charm a present may have, or if even insignificant, we

should be ill-bred not to manifest much pleasure in receiving it. It is

besides, necessary, when an opportunity offers, to speak of it, not to

fail of saying to the donor, how useful or agreeable his present is to

you. In proportion as a long space of time has elapsed, this attention

is the more amiable; it proves that you have preserved the object with

care. And this reminds me, that we should never give away a present

which we have received from another person, or at least that we should

so arrange it, that it may never be known.

It is well to mingle with our manifestations of gratitude, some

exceptions to the high value of the gift, but not to dwell a long time

on the subject, or to exclaim about it with earnestness. Under some

circumstances, these declamations may seem dictated by avarice and a

want of delicacy; they are besides in bad taste at all times.

We often make a present to some one through his children or wife,

especially on new year's day, when it is the custom to present at least

confectionary to the young families of one's acquaintance. At Paris, we

make such presents to married ladies; in the provincial towns, we do

not. Above all, when one has received a present of some value, he calls

upon the person who gave it, or, if the distance is great, addresses to

him a letter of thanks. Every one knows that custom requires us to make

a remuneration of a proportionate value, to the domestic who is the

bearer of the present.

[17] It is not polite, when the presents are pamphlets, to offer

those of which you have cut the leaves.

SECTION III.

_Of Advice._

Advice is a very good thing, it is true; it is however a thing which in

society is the most displeasing. A giver of advice, who is incessantly

repeating, _If I was in your place, I should do so and so_, repels every

one by his pride and indiscretion. Such an impertinent person should

know, that he ought not to give advice without he is asked, and that the

number of those who ask it is very limited: we are not, however,

speaking here of gratifications of vanity, but of that advice, the

kindness and affection of which, gives it a claim to our attention. It

is necessary to use much reserve and care, because otherwise you would

seem to have a tone of superiority which would array the self-esteem of

your friend against your wisest counsels. Of the forms of modesty, no

one in this place is superfluous: we may say, "It is possible that I

am mistaken, I should be far from having the courage to enquire of

you," &c.

If a person makes any objections, do not say, _You do not understand

me_, but, _I have not expressed myself properly_.

SECTION IV.

_Of Discretion._

The duties of discretion are so sensibly felt by persons of good

breeding, that they do not violate them except through forgetfulness. It

will be enough then to make an enumeration of them, without intending to

point out their necessity.

Discretion requires in the first place, respect with regard to

conversation. If, when we enter the house of any one, we hear persons

talking in an earnest manner, we step more heavily, in order to give

notice to those who are engaged in the conversation. If, in an assembly,

two persons retire by themselves to speak of business, we should be

careful not to approach them, nor speak to them until they have

separated.

People who have lived a little in the world, know how essential it is

not to mingle with curiosity in the business of persons whom we visit;

nor are they ignorant what conduct is to be observed in case we surprise

persons by an unexpected call; but young persons may not know, and I beg

them to give their attention to it.

When we see a person occupied, we retire, or at least make signs of it;

if they should detain us, we step aside, and appear to be examining a

picture, or looking out of the window, in order to prove that we take no

notice of what engages them. But the desire to find for ourselves some

such occupation, ought not to lead us to turn over the leaves of books

placed upon the chimney-piece or elsewhere; to run over a pamphlet; or

to handle visiting cards, or letters, even though it be only to read the

superscription. If the person visited should be opening a closet or

drawers, it would be rude curiosity to approach in order to see what was

contained there. If, among a number of valuable things, they take one to

show you, be satisfied with looking at that alone, without appearing to

think of the others.

If, before the person visited comes in, we should see another visitor,

who, to pass the time, should take a journal or a book from his pocket,

it would be extremely impolite to read over his shoulder, and equally

uncivil to read what a person is writing.

It is not allowable to take down the books from a library; but we may,

and we even ought to read the titles, in order to praise the good taste

which has been shown in the choice of the works.

If it happens that any one exhibits to a circle some rare and valuable

object, do not be in haste to ask for it, or to take it by reaching out

your hand; wait modestly until it comes to you; do not examine it too

long when you have it, and if by chance any ill-bred person requests it

before you have seen it, do not detain it; it is better to suffer this

small privation than to pass for a badly educated virtuoso.

However insignificant the boasted object may be, never criticise it; if

your opinion is asked, answer a few words of praise; if the thing is

really curious, abstain from exaggerated compliments.

To violate the secresy of letters, under any pretext whatever, is so

base and odious, that I dare not say a word about it; I think, I ought

to say, that it is also very reprehensible to endeavor to read any part

of a letter folded in such a manner as to be partly open at the ends;

and when a certain passage in a letter concerning yourself is handed you

to read, you should put your finger below it in order not to read

anything more; and if you are allowed to add anything in a letter, have

the discretion not to cast your eyes over the rest, and be expeditious

so as to avoid the suspicion that you take advantage of the

circumstance.

Politeness is also opposed, in certain cases, to a too great haste to

know anything relating to ourselves. For example, if a person brings you

a letter, you should not be in a hurry to open it, but see whether the

letter concerns the bearer at all, or only yourself. In the first case,

you should open it, and read it while he is present; in the other case,

you should lay it aside.

Politeness does not, however, impose such restraints upon curiosity in

small things, and leave us free in important ones. Thus, we shall not

say that we ought religiously to keep a secret, and that confidence

received is a sacred deposit; but we shall say to persons who have

curiosity to know any private circumstance, that they ought to be filled

with shame if they do not desist all importunity as soon as they hear

the word, _it is a secret_.

CHAPTER IX.

_Of Travelling._

This chapter, although only accessory, and but remotely connected with

the social relations, should be added here; as we do not wish to make

any voluntary omission, and, besides, if in travelling, the duties of

politeness are less numerous, they are not, therefore, less obligatory.

Persons about to travel, ought to make visits of taking leave among

their acquaintances, of whom they should ask if they have any commands

for them. It would be indiscreet, unless in case of perfect intimacy, to

accept this offer, or to ask them to take charge of such or such a

thing, especially if it is a packet; if persons are very intimate, we

may request them to let us hear of their arrival.

Before their departure, the names of passengers are entered in the order

of their numbers, at the public coach offices. After this, each one

takes the place assigned him. Politeness, however, requires that a man

should offer his seat to a lady who is less well accommodated; for it

would be improper that he should be seated upon the back seat, while

she should be seated upon the front one. Some persons cannot bear the

motion of a coach when they ride backwards; and this manner of riding

incommodes them extremely. Polite travellers will take pleasure in

relieving them from this trouble. Ladies, on their part, ought not to

require too much, nor put to too severe a test the complaisance of

gentlemen. The latter, however, should at every stopping place,

attentively help them alight, by offering the hand, and directing their

feet on the step of the coach. The same thing is necessary in assisting

them to get in again. It would appear badly, to take advantage of one's

superiority of rank, to consult his own convenience alone. It is

necessary on the contrary, for him to have great care not to incommode

any one, and to show every civility to his fellow travellers.

Politeness in travelling is not so rigorous as in society; it only

requires that we should not incommode our companions; that we should be

agreeable to them; that we should politely answer their questions; but

it leaves us free to read, sleep, look about, or observe silence, &c.

A traveller would be uncivil if he should open or shut the windows of

the coach without consulting the people who are with him; or, if he

should, without offering to them, take any light and delicate food, as

fruits, cakes, or confectionary, but which they do not generally accept;

and he would appear disagreeable, if, knowing the route, he should not

point out the beautiful sites, and satisfy any questions concerning

them; finally, he would deserve the name of an imprudent prater, if he

should converse with his fellow travellers as with intimate

acquaintances.

On our return, we should carry or send the commissions which we have

received. Partial acquaintances, to whom we have offered only by

writing, to take their commands, should not expect a visit on our

return; this right belongs only to relations, friends, or intimate

acquaintances.

Finally, all those for whom you have executed any commissions, owe you a

visit of thanks as soon as it can be done.

If you travel on horseback, in distinguished company, give them the

right, and keep a little behind, regulating yourself by the progress of

your companions. There is one exception to this rule; it is when one of

the two horses is skittish, so that it is absolutely necessary that the

other should pass on first, that this one may follow.

If you happen to be on the windward side, so that you throw dust upon

your companion, you should change your position. When we pass by trees,

the branches of which are about the height of the shoulders, the one

who goes first ought to take care that the branches, in going back to

their former situation, should not strike with violence against the

person who follows.

If you are passing a large stream, a small river, or a muddy pool, by

fording, it is polite to go first; but if we have not taken precautions,

and fall in the rear, we ought to keep at a distance, so that the

horse's feet may not spatter the water or mud upon the gentleman before

us. If your companion gallops his horse, you should never pass him, nor

make your horse caper, unless he signifies that it is agreeable to him.

PART III.

OF PROPRIETY IN RELATION TO PLEASURES.

CHAPTER I.

_Of Entertainments._

Politeness ought, as we have seen, to direct and embellish all the

circumstances of life; but it is, if possible, still more necessary in

relation to pleasures, which, without it, would have no attraction.

Without intending to adopt the epigrammatic style, I will say that

dining is almost an event, so many points of propriety have the master

of the house and his guests to observe.

When we intend giving an entertainment, we begin by selecting such

guests as may enjoy themselves together, or at least tolerate one

another. If it is to be composed of gentlemen, there should be no lady

present, except the lady of the house. The dinner being determined upon,

we give out two or three days beforehand, verbal or written invitations.

During the carnival or other season of gaiety, it is necessary to do it

at least five days in advance, on account of the numerous engagements.

When we receive a written invitation, we must answer immediately whether

we accept or not, although silence may be considered equivalent to an

acceptance. In the latter case, we should give a plausible reason of our

declining, and do it with politeness. When the invitation is verbal, we

must avoid being urged; for nothing is more foolish and disobliging; we

ought either to accept or refuse in a frank and friendly manner,

offering some reasonable motive for declining, to which we should not

again refer. It is not allowable to be urged, except when we are

requested to dine with someone whom we have seen only at the house of a

third person, or when we are invited on a visit or other similar

occasion. In the former case, if we accept, we should first leave a card

in order to open the acquaintance.

Having once accepted, we cannot break our engagement, unless for a most

urgent cause.

An invitation ought to specify exactly the hour of meeting, and you

should arrive precisely at that hour. The table should be ready, and the

mistress of the house in the drawing-room, to receive the guests. When

they are all assembled, a domestic announces that the dinner is served

up; at this signal we rise immediately, and wait until the master of

the house requests us to pass into the dining-room, whither he conducts

us, by going before.

It is quite common for the lady of the house to act as guide, while he

offers his hand to the lady of most distinction. The guests also give

their arms to ladies, whom they conduct as far as the table, and to the

place which they are to occupy. Take care, if you are not the principal

guest, not to offer your hand to the handsomest or most distinguished

lady; for it is a great impoliteness.

Having arrived at the table, each guest respectfully salutes the lady

whom he conducts, and who in turn bows also. It is one of the first and

most difficult things properly to arrange the guests, and to place them

in such a manner that the conversation may always be general during the

entertainment; we should as much as possible avoid putting next one

another, two persons of the same profession; for it would necessarily

result in an _aside_ conversation, which would injure the general

conversation, and consequently the gaiety of the occasion. The two most

distinguished gentlemen are placed next the mistress of the house; the

two most distinguished ladies next the master of the house; the right

hand is especially the place of honor. If the number of gentlemen is

nearly equal to that of the ladies, we should take care to intermingle

them; we should separate husbands from their wives, and remove near

relations as far from one another as possible, because being always

together, they ought not to converse among themselves in a general

party.

The younger guests, or those of less distinction, are placed at the

lower end of the table.

In order to be able to watch the course of the dinner, and to see that

nothing is wanting to their guests, the master and mistress of the house

usually seat themselves in the centre of the table, opposite each other.

As soon as the guests are seated, the lady of the house serves in

plates, from a pile at her left hand, the soup which she sends round,

beginning with her neighbors at the right and left, and continuing in

the order of their distinction. These first plates usually pass twice,

for every one endeavors to make his neighbor accept whatever is sent

him.

The master of the house carves or causes to be carved by some expert

guests, the large pieces, in order afterwards to do the honors himself.

If you have no skill in carving meats, you should not attempt it; and

never discharge this duty except when your good offices are solicited by

him; neither can we refuse from his hand anything sent us.

A master of a house ought never to pride himself upon what appears on

his table, nor confuse himself with apologies for the bad cheer which

he offers you; it is much better for him to observe silence in this

respect, and leave it to his guests to pronounce eulogiums on the

dinner; neither is it in good _ton_ to urge guests to eat nor to load

their plate against their will.

I will now give a few words of advice to guests; puerile it may be, but

which it is well to listen to, and observe. It is ridiculous to make a

display of your napkin; to attach it with pins upon your bosom, or to

pass it through your buttonhole; to use a fork in eating soup; to ask

for _meat_ instead of _beef_; for _poultry_ instead of saying chicken,

or turkey; to turn up your cuffs while carving; to take bread, even when

it is within your reach, instead of calling upon the servant; to cut

with a knife your bread, which should be broken by your hand; and to

pour your coffee into the saucer to cool.

Guests of the house of a distinguished personage are accompanied each by

his own servant, who takes his place behind his chair. They should not

address him during the entertainment, still less reprimand him. Before

placing themselves at the table, they ought to direct him to serve the

other guests also, and to retire as soon as the table is cleared,

because the domestics of the house ought to eat by themselves.

During the first course, each one helps himself at his pleasure to

whatever he drinks; but, in the second course, when the master of the

house passes round choice wine, it would be uncivil to refuse it. We are

not obliged, however, to accept a second glass.

When at the end of the second course, the cloth is removed, the guests

may assist in turning off that part of it which is before them, and

contribute to the arrangement of the dessert plates which happen to be

near, but without attempting to alter the disposition of them. From the

time that the dessert appears on the table, the duties of the master of

the house diminish, as do also his rights.

If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or elderly person,

politeness requires him to save them all trouble of pouring out for

themselves to drink, of procuring anything to eat, and of obtaining

whatever they are in want of at the table. He ought to be eager to offer

them what he thinks to be most to their taste.

It would be impolite to monopolize a conversation which ought to be

general. If the company is large, we should converse with our neighbors,

raising the voice only enough to make ourselves understood.

Custom allows ladies at the end of an entertainment to dip their fingers

into a glass of water, and to wipe them with their napkin; it allows

them also to rinse the mouth, using their plate for this purpose; but,

in my opinion, custom sanctions it in vain.

It is for the mistress of the house to give the signal to leave the

table; all the guests then rise, and, offering their arms to the ladies,

wait upon them to the drawing-room, where coffee and _liqueurs_ are

prepared. We do not take coffee at the table, except at unceremonious

dinners. In leaving the table, the master of the house ought to go last.

Politeness requires us to remain at least an hour in the drawing-room

after dinner; and, if we can dispose of an entire evening, it would be

well to devote it to the person who has entertained us.

We should not leave the table before the end of the entertainment,

unless from urgent necessity. If it is a married lady, she requests some

one to accompany her; if a young lady, she goes with her mother.

The question whether it is proper, or not, to sing at table, depends now

upon the _ton_ of the master of the house. We do not sing at the houses

of people of fashion and the high classes of society; but we may do it

at the social tables of citizens. In this case, we may repeat what has

been said and proved a thousand times how ridiculous it is to be urged

when we know how to sing, or to insist upon hearing a person sing who

has an invincible timidity.

After dinner, we converse, have music, or more frequently, prepare the

tables for games. In the course of the soirée, the mistress of the house

sends round upon a waiter _eau sucrée_ or refreshing syrups. During the

week which follows the entertainment, each guest owes a visit to the

person who has invited them. We usually converse at this time, of the

dinner, of the pleasure we have enjoyed, and of the persons whom we met

there. This visit has received the cant name of the _visite de

digestion_.

CHAPTER II.

_Of Promenades, Parties, and Amusements._

The paragraphs contained in this chapter concern the most common

relations of society. Complaisance and attentions ought therefore to

embellish and adorn these relations with all the delicate shades of

politeness.

SECTION I.

_Of Promenades._

A young man who walks with an elderly person, undoubtedly knows that his

companion has not the same strength and agility as himself; he ought

therefore to regulate his pace by that of the old person. The same

precaution should be observed when we accompany a person of distinction

to whom we owe respect. Decorum requires that a gentleman should offer

his arm to a lady who walks with him; and politeness requires him to ask

permission to carry anything which she may have in her hand, as a bag, a

book, or a parasol (if the sun does not shine;) in case of a refusal, he

ought to insist upon it.

If there are more ladies than gentlemen, we should offer our arm to the

oldest, and to a married lady rather than to an unmarried one. If we are

accompanied by two ladies, we cannot dispense with offering our arm to

each of them.

Place your company upon that side which seems to them most convenient,

and beware of opposing their tastes or desires. When occasion presents

itself, offer seats to your companions to rest themselves, and do not

urge them to rise until they manifest a wish to continue their walk. If

they accept your invitation to sit down, and it happens that there are

not a sufficient number of seats, then the ladies should sit, and the

gentlemen remain standing.

In a large public garden, chairs are seldom wanting; if it is necessary

to go for some to the place where they are kept, this is the business of

the gentlemen, who ought to take care not to place them before persons

already seated, for this would be an incivility. When payment for the

seats is called for, one gentleman of the company pays for the whole. It

would be impolite to offer to reimburse him.

There is also a rule of politeness to be observed with regard to those

whom we meet in walking. We ought to offend neither their eyes nor their

ears. We must take care not to attract their attention by immoderate

laughter, nor allow ourselves liberties which we cannot take in a

private garden. To sing and skip about in walking, would expose us to

the hootings of the multitude, and to unpleasant things for which we

could only accuse our own folly.

If you are in a public promenade, converse upon general topics, which

can offend no one, in order that your remarks may not be wrongly

interpreted by persons who happen to hear them. Beware on the other

hand, of listening to the conversation of those who are not of your

party.

If you give your arm to a lady in the street, she ought to be next the

wall. And if by chance, you are obliged to cross over, you should then

change the arm. This deference is likewise due to all who are entitled

to our respect. Two gentlemen do not take one another's arms in the

street, unless they are young persons and intimate friends.

We never go in advance of the lady whom we accompany, and if she stops,

we do so likewise, and remain with her in looking at whatever attracts

her attention. If a mendicant comes up to ask alms, we immediately draw

out our purse to satisfy his wants, so that the lady with whom we are

walking may not be importuned by him.

If we walk in a private garden, and the company is numerous, we may

separate, and form distinct groups. If the master of the house or any

person of consideration, invite you to walk up and down the alleys, take

care to give them the right, it being the most honorable side. At the

end of each alley, and when you must retrace your steps, turn inside

towards the other person, and not outward, as you would thus present

your back to him. If you happen to be with two persons who are your

superiors, do not place yourself in the middle, for that is the place of

honor; the right, is the second, and the left the third place.

Be careful also of the choice of places if you take an airing in a

coach, and yield the first seats to ladies and distinguished persons.

The one of most consequence gets in first, and places himself at the

right of the back seat; the left of the same seat is occupied next;

then, the third person seats himself on the front seat, facing the one

in the first place; the fourth person takes the remaining seat, facing

the one in the second place. If there is no servant, it is proper for

the gentlemen to open the door, arrange the packets, &c.

In a cabriolet or chaise, the right side is for the one who drives when

there are only two persons. If there are three, the driver sits in the

middle, even although he may be very inferior to his companions. I may

add, that it is not customary for a lady to go alone in a hired

cabriolet, since she would then be in the company of the driver only.

SECTION II.

_Of Parties and Amusements._

We shall have but few things to say upon the manner of conducting

one's-self in a party, for we should only repeat the advice we have

already given as respects propriety in the carriage of the person, in

visits, and in conversation.

If a gentleman enters a drawing-room where there are more than ten

persons, he should salute all generally, by a very respectful

inclination of the head, and present his respects first to the lady of

the house, but converse at first only with her husband; gentlemen

usually stand in groups, while the ladies sitting, answer the salutation

by a similar one; we should remark that the ladies do not rise, except

in saluting one of their own sex.

However distinguished a person may be, we do not allow conversation to

be disturbed by their coming. They listen for a few moments while

observing what persons are present, then mingle in the conversation,

without pretending at all to monopolize it. When conversation is not

general, nor the subject sufficiently interesting to occupy the whole

company, they break up into different groups. Each one converses with

one or more of his neighbors on his right and left. We should, if we

wish to speak to any one, avoid leaning upon the person who happens to

be between. A gentleman ought not to lean upon the arm of a lady's

chair, but he may, while standing, support himself by the back of it, in

order to converse with the lady half turned towards him.

It would be extremely impolite to converse in a loud voice with any one

upon private subjects, to make use of allegories and particular

allusions which are understood only by the person with whom you are

conversing and yourself. It would be equally out of place to converse in

a foreign language, with any one who might be able to speak it.

It is not proper to withdraw in the midst of any conversation, but to

wait until the subject in which you are engaged shall be finished; you

then salute only the person with whom you have been talking, and depart

without taking leave of any one, not even the gentleman and lady of the

house.

The mind has need of recreations; it cannot be always occupied. Hence

the custom of passing a few moments in those family and social parties,

where we take part in the various amusements and games which have been

invented to relax and divert the mind.

It is useless to observe here that we do not mean to speak of those

scandalous establishments in which are frequently swallowed up the

resources of families, and where a person, led by an unhappy passion,

may consume in one evening, enough to furnish an annual support for

fifty orphans; we design to speak only of those innocent games, in which

we are ambitious only of the glory of a triumph. To propose to play a

deep game would be to expose ourselves to contempt. For, those who

composed the assembly, would imagine that he who makes this request, has

no other object in view but to enrich himself at the expense of others,

and that he is accustomed to frequent those abominable houses of which

we have just spoken.

We should have a bad opinion of a player who, when he gained, should

show excessive joy, and if he lost, should betray the least chagrin; for

he ought to remember that it is only for amusement that he plays.

Conduct yourself without letting escape the least word of

dissatisfaction, and be pleasant even if you are unfortunate.

When you leave off playing, converse with your adversary, and not seem

to avoid him, but especially never speak to him of his good luck in

playing, unless it be with a frank gaiety, for otherwise you would seem

to be inspired with anger.

Play with fairness, and do not endeavor to see the hand of your

adversary in order to profit by it; pay attention to your game, and not

hold conversation with others. This inattention would render you

necessarily insupportable to those who play with you.

If any play is contested, we should not discuss it with warmth, but

refer to disinterested persons, explaining to them with calmness and

politeness the point in dispute.

In playing, we must always preserve an even temper; neither should we

devote too much time to it, for then this amusement would become

irksome, and would soon be changed to a fatiguing occupation.

When the mistress of the house has prepared the tables for playing, she

takes as many cards as each game requires players, and presents them to

the persons present, beginning with the one whom she wishes especially

to honor. To accept a card, is considered an engagement to play. The

distribution of the players requires all the attention of the mistress

of the house, for there are some persons not to be desired for partners.

There are, besides, bad players, persons who being little accustomed to

playing, stop a long time to think, bite their lips, strike their feet

together under the table, drum upon the table with their fingers;

pretend that such a person being near brings them bad luck, and request

out of their turn to shuffle the cards, in order to change the luck, &c.

The mistress of the house experiences, besides the embarrassment of

arranging these unlucky players, sufficient trouble in keeping from the

same table, those who have any antipathy to one another.

When we commence playing, we salute, by an inclination of the head, the

persons with whom we play, as we deal to them the first card. Gentlemen

should collect the cards at the end of each hand, shuffle, and present

them to the lady who is to deal.

We may, without impropriety, ask of any one if he plays such a game,

even if he plays well; and we may ask those invited to play, whom they

desire as partners. The most honorable set, namely, that in which the

mistress of the house plays, can never be refused, unless we are

unacquainted with playing.

SECTION III.

_Little Sports and Games of Society._

Those sports, called innocent, generally please young persons of both

sexes, because they excite an interest, while they require an exercise

of the memory and of the mind. It is necessary, however, in this, as in

everything else, to manifest attention, delicacy, and propriety. We

ought not to endeavor to be noticed for our too great vivacity or

freedom. We should be satisfied with showing our talent at playing in

our turn, and taking part in the common gaiety, without pretension or

too great zeal. We should especially avoid throwing out any vindictive

remarks, bestowing misplaced compliments, or imposing forfeits which

would cause mortification.

A young gentleman ought never to seize a young lady by the body, catch

hold of her ribband or bouquet, nor pay exclusive attention to the same

person. He should be agreeable and pleasant towards all.

The selection of different games belongs to the ladies. The person who

receives the company, should be careful to vary them; and when she

perceives that any game loses its interest, she should propose another.

There are almost always persons in society who wish to take the lead,

and give the _ton_; it is a caprice or fault which should be avoided. We

may modestly propose any amusement, and ask the opinion of others in

regard to it; but never pretend to dictate, nor even urge having our own

proposal accepted. If it does not please generally, we should be silent,

and resign ourselves with a good grace to the decisions of the majority.

In these little sports, the penalties which are imposed, too often

consist in embracing the ladies of the company; but as they cannot

refuse, since you follow the rule of the game, take care to do it with

such propriety, that modesty may not be offended.

Never prescribe any forfeiture which can wound the feelings of any one

of the company.

CHAPTER III.

_Of Balls, Concerts, and Public Shows._

These amusements presuppose a fortune, and good _ton_; the practice of

society, therefore, and consequently a forgetfulness of the precepts of

politeness in respect to them, would be truly preposterous.

SECTION I.

_Of Balls._

I was going to say, let us begin with private balls; but I recollect

that this denomination is no longer fashionable. We do not say, _a ball

at Madam such a one's_, but an evening party (_soirée_). Nevertheless,

when we wish to give a dance, we give the invitations a week beforehand,

that the ladies may have time to prepare articles for their toilet.

If it is to be a simple evening party, in which we may wear a summer

walking dress, the mistress of the house gives verbal invitations and

does not omit to apprise her friends of this circumstance, or they

might appear in unsuitable dresses. If, on the contrary, the soirée is

to be in reality a ball, the invitations are written, or what is better,

printed, and expressed in the third person.

A room appropriated for dresses, and furnished with cloak pins to hang

up the shawls and other garments of the ladies, is almost indispensable.

Domestics should be there also to aid them in taking off and putting on

their outside garments.

We are not obliged to go exactly at the appointed hour; it is even

fashionable to go an hour later. Married ladies are accompanied by their

husbands, unmarried ones, by their mother or by a _chaperon_. These last

ladies place themselves behind the dancers; the master of the house goes

before one and another, procures seats for them, and then mingles again

among the gentlemen who are standing, and who form groups or walk about

the room.

The toilet of all the assembly should be made with great care. A

gentleman who should appear in a riding-coat and boots, would pass for a

person of bad _ton_.

When you are sure of a place in the dance, you go up to a lady, and ask

her if she will _do you the honor_ to dance with you. If she answers

that she is engaged, invite her for the next dance, and take care not to

address yourself afterwards to any ladies next to her, for these not

being able to refuse you, would feel hurt at being invited after

another. Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, for

nothing is more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, and when the

dancers are already in their places; it can be allowed only when the set

is incomplete.

A lady cannot refuse the invitation of a gentleman to dance, unless she

has already accepted that of another, for she would be guilty of an

incivility which might occasion trouble; she would besides seem to show

contempt for him whom she refused, and would expose herself to receive

an ill compliment from him.

Married or young ladies cannot leave a ball-room or any other party

alone. The former should be accompanied by one or two other married

ladies, and the latter by their mother, or by a lady to represent her.

We should avoid talking too much; it would occasion remarks and have a

bad appearance to whisper continually in the ear of our partner.

The master of the house should see that all the ladies dance; he should

take notice of those who seem to serve as _drapery_ to the walls of the

ball-room, or _wall-flowers_, as the familiar expression is, and should

see that they are invited to dance. He must do this wholly unperceived,

in order not to wound the self-esteem of the unfortunate ladies.

Gentlemen whom the master of the house requests to dance with these

ladies, should be ready to accede to his wish, and even appear pleased

at dancing with a person thus recommended to their notice.

Ladies who dance much, ought to be very careful not to boast before

those who dance but little or not at all, of the great number of dances

for which they are engaged in advance. They should also, without being

perceived, recommend to these less fortunate ladies, gentlemen of their

acquaintance.

In giving the hand for ladies' chain or any figures, those dancing

should wear a smile, and accompany it with a polite inclination of the

head, in the manner of a salutation. At the end of the dance, the

gentleman re-conducts the lady to her place, bows and thanks her for the

honor which she has conferred. She also curtsies in silence, smiling

with a gracious air.

In these assemblies, we ought to conduct ourselves with reserve and

politeness towards all present, although they may be unknown to us.

Persons who have no ear for music, that is to say, a false one, ought to

refrain from dancing.

Never hazard taking part in a quadrille unless you know how to dance

tolerably. If you are a novice or but little skilled, you would bring

disorder into the midst of pleasure. Being once engaged to take part in

the dance, if the figures are not familiar, be careful not to advance

first. You can in this way govern your steps by those who go before you.

Beware also of taking your place in a set of dancers more skilful than

yourself.

When an unpractised dancer makes a mistake, we may apprise him of his

error; but it would be very impolite to have the air of giving him a

lesson.

Dance with grace and modesty; neither affect to make a parade of your

knowledge; refrain from great leaps and ridiculous jumps which would

attract the attention of all towards you.

In a private ball or party, it is proper to show still more reserve, and

not to manifest more preference for one lady than another; we should

dance with all indiscriminately, but we may, moreover, invite the same

lady more than once.

In public balls, a gentleman offers his partner refreshments, which she

very seldom accepts, unless she is much acquainted with him. But in

private parties, the persons who receive the company, send round cake

and other refreshments, of which each one helps himself as he pleases.

Near the end of the evening, in a well regulated ball, it is customary

to have a supper, when the gentlemen stand behind the ladies who are

seated.

In a soirée without great preparation, we may dispense with a supper,

but refreshments are necessary; and not to have them would be the

greatest impoliteness.

The waltz is a dance of quite too loose a character, and unmarried

ladies should refrain from it in public and private; very young married

ladies, however, may be allowed to waltz in private balls, if it is very

seldom, and with persons of their acquaintance. It is indispensable for

them to acquit themselves with dignity and decency.

I have spoken of _public balls_, in contradistinction to private ones,

and I might also have mentioned _balls by subscription_, for, in regard

to the public balls of Paris and other large cities, we have nothing to

advise our readers but to shun them. As to masked balls, it is an

amusement altogether to be condemned, except those of the Opera. Neither

should we appear there except in a domino.

We should retire _incognito_, not to disturb the master and mistress of

the house; we should make them during the week, a visit of thanks, at

which we may converse of the pleasure of the ball and of the good

selection of the company.

SECTION II.

_Of Concerts._

The proprieties in deportment which concerts require, are little

different from those which are recognized in every other assembly or in

public exhibitions; for concerts partake of the one and the other,

according as they are public or private. In private concerts, the ladies

occupy the front seats, and the gentlemen are generally in groups

behind, or at the side of them. One should observe the most profound

silence, and refrain from beating time, humming the airs, applauding, or

making ridiculous gestures of admiration. Very often a dancing soirée

succeeds a concert, and billets of invitation distributed two or three

days beforehand should give notice of it to the persons invited.

When a lady is going to perform, it is good _ton_ for a gentleman to

stand behind the chair of the performer, and turn over the leaves

attentively, if he knows how to read music.

We ought also after an invitation to a concert, to return a visit of

thanks.

SECTION III.

_Of Public Shows or Spectacles._

One would be deceived if he imagined that there exist no rules of

propriety to be observed in public places, where persons assemble

together, and at theatrical exhibitions. There are some general

attentions which we should manifest to those persons whom we meet there.

It would be impolite to jostle continually, and in an importunate

manner, those near whom we are placed, to step upon the dress of a lady,

or run against those who are moving at a moderate pace.

If you go with a party to a theatrical entertainment, one of the

gentlemen should carry the tickets to the door-keeper, in older to avoid

any embarrassment to ladies on entering; and when the box is open, they

should place them in the front row, according to their age, or the

consideration they deserve. Young persons should occupy the seats

behind, and avoid leaning over too much, to the incommoding of those who

are seated in front of them.

Gentlemen should address themselves to the attendants at the boxes, make

them a compensation, and place under their care their hats, the cloaks

and other articles of dress of the ladies; but we must not hang them

over the boxes, whether it is a pocket-handkerchief, a tippet, or a

shawl, &c.[18] Nor ought a person to turn his back to the stage; for in

that case, he exposes himself to the derision of the pit, and to hear

disagreeable remarks. Then the eyes of all would be fixed upon you; your

imprudence would excite a disturbance, which would be troublesome to the

audience.

When a spectator of kind feelings is affected at the sight of the

misfortunes which the heroes of the play suffer, or has his sympathy

touched by the virtues which are displayed, nothing can be more annoying

to him, than to have constantly at his side, a morose critic, who,

without mercy, finds fault with the finest parts of the performance, who

sees nothing to his taste, and changes into a place of fatigue and

ennui, resorts consecrated to amusement and pleasure. It is, moreover,

almost as ridiculous to place no bounds to our applause.

When ladies enter a box where a gentleman is seated in front of them,

propriety requires that he should offer his seat, notwithstanding they

are strangers to him, and he should insist upon their taking it, even

after they have once refused.

If the heat incommodes you, do not open the door of the box, without the

consent of those who occupy it.

Be very reserved at the theatre, in order not to trouble those who are

near you, and maintain a profound silence when the actors are on the

stage, so as not to interrupt the attention of persons who take an

interest in the spectacle.

It is improper to pass too positive and severe a judgment on the

performance, or the playing of the actors, whether to make a eulogium,

or to find fault with them. One may meet persons of a contrary opinion,

and engage himself in a controversy which it is prudent to avoid.

Between the acts, gentlemen should ask the ladies if it is agreeable to

them to walk in the entries, the saloon, or to take refreshments. They

should also ask them if they wish for a journal of the theatre or play

bill, or an opera glass; and if bouquets are sold at the door of the

theatre, it would be proper and gallant to present them with one.

As soon as you have arrived at the outer door of the theatre, if in a

carriage, you must take care to have your party all ready at the very

moment the carriage drives up. It is necessary to do the same thing, if

you send a porter to get a hired coach.

[18] In some of the theatres in Paris, this is however allowed.--_T._

CHAPTER IV.

_Of the Duties of Hospitality._

Those of my readers who from habit, or instinct, fear the least

appearance of constraint, and perhaps even in this work have found

lessons of politeness too strict, and have thought that civilization has

augmented them beyond measure, will without doubt apply the same remark

to the present chapter. But what in reality are these slight duties of

modern hospitality, in comparison to the rigorous ones of ancient times?

When a billet of announcement has informed you, as is customary, that a

preceding invitation on your part will bring guests to your house, you

must begin and carefully arrange the apartment you intend for them. They

should have a good bed, a bureau, a fire in the winter, and everything

which can contribute to their comfort; a wash basin, water, glass

tumblers, a bottle of cologne, a sugar bowl filled, or rather a glass of

water prepared, several napkins, and everything which will contribute to

neatness, or elegance, ought to be placed in the apartment.

These preliminaries being arranged, a little before the appointed hour,

we must go and wait upon our guests; a domestic should go with you to

bring their baggage to the house. You should embrace your friends and

congratulate them; express the pleasure you enjoy in receiving them,

inquire kindly about the incidents of their journey, and conduct them in

an earnest manner, and introduce them, by requesting them to make your

house their home; this finishes the second series of the duties of

hospitality.

The third class of obligations, is assiduity to your guests; because

otherwise, it would seem to them, that their presence was troublesome.

To you belongs the care of kindly offering to their view everything in

your house, in the city or in the country, which is interesting; of

making parties in honor of them, as dinner parties of their friends, or

such as it is presumed will please them; these are obligations of

hospitality which you cannot omit. When visitors show any intention of

leaving you, you ought affectionately to endeavor to retain them;

nevertheless, if their resolution seems immovable, you send to engage

their seats at the coach office; you offer them delicate refreshment,

and accompany them thither; then, taking leave of them, renew your

invitations for another visit, and your regret at not having been able

to succeed better in retaining them.

To do the honors of one's own house, it is necessary to have tact,

address, knowledge of the world, and a great evenness of temper, and

much affability. It is necessary to forget one's-self, in order to be

occupied with others, but without hurry, or affectation; to encourage

timid persons, and put them at their ease; to enter into conversation,

directing it with address rather than sustaining it ourselves.

The mistress of a house ought to be obliging, of an equal temper, and

attentive in accommodating herself to the particular tastes of every

one, especially to appear delighted that they are with her, and make

themselves perfectly at home.

Guests, on their part, should show themselves contented and grateful for

the reception that is given them. They should, on departing, give a

generous remuneration to the domestics, and immediately after arriving

at home, write to the persons who have entertained them a letter of

cordial thanks.

The duties of hospitality are of frequent recurrence, fatiguing and

troublesome, but they are an indispensable obligation. To omit them, is

to be willing to pass for a person of no education, and no delicacy, and

in short it is to place people in a most embarrassing and painful

situation.

PART IV.

OF PROPRIETY AS REGARDS OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES.

CHAPTER I.

_Of Marriage and Baptism._

These two subjects have peculiar right to the precepts of politeness;

for the first is the closest of the social relations, and both furnish

occasions for the most brilliant fêtes.

SECTION I.

_Of Marriage.[19]_

We usually make a profound secret of the preliminaries of marriage,

because, in case of its being broken off, we are afraid of malicious

interpretations; but, after the first words are exchanged, it is

necessary to make it known in confidence to a few intimate friends, and

those to whom we are under obligations. Afterwards, we give intelligence

of it by letter to our relations.

A young man who solicits a lady in marriage, should be extremely devoted

and respectful; he should appear a stranger to all the details of

business which the two families discuss; he converses with his intended

particularly of their future arrangements, her tastes, the selection of

a residence, furniture, bridal presents, &c. Avoiding all misplaced

familiarity, he calls her _Miss_ until returning from church, on the day

of marriage; he accompanies her in all assemblies, and shows himself a

devoted suitor.

When the banns of matrimony have been published, it is customary at

Paris for a bouquet-maker to come to adorn the bride, presenting her

with a bouquet. This attention requires a remuneration.

The marriage is declared in two ways. We invite three or four days

beforehand persons of our acquaintance to assist in the nuptial

benediction, and we specify precisely the time and place where the

ceremony will be performed. As to the legal act, which is performed by

civil authority, we invite only witnesses and near relations.

If a person is invited to assist at the repast or fête which follows the

marriage, we make express mention of it at the bottom of the letters of

invitation.[20]

We simply communicate the fact of the marriage to those who have been

invited neither to the nuptial ceremony, nor to the entertainment.

Propriety requires that the person invited to the marriage ceremony

should come, or send an excuse if it is impossible to be present. A

simple letter of announcement to uninvited persons, requires only a

visit or two; the first of which is made by card.

Presents are usually the preliminaries of a marriage: those which the

gentleman makes his intended wife, are called _wedding presents_; they

consist of different articles of the toilet, a set of diamonds, &c. Some

persons content themselves with sending a purse containing a sum of

money in gold, for the purchase of these things: the young lady then

spends it as she thinks proper. The married gentleman is moreover to

make a present to each of the brothers and sisters of his intended.

The young lady, on her part, gives some present to her bridemaid: she

often presents her with a dress or some ornament, and she receives in

her turn from the other, a girdle, gloves, and a bouquet of orange

flowers. Since we have spoken of marriage presents, we will add that at

Paris the married lady must receive a gift from her sisters and cousins,

and that in the provincial towns, on the contrary, she must offer them

some token.

We will now pass to the ceremony: after the celebration of the legal

act, which may be some days previous, the married couple, followed by

their parents, commonly go to the church in the carriages which

conducted them to the office where the legal act was performed; for at

Paris, whatever situation in life the parties may be in, they never go

on foot. The married lady goes in one carriage with her relations and

the bridemaid; the gentleman in another carriage with his father and

mother, or his nearest relatives.

The acquaintances of the two married persons, repair to the church at

the appointed hour; the friends of the gentleman place themselves on the

right, those of the lady on the left hand, on seats prepared beforehand.

The marriage train then advances in the following order; the lady gives

her hand to her father, or to one who represents him; then comes the

gentleman with his mother, or the lady who represents her, and

afterwards the members of the two families follow in couples.

When the couple and their relations approach the altar, each of the

persons present bows to them in silence; the relations place themselves

in the same order as the acquaintances, and before the latter, in the

front row, which should be reserved for them. The couple to be married

are placed in the middle. Although it is polite always to present the

right hand to the lady whom we conduct, or to give her the right when we

are next her, yet the bridegroom takes the right of the bride, because,

in this act, which is at once religious and civil, man ought to preserve

the prerogative which the law both human and divine have conferred upon

him; besides, as the bridegroom is to place the nuptial ring on the

finger of the bride, it is more convenient for him to be upon the right

hand than the left.

When the clergyman puts the questions to them, each should consult their

relations by a respectful sign of the head, before answering the

decisive _yes_.

The veil is held over the head of the bride by two children whose

parents we wish to compliment. The business of the bridemaid who has

presided at the toilet of the bride, is to designate their places at

the religious ceremony in church; and afterwards, at the ball, is to

supply the place of the bride, who can take no active part; it is

usually one of her sisters or a most intimate friend who is chosen for

this purpose.

The groomsman, for there should be one or even more, looks well to the

list of those invited to the ceremony, to see what persons are absent,

because it is the custom of married persons not to make the marriage

visit to any one who has been guilty of this impoliteness.

The married gentleman must give presents to the attendants at the

church, the poor, &c.

After the nuptial benediction, the married couple again salute the

assembly, and then receive the compliments of each one. There are some

families in a more humble situation, where the married lady is embraced

by all at the marriage ceremony; in those in a higher station in life,

she embraces only her father, her mother, and her new relations.

The new husband gives his hand to his wife when returning from the

church; nevertheless at dinner he should be placed between his mother

and his mother-in-law, while his wife is to be seated between her father

and father-in-law.

In case there is a supper, the married couple sit next each other.

The married lady opens the ball with the most distinguished person in

the assembly; she retires privately, accompanied by her mother, and one

or more near relations whom they wish to compliment.

The newly married couple make marriage visits in the course of a

fortnight, in a carriage, and in full dress. They should make these

visits alone. They leave their cards for those with whom they do not

wish to be intimate.

Such are the received usages in the capital. In the provinces, many of

the old and common customs are preserved, as the gift of a laced shirt

bosom to the husband by his wife; wedding favors or ribbands for the

wife, ribbands of two colors with which they decorate the young persons

in the marriage suite, &c.

[19] The greater part of the marriage ceremonies here described, are

according to the usages of Catholic countries, but some of them

are applicable to our own; and it has been thought that it would

be interesting to American readers to retain the whole as in the

original.--_T._

[20] These letters are usually duplicates, for the invitation should

appear to be given by the parents of both the future couple.

SECTION II.

_Of Baptism.[21]_

We must invite several months beforehand the godfather and godmother of

the child that is to be baptized. If the ties of blood have given you a

right to this onerous duty, you cannot dispense with it. If not, you

can seek a specious excuse.

When one has consented to hold the infant at the baptismal font, he

should perform this duty in a becoming manner, and according to his own

condition and that of the parents of the child.

A present should be given to the mother, and this present usually

consists of confectionary. We must also give one to the godmother, a

pair of white gloves and comfits; if she is a young person, she commonly

receives a bouquet of white flowers in addition. If the godfather wishes

to show her any attention, he can add to the presents an elegant and

valuable object, such as a fan; but in that case it is good _ton_ for

the godmother to send in return some rich and tasteful present. She also

has the honor of giving to the child a cap, and often a baptismal robe.

To her also belongs the duty of putting the first dress on the child.

The attendant and the nurse have also a present.

The officers of the church, and the poor, should each receive a gratuity

proportionate to their condition. We simply put a piece of money into

the hands of the humbler persons; but we present the clergyman with a

box of presents in which is enclosed a piece of gold or silver.

Persons of a very high class in order to free their friends from these

expenses, send their domestics to present their children at the

baptismal font. This is a most unbecoming custom; it seems to consider

this holy consecration as a slavish ceremony, and destroys at its source

the sentiment of respect and affection, that a godson or daughter should

inspire in those who have adopted them before God.

At whatever hour the ceremony is appointed, we go to the church in a

carriage at the expense of the godfather. He and the godmother pass in

first; then comes the infant borne by its nurse or a matron; then the

father, who accompanies the other invited persons.

It is the custom in many houses to give, after returning from the

baptism, an elegant entertainment, of which the godfather and godmother

receive all the honor. Above all, they should give their godchild new

year's gifts while it is a child, and manifest their affection during

the whole of its life.

[21] Most of the observances which follow, as well as those in the

section on marriage, have more particular reference to the forms

of the Catholic and Episcopal churches.--_T._

CHAPTER II.

_Of Duties toward the Unfortunate._

Propriety, the guide of all our relations, cannot remain a stranger to

the unfortunate; that which takes possession of all our sentiments,

cannot forget to pity. It is in this light that it is peculiarly

touching, that it is almost religious, since it even contributes to bind

closer this first, this powerful tie of humanity.

SECTION I.

_Of Duties toward the Sick, Infirm, and Unfortunate._

When any one of your acquaintance is ill, you should regularly send a

domestic, to inquire after their health, every day, or every other day,

according to the virulence and nature of the disease. If there is

immediate danger, we should send to inquire even twice a day. From time

to time, you should send to know whether the sick person can see any

one, because in that case you must go and testify in person, all your

interest. You should continue to obtain information about their health

until their recovery or death.

Our visits to the sick should be very short, silent, and reserved. We

should address to them words of interest in a low voice, and speak

softly to the member of the family who takes charge of them. We ask him

who is his physician, what is the treatment; we urge every motive of

consolation and hope; we ought hardly to reply to the questions the

person in attendance asks, with regard to our own health, or business,

and we retire reiterating the proofs of our interest. If the person is

convalescent or only indisposed, you address a thousand questions

concerning their complaints; you sympathize with them, praise their

patience, and describe to them the pleasant image of returning health.

You must be on your guard not to say that you find their features much

changed, that their recovery may be slow, &c.

To speak these truths is very mal-apropos, and with reason; you would

pass for having an unfeeling heart, or, rather, a limited understanding.

When sufferings and troubles assume a virulent aspect, and resist all

the efforts of medical skill, they are infirmities indeed, and a silence

the most absolute and rigorous with respect to them, should be

observed.

Not only ought you never to speak to an infirm person of his misfortune,

but you should also carefully avoid mentioning any person who is

afflicted in the same way, and of thus alluding indirectly to his own

case.

The only occasion when this is allowed, is where you can make it appear

to him that the comforts of which he is deprived are not so permanent

but that you have experienced similar inconveniences from the same

cause. Thus to a lame person, you might say that you yourself are

fatigued with walking, that your own legs are not firm, &c. If the

infirmity is not too visible, and the poor subject speaks to you of it,

assure him earnestly that you should not have observed it. If he

complains to you, offer him motives of consolation, and take care that

you change the subject of conversation before he does, for you might

make him think that you are importuning him about his malady. Finally,

do all in your power to comfort him. If he is afflicted with imperfect

sight, place objects near him, but without affectation, and without

having the air of making him think that he requires your assistance,

neither permit him to thank you. If he is troubled with deafness, you

must not speak unreasonably loud; bring back the attention of the

unfortunate person to the subject of your conversation by skilful and

delicate transitions, and not abruptly say to him, _We were speaking of

such a thing_. This is much trouble, perhaps you will say. Trouble to

console people! Why, you take more to please them!

Persons who are reduced in circumstances, keep up in their misfortune

(at least in society) their habits of opulence; and to manage with such

persons requires not a little skill.

If they invite you to their frugal repasts, if they offer you any

presents, let not the fear of occasioning them expense, induce you to

refuse with warmth, and with obstinacy; you would wound them deeply.

Accept them, and seek an opportunity of repaying with interest, these

proofs of their politeness. Do not speak to them first of their sad

situation; but if they introduce the subject themselves, receive their

confidence with a respectful and affectionate attention. Show how much

you are affected with that which grieves them, and without forgetting

discretion, endeavor, in appearance at least, to render them confidence

for confidence.

SECTION II.

_Of Funerals and Mourning._

When we lose any one of our family, we should give intelligence of it to

all persons who have had relations of business or friendship with the

deceased. This letter of _announcement_ usually contains an invitation

to assist at the service and burial.

On receiving this invitation, we should go to the house of the deceased,

and follow the body as far as the church. We are excused from

accompanying it to the burying-ground, unless it be a relation, a

friend, or a superior. If we go as far as the burying-ground, we must

give the first carriages to the relations or most intimate friends of

the deceased. We should walk with the head uncovered, silently, and with

a sad and thoughtful mien. Relations ought not, from considerations of

propriety, to give themselves up too much to their grief. You will owe a

visit to persons who have invited you, if you have not been able to

accept their invitation. If you have attended the ceremony, then they

are the ones that owe the visit.

At an interment or funeral service, the members of the family are

entitled to the first places; they are nearest to the coffin, whether in

the procession, or in the church. The nearest relations go in a full

mourning dress. It is not customary at Paris for women to follow the

procession; and, nowhere do they go quite to the grave, unless they are

of a low class. A widower or a widow, a father or mother, are not

present at the interment, or funeral service of those whom they have

lost. The first are presumed not to be able to support the afflicting

ceremony; the second ought not to show this mark of deference.

There are two kinds of mourning, the full and the half mourning. The

full mourning is worn for a father, mother, grandfather, grandmother,

husband, wife, brother and sister. It is divided into three periods.[22]

For the first six weeks, we wear only woollen garments; in the six weeks

following, we wear silk, and the three last months, we mingle white with

the black.

Half mourning is worn for uncles, aunts, cousins, and second cousins.

The first fortnight we wear black silk, and the last week, white mixed

with black.

Custom requires that a woman should wear mourning for her husband a year

and six weeks, while that of a widower is only six months. This

difference, which may appear singular, is founded upon reasons of

convenience and social relations.

In the three first months of mourning for her husband, a woman wears

only woollen garments; the six first weeks, her head dress and

neck-kerchief are black crape or gauze; in the six following weeks,

they are white crape or linen. The next six months, she dresses in black

silk; in winter, gros de Naples; in summer, taffetas. Head dress, white

crape. The three last months, she wears black and white, and the six

last weeks, white only.

The mourning on the death of a wife, is a black cloth coat without

buttons,[23] dark shoes, woollen hose, black buckles, and a sword-knot

of crape, if the person carries one. At the end of six weeks, we may

wear a black coat with buttons, black silk hose, silver buckles, and a

black ribband upon the sword. The half mourning of the three last months

is a black coat, a sword and silver buckles, white silk stockings, and a

sword-knot of black and white.

It is altogether contrary to propriety to select for yourself at the

shops the articles of mourning, to have them made in your presence, or

to make them yourself; and, for a fortnight at least, and sometimes even

for the six first weeks, ladies ought not to sew, even while receiving

their relations and intimate friends, so much are they supposed to be

depressed by their affliction.

During forty days we do not leave the house, except to go to church; it

would be very improper to visit, dine out, or go to any assembly during

the first mourning. When this time has expired, we make visits of

mourning, and go out a little more, but we cannot yet appear in public

promenades, at spectacles or balls; we cannot sing, even at home. It is

only at the time of half mourning that we resume by degrees our former

habits of life.

For ten days at least, after the death of a very near relation, it would

be very reprehensible for people whose profession recalls ideas of

pleasure, as musicians, or dancing masters, to return to their

employment.

In full mourning, we should wear neither curls nor perfumes. To be

present at a funeral, or even to look at one passing, are forbidden at

this time. Attending a funeral service, other than that of a relation,

is equally prohibited. Excepting during this period, it is impolite not

to attend when invited to the funeral service of your acquaintances. You

should appear there in mourning. At the funeral service, as well as at

the interment, the male relatives go first, and then those invited; the

female relatives go next, and are followed by other ladies.

If we marry a person who is in mourning, we put on black the day after

our marriage; the time preceding is reckoned as if the mourning had been

worn. On the contrary, if we ourselves are married again at a time when

the death of a relation by our former marriage requires this sombre

dress, we leave it off immediately, since our new union annuls the

former alliance.

Visits which are paid to persons in mourning, are called visits of

condolence. In making them, we observe silence, and never inquire about

their health; this would be out of place. A gentleman offers them his

hand, a lady embraces them, even though they are but slightly

acquainted. We refrain from conversing on too gay or personal subjects.

If we are at a distance, we testify by letter our sympathy in the

misfortune which afflicts them. Their grief cannot excuse them from

answering us, but it is not immediately necessary.

With this subject, we shall conclude our treatise of politeness; hoping

that, having arrived at this point, our readers may say, 'Without any

doubt the work is full and methodical;' we shall not dare to flatter

ourselves with more, but this is enough, for it is being sure that our

labor has been useful.

We trust then that we have rendered an essential service to youth, in

making them acquainted with these rules, which have become so necessary;

in truth, politeness, on which at the present day we pride ourselves, is

a virtue which we ought never to renounce, since it gives to the

intercourse of life, that sweetness, pleasure, elegance and charm which

can be truly felt only by those who possess it. As the intellectual

Madam Lambert has said, 'Politeness is the desire of pleasing those with

whom we are obliged to live, and in a manner causing all around us to be

satisfied with us; superiors, with our respect; equals, with our esteem;

and inferiors, with our kindness.'

[22] Several of the particulars which follow, are not observed in

this country.--_T._

[23] It is not the custom among us to dispense with buttons.--_T._

Transcriber's Notes

Inconsistent hyphenation retained as originally printed

(à-propos/àpropos, fire-place/fireplace, re-conduct/reconduct)

Inconsistent and archaic spelling retained as originally printed

(visitor/visiter, every thing/everything, ancle, accessary,

bridemaid, inquiet, pantomine, secrecy, synonyme)