(_From Notes supplied by Superhuman Reporters._)
A meeting was recently held in the early dawn to consider "Biographies
in General, and the lives of British Celebrities in Particular." The
site chosen for the gathering was so indefinite, that it is impossible
to give it accurate geographical expression. There was a large number
of shades present, and Dr. SAMUEL JOHNSON was unanimously voted to the
chair.
The President, in thanking those who had done him the favour of thus
honouring him, observed that, although he appreciated the compliment
that had been bestowed upon him, he could not express any particular
esteem for the intelligence of those who had been the cause of his
occupying his present position. (_Laughter._) He did not understand
the reason which had prompted merriment as a fitting recognition
of his remarks. If they were satisfied, he was content. He had been
called to take the chair, he supposed, because he had nothing to do
with his own biography. That had been written by a Scottish gentleman,
with whom he had no sympathy.
Mr. BOSWELL: I hope, Sir, you do not mean what you say.
The President (with great severity): Yes, Sir, I do. I think that
the man who would write the life of another without his sanction is
unworthy---- (_Cries of "Agreed."_) The learned Doctor continued.
He did not wish to force his sentiments upon any one. No doubt his
opinions were considered behind the time. Everything had changed
nowadays, and even his Dictionary was, more or less, superseded by an
American Lexicon. He called upon the Emperor NAPOLEON BUONAPARTE to
move the first resolution.
The Emperor NAPOLEON BUONAPARTE expressed his satisfaction that he
should have been allowed to take the lead in this matter. It reminded
him of old times, when he took the lead in everything. ("_Hear,
hear._") He represented, he supposed, "Biographies in General,"--as he
had not much sympathy with British worthies. He wished bygones to
be bygones (_"Hear, hear"_), but he must say that the conduct of Sir
HUDSON LOWE was---- (_Interruption._) Well, he did not wish to press
the matter further. ("_Hear, hear._") There was no doubt that unless a
man wrote his autobiography he was always misrepresented. (_Cheers._)
It was high time that some control should be put upon the publication
of the lives of those who had joined the majority. He had much
pleasure in proposing the following resolution: "It is the opinion
of this meeting of Shades assembled in council in Elysium that steps
should be taken to prevent the dissemination of false information
about their prior existences."
Sir WALTER SCOTT said that it gave him great pleasure to second a
resolution moved with such admirable discretion by his imperial and
heroic friend the last speaker. He had the greater satisfaction in
doing this as it might lead to a new and amended edition of his own
"_Life of Napoleon_."
A Shade, who refused to give either his name or address, begged to
oppose the motion. In his opinion modern biographies were a great deal
better than work of the same kind of an earlier date. ("_No, no._")
But he said "Yes, yes." It was now quite the fashion to whitewash
everyone. He would testify that he recently read a biography of
himself without recognising the subject. Since then his self esteem
had increased a hundred fold. (_Laughter._) He thought it would be a
great mistake to interfere. They had much better leave things as they
were.
Mr. WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE (who was received with applause) asked
permission to offer a practical suggestion. Although he was a poet,
he was also a man of business. (_Laughter._) He spoke smarting under
a personal grievance. It was common knowledge that only a short while
ago the bulk of his works was declared to have been written by Bacon.
(Cries of "_Shame._") However, it was no use to pass resolutions
unless they could carry them into effect. He would therefore move
an amendment to the resolution already before them, to the following
effect: "That to carry out any arrangement that may be considered
necessary, those present pledge themselves to subscribe a crown
a piece." He proposed this under the impression that, granted the
requisite funds, it would be possible to communicate with the mundane
authorities.
Sir ISAAC NEWTON had much pleasure in seconding the amendment. He
might add, that it was quite within the resources of science to do all
that was required. He would explain in detail how it could be done.
The learned gentleman then began a lecture, with the effect that the
meeting rapidly dissolved. After he had been speaking for an hour and
a quarter, he discovered that he had no auditors.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE BABES IN THE WOOD.
_Ernest._ "I SEE YOU ARE GETTING ON, FOREMAN."
_Foreman._ "YES, SIR; WE SHALL HAVE THE WALLS PLASTERED TO-MORROW."
_Agatha._ "OH, ERNEST, DON'T LET'S HAVE PLASTER! YOU NEVER SEE IT NOW;
EVERYBODY HAS WALL-PAPERS, AND YOU CAN GET LOVELY ONES QUITE CHEAP!"]
* * * * *
"BALLADE JOYEUSE."
(_Not by Theodore de Banville._)
Though you're pent up in town
While you pant for the breeze
Upon moorland and down,
For the whispers of trees,
And the hum of the bees
Winging home to the hive,
Drain your cup to the lees--
Aren't you glad you're alive?
Though you miss the renown
Yonder dolt wins with ease,
And you're mocked by the clown
You've a fancy to squeeze.
Though your blood boil and freeze
When folk say he will wive
With the maid you would please--
Aren't you glad you're alive?
Though with pout, or with frown,
Or in shrillest of keys,
Madam seek a new gown,
And no less will appease,
While your creditors tease,
Or by dozens arrive,
And behave like Pawnees--
Aren't you glad you're alive?
Though your argosies drown
In the deepest of seas,
And you lose your last crown,
Not to say bread and cheese;
Though you cough and you wheeze
Till you barely survive,
At existence don't sneeze--
Aren't you glad you're alive?
_Envoi._
O my friends, paying fees,
The physicians still thrive,
For your motto is "spes"--
Aren't you glad you're alive?
* * * * *