Saw advertisement to-day, "Wanted, a few hopeless Drunkards," from a
person who has a new Patent Remedy for Dipsomania. Fancy that I answer
the description. Why should I not apply? Funds rather low just at
present, and I might get the price of a few bottles of gin out of this
Anti-Alcoholic Enthusiast. He asks us to "apply by letter." Better to
see if it's all a hoax or not. Shall go in person.
Have just made my application. Four other inebriates had also gone
in person. They were in the waiting-room when I arrived, in advanced
stage of _delirium tremens_. Scandalous! All of them had fiery
serpents coming out of their boots, too, which they set at me directly
I appeared. What the police are about in allowing such people at large
I cannot understand. Obliged to defend myself against the serpents.
I believe a shindy ensued, and I was accused--most unjustly--of being
intoxicated, whereas I had purposely abstained from taking more than
half a bottle of neat Cognac that morning, in order to have my
head quite clear for the interview. However, had a chat with the
Enthusiast, who said he thought I would "do very well." Wants me to
get a couple of "good testimonials" from my friends, saying that I
have "really made a hopeless beast of myself for at least two years
past." Rather awkward this, as most of my old chums refuse to see me
now. Such is friendship!
Testimonials secured at last. Had to create a slight disturbance
outside the houses of my friends before I could get them to do what I
wanted. When they _did_ really understand what was expected, they gave
me the highest character for inebriety. One says that he "has good
reason for knowing that I have not been really sober for more than
a day at a time for the last five years." The other "willingly
certifies" that "a more absolutely besotted specimen of gin-soddened
humanity" it would be impossible to find. Sent the replies off to the
Enthusiast, who returns me some of the Patent Remedy in a bottle, "to
be taken as directed," but no money! What a swindle! Pawnbroker round
the corner declines to advance a farthing on the Remedy. Nothing left
but to try it!
Have tried it! Awfully good stuff! Must have gin in it, I think. Leave
off my nightly potation of spirits, and drink half the bottle instead.
Refreshing sleep. Haven't had such a night for ages. Enthusiast calls
to see how I am getting on. Immensely pleased. Leaves me another
bottle of the Remedy, and--on my threatening to strike unless he gives
me some money--half a sovereign. Get in more gin.
Extraordinary thing has happened. Gin seems positively nasty to me
now! Forced myself to drink a little. Deadly sick! There must be
something very unwholesome about the Remedy. Pitch rest of it out of
window.
Glad to say that my taste for gin has come back. Was able to finish
half a bottle at a sitting. Go round to Enthusiast's office, to
tell him about dangerous effect of his alleged Remedy. He says "the
sickness and the distaste for gin was just what he wanted to produce."
The inhuman monster! Give him a little of my mind, and he retreats
into an inner room, and his Clerk comes out to try and remove me from
the premises. Curiously enough, the Clerk's front teeth all suddenly
drop out and turn into green and red dragons, which writhe about the
floor. Some sort of disturbance happens--believe Clerk tries to kill
me--forget all the rest.
_Later._--Appear to be in a Police cell! Why don't they shut up the
keyhole to prevent those gamboge-coloured elephants getting through?
Why has the Warder fifteen heads? Shall complain to the Home
Secretary. Also shall make it hot for that Enthusiast when I get out.
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